Help...am I really the blame?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 2
Help...am I really the blame?
This is the first time I have ever posted anywhere for outside opinions and/or help. I don’t want to be long winded because I want people to actually read this.
I will try to say a lot quickly. Okay. Our marriage is reaching the 25 year mark December 22. We have four children. Two dependent, two old enough to be non-dependent but still look to us for some things. Husband is an alcoholic. He was when I married him. Back then, I just didn't see it as anything bad. But alcoholism progresses, and as many A do, I take the brunt of blame for his problem.
I have worked the same job since we have lived in this state (14 years). I am a waitress at a small restaurant, but manage to make enough to basically support the family. Husband works as self- employed and does contribute, but nearly all the money comes from my job.
Here’s the thing. During my five nights of work, my husband was “sitting alone” (even though the two youngest children are at home) “lonely, with nothing to do but drink and listen to crappy music.” During much of this time, he would concoct things in his head. Why was I doing this to him? Why was I leaving him miserable when he hates this place and my job so much? He even believed that something at my job was preventing me from leaving it, so suddenly, the boss and I are having a lesbian affair and I am in love with her. He would confront me with some of the most despicable thoughts when I got home from work. He was obviously drunk as he would text me all night. I have received plenty of verbal abuse over the years and some of it was directed towards the children also. So basically one terrible night, he planned on a fight when I returned from work. Things escalated quickly, so after threatening to call the police so many times but never doing it out of fear, I dialed 911 and didn’t say anything because I knew they would come. He was arrested in the home for assault on a female. It’s not over yet (two postponements so far) because he admitted he had a problem and what they want is for him to seek treatment. He had an assessment from an alcohol counselor (who basically told him that if he is not happy here to change it or things would never change). Then went to two AA meetings and a 3 day rapid detox and left AMA. They wanted him to do the 28 day detox. I think the courts would have like that too.
Well, the day after detox, we fought. He left the home and went to his brother’s home 30 miles away, our first separation ever during this entire marriage. We fought via text and phone calls and then decided that we should try to fix things since we were married before the eyes of God. We had a date alone at his brothers. It was good and bad. I know he likes to be there because no one there will ever say anything to him about his drinking. He feels like he isn't the only one that needs to change. He feels like if he gives up alcohol then I should also give up something. Basically he has given me an ultimatum. He wants me to leave my job and my home. Okay. Well, how do you do that without money to move on, or a place to move to, or a job that would pay even half of what I make now? Am I the worst kind of enabler? Are me and my children really to blame for this?
Feel free to address absolutely anything from this that you derive. I need emotional help. Thanks in advance for your responses.
Summertrek
I will try to say a lot quickly. Okay. Our marriage is reaching the 25 year mark December 22. We have four children. Two dependent, two old enough to be non-dependent but still look to us for some things. Husband is an alcoholic. He was when I married him. Back then, I just didn't see it as anything bad. But alcoholism progresses, and as many A do, I take the brunt of blame for his problem.
I have worked the same job since we have lived in this state (14 years). I am a waitress at a small restaurant, but manage to make enough to basically support the family. Husband works as self- employed and does contribute, but nearly all the money comes from my job.
Here’s the thing. During my five nights of work, my husband was “sitting alone” (even though the two youngest children are at home) “lonely, with nothing to do but drink and listen to crappy music.” During much of this time, he would concoct things in his head. Why was I doing this to him? Why was I leaving him miserable when he hates this place and my job so much? He even believed that something at my job was preventing me from leaving it, so suddenly, the boss and I are having a lesbian affair and I am in love with her. He would confront me with some of the most despicable thoughts when I got home from work. He was obviously drunk as he would text me all night. I have received plenty of verbal abuse over the years and some of it was directed towards the children also. So basically one terrible night, he planned on a fight when I returned from work. Things escalated quickly, so after threatening to call the police so many times but never doing it out of fear, I dialed 911 and didn’t say anything because I knew they would come. He was arrested in the home for assault on a female. It’s not over yet (two postponements so far) because he admitted he had a problem and what they want is for him to seek treatment. He had an assessment from an alcohol counselor (who basically told him that if he is not happy here to change it or things would never change). Then went to two AA meetings and a 3 day rapid detox and left AMA. They wanted him to do the 28 day detox. I think the courts would have like that too.
Well, the day after detox, we fought. He left the home and went to his brother’s home 30 miles away, our first separation ever during this entire marriage. We fought via text and phone calls and then decided that we should try to fix things since we were married before the eyes of God. We had a date alone at his brothers. It was good and bad. I know he likes to be there because no one there will ever say anything to him about his drinking. He feels like he isn't the only one that needs to change. He feels like if he gives up alcohol then I should also give up something. Basically he has given me an ultimatum. He wants me to leave my job and my home. Okay. Well, how do you do that without money to move on, or a place to move to, or a job that would pay even half of what I make now? Am I the worst kind of enabler? Are me and my children really to blame for this?
