WindedJ

My AH relapsed again, they have been one week apart since Dec. 17. He has been in AA since August and has a sponsor and has a support system, but does not seem to be working. After his relapse on Christmas day around the family, I got sucked into the day after remorse where he said he was a piece of crap for disappointing me and didn't blame me if I left him. He was so sorry and would spend the rest of his life making it up to me and did not want to drink anymore ever. It seemed different this time since he was openly declaring he knew he had an issue and that he really, really wanted to stop and he didn't feel like the meetings were working for him. He refuses to go to rehab because he doesn't want to lose his job. He has a good job and supports the family but he can do an outpatient program, there is always an excuse to where he can't do rehab. But I thought it was different since he was starting to be honest in saying he needs more help and he wouldn't blame me for leaving him and that he realized I didn't deserve this and making these declarations to me, his sponsors and family. I keep getting sucked back in and then it being New Year's I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I don't know if I am just getting better at predicting the behavior but I sensed him getting antsy today. He tried calling his AA people but no one called him back today, but he leaves these Hey, how's it going messages...not I need someone to talk to now messages. I just don't know, I was hoping things would work out but is fading day by day. When he's drinking, its all my fault. Each week it has happened on holiday and can't get a hold of my Al-Anon support team and then it is late... My brother was here tonight but he is not sure what to do. AH was actually trying to convince him that I was the bad person and wanted him to talk to his mom and sister (enablers). Somehow they fix everything for him.... And then I get the lecture from my brother how I am weak because I can't seem to end it and this marriage isn't going to work.

Just need support and can't seem to get it right now and really don't need the I need to leave him talk anymore.

endlesspatience

Sorry to hear what happened. You say you need support. Are you still going to Al Anon and talking to people there? Have you got a sponsor in Al Anon? If so it would be a good idea to call her.

We are happy to offer support here and I am sure you'll get a few more replies in due course. But so far as I can see, you haven't posted here for a couple of weeks. We can engage much better with you if you respond to our replies and keep us posted regularly on how the situation's developing and what you're doing to cope.

WindedJ

I don't have a sponsor yet as I only started going at the end of November. I do have people to go to though. I just meant for tonight the issue arose at 11:00pm so I really had no one to call who would be available to talk at the time.

LadyinBC

I know when I was drinking I had many excuses why I couldn't go to meetings etc. The bottom line was I wasn't ready to quit.

I had to get to that point where I wanted to be sober more thank I wanted to be drunk. I have to put the same amount of effort if not more into staying sober than I did staying drunk. For the alcoholic staying sober can seem like a daunting task, but you have to want it more than anything and be willing to do anything to hold on to it.

It sounds like he isn't quite there yet. When we stop it can take many relapses before we finally "get it".

You are not weak, he is manipulating you. Some of us alcoholics are very good at it! Tells you he will understand if you leave then gets drunks and says it is your fault! We like playing the blame game. He runs to his family because they buy into his crap.

There is just no simple answer or solution, it is a rollercoaster ride for all parties involved, you just need to decide for yourself, when you want to get off the ride.

I am so sorry you are going thru this, but like a previous poster said, keep posting here and giving updates. You will find so much support here.

WindedJ

Still going through the blame game...

He was overdosed on klonopin last night and the meaness, verbal and emotional attacks are just as bad as if he's been drinking. Was trying to tell me that he will change and stop drinking and stop taking the pills if I were nicer to him. Went on to say that if I decided to get a divorce that it was ok, but hated it if i took the kids away from him. But if I wanted to him to lose the kids it was ok. I recognized that was his manipulation tactics so I tried to go into the other room and not speak to him but he followed me and just kept blabbing his mouth about how he supports us by giving us money for whatever we want and that if I divorced him I wouldn't be able to pay for anything. GAH! I just grabbed my phone, locked myself in the bedroom and dialed an Al-Anon support friend.

He is at work today and called me. He takes prozac and klonopin for panic attacks he says he gets at work. Although more sober last night, he still is taking the medication but proceeds to tell me that he would be the man I want him to be if I were nicer to him. I hung up on him...

Am I dumb? Is this not how the program works...fix yourself and get yourself to be better? I feel like he's still trying to put the blame on me.

I have been absolutely miserable, don't want to be in my house or around him lately.

hopeful4

I am so sorry. The thing I too realize with my husband that I explained to him, it does not matter if it is pills, booze, whatever. Addiction is addiction and if you replace one with another it just does not work out. It alters their personality into someone you should not have to put up with.

Why are you calling AA? If he wants help he needs to do the calling. It is his program. Keep attending Alanon and get yourself some help.

Keep posting, you are not alone. Gentle Hugs.

SparkleKitty

He may be convinced that you can fix his problem, but don't let him convince you. He will only be the man you want him to be if he undertakes the job regardless of what you don't or don't do.

But ultimately, he needs to decide himself what kind of man he wants to be.

ladyscribbler

Replacing one drug (alcohol) with another (prescriptions) is not sobriety. All that talk about divorce and kids is just quacking. He is trying to make you afraid and confused. Good on you for calling your Alanon friend for support.

