I want to give up!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 127
I want to give up!
My AD is in jail still. We are waiting to see if they can get her into a rehab. For the first time she is starting to show remorse. She's crying a lot. It's the first time in years she's actually "feeling". She's not getting her psych meds there though so she is starting to unravel a bit and scared she is going to get herself in trouble. I'm cautiously hopeful that things might change.
As for my son........he has been doing wrong for a long time. He's just better at hiding it than my daughter. My husband also has a lot of denial. When my son was little I realized he had a learning disability and also needed speech therapy. My husband was in denial. I fought and advocated for my son and he was able to graduate on time with a regular diploma. When he started smoking pot, I kept telling my husband. I was hearing rumors, he would come home with bloodshot eyes etc. My husband was in denial. "I'll talk him"(my husbands famous line). Finally I cornered my son and my daughter (as not to single one out...we are a blended family) after school and handed him a pee cup. Surprise surprise he's getting high. Over the years my husband would make excuses for him. That pot isn't a big deal. He doesn't like the fact that he's smoking pot but it's just pot. Meanwhile, we would be up my daughters a$$ for every little thing she did wrong. My son has no direction. He's 21, works a part time retail job, no responsibilities, sleeps half the day etc. I have argued with my hubby that you can't expect him to be a productive member of society if you're not even requiring him to be a productive member of the family. He doesn't have to push himself to do anything more because he works just enough to support his habits. So after much fighting, I finally forced him to get his own car insurance (don't want that on mine when you're driving high) and put his cell in his own name. I have found pot in my house, outside of house (the dog found a full glass pipe in the mulch). Again, my husband "has a talk" with him. My husband does not like confrontation unless it's with me...that he has no problem with. My AD has been trying to tell us that there is more that just pot going on with AS. Hubby never wants to believe her. So after the blowout this weekend with AS and the people coming to the house about the crashed car I handed him another pee cup. (Hubby not home) +opiate,pot,oxy,benzo. Asked AS if he's using heroin like AD and he told me shut the "f" up!!! Told him he needs to find another place to live.
So now, he is with my BIL. Giving a sob story about the tension in this house, he'd rather not live here, we don't acknowledge him even when he does good, he's only popping a few pills on the weekend, he's selling pot also cuz he's not making enough money to pay the insurance we made him pay....etc
My hubby and BIL fall right into this load of crap. My hubby feels bad for him all the time. My son makes almost $1k a month. Yes...it's not a lot but hello....300insurance and 150 cell...that leaves 500 or so to spend on drugs.
I just want to scream!!! My AS walks around like he's had the worst life in the world. Yes, our family has been through a ton of things that most families wouldn't go through in a lifetime but it could always be worse. And my hubby and I have always been there for them and put them first, made sure they did not go without. My hubby is so blinded by his feelings and this kid makes him feel guilty. Like it's our fault. He's 21 for Gods sake. Hubby is worried that AS has nowhere to go and thinks its different for him cuz when we kicked AD out she had a bf and we knew that's where she would be. No ..let me remind you AD had no phone, no car, no job and is more vulnerable cuz she is a female. AS has job, car, phone etc. he needs to CHOOSE to do something different! He won't even admit he's using..."I don't know how that test got positive" ...seriously??
I'm sorry this is so long and I'm rambling. I'm just so sick of battling and battling alone on top of it. I'm so tired of being the rock, the voice of reason (that no one listens to anyway). I would just say screw it all and let them all do what they want but I can't because of my 13 yo. Sometimes I just want to take her and run away and say you can all fend for yourselves now and figure it out on your own.
As for my son........he has been doing wrong for a long time. He's just better at hiding it than my daughter. My husband also has a lot of denial. When my son was little I realized he had a learning disability and also needed speech therapy. My husband was in denial. I fought and advocated for my son and he was able to graduate on time with a regular diploma. When he started smoking pot, I kept telling my husband. I was hearing rumors, he would come home with bloodshot eyes etc. My husband was in denial. "I'll talk him"(my husbands famous line). Finally I cornered my son and my daughter (as not to single one out...we are a blended family) after school and handed him a pee cup. Surprise surprise he's getting high. Over the years my husband would make excuses for him. That pot isn't a big deal. He doesn't like the fact that he's smoking pot but it's just pot. Meanwhile, we would be up my daughters a$$ for every little thing she did wrong. My son has no direction. He's 21, works a part time retail job, no responsibilities, sleeps half the day etc. I have argued with my hubby that you can't expect him to be a productive member of society if you're not even requiring him to be a productive member of the family. He doesn't have to push himself to do anything more because he works just enough to support his habits. So after much fighting, I finally forced him to get his own car insurance (don't want that on mine when you're driving high) and put his cell in his own name. I have found pot in my house, outside of house (the dog found a full glass pipe in the mulch). Again, my husband "has a talk" with him. My husband does not like confrontation unless it's with me...that he has no problem with. My AD has been trying to tell us that there is more that just pot going on with AS. Hubby never wants to believe her. So after the blowout this weekend with AS and the people coming to the house about the crashed car I handed him another pee cup. (Hubby not home) +opiate,pot,oxy,benzo. Asked AS if he's using heroin like AD and he told me shut the "f" up!!! Told him he needs to find another place to live.
