Shoebox62

It's confession time. Almost too embarrassed and ashamed to write this, but here goes. I had 14 months under my belt, maybe a bit more. I'd stopped counting. Rarely even thought about drinking as a problem anymore, let alone that I would ever pick up again. 14 months - I had this thing beat, right?

My wife went on vacation in early December for 2 weeks, and the first night she's gone, I bought a bottle of wine and had a few glasses. Didn't feel conflicted, didn't feel confused. I just went to the store like it was yesterday, like the 14 months had never happened, bought a bottle and had my drinks. Why? I have no answer. There is no rational reason other than I could and "no one would know".

Since then, I've been drinking off and on, nothing serious, certainly not to the level I was at before I did outpatient and treatment, and I'm trying to stop. I've quit for a couple of days, then I find myself buying another bottle of wine and it all starts again. It's pathetic and sad and I'm really feeling low because of it all. So much of it, I think, was centered around the holidays and a growing sense of boredom that I couldn't shake. I'm at a loss, now, to understand.

What's my plan? Well, I'm going to find an AA meeting that I can attend a few times a week for accountability, although I've never been a big AA fan. And I'm going to get more involved on SR, which I had stopped doing since I had "beaten" the disease. Most importantly, I'm going to try and learn from this and figure out what went wrong, what were the triggers and what can I stop from happening again.

Sigh. "Once more into the breach dear friends. Once more!" The fight continues. The battle never really ends, does it? And so begins another Day 1.

sugarbear1

Work those steps if you are serious about staying stopped. Open mind, honesty and willingness to take a look at yourself.

those steps saved my life

Threshold

Glad your back.

What happened seems to be that you discovered that you really can't drink safely again and sobriety really is the way to go.

boredom...always an issue. Sometimes we get bored and think about calling up and old ex...just to touch base...yeah, usually does NOT work out well.

glad you're back.

ScottFromWI

I personally believe that we never "beat" alcoholism. I did as you did multiple times where I felt I was better and started drifting away from my support ( which is SR by the way ). Invariably I always ended up drinking again, and each time I did I returned to full on every day drinking in much shorter periods of time.

I feel that I will always have to maintain some level of sobriety work on a daily basis for the rest of my life. That might mean just reading a few minutes on SR or just thinking about it or reading a book, but just as a diabetic takes insulin every day or someone with a food allergy has to always avoid said food, alcoholism never goes away in my opinion. Look at all the people who come here that have relapses after years, even decades of sobriety - the common theme is that they "got away from" whatever their sobriety plan was, whether AA, SR or whatever.

Best of luck, glad you came back and decided to stop this before it gets out of hand again.

KateL

Hi. We have all done bizarre things like that, but luckily you realise the folly of it and it's a good job nothing untoward happened, so you can get back on the horse and ride like a goodun. Donlt beat yourself up about it xxx

autan

Your back thats the main thing. You did it once and you can do it again. Just remember don't buy any alcohol and you cant drink it. Easy said than done I know, but if you don't buy it and no one gives it to you, you cannot have that first drink. If you don't have the first drink, you cant have a second or a third.

Welcome back to fight.

doggonecarl

I don't know why you drank. Not sure it matters. Alcoholism is insidious. I do know that when we slack up, or stop our recovery, drinking usually fills the void. Like ScottFromWI says, we don't beat alcoholism. If we are lucky, we are blessed with a daily reprieve.

Shoebox62

Thanks for the encouraging words, everyone. It really helps to be in a place where people understand what I'm going through. The rest of the world sure doesn't (meaning, the "earthlings" who can drink).

Better change my signature while I'm thinking about it. Maybe I won't put a date this time. I think it's just asking for trouble.

Thanks again. I'll be around every day from here on out...

kflee

Awesome..glad you came back. Everyday I read about someone giving in to temptation,, but everyone, and so far everyone on here REGRETS IT. That sure is encouragement for me. I try to avoid being left alone for the time. I was honest with self. The obvious lingered over shoulder. (i would buy wine etc..)

2bhappier

I am proud of you for coming back. It is hard to do.

Btonbill

Don't be too hard on yourself - some of us have relapsed after many years of sobriety for no apparent reason. The important thing is to want sobriety again and once you have that mindset and support, you will be able to do it.

I was off the program for 2years and at first was not drinking that much or that frequently. About 6 month back drinking I became as bad and then surpassed my previous drinking.

If you are only a few weeks back into drinking you should seriously consider nipping it in the bud. It will not get any easier as time goes on.

Good luck to you.

hayley86

Glad you are back and trying again. Keep moving forward. Best wishes.

Shoebox62

It is so hard. Harder than I thought 14 months ago. Thanks for the support. I'm doing my best to get back on track...

Dee74

Welcome back Shoebox.
Many times I thought I'd beaten it too, so you're in good company.

These days I know that I am what I am and I always will be. If the price for the happiness and peace I have is to never drink alcohol again, I think thats a very small price to pay

D