If you were "nicer" to him (which I suspect is code for 'get off his back and let him do whatever he wants while pretending it doesn't effect you') he would come up with some other impossible, nebulous condition for you to meet so that he could be the man "you" want him to be. Sounds like some major stinkin' thinkin', blame shifting and quacking if I ever heard it (and I have).

Is there someplace you could go for the weekend, just to get some breathing space away from his toxic atmosphere? That helped me more than anything. I took my boys and did a temporary separation so he could get his act together. That didn't happen and the separation has now become permanent. Take care and stay strong.

WindedJ

I had not been calling AA. Did I mistype somewhere (in my mad, typing rage)? The only people I have been calling are my Al-Anon people.

hopeful4

I am sorry...I must have read it incorrectly. SO glad you are calling your Alanon people. While SR boards help, there is nothing like face to face support. Sorry about that!

atalose

You are referring to YOUR program right? Al-anon?

other wise I’d say seems like you are waiting around for HIM to change and he’s already proving to you he’s not ready to do that…………

WindedJ

I have thought about this. If we weren't supposed to get 10 inches of snow and freezing temps this weekend and if my little boys hadn't been throwing up and being sickly the last couple of days, I would make it happen.

Thanks everyone for the responses! Just wanted to be sure that I wasn't thinking straight. I guess it gets hard to tell the difference from truth and manipulation when it comes from someone you love.

WindedJ

I have thought about this. If we weren't supposed to get 10 inches of snow and freezing temps this weekend and if my little boys hadn't been throwing up and being sickly the last couple of days, I would make it happen.

Thanks everyone for the responses! Just wanted to be sure that I wasn't thinking straight. I guess it gets hard to tell the difference from truth and manipulation when it comes from someone you love.

Taking5

In terms of your AH, you said he was gong to meetings. You do realize that in the program of recovery know as AA, that meetings are not enough right?

1) Has he read the big book?
2) Does he have a sponsor?
3) What step is he on?

If they answer to 1 or 2 is "no" or if the answer to 3 is "I don't know", then he is not working the program.

m1k3

WindedJ, one of the best sayings I heard here is alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

Active alcoholics and this includes pills as well, lie. All of them. What he says is not important, in fact it is meaningless. It's his actions that count. Ask yourself, what do his actions show you?

Your friend,

WindedJ

1 - Yes, would read chapters with his sponsor in face-to-face meetings.
2 - Yes
3 - Step 9 - but here's the thing with this step - Christmas day - made amends to his family. Would do his thing with whichever member - turn around to the bar - do a shot of Jim Beam. Saw him do that right after talking to his mother.

I actually had a face-to-face meeting with his sponsors after the 2nd relapse, that occurred 2 weeks after the 1st, at the end of November. They know he does not get Step 1. The meeting was kind of to talk with me about making him feel the sense of loss, so leaving, kicking him out the house...getting him to hit rock bottom so he could get his head in the game. Or be prepared that he may not get into the program and be a drunk forever. But to know that the choice was mine and strongly encouraged me to go to Al-Anon meetings.

Taking5

Sounds like he has a good sponsor it is up to him now.

sugarbear1

We can't really work step 9 until we work step one---fully conceding to our innermost selves that we are alcoholic and can not drink

Step 9 is amends, changing our behavior not saying "I'm sorry"

Meetings don't keep one sober, it's the steps that help us to have a relationship with a power greater than us and that relationship helps keep us sober.....being useful to others and forgetting ourselves.....all of this takes time and practice

Drinking twice in a two weeks is drinking twice in two weeks, it's not a relapse. One must be actually sober for a period of time to have a relapse.

Recovering2

Dear WindedJ....of course he blames you! If you're not the reason for his behavior, then who is? He won't face that answer. Easier to feel sorry for himself because of what the poor guy has to deal with than to realize HE is responsible.

You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. His talk is alcoholic quacking, pure and simple. If you leave, you are not "taking" the kids away from him. It's not about you "wanting" him to lose his kids. HE is making the choice to lose his kids by continuing to drink. You are just doing what is in the best interest of your kids. If the kids meant that much to him, he'd have his butt in an IOP program today. Plenty of people work and go to IOP. If he hasn't got Step 1 yet in AA, then it's silly for him to be making amends as Step 9. You don't pick and choose which steps you do. You do them in order, and you only move on when you get it. So he's still at Step 1.

If you can't physically get away right now, try to detach. When he's yapping at you, don't engage. Say "uh huh", "oh, I see" etc. Picture him with webbed feet.....he's quacking! Stay with your AlAnon group.....keep posting.

WindedJ

Glad I went to my Al-Anon meeting tonight. It was actually a step meeting - Step 1. I'm just beginning so I know I don't have it completely down but I am in the beginning stages of understanding that I'm powerless to alcohol and knowing my life has become unmanageable. Really trying to detach and a lot of repeating of the Serenity prayer.