izzyrose05

So, He contacted me back in early September and long story short despite my plan to refuse him, I have ended up back in a relationship with the man that hurt me so damn badly. He has been sober over 5 months now. Continues the program and readings. Seems dedicated to his sobriety. This time seems a bit different because the other times he got sober for me. This last time I left so he had to get sober for himself. I hope it sticks for his sake. Though we are seeing each other, we have not picked up where we left off. He has a lot to prove to me. The first being that he can stay sober. I'm not sure how long will be long enough for me to trust him again, but I guess, I will know when I know.

In the meantime, I see him once or twice a week. I have not allowed him back into my children's lives this time. Again, I will not subject them to his presence unless I know he can stay sober. He is paying me back the money he owes me and has been contrite.

But now, he is so focused on his career (he is a snow plow driver in the winter and we have been inundated with snow here in the Midwest) and sobriety that once again, there doesn't appear to be room for me in his life. When we do find time to be together, all he talks about is his business. I am supportive. I help him with his bookkeeping. I lift him up and encourage his goals. I am proud of his continued work in his program. But there seems to be no interest in me or my life. I swear sometimes, I feel like I am invisible.

So, now I have to ask? Why do I stay? His sobriety and career are both very important. As is his special needs son. If there is no room for or interest in me, then why does he need me? I guess because I'm a good support system. But maybe that's all I am. It's all I feel like these days. I certainly don't feel like a girlfriend.

Am I being too shallow? Is this part of a relationship? You stick it out in the rough times? Right? Because all relationships will have hard times. I know this. But damn, I miss the days when we laughed and had fun together(yes, we laughed all the time stone cold sober) Now it's all work and all seriousness all the time.

I don't know.

Recovering2

I get this Izzy, when my ABF was first in recovery, it was much the same. I understood that his recovery had to be #1, so was willing to take a back seat for awhile. But after about 6 months, I said...."Okay, hello...I"m over here!" I talked to my Sponsor in AlAnon, then talked to my ABF. I told him that his recovery was important, but I needed to feel wanted. I told him that I didn't feel there was any effort on his part to let me know I really mattered. We needed to make an effort for "us" time, where we spent time together and only talked about "us" stuff. Didn't have to be anything special. Early dinner out together, a movie. Anything. But the focus had to be us for that time.
For us, it worked. He hadn't really realized how I was feeling. I think he just took it for granted that we were okay.

Maybe just sit down and talk about it. You're on the cusp of 2014. Good time to talk about wishes for this coming year. Keep it non-threatening, tell him you support him but need to have some energy back from him. If he isn't receptive, or gets defensive....you have your answer.

shil2587

they are often very different in early recovery. it's like walking a tight rope, I suppose. the focus has to be on nothing else. when you're focussing on yourself so hard, it's impossible to really be open to other people. at least, that's my experience. i really hope you two can become a success story.

izzyrose05

Thanks guys,

We are talking. I'm keeping the faith. Thanks for your support. We will see what happens

Stung

Good luck to you! I hope you two can come to a compromise as far as spending quality time together goes.