Son1977

I'm writing because I feel conflicted about how to handle my relationship with my alcoholic father. Three and a half years ago I cut him out of my life because I got so fed up with his behavior. The final straw for me at the time, was when he was sitting around drinking, talking like a bigot and making racial slurs (n-word). I asked him if this was the way he was going to talk after my son was born, who was due in less than a month. He acted faux-offended that I would dare to even suggest such a thing, but then started make snickering comments about how he'd put my son into a little KKK/Klan outfit after he's born. Right to my face.

I can tell you that to this day, nearly four years later, I still fantasize about punching him in the face for showing me that level of disrespect. About my own unborn son. It made me feel so bullied and like the world's biggest chump, because at the time all I did was stand there and take it. And he knew I would just stand there and take it, because that's what I'd always done with regards to his sh*tty behavior. Going home and telling my pregnant wife about my father's comments- that was the final straw for me. I cut him off.

He has recently reached out again, trying to reconnect and I feel very conflicted about how to deal with him.

If I had to sum up how my father approaches relationships it would be this: "If you feel hurt, it's your fault." I honestly think the man believes that any time someone is hurt by his behavior, it's an indication that something must be wrong with the other person- that they're either too sensitive, they're overreacting, they took his statements "the wrong way", etc. No matter how belittling, combative or patronizing he is, you can never get him to own it. It makes me think that decades of being a drunk have pretty much permanently altered his personality and his ability to do any sort of self-reflection.

He has constantly told me how he "would never do anything to hurt me" and how "he is not a hurtful person.", and apparently my hurt feelings can't convince him otherwise. I can't articulate how infuriating and crazy-making his statements of "I am not a hurtful person!" are to me. They drive me crazy inside because I feel like he's got some circular logic going on inside his head that makes it impossible to reason with him:

1. My son tells me he his hurt by my actions.
2. However, I *know* I am not a hurtful person.
3. Therefore the problem must be with my son- he's too sensitive, overreacting, etc.

I'm sure it's a liberating philosophy to have since it pretty much absolves you from ever having own up to anything since you can always tell the other person: "I'm not a hurtful person! So there's no legitimate way for you to feel hurt by something I've done."

If I cut him off permanently, it means I will not see him again until he dies. It feels very cold when I think about this, but I honestly do not feel like it is possible to have a healthy relationship with the man. I'm scared about the effect he's going to have on me and my son if I let him back into my life.

With regards to the racial slurs that prompted me to cut him off in the first place, he denies it ever happened! Seriously. It blows me away. I told my wife, what am I supposed to do, carry a video camera around with me to record his behavior as proof that he does these things. How can you reason with someone who can't even agree on whether an event did or did not happen? It is like denying reality to me - it's insane.

I don't think I'm some cold-hearted villain for not wanting to deal with this man anymore, even if he is my father, but it's how I feel.

SparkleKitty

An active addict cannot be reasoned with, or expected to behave rationally. They are completely absorbed in protecting the addiction until they decide they have had enough. It is not cold-hearted to remove yourself and your children from the presence of anyone who behaves unacceptably.

Do you have to decide whether to cut him off "permanently"? Can you not just choose each day that you will or will not engage with him for the sake of you and your family's well-being? It is not impossible that he will seek recovery someday and in that instance you may wish to include him in your life again. But you are not obligated to be a punching bag or to expose your children to that level of negativity and hate speech. If you don't look out for yourself, who will?

Sending you strength and patience.

hopeful4

I personally would not let him back in my life. If he cannot recognize his own bad behavior and change it, are you going to just sit back and tolerate it for you and your son? One of you will have to give. It seems to me that it should not be you or your son and quite likely it will not be him. Do you really want that hurt and pain back in your life or for your son?

My husband has an aunt that I really care about. However, her behavior is such (she is addicted to Rx pain pills and has some mental issues) we have decided we cannot have her in our lives. She causes my husband, myself and my kids too much pain and upset. She truly cannot see it and that is ok because we do see it. It does not mean we don't care about her, it just means we cannot see or communicate with her because she is toxic to us. I hope one day she gets help. Do I think she will? No, not at all. I have tried to talk to her about it and she is blind to it. Until she wants help it won't happen and clearly she does not want that.

Point being, it does not mean you don't care but you have to look at the good for you and your son, and it does not sound like it would be a good situation. Take what you want from this, leave the rest. Just my opinion.

Gentle Hugs. I am sorry. I hope you enjoy the holidays with your son without stress!

lillamy

You know... that relationship to our parents is a tricky tricky one. My therapist says she has clients who will sit on her couch and bawl at age 60 and say "My dad never loved me -- what is wrong with me???" -- which is sort of what your dad would like you to think, right? That whatever issues you have with how he treats you, it's YOUR responsibility because there is nothing wrong with him.

My son has chosen to have no contact with his father. For somewhat similar reasons. His father doesn't take responsibility for relationships either; he is verbally and emotionally abusive; he does not respect his son as a human being but wants him to cower and crawl and say "Yes Sir" basically, regardless of what is going on.

I have supported my son in making the decision that is healthiest for him in regards to his father. I have never told him "you have to love your parents" because let's face it, society tells us that all the gddmn time and some parents simply are very hard to love, and even if you do love them, it's healthiest to do that from a great distance.

If his father were to approach him about reconnecting again, I think I would encourage my son to take a serious look at what boundaries he would want and need to set for himself in order to have that relationship. It could be physical things like "I won't invite Dad to my home but I will visit him at his home, because I want to have the choice to stand up and leave at any time if my boundaries are violated." It could be other things like "I will not put up with Dad disrespecting my life choices. If he does, I will tell him that his behavior is unacceptable to me, and I will leave."

