AA or...?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 5
AA or...?
Hello
My issues are all coming to a head. My husband has said he is leaving me as he has fallen out of love with me due to my emotionally abusive nature. He has put up with screaming tantrums for years. I found a therapist and then stopped drinking in 2007 but every time I was triggered (shame, inadequacy, abandonment stuff) I would shout and throw things and scare him. He started to distance himself which drove me more crazy and then he said he would leave. I was so terrified of him leaving in the summer I started going to AA on the advice of my therapist and friends (6 years after sobering up) and have found it a good support though I only really like one womens meeting during the day at the moment and I know I should be going to more. The shouting has completely stopped but its too little too late for my husband. Also he has someone else who has shown him great kindness. He isnt having a relationship with her but I think he would like to once he leaves.
My question is really... should I be going to AA or ACOA? I am liking AA but my behaviours were learned long before I started drinking. My father shouts abusive awful language on a regular basis (not an alcoholic) and my mother became an alcholic after he left (30years ago. Daily drinking since, no recovery in sight). I am so worried about being left and descending into the same patterns my mother did. I have a 3 years old with my husband. We are being amicable ( I am so sorry and trying to hear how it has been for him. The shame and remorse is terrible). I am very very sad. I never wanted to lose his love or to be a single parent. I love him very much and this is the worst consequence of my behaviour I have ever had (rock bottom for me). I would like to get more support but I feel like a phoney in AA sometimes as I haven't drunk for so long and I am very angry at my mother and many of the women there are mothers who lost everything through drinking. On the other hand I feel like I am in the right place as I am surrounded by people who have also lost so much and are still here so that's inspiring. The ACOA stuff is appealing on one hand as I tick every single characteristic and the overwhelming rage seems to have stemmed from this era of divorce / mothers drinking beginning. Though it's no picnic having an alcholic grandmother to my child either so the ramifications are still there as an adult. But everytime I read ACOA stuff I get so full of anger hopelessness and despair! Makes me feel utterly powerless. I feel by going to AA I can deal with me and what I am doing but ACOA is too much about blame (or things I have no control over?). Also ACOA is only one meeting near me.
Thing is I just want the right help right now. I've lost too much and never had the right supprt right from when I was a kid coming home to a drunk mum to now facing my love leaving me for someone else. 7 years of therapy havne't touched on much of anything emotionally (thought I did stop drinking with her support and faced up to my denial around my family alcholism). I have also been in touch with a domestic abuse service for help for me and my husband to recover from my abusive tantrums even if just as friends / parents in future.
Anyway, sorry for the long winded babbling. Any resources recommended would be great.
My issues are all coming to a head. My husband has said he is leaving me as he has fallen out of love with me due to my emotionally abusive nature. He has put up with screaming tantrums for years. I found a therapist and then stopped drinking in 2007 but every time I was triggered (shame, inadequacy, abandonment stuff) I would shout and throw things and scare him. He started to distance himself which drove me more crazy and then he said he would leave. I was so terrified of him leaving in the summer I started going to AA on the advice of my therapist and friends (6 years after sobering up) and have found it a good support though I only really like one womens meeting during the day at the moment and I know I should be going to more. The shouting has completely stopped but its too little too late for my husband. Also he has someone else who has shown him great kindness. He isnt having a relationship with her but I think he would like to once he leaves.
My question is really... should I be going to AA or ACOA? I am liking AA but my behaviours were learned long before I started drinking. My father shouts abusive awful language on a regular basis (not an alcoholic) and my mother became an alcholic after he left (30years ago. Daily drinking since, no recovery in sight). I am so worried about being left and descending into the same patterns my mother did. I have a 3 years old with my husband. We are being amicable ( I am so sorry and trying to hear how it has been for him. The shame and remorse is terrible). I am very very sad. I never wanted to lose his love or to be a single parent. I love him very much and this is the worst consequence of my behaviour I have ever had (rock bottom for me). I would like to get more support but I feel like a phoney in AA sometimes as I haven't drunk for so long and I am very angry at my mother and many of the women there are mothers who lost everything through drinking. On the other hand I feel like I am in the right place as I am surrounded by people who have also lost so much and are still here so that's inspiring. The ACOA stuff is appealing on one hand as I tick every single characteristic and the overwhelming rage seems to have stemmed from this era of divorce / mothers drinking beginning. Though it's no picnic having an alcholic grandmother to my child either so the ramifications are still there as an adult. But everytime I read ACOA stuff I get so full of anger hopelessness and despair! Makes me feel utterly powerless. I feel by going to AA I can deal with me and what I am doing but ACOA is too much about blame (or things I have no control over?). Also ACOA is only one meeting near me.
