CutiePatutie

Hi all. Just looking for some support here. I have recently self-identified as a co-dependent to my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. I have just ended the relationship last week as the final straw was him beating up my dog in a drunk rage. His alcoholism and behavior had become intolerable and he was drinking himself into a stupor on a semi-daily basis and becoming verbally abusive to me in the process. Finally, after the episode with the dog and him threatening me, I called the police, packed my belongings and left. Now, according to his family, he blames me for putting his status in this country in jeopardy, as he is not a citizen and any potential legal problems may threaten his ability to stay in the States. I left before the police arrived and didn't file any reports, but now he wants nothing to do with me. I keep telling myself that it wasn't my fault and that I had put up with enough. But it hurts to know that after several years invested into this relationship, it's all over because he couldn't stay sober. I feel like I wasted part of my life on him and that makes me terribly angry. Has anyone ever felt this way? Am I just wallowing un-necessarily in sorrow? I just feel so frustrated, angry and confused.

NoJimmy

You might check out the "friends and families of alcoholics" section of this forum. But here's a couple thoughts I have; are you sure he wouldn't still be an abusive a-whole if he were sober? I'm not. Additionally, the consequences of his actions are not your fault or responsibility. Sounds like you have good reason for ending it, maybe good idea to keep moving, and break contact with his relatives while your at it.
It's normal to grieve the loss of even a bad relationship. No, you can't get the time lost back, but you can learn from it and hopefully keep from repeating the same situation (and losing more time!). I allowed myself to be emotionally abused following my recent breakup. I say "allowed" now because had I been more rigid with my own boundaries, I would have saved myself considerable time and self respect by exiting sooner. It's not my place to say if that does or does not apply to your situation, just sharing my experience.

seahorse661

Sorry you had to go through all that.
You're not wallowing unnecessarily, you've invested alot in a person and a situation and its right that you feel sad that its over. Its also good that you are feeling some anger.

It was his behavior that caused the police visit and any resulting legal problems. Don't take that on yourself.
I understand how you feel, I was married to an addict, am codependent and justified his behavior all the time. Its hard work breaking free of it, but can be done and its wonderful not to have my emotions dictated by somebody else.

As for the wasted time, I felt the same until I thought about it differently: I believed that if I had spent my time with someone else, life would have been wonderful and I would have been eternally happy. But that's not necessarily true, it may even have been worse. I don't know, so I let it be, accept that that time has passed and make sure that I don't allow anyone to make me feel weak and unworthy anymore