Feel free to address absolutely anything from this that you derive. I need emotional help. Thanks in advance for your responses.
Summertrek
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Giving up your source of income and home is just controlling crazy talk (quacking) from your Alcoholic Husband.
We have a friends and family forum where you'll get a lot of fantastic support and experience. Certainly you can post here in the New Comers or wherever you want but I think the below link will be most helpful.
Here is the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Giving up your source of income and home is just controlling crazy talk (quacking) from your Alcoholic Husband.
We have a friends and family forum where you'll get a lot of fantastic support and experience. Certainly you can post here in the New Comers or wherever you want but I think the below link will be most helpful.
Here is the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
No, you are absolutely NOT to blame and neither are your children. He is just trying to manipulate you. You have a life outside of that house and he doesn't. That isn't your fault, it's his. He doesn't have to sit at home feeling lonely. What a bunch of crap! He's being a spoiled little brat. If you left your job, you would be stuck there with him all the time and I can guarantee you, he would not stop drinking. He is in denial that HE is the problem and is pointing fingers at everyone else. This is typical alcoholic behavior.
In addition to all that, physical violence is NEVER acceptable. Verbal abuse is not acceptable either, especially when directed toward the children. I hope you won't let him browbeat you into quitting your job. There are children that need to be taken care of and it's obvious HE isn't doing it.
In addition to all that, physical violence is NEVER acceptable. Verbal abuse is not acceptable either, especially when directed toward the children. I hope you won't let him browbeat you into quitting your job. There are children that need to be taken care of and it's obvious HE isn't doing it.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I am sorry you are going through this.
Do not try to strike a deal with a drinking alcoholic. It will not work out for you.
It does not matter what you do, it is not within your power to help him get better.
Take care of yourself and your children.
Good luck on this journey.
Do not try to strike a deal with a drinking alcoholic. It will not work out for you.
It does not matter what you do, it is not within your power to help him get better.
Take care of yourself and your children.
Good luck on this journey.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
Originally Posted by Received 
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Giving up your source of income and home is just controlling crazy talk (quacking) from your Alcoholic Husband.
We have a friends and family forum where you'll get a lot of fantastic support and experience. Certainly you can post here in the New Comers or wherever you want but I think the below link will be most helpful.
Here is the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Giving up your source of income and home is just controlling crazy talk (quacking) from your Alcoholic Husband.
We have a friends and family forum where you'll get a lot of fantastic support and experience. Certainly you can post here in the New Comers or wherever you want but I think the below link will be most helpful.
Here is the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Originally Posted by suki44883
No, you are absolutely NOT to blame and neither are your children. He is just trying to manipulate you. You have a life outside of that house and he doesn't. That isn't your fault, it's his. He doesn't have to sit at home feeling lonely. What a bunch of crap! He's being a spoiled little brat. If you left your job, you would be stuck there with him all the time and I can guarantee you, he would not stop drinking. He is in denial that HE is the problem and is pointing fingers at everyone else. This is typical alcoholic behavior.
In addition to all that, physical violence is NEVER acceptable. Verbal abuse is not acceptable either, especially when directed toward the children. I hope you won't let him browbeat you into quitting your job. There are children that need to be taken care of and it's obvious HE isn't doing it.
In addition to all that, physical violence is NEVER acceptable. Verbal abuse is not acceptable either, especially when directed toward the children. I hope you won't let him browbeat you into quitting your job. There are children that need to be taken care of and it's obvious HE isn't doing it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
What they said. You and your kids are most certainly not to blame. He's supposed to be an adult but is acting like a spoiled kid. Get support from AlAnon and it wouldn't be a bad idea to contact your local battered women's shelter as he is abusing you, verbally if not physically, and that's not acceptable.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi summertrek 
welcome to SR - I'm glad you found us
some good advice here - I can't see where any of this is your fault either
I used to be the guy sitting at home drinking - if my life was crappy that was my fault, noone elses
I hope you stick around, check out the other forum and maybe even go to al anon
D
welcome to SR - I'm glad you found us
some good advice here - I can't see where any of this is your fault either
I used to be the guy sitting at home drinking - if my life was crappy that was my fault, noone elses
I hope you stick around, check out the other forum and maybe even go to al anon
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 233
Amen to all posts above. You are NOT to blame.
Sounds like typical alkie speak to me and he has a long way to go. Him controlling you won't help him control himself. And having you give up something just because he has still won't help him.
There is nothing better than blaming someone else, in this case you, for a problem the alcoholic needs to own up to.
