Is this recovery, not caring or something else?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
Is this recovery, not caring or something else?
I'm trying to figure out if I'm really progressing in my recovery or if I'm not really caring so much about my son and his addiction any more. Anyone else out there feeling this way? It has been a long and hard road with my son and honestly I don't know where I stand anymore with respect to my son's addiction.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East Coast of Florida
Posts: 61
I have been feeling similarly lately. It may be that after all these years, I am finally learning to accept and let go of something I am powerless over. It may be that I am learning to break the habit of allowing thoughts of my AD and her addiction to consume every waking hour. It is exhausting.
In my case, it is probably more honest to say that I am feeling more neutral right now because I can. My daughter is in a rehab facility and therefore I don't "have to" deal with it. I doubt that avoidance is a healthy step or an indication of any recovery on my part.
Today, for me, not caring so much feels like progress. However, I can't fail to notice that I am here this morning instead of out living my life. I am still dreading January 10, which is the day she says she's getting out of the rehab. Obviously, she is not as far down in my thoughts as I thought.
Just my own thoughts to compare with yours........
In my case, it is probably more honest to say that I am feeling more neutral right now because I can. My daughter is in a rehab facility and therefore I don't "have to" deal with it. I doubt that avoidance is a healthy step or an indication of any recovery on my part.
Today, for me, not caring so much feels like progress. However, I can't fail to notice that I am here this morning instead of out living my life. I am still dreading January 10, which is the day she says she's getting out of the rehab. Obviously, she is not as far down in my thoughts as I thought.
Just my own thoughts to compare with yours........
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think when you reach acceptance and a change in attitude in your recovery it may "feel" like un-caring because prior caring was all so consuming.
I think it's natural to question ourselves because our new way of thinking may not feel just right yet.
From the book Courage to Change:
"With a change of attitude.....past actions can be put into proper perspective, love and respect can become a part of family life."
I think it's natural to question ourselves because our new way of thinking may not feel just right yet.
From the book Courage to Change:
"With a change of attitude.....past actions can be put into proper perspective, love and respect can become a part of family life."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Ditto what atalose said.
I love my son very much.....but I've learned to love myself too. And by taking care of me and my recovery, I believe I'm doing the best thing I can for my son, myself and all of the other people who love me.
Addiction can create an intense imbalance in our lives as well as the lives of the addict. As we work toward balance in our lives.....it can feel very strange for a while.....imbalance was my "normal" for a long time.
What you may be feeling is simply a healthier you......I suspect you love your son as much as you ever have.......but you've developed a healthier perspective about what you can control and what you can't.
I would call that recovery.
gentle hugs
ke
I love my son very much.....but I've learned to love myself too. And by taking care of me and my recovery, I believe I'm doing the best thing I can for my son, myself and all of the other people who love me.
Addiction can create an intense imbalance in our lives as well as the lives of the addict. As we work toward balance in our lives.....it can feel very strange for a while.....imbalance was my "normal" for a long time.
What you may be feeling is simply a healthier you......I suspect you love your son as much as you ever have.......but you've developed a healthier perspective about what you can control and what you can't.
I would call that recovery.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
Same here...sometimes I even feel cold toward my daughter, and THAT kind of scares me, too.
I used to agonize over not hearing from her. I always thought the worst and lived for that text or call. Even though it brought crisis upon crisis, I could NOT leave it alone.
These days I actually pray that she not contact me. I've become so beat down with the desperate-ness of the situation and the knowledge that no matter what I give her, do for her, or what mess I sit with her in, it will never help. The only way I can make a difference is keep her in God's hands instead of mine, and be a support system when she decides to get better.
I KNOW I don't love her less, and some days I cry at every thought of her, but I certainly don't like the person she is right now. I don't want to spend time with her because she's unpleasant, manipulative, and selfish...definitely not the wonderful woman I know her to be outside of drugs.
And I am much more into self-preservation than I used to be.
As a mom first learning of our child's addiction the world stops and every action we do is to save THEM. I think that we finally learn that it really will kill US, too. We finally decide to hand over the life-jacket to someone stronger and more capable.
I used to agonize over not hearing from her. I always thought the worst and lived for that text or call. Even though it brought crisis upon crisis, I could NOT leave it alone.
These days I actually pray that she not contact me. I've become so beat down with the desperate-ness of the situation and the knowledge that no matter what I give her, do for her, or what mess I sit with her in, it will never help. The only way I can make a difference is keep her in God's hands instead of mine, and be a support system when she decides to get better.
I KNOW I don't love her less, and some days I cry at every thought of her, but I certainly don't like the person she is right now. I don't want to spend time with her because she's unpleasant, manipulative, and selfish...definitely not the wonderful woman I know her to be outside of drugs.
And I am much more into self-preservation than I used to be.
As a mom first learning of our child's addiction the world stops and every action we do is to save THEM. I think that we finally learn that it really will kill US, too. We finally decide to hand over the life-jacket to someone stronger and more capable.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Thank you for posting this topic allthatsgood, what a great discussion. I've also felt this way and have described it as a resignation of sorts. I agree with the others...it sounds like healthy recovery to me. Recognizing their recovery is up to them and no amount of brain spinning on our part is going to bring resolution.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
Thanks everyone! It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
You will be, you nailed it on the head for me with this statement:
"As a mom first learning of our child's addiction the world stops and every action we do is to save THEM. I think that we finally learn that it really will kill US, too. We finally decide to hand over the life-jacket to someone stronger and more capable."
You will be, you nailed it on the head for me with this statement:
"As a mom first learning of our child's addiction the world stops and every action we do is to save THEM. I think that we finally learn that it really will kill US, too. We finally decide to hand over the life-jacket to someone stronger and more capable."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
What a great topic! As the mom of a 30 yr old RAS I went from trying to control everything, crying constantly, having fear, worry, anger and resentment be part of my every day living to resignation and then finally letting go. I have wondered if I have given up at times but I finally came to the realization that letting go and letting God is not giving up. It is allowing God to take over and knowing I am not in control of anything that my son does. The worry and suffering I did did not change the outcome and certainly made things worse for me. Now I pray and stay out of my son's life. Does it bother me sometimes that he does not have as much contact with us? Yes it sure does but at the same time my life is so much more peaceful. I let God take the wheel and removed myself from the driver's seat. My driving wasn't very good anyway.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think there is definitely truth in saying your mind will only let you handle what it can, then we sort of shut off. To dive deeper, I believe this is how God gives us self preservation. When your mind cannot handle it any longer, turn it over to God. What difference does all the worry do? For me, it actually makes things worse. It makes me obsess more which makes my codependency kick in much more. Detatchment is a good thing. It is self preservation with the help of God.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
It's funny because my son called this early afternoon and said he was going to come over because he hasn't talked to anyone in awhile. My initial reaction "what does he want or need now?" I have no idea what is going on but where I would normally work or feel anxious I feel ambivalent. I know I have finally let go.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