So now, he is with my BIL. Giving a sob story about the tension in this house, he'd rather not live here, we don't acknowledge him even when he does good, he's only popping a few pills on the weekend, he's selling pot also cuz he's not making enough money to pay the insurance we made him pay....etc
My hubby and BIL fall right into this load of crap. My hubby feels bad for him all the time. My son makes almost $1k a month. Yes...it's not a lot but hello....300insurance and 150 cell...that leaves 500 or so to spend on drugs.
I just want to scream!!! My AS walks around like he's had the worst life in the world. Yes, our family has been through a ton of things that most families wouldn't go through in a lifetime but it could always be worse. And my hubby and I have always been there for them and put them first, made sure they did not go without. My hubby is so blinded by his feelings and this kid makes him feel guilty. Like it's our fault. He's 21 for Gods sake. Hubby is worried that AS has nowhere to go and thinks its different for him cuz when we kicked AD out she had a bf and we knew that's where she would be. No ..let me remind you AD had no phone, no car, no job and is more vulnerable cuz she is a female. AS has job, car, phone etc. he needs to CHOOSE to do something different! He won't even admit he's using..."I don't know how that test got positive" ...seriously??
I'm sorry this is so long and I'm rambling. I'm just so sick of battling and battling alone on top of it. I'm so tired of being the rock, the voice of reason (that no one listens to anyway). I would just say screw it all and let them all do what they want but I can't because of my 13 yo. Sometimes I just want to take her and run away and say you can all fend for yourselves now and figure it out on your own.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Jend719: You are venting at a place that is safe. You are not alone. We have all gone through this and are still going through this. You are not battling this alone, at least as far as this Friends/Family forum.
Please keep coming back!. You did not get to your situation slowly, and your answers will correspondingly come slowly. But please keep coming back here. Also very important is to find Al-Anon meetings. Face-to-face meetings will help you. Even with your husband remaining in denial, your situation is not hopeless.
Sojourner
Please keep coming back!. You did not get to your situation slowly, and your answers will correspondingly come slowly. But please keep coming back here. Also very important is to find Al-Anon meetings. Face-to-face meetings will help you. Even with your husband remaining in denial, your situation is not hopeless.
Sojourner
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Sending you prayers for strength Jend. Sojourner is right, some sort of support meeting, face to face, would help you. Truly there isn't much you can do for any of them....they have to reach their own conclusions in their own time. Just like with your daughter, your BIL will start to see the full picture shortly. Time will reveal more. The more you try to prove your points the more defensive your husband and others are becoming. Focus on you, your 13 year old and your daughter who is hopefully nearing a real turning point. Let the others chase their own tails for now. Just disengage...say you no longer want to hear any sob stories. You are looking for solutions, not more chaos. You trust your instincts are right on and obviously they are. We can't force others to reach the spot we find ourselves at...they may never....but we can continue to protect our own sanity...put boundaries where they are appropriate...and be proactive about finding healthy support for ourselves. This is such a crappy position to be in. I wish I could push a fast forward button....through the holidays....stop it in a few months to see if my son is closer to choosing recovery...pause if needed....you get the drill. Waiting IS the hardest part of hope...it's so true. Big hug to you Jend. Chin up.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Live meetings helped many of us find our balance in the midst of insanity, why not find one near you and give it a shot?
Addiction truly is a family disease and the only thing we can control is how we personally respond to it. I'm glad you are watching out for your young child too, it's just hard watching our loved ones self-destruct.
Hugs and prayers for all of you from another mama.
Addiction truly is a family disease and the only thing we can control is how we personally respond to it. I'm glad you are watching out for your young child too, it's just hard watching our loved ones self-destruct.
Hugs and prayers for all of you from another mama.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 127
Thank you for your words of support. I did go to a few alanon meetings in the beginning when I found out about my daughters addiction. They were just ok. Maybe I need to find a different one. There's a support group at my church on tues nights. It's very difficult for me at that time of day due to my physical limitations. My body just shuts down at that time.
The hardest thing is like EJG said...not being on the same page. He is but he's not if that makes sense. He thinks he's "tough love" but he is an enabler and doesn't know it. I have therapy tomorrow (thank God) so I will let her know all that's going on.
To top things off, my mother was visiting from Florida and left yesterday to visit more family in Boston and ended up being rushed to the hospital today with pneumonia. And then I watched my 13yo take a tumble off her horse at her riding lesson tonight. My nerves are shot. I'm flaring with this autoimmune disease and feeling horrible. My AD's lawyer is not sure if they can/should get her into the rehab. She's afraid she will sign herself out and disappear. My AD is saying she really wants to go and be clean etc but she's in jail...so of course anything other than jail sounds great. I don't know what to believe. She has 3 court dates next week and supposed to plead guilty to one of the misdemeanors and be sentenced.
