BlueMoon

My AH has been *poofed* for just over a month now. I'm sorting and packing stuff, getting ready to leave our apt. and move into my son's (+ family!) basement.
(Still haven't heard anything from or about AH)

I think what i need right now, is for y'all to "give me permission" to still be madly in love with him and to not feel any anger towards him. I'm scared to death for him - all i can do about that is pray and ask the Goddess to hold him close and to help him learn what he needs to learn. I'm sure at some point, I WILL be angry, and maybe it's the fear that keeps me from feeling it right now - ? - but right now, i'm NOT - and my family seems to think that VERY odd.

I miss him so much i ache. He was sober *7 years*! This is NOT "normal". (HA! that sounds really funny when it's written down!!)
I've found that what helps when i start missing him is to close my eyes and remember all the wonderfully good things we've shared. I picture his smile, I feel his arms around me. And then I'm filled with this huge sense of love + joy and it feels so good.

I didn't realize how very ANGRY my son is - (AH is his step-dad) - and it started to make me feel guilty + kinda weird for still loving AH like i always have - more + more every day-

I still *believe* that he WILL come home. Why?? Because I KNOW he loves me. I know this isn't about me OR about our relationship. It's about his disease. And because dammit, i WANT him to!

June 18th is our 12 year anniversary.
Right now, I choose to smile when i think about that instead of cry.

It feels like by smiling, by letting myself love him, that I am showing (me) that I DO have faith in a Higher Power.

Please tell me it's ok to sit + think happy thoughts about him + that it's ok to keep loving him this much!
(or have i finally totally lost my last remaining marble?)


Blue

Ann

Bluemoon

You certainly have my permission. Being able to do this without anger or resentments is a reflection of your recovery. When all those bad feelings turn into compassion, the battle is half won.

It's okay to love him, it's okay to have compassion for him, and it is more than okay to pray for him and turn him over to a greater power.

You and he, have my prayers also.

Hugs
Ann

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Bluemoon,

When someone steals or is violent, there is tangible harm. Outside of those sorts of things, harm is in our perception of it. If you don't feel like he's hurting you, he's not. Obviously your son's perception is different. But however justified his anger is, it doesn't serve him. You're fine. Stop worrying about it and go look for your marbles.

Hugs!
Smoke

BlueMoon

Thank you Ann + Smoke!
I saw my psych. today and he's in agreement with you -
It just feels really strange! I suppose because me feeling this way and/or being able to think/act this way is VERY NEW - so of course, MY first assumption is that i'm doing it wrong!

As far as being hurt - i guess it's just extremely obvious to me that while i may hurt (+ be afraid and worry etc) - i KNOW he is hurting more - [sigh]

I totally understand Son being angry, hurt, disappointed - DIL is even more so. I guess that's what works for them right now -

and Smoke - so funny about my marbles - as i'm sorting + packing i keep finding more and more 'marbles'!! I found a couple of 'pinballs' which i figure qualify as big giant marbles - a bunch of regular marbles AND a little bitty 'bb'! now - - i must find a SAFE place for them!

again, thank you both! This just all feels sooooo strange.


Blue