It sounds silly, but having those boundaries laid out beforehand makes it so much easier to not succumb in the moment to what you think you're expected to do.

I may be a coldhearted witch myself, but I see no reason for why anybody should be forced to spend time with a person who is unhealthy for them to be around. Doesn't really matter if said person has contributed DNA to you. You have a definite right to choose to NOT have your father in your life. Definite.

MissFixit

hi

my dad is not an A, but has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me in very similar ways to those you are mentioning. we speak a couple times for year for about 5 minutes. those are enough to do enough emotional damage to last the rest of the year.

i don't know what the answer is either. i am in the same boat with the behavior. i don't think that behavior is just because of alcoholism, i think it (for my dad) is some underlying mental illness that they don't deal with. the crazy thing? he treats my sister like and angel.

for now i stay away.

JustAGirl1971

You need to do what's right for you and your family and no one else. If that means not having contact with your father then don't feel guilty about it. Your primary responsibility is to your family (wife, children, you.)

I have chosen to limit contact with certain members of my family for similar reasons. I control the contact: the setting, frequency, timing, and amount of time. If I don't feel like answering the phone, I don't. I do not invite them over, just meet them somewhere neutral so that I can leave if/when I'm ready. It works for me.

formyboys

My first ex husband became addicted to drugs after we divorced...he was in and out of court ordered rehab for years, eventually as our son (my oldest) became aware of this he cut off all contact from his father like you have. I never interfered as he was old enough to make that decision on his own. His father eventually started having congestive heart failure because of the drug use and then sadly died from it. He knew of his condition for months and still never reached out to make contact with his only child/son. When he died it was sudden and my son beat himself up for months..to this day he regrets not reaching out to his father.

I have told him over and over that he was the child, and his father the adult. That it was not his fault that the relationship was not there. At this point he has forgotten all the bad points and has romanticized the whole thing in his mind. It breaks my heart to see him suffer with this and goes to show you how even long after the addict is gone they still leave loads of crap in their wake.

Now Im watching my younger son from my XRAH go through the same thing...I hate that you kids have to suffer for a situation you had no choice in.
Make the choice that is right for you and your young family...Im not even sure why Im sharing this but I guess to share with you how there could be regrets and to prepare for that so you don't suffer the same way.

Recovering2

We can care about our family members without engaging with them. It's okay to not let them into our daily lives. It's okay to give them their stuff back and not carry the baggage for them. That's not being cold. That's self care. One of the best things I heard in family recovery was "No is a complete sentence". It's perfectly okay to say "No" to something that makes us uncomfortable. We don't need to justify, explain, rationalize it.

Take care of you and your family. Keep your serenity.

Son1977

That pretty much sums up my father in a nutshell. He *loves* to play the Father Knows Best role. Even after I cut him off the first time, I still called his house to leave a message on the day my son was born. I did this out of a feeling of obligation. He never even bothered to call back to acknowledge my son's birth. I feel like that phone call highlighted the fact that throughout our relationship, it's always on me to be the "bigger person", to "get over it", to "go along to get along", etc. And I feel like he's great at using guilt to reinforce this dynamic.

In his latest letter, he gushes on and on about how precious the relationship between a father and son is. It makes me sick. He loves to talk about how important family is, but it's always in the context of why I need to just get over it. It's never "family is important, so I'm going to change my behavior." Instead, it's always "family is important, so no matter what I do, you can't cut me off. Family is important, so *you* have to get over it." That's the underlying message I always get. I have always felt like all his talk about "how important family is" has always been self-serving BS. I'm sure he sees me getting over his behavior as a chance for me to prove how much I value family.

It all drives me insane, because I feel like he creates the conflict in the first place, refuses to own up to it, and then has the audacity to start preaching about how important family is. It's like having a compulsive liar preach to you about the value of honesty and how this time you've got to believe them because "trust is the foundation of every relationship" or some sappy sh*t like that. And you feel like "Who the hell are you to preach this stuff to me?"

Reading through his letter he says he still "doesn't understand what he did" to cause a rift between us. I'm in marvel of the fact that the guy can be as combative and disrespectful as he is, treat people in ways he would never put up with, and then play dumb. I feel fed up with him and his relentless unwillingness to take responsibility for his behavior.

I think if I were a stronger person, I could enforce boundaries with my father, but at this point, with a three year old son of my own, I don't really think I have it in me anymore to put up with him. I know that if I let him back into my life, he will constantly be testing to see how much he can get away with, to take charge of the relationship so that it's on his terms. He's very good at doing this, and the parent-child dynamic makes it that much harder for me to deal with. Even if I felt that I was strong enough to enforce boundaries with him all the time, I feel like that's energy and effort that I could have put towards my own wife and son.

JustAGirl1971

It sounds like you have your answer My father is also an alcoholic. He wasn't verbally abusive and we have a decent relationship. Even so, now in my 40s, I can see how the dysfunction in our home impacted me. I'm relatively new to counseling (~2 months), and Al-Anon (a handful of meetings.) I started both to deal with my husband's drinking and the dysfunction in my present situation. What I didn't expect was to see how much my past experiences had impacted how I parent my children and therefore, impacted my children. I really wish I'd started Al-Anon and/or counseling when my children were your son's age.

Recovering2

You know what you want to do. You're not ready to let him back in, and that's perfectly okay. You may never be, that's okay too. He's a trigger to your emotional well being. So say "No" and move forward. He may react, and that's okay too. Doesn't have to change the decision that is best for you. His reaction to your "No" is not your concern.

Best of Luck. Try to let this go and enjoy the holidays with your child.