Suekie

I don't know if I'm going to succeed. AV is being atrocious right now. When I hit my "bottom" a big reason was because of pills. AV keeps telling me, pills were the reason you felt like you were losing your mind, pills were the reason you spiraled out of control. What is a few glasses of wine?? AV is so damn convincing. I'm trying so hard not to believe it. I have gone weeks without drinking before and close to a year when I was pregnant (2x), and now 32 whole days, I must NOT be an alcoholic. I'm seeing posts on FB of people drinking at holiday parties and just in general and feeling upset that I'm too weak and broken to be able to enjoy myself in the same fashion. This sucks. Pity party time and I don't even care. I don't like being weak. I don't like having this "problem". Why can't I just be normal?! In almost all areas of my life I am NOT normal. And I'm so, so tired of feeling like an outsider in my own skin. I'm so tired of life. Also, the way my moods have been lately, I think I may be bi-polar too. Life is overrated... it's nothing but struggle.

Soberween

Don't drink. It mostly likely will be a gateway to go back to pills. When your mind is in an altered state such as intoxication from alcohol, it can serve as trigger to other addiction issues you may have. You will be back to square one and the vicious circle that had you once. Those people on FB are going to wake up tomorrow feeling like crap. Be strong. Don't listen to you AV. Your AV would like to see you dead.

Suekie

Thank you. Especially for that last sentence because it is so true. "Your AV would like to see you dead". Scary thought, but I think dead on (no pun intended!). I often felt like there was a demon living inside me and it was trying to kill me, a constant battle. I would have nightmares involving fighting demons and they were ME. It's a scary thought that that lives inside of me and wants me dead. But I really believe it to be true. Does everyone have demons??

bemyself

Suekie, this is probably cold comfort to how you're feeling now. I get what you're saying (apart from the pills bit, only because thank God I don't have to contend with that as well as alcoholism).

The small comfort is: you've been able to post how you're feeling here on SR. Just posting won't / doesn't necessarily take away all that pain and frustration in the now. But at the very least, it brings in others to share with you that they too are feeling pretty similar [the pre-Christmas / NY pressures I believe are ramping up as expected on SR], right now. And it brings in others who have been through these pressures, and who have managed to live through them clean and sober.

All the stories can't take away your own pains, but they can at least comfort us knowing we're not alone in this. I say this - despondently - as someone who's not been able to stay sober each day leading up to Christmas. But I have had sobriety in the past, and I know I can get there again.

I hope you can hang on, luv. Warm cyber hugs to you.

BeerTooth

A demon inside you is a scary thought. Are you a religious person?

Suekie

I am a spiritual person. I love God.

Crazy story about that...btw. About 13 years ago, before marriage and kids, but living with my husband (then boyfriend) a really scary/weird thing happened in my sleep. We had just watched scary movies and went to bed. I had a nightmare. In my nightmare I was wrestling with a "being" on our bed who had an ax and was trying to kill me. I guess in my sleep I screamed "Damnit Sue" and it woke up my husband who said it was NOT my voice and it scared the living crap out of him. He said it was a low voice that sounded nothing like me and sat up the rest of the night chain smoking scared of me. We laughed about it the next day but it will forever freak me the heck out... especially because of this "AV demon" inside me (that lived inside me then as I was drinking heavy then). I really don't think it's an actual DEMON.. I think it's subconscious, but the whole voice thing. Totally scary.

Suekie

Thank you so much. This place is a God send. I really don't think I would have made it this far without it. It's posts like these that convince me to hang on "just a little longer".

Charliee

I went through the same struggle tonight. I went to the company Christmas party tonight and I wanted to drink so bad!! It just felt extremely jealous and that it just isn't fair. But I made it and a I feel awesome tonight. No regrets and I had everyone from SR rooting me on. You can do this too, it will pass. It's so amazing to have the love of this community! Just remember you are the one in charge.

KateL

It really does get easier as time goes on, honestly. It doesn't bother me at all now. It was awful to begin with. xxx

Imabuleva

Except for when you wake up with the shakes because you're withdrawing again. And would it really be just a few?

Suekie

It would likely not be just a few..BUT and AV is currently using this to their advantage. I never got the shakes from over indulging in wine. AV is telling me this just proves I wasn't an alcoholic. I know otherwise.. most of the time anyway.

Imabuleva

People that aren't alcoholics don't have a voice in their head telling them they're not an alcoholic.

Imabuleva

I am only 3 days sober, and my best as far back that I can remember is two weeks. So I'm not exactly an expert, but please don't listen to that voice in your head. It's trying to trick you, as you know.

Ruby2

I just thought of something silly but did you ever when you were a kid stick your fingers in your ears and hum saying "I'm not listening...I can't hear you?" Maybe give it a try with the AV? I think the comment about the AV using alcohol to go to the pills is a good one. This wasn't my own experience but my husband telling me that he wasn't really an alcoholic, he could drink in moderation, that he is really a crack addict. But once he starts to drinking all bets are off and he is out the door looking to get high. If he doesn't drink his chances of staying sober are far greater. Just a thought.

Hang in there.

Itchy

SR was my first stop for continuous after my docs, counselors, a week in the hospital to detox and a few days of rehab got me jumpstarted. Do you also have some local face to face support. A doc or counselor for addictions? I found my docs and counselors from rehab and beyond were part of what got me through that rough first year. Have you local support too if you need it?

Mizzuno

As time goes on these nights will become easier. Being in early recovery is very very hard. The struggle can be all consuming. You have posted here instead of drinking and that my dear says a lot about your commitment. Maybe its time for some chocolate and a movie?

Dee74

Have you tried urge surfing Suekie?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

The whole thing about the AV is it's utterly powerless without you - it has no legs to go to the car, no arms to carry the booze home - it needs your cooperation to succeed - only you can poor the booze down your own throat.

refuse to give that permission....use urge surfing and try and study the urge dispassionately.

You can have cravings and urges and not give into them. They do pass - and each time they do leaves us a little stronger.

Drinking is short term relief for long term problems. You're on the right road staying sober - have faith.

You won't regret waking up sober tomorrow, but you would regret waking up having drank tonight

D

MythOfSisyphus

It gets easier when you stop having Day Ones. The sober days that follow get easier. And life gets better.

EndGameNYC

Maybe so, but if it were otherwise, we'd have nothing to look forward to.