Thing is I just want the right help right now. I've lost too much and never had the right supprt right from when I was a kid coming home to a drunk mum to now facing my love leaving me for someone else. 7 years of therapy havne't touched on much of anything emotionally (thought I did stop drinking with her support and faced up to my denial around my family alcholism). I have also been in touch with a domestic abuse service for help for me and my husband to recover from my abusive tantrums even if just as friends / parents in future.
Anyway, sorry for the long winded babbling. Any resources recommended would be great.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Coon Rapids, MN
Posts: 209
good morning,
Well for myself, my behaviors were learned. and with a lot of work I have been able to learn new and constructive ones. I would keep attending AA and why not give the other a shot just for good lucks sake??
Take it easy
Matt
Well for myself, my behaviors were learned. and with a lot of work I have been able to learn new and constructive ones. I would keep attending AA and why not give the other a shot just for good lucks sake??
Take it easy
Matt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 5
Thanks Matt. Probably the sensible thing - try it!
Does it get any better? I am so low and not sure I will surive being left. I mean I will but I can't imagine suriving and thriving. I can only see giving up and drinking like my mum did.
Does it get any better? I am so low and not sure I will surive being left. I mean I will but I can't imagine suriving and thriving. I can only see giving up and drinking like my mum did.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Behaviors are learned but can be changed. So sorry for all that has happened to you, but you still want to be well so that is fantastic and strong. Continue with any support you find most helpful and good luck xxxx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Coon Rapids, MN
Posts: 209
for me it did YES, I was sarcastically abusive with my wife and friends, which at the end of my career saw me having no friends and a wife driving out of our driveway with bags packed. Like I mentioned, (hard Work) just like staying sober....its daily work...but as strong as you seem to be, you will make it through!
One Day At A Time
Matt
One Day At A Time
Matt
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Can't you do both AA and ACOA? It sounds like you are a double winner really and would benefit from both. It may be tough sometimes to hear things in AA which trigger feelings related to your past but maybe when you are feeling vulnerable in that way you can just stick to the ACOA meeting. Is the ACOA stuff really about blame??! That sounds surprising. Maybe the best step would be to get a sponsor, maybe in both meetings, to guide you through the material and help point you in the right direction. It doesn't hurt to get all the help you can x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 5
Just looking up Alanon now. I did go for a while when I first came out of denial that I grew up with an alcoholic. It was great but I always felt guilty that I was looking at her drinking and not mine. Now I am doing AA I feel like I am in right place half the time but wondering whether the ACOA meetings (or maybe Al anon) will help me with my codependecy stuff (I am so very terrified of being left and now ive made it happen). Its a lot to take in at the beginning how many meetings I should be trying. I haven't got much childcare (bad at asking for help from friends, don't like relying on family, bad at paying for things for myself like a babysitter) so getting out in the evening is a big commitment. Also I am very clingy to husband. I guess that doesn't matter as much now. He is still here. Don't know how much to talk to him. I tend to end up begging which is not very attractive so just staying quiet now. Anyway will try and get to some sort of meeting this evening. Any meeting! I guess the defensive abusive / abandonment stuff that I want to work on is relevant to all Al anon / AA and ACOA ?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
I'm sorry that you're going through this, but be proud of yourself that you didn't begin to drink. I had a lot of issues to deal with when I stopped drinking and had a lot of work to do on myself. I don't use AA, but if it might be useful for you, then maybe you should think about it. If you don't think your therapist is getting to the core issues, maybe a different therapist could help?
I'm glad you found us!
I'm glad you found us!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 5
Thank you Gary. I am a bit desperate at the moment to be honest. I've been emailling with my therapist to say we need to talk about where I or we have failed to address certain things. She moved away a few years ago and I only see her on Skype. It's probably not been addressing my needs for a long time but I am bad at ending relationships that don't work! Feeling very sad. Thank you all for responding even during the holidays. I'm not sure if AA is going to work but it's somewhere to start. I like the fact that I have a lot of new numbers when I want to talk. But I find it hard to get to the meetings especially in the evenings and it's very much a face to face program. If there were more meetings when my toddler is at nursery that would be great. But don't seem to be many between 9-12. Oh well! Anyway not drinking. Would love to smoke but have a chest infection on top of everything else so its just me! Any other recommendations welcome. I have never tried the CBT type therapy for example. Probably just overwhelming myself with options at this point.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Sahara,
Break ups suck no matter what. I'm sorry you feel so cruddy. The only thing that ever helped me was time. And to keep doing what was working and stop doing what wasn't.