He sounds like he needs to go to AA. And I would suggest trying AlAnon for yourself.
Signed,
Another alcoholic who understands the thinking process of addiction.
Sounds like typical alkie speak to me and he has a long way to go. Him controlling you won't help him control himself. And having you give up something just because he has still won't help him.
There is nothing better than blaming someone else, in this case you, for a problem the alcoholic needs to own up to.
He sounds like he needs to go to AA. And I would suggest trying AlAnon for yourself.
Signed,
Another alcoholic who understands the thinking process of addiction.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
you're being yanked around mercilessly.
do what's right for you and the kids. i guess you're not sure what that is right now?
and concerned about the "married before the eyes of god" vows? no god i could imagine would want to see you be assaulted and abused. it's a dealbreaker.
i'd suggest speaking with other women who are knowledgeable about resources for women in violent situations. you can usually find a phone info line in the front of the phonebook.
the first thing is to be safe.
if you were to quit your job, you'd be much more dependent and vulnerable.
do what's right for you and the kids. i guess you're not sure what that is right now?
and concerned about the "married before the eyes of god" vows? no god i could imagine would want to see you be assaulted and abused. it's a dealbreaker.
i'd suggest speaking with other women who are knowledgeable about resources for women in violent situations. you can usually find a phone info line in the front of the phonebook.
the first thing is to be safe.
if you were to quit your job, you'd be much more dependent and vulnerable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you for the warm welcomes, assurances, and advice. As the situation stands right now, he is still at his brother's house. He says he cannot return here. He feels that our children are standing in the way of our relationship. He says he can drink there moderately and no one judges him. His brother knows his side of the story only. He has not lived with this for 25 years. His brother is a strong christian and does believe in the sacrament of marriage and counsels. We are/were supposed to meet Thursday night as a group. But of course, AH has blamed me once again for "putting him on the back burner". "You never have time for me". I feel stretched so thin sometimes that I think I'm gonna break. It is really like he is trying to make me choose between him and the kids!I still have four more years of responsible parenting before I could set them out of the nest. I'm so confused. He still has appointments for alcohol counseling and mental health appointments before his next court date. This may sound cruel, but I honestly hope they don't release him from this until he agrees to do the 28 days inpatient. He knows he can't drink here because everyone calls him out on it. The kids are disrespectful etc. etc. I don't think they had very good role models. But I'm certain he is drinking as much as before because the tone of his messages are a giveaway.
And I would love to try Al Anon but I'm at a loss as to where they meet. I've looked on line to no avail. He actually had a list that I saw, but of course he took it with him.
And I would love to try Al Anon but I'm at a loss as to where they meet. I've looked on line to no avail. He actually had a list that I saw, but of course he took it with him.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
O.M.G. He thinks your children are standing in the way of your marriage?? Really?? How awful for him to say something like that! Sorry, I can't say more or I'll really explode on this guy.
PLEASE, don't let him manipulate you this way.
PLEASE, don't let him manipulate you this way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,023
My 2 cents. Prepare a back up plan for your children and yourself. It's truly wonderful that you wish to help him but there is no assurance that he can or will quit. For your sake and your children, I believe you need an option that is independent of whether he recovers or not.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
He is not well. As long as he is still drinking you cannot trust a single word coming out of his mouth. An active alcoholic will say anything to protect his drinking. I know. I've done it.
No husband or father in his right mind would put you in this position.
For you - this is a boundary that cannot be crossed. Get help - legal, professional, and support. You need help to minimize the risk and stem the damage. You need support for your own emotional stability - your children need you to be stable.
Keep in touch.
Originally Posted by summertrek
It is really like he is trying to make me choose between him and the kids!
For you - this is a boundary that cannot be crossed. Get help - legal, professional, and support. You need help to minimize the risk and stem the damage. You need support for your own emotional stability - your children need you to be stable.
Keep in touch.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
Well it's pretty evident that he's going to point the finger at everyone involved except who is responsible... Himself. I'm not going to judge him personally, but know it's not unusual for an alcoholic that's being forced to quit to not be honest with anyone, including themselves. If you read stories from others in the friends and family section you will see this pattern over and over.
I wanted to point out, you can set your own boundaries (time apart, protection order if need be, etc). You don't have to "hope" they force him to do 28-day rehab. Do what you need to do, he's obviously not in a very healthy place.
Here's a link to friends and family forum, I suggest you discuss this there as well, and ask about Al-Anon meetings in your area too.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I wanted to point out, you can set your own boundaries (time apart, protection order if need be, etc). You don't have to "hope" they force him to do 28-day rehab. Do what you need to do, he's obviously not in a very healthy place.
Here's a link to friends and family forum, I suggest you discuss this there as well, and ask about Al-Anon meetings in your area too.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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