Did my 15 years sobriety just disappear? I had a life!! WITHOIUT drugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: brunswick
Posts: 6
Did my 15 years sobriety just disappear? I had a life!! WITHOIUT drugs!
I slipped
I was sober for 15 years. The feelings , cravings, everything DOES go away. I got married and raised two beautiful daughters, went to college, graduated, and Now I Chair my department at the college. Years and years and years of such joy, and energy, love for being given a second chance!!! I caught up on all the years I lost to drugs.
Then I found out I had Hep C. I went to get treated, the first needle of the first day and I passed out right in the doctors nurse's counter. I had to inject myself for the next 6 months and take meds....they screw with your brain. I have never been the same since and began using that year.
?I am now on day 6 of my second attempt at detoxing from Opiates. I am also on benzos --but I tried giving it all up last year too, and failed, this time I am going to get off the Opiates first, then later, much later, the benzos.
Did my 15 years sobriety just disappear? I had a life!! WITHOIUT drugs!
Any advice
I was sober for 15 years. The feelings , cravings, everything DOES go away. I got married and raised two beautiful daughters, went to college, graduated, and Now I Chair my department at the college. Years and years and years of such joy, and energy, love for being given a second chance!!! I caught up on all the years I lost to drugs.
Then I found out I had Hep C. I went to get treated, the first needle of the first day and I passed out right in the doctors nurse's counter. I had to inject myself for the next 6 months and take meds....they screw with your brain. I have never been the same since and began using that year.
?I am now on day 6 of my second attempt at detoxing from Opiates. I am also on benzos --but I tried giving it all up last year too, and failed, this time I am going to get off the Opiates first, then later, much later, the benzos.
Did my 15 years sobriety just disappear? I had a life!! WITHOIUT drugs!
Any advice
Journey to Freedom
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 323
When you have a past with addiction, and then you have to be treated with similar drugs that you had to give up, it really puts you in the worst position possible. You know you had a problem yet you have to use prescription drugs to assist you in your healthcare.
Tell me something- are you currently still needing these drugs? Do you take them to control your health issues still?
Also, have you discussed this with your doctors? The reason I ask is that I, personally, believe that doctors have a responsibility to help their patients stop taking medications responsibly. Many doctors just throw pills at their patients, with no discussion of what will happen if and when it is time to stop taking them.
(hug) I am sorry to hear about your situation. But in my opinion, you did what you had to do to take care of your Hep C. I am not sure if this restarts your sobriety time, but I hope you aren't being hard on yourself.
You slipped up but what could you do when you had to take certain drugs that might cause problems? You are a human being, nobody's perfect. None of us are. We all make mistakes.
Tell me something- are you currently still needing these drugs? Do you take them to control your health issues still?
Also, have you discussed this with your doctors? The reason I ask is that I, personally, believe that doctors have a responsibility to help their patients stop taking medications responsibly. Many doctors just throw pills at their patients, with no discussion of what will happen if and when it is time to stop taking them.
(hug) I am sorry to hear about your situation. But in my opinion, you did what you had to do to take care of your Hep C. I am not sure if this restarts your sobriety time, but I hope you aren't being hard on yourself.
You slipped up but what could you do when you had to take certain drugs that might cause problems? You are a human being, nobody's perfect. None of us are. We all make mistakes.
former walking pharmacy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Watertown, CT
Posts: 146
I second LiaAc's advice to speaking with your doctor. It is a sad fact that doctors are taught nearly **** all in terms of addiction (except maybe the fact that 'your addict patients will lie lie and lie some more') while in medical school.
I wish you all the best. You can get through this; your 15 years of sobriety is NOT gone. Look at all you accomplished.
I wish you all the best. You can get through this; your 15 years of sobriety is NOT gone. Look at all you accomplished.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I don't think 15 years of sobriety ever disappears. All you learned and all you accomplished is still there.
We can sometimes forget the fundamentals tho - we can take our eyes off the prize and and trick ourselves into thinking that something else is different, or that we're immune to any problems now.
It doesn't mean you're bad, dumb, stupid weak or anything like that.
It means you're human. We make mistakes. Stuff happens.
I really believe there's nothing so patient or relentless as what I call an inner addict.
I really think with an opiate and benzo problem you'll do better with medical input and support....but you'll find a lot of recovery support and encouragement here, in any case
D
We can sometimes forget the fundamentals tho - we can take our eyes off the prize and and trick ourselves into thinking that something else is different, or that we're immune to any problems now.
It doesn't mean you're bad, dumb, stupid weak or anything like that.
It means you're human. We make mistakes. Stuff happens.
I really believe there's nothing so patient or relentless as what I call an inner addict.