My husband focuses on the fact that my AS says there's too much tension in the house. Of course there's tension when they're both using drugs and sleeping all day and coming home in the middle of the night. Dogs barking, waking us up when we both have to get up and be responsible.
I think my husband is still in the beginning stages thinking he can fix, feeling guilty etc. I'm past that. I've already surrendered. I guess I have to wait for him to catch up.
The hardest thing is like EJG said...not being on the same page. He is but he's not if that makes sense. He thinks he's "tough love" but he is an enabler and doesn't know it. I have therapy tomorrow (thank God) so I will let her know all that's going on.
To top things off, my mother was visiting from Florida and left yesterday to visit more family in Boston and ended up being rushed to the hospital today with pneumonia. And then I watched my 13yo take a tumble off her horse at her riding lesson tonight. My nerves are shot. I'm flaring with this autoimmune disease and feeling horrible. My AD's lawyer is not sure if they can/should get her into the rehab. She's afraid she will sign herself out and disappear. My AD is saying she really wants to go and be clean etc but she's in jail...so of course anything other than jail sounds great. I don't know what to believe. She has 3 court dates next week and supposed to plead guilty to one of the misdemeanors and be sentenced.
My husband focuses on the fact that my AS says there's too much tension in the house. Of course there's tension when they're both using drugs and sleeping all day and coming home in the middle of the night. Dogs barking, waking us up when we both have to get up and be responsible.
I think my husband is still in the beginning stages thinking he can fix, feeling guilty etc. I'm past that. I've already surrendered. I guess I have to wait for him to catch up.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too have autoimmune issues, and they rise significantly at times of stress. I got so sick with pneumonia that I almost died.
So please take your own health into account with all of this.
The Salvation Army rehabs have a very good program and are free. Let your daughter apply there for when she is releases and then if she quits it doesn't cost you anything.
My thought are to let her figure her plight out herself, she has many options, you are not the only place for her to go, and considering your health it is probably best for everyone if she finds her own place and her own way.
Hugs
So please take your own health into account with all of this.
The Salvation Army rehabs have a very good program and are free. Let your daughter apply there for when she is releases and then if she quits it doesn't cost you anything.
My thought are to let her figure her plight out herself, she has many options, you are not the only place for her to go, and considering your health it is probably best for everyone if she finds her own place and her own way.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East Coast of Florida
Posts: 61
Thoughts are with you for the coming week. Truly a difficult position to be in. I couldn't help but notice what you said about your husband being non-confrontational unless it's with you. Been there, done that!
From experience, I agree 100% with lizwig who says that the more you try to prove your point, the more defensive everyone else gets. Next thing you know, you're the problem. Take a deep breath....
From experience, I agree 100% with lizwig who says that the more you try to prove your point, the more defensive everyone else gets. Next thing you know, you're the problem. Take a deep breath....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
jend...you are in the right place and your post helped me get out of thinking I am all alone...I actually physically am right now...but have gone through all the same dynamics and been the one who treated all kids equally with tough love...hubby thought I was too harsh.
well, I am on my third addict daughter...the boys do anything (they just drink so that is ok with hubby) and I am relieved that the oldest three are doing fine...and the youngest...at 19 has chosen not to live with me but with his older siblings...but I am standing by this addict as I stood by the others over past 16 years.
In any case...you are so welcome...haven't been here for a while, but need to be here.
God Bless and vent away...it will help.
well, I am on my third addict daughter...the boys do anything (they just drink so that is ok with hubby) and I am relieved that the oldest three are doing fine...and the youngest...at 19 has chosen not to live with me but with his older siblings...but I am standing by this addict as I stood by the others over past 16 years.
In any case...you are so welcome...haven't been here for a while, but need to be here.
God Bless and vent away...it will help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
jend you post has helped me also! Who knew that your post was gonna help so many!!!
I feel like you....it's against our mother-nature to let go and move on. How can you spend so many years caring, loving and protecting your children only to let them fall and hit HARD...many times over!
But....after years of watching them (2 young adult children) repeat the same behaviors over and over and me Jumping "how high?" I can tell you I jumped, their dad jumped, their grandmother jumped. We are all tired. My mother went through a stressful time and when my daughter asked her, again, to live with her she said "no." Mostly because she felt that her grandkids didn't care or help her move or check in on her unless they need something.
After awhile we all get sick of being used.
I feel like you....it's against our mother-nature to let go and move on. How can you spend so many years caring, loving and protecting your children only to let them fall and hit HARD...many times over!
But....after years of watching them (2 young adult children) repeat the same behaviors over and over and me Jumping "how high?" I can tell you I jumped, their dad jumped, their grandmother jumped. We are all tired. My mother went through a stressful time and when my daughter asked her, again, to live with her she said "no." Mostly because she felt that her grandkids didn't care or help her move or check in on her unless they need something.
After awhile we all get sick of being used.
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