Sounds to me that AA is giving you many things you need. If it were me, I think I would continue. Plus I would do extra things to help speed up me feeling better if that is possible. Sounds like you are open to doing that. You don't sound messed up to me at all. You sound like a person who just is going through a difficult situation and sees they need some extra help. Good for you!
Drinking would be about the worst thing we could do when we hit these types of watershed moments. Here's were the rubber hits the road. You can do it. You will come out the other side stronger and better person for it. Just doesn't feel like it now.
I'm proud of you. You have worked hard and changed a lot about yourself that wasn't working. Keep going!! Now that's self esteem!
About the only thing I ever could do when I got my heart broke was feel the sadness of the situation and move forward.
High 5 and you can do it!
Break ups suck no matter what. I'm sorry you feel so cruddy. The only thing that ever helped me was time. And to keep doing what was working and stop doing what wasn't.
Sounds to me that AA is giving you many things you need. If it were me, I think I would continue. Plus I would do extra things to help speed up me feeling better if that is possible. Sounds like you are open to doing that. You don't sound messed up to me at all. You sound like a person who just is going through a difficult situation and sees they need some extra help. Good for you!
Drinking would be about the worst thing we could do when we hit these types of watershed moments. Here's were the rubber hits the road. You can do it. You will come out the other side stronger and better person for it. Just doesn't feel like it now.
I'm proud of you. You have worked hard and changed a lot about yourself that wasn't working. Keep going!! Now that's self esteem!
About the only thing I ever could do when I got my heart broke was feel the sadness of the situation and move forward.
High 5 and you can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 5
Hi Hypochondriac, sorry I missed your post earlier. Very helpful. I don't think ACOA stuff is about blame. Just that I get so overwhelmed with self pity and anger when I read the books I just start flailing about and my life (or control over it) stops working. I just sort of sit there utterly powerless feeling sorry for myself. Not sure if that is a reason to move towards or away from it :-) In AA I feel more confident though as I have 6 years sober. Huge blow to realise I am emotionally not sober at all though but a bit of an abusive arse really. Devastated I am being left, humiliated he has found someone nice to have a lovely time with instead of me with all my rubbish. I have thanked him for being there through it all. Worried he has been instramental in me turning my life around and that will be threatened when he leaves. Anyway, just get through today right x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Hi SD;
I'm an ACOA and alcoholic myself, so I understand the simmering rage that comes with the territory of growing up with an unavailible parent. I'm still dealing but it's getting better.
I say do whatever you need to to process and release the underlying emotion which you may have been carrying most of your life.
I found there is a big difference to just attending meetings and really working at tapping into the emotion. I found it more helpful with a one-on-one therapist, and I went through boxes of tissues, tsunamis of emotion, and my face would be so swollen after some sessions I had to bring a ice pack to put on my face in the car from a solid hour of sobbing and tears. I had no idea how much pain was in me. Not to mention the rage. That was its own scary thing.
You need a trustworthy therapist who understands ACOA issues--the one you have doesn't sound like the right one.
You will work hard and feel flat as a pancake, but it will really help you to see where things came from and to be able to be more present and peaceful for your daughter. This can stop the cycle.
For the record, my mom was incredibly verbally abusive when drunk (and other stuff) and guess what I started doing to my husband the more I drank? Screaming just like you.
I think you need to go to the source to release it.
Great job on not drinking.
I'm an ACOA and alcoholic myself, so I understand the simmering rage that comes with the territory of growing up with an unavailible parent. I'm still dealing but it's getting better.
I say do whatever you need to to process and release the underlying emotion which you may have been carrying most of your life.
I found there is a big difference to just attending meetings and really working at tapping into the emotion. I found it more helpful with a one-on-one therapist, and I went through boxes of tissues, tsunamis of emotion, and my face would be so swollen after some sessions I had to bring a ice pack to put on my face in the car from a solid hour of sobbing and tears. I had no idea how much pain was in me. Not to mention the rage. That was its own scary thing.
You need a trustworthy therapist who understands ACOA issues--the one you have doesn't sound like the right one.
You will work hard and feel flat as a pancake, but it will really help you to see where things came from and to be able to be more present and peaceful for your daughter. This can stop the cycle.
For the record, my mom was incredibly verbally abusive when drunk (and other stuff) and guess what I started doing to my husband the more I drank? Screaming just like you.
I think you need to go to the source to release it.
Great job on not drinking.
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