I really think with an opiate and benzo problem you'll do better with medical input and support....but you'll find a lot of recovery support and encouragement here, in any case
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: brunswick
Posts: 6
Thanks you guys...Dee . LiaAc, the others, you said some good things. I do have all that in my memory from raising my family without drugs --Disneyland, beaches, cruises, vacations, pets, Christmastimes, so, so so many things. My oldest is going to be 18 years old next month and my youngest is 13.
They never new the dad I have/am now. Its so hard to try and act normal when I am in such pain. Last year my wife and I called detox center and we told them daddy had to go rest cause In work like a zillion hours a week. I stayed sober long enough to fill my prescription. And the past year I have been shunned by my parents. So, this Holiday I took the week off and began to detox again at home. Most of the pain is gone now...the panic attacks are intense --- that's what started the addiction 41 years ago when I was 11. 17 years on every drug imaginable, jails, fights, homeless--we all know the stories,m but then at 27 a spiritual awakening and God took all my desires away --stopped completely by the time I was 30, met my wife, and that was twenty years ago.
And here I am --addicted to drugs.....again....
About the doctors - When I went under Hep C they knew I was a previous addict and that's how I got the Hep(dirty needles), they wouldn't prescribe me anything for the side affects of the chemo --I resorted to street drugs to make the pain go away. The treatment then was nasty, lost my job, lost my house, lost are life savings....lost my faith, wanted my family to leave me, and been an addict now for 5 years. Off an on, I addicted my self to work, I used the drugs to graduate college, I used them to get my position and office, I used them to get my credit back up, I used them to buy another house ---and now they have wrung me out....I will surely die if I don't STOP NOW
I want the old days back when the kids where little and daddy was sober, we had so many good time....sigh
They never new the dad I have/am now. Its so hard to try and act normal when I am in such pain. Last year my wife and I called detox center and we told them daddy had to go rest cause In work like a zillion hours a week. I stayed sober long enough to fill my prescription. And the past year I have been shunned by my parents. So, this Holiday I took the week off and began to detox again at home. Most of the pain is gone now...the panic attacks are intense --- that's what started the addiction 41 years ago when I was 11. 17 years on every drug imaginable, jails, fights, homeless--we all know the stories,m but then at 27 a spiritual awakening and God took all my desires away --stopped completely by the time I was 30, met my wife, and that was twenty years ago.
And here I am --addicted to drugs.....again....
About the doctors - When I went under Hep C they knew I was a previous addict and that's how I got the Hep(dirty needles), they wouldn't prescribe me anything for the side affects of the chemo --I resorted to street drugs to make the pain go away. The treatment then was nasty, lost my job, lost my house, lost are life savings....lost my faith, wanted my family to leave me, and been an addict now for 5 years. Off an on, I addicted my self to work, I used the drugs to graduate college, I used them to get my position and office, I used them to get my credit back up, I used them to buy another house ---and now they have wrung me out....I will surely die if I don't STOP NOW
I want the old days back when the kids where little and daddy was sober, we had so many good time....sigh
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 29
I did the interferon/ribavarin treatment for HepC, so I feel you there. That, my friend, is no picnic! That's awful they didn't give you meds for side effects.
But you haven't lost those years of sobriety. And you can do it again!
But you haven't lost those years of sobriety. And you can do it again!
Journey to Freedom
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 323
Well, you can get those days back Snginga. You're here. That's a first step. That takes courage, my friend.
Thank you for sharing your story and please stick around. We want to hear about your progress, as well as your obstacles.
Thank you for sharing your story and please stick around. We want to hear about your progress, as well as your obstacles.
to SR! You'll find lots of support here. I wish you the best in getting things straight again. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Central Massachusetts
Posts: 2,051
Had 19 years here, still proud of all I accomplished in that time. Now I'm even more proud of my almost 2 years second time around. Hang in there. A lot of us have relapsed in the past.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: brunswick
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by jesternudder 
I did the interferon/ribavarin treatment for HepC, so I feel you there. That, my friend, is no picnic! That's awful they didn't give you meds for side effects.
But you haven't lost those years of sobriety. And you can do it again!
But you haven't lost those years of sobriety. And you can do it again!
I finished the treatment alone...no doctor. Then forced another doctor to take viral load counts at month 3 ---I was clear!!!! I go back every year and I am clear!
Now I fight opiates and benzos....I never got off the treatment so-to-speak.
thanks
Journey to Freedom
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 323
Ugh, I really hate it when I encounter a doctor with that kind of bad attitude. You didn't deserve that. But I'm glad to hear that you're healthy in that department.
I've relasped so many times I've lost count, but each time I do, I learn a little more. Over the past few days I've experience several occasions where I felt weak or angry or just tired of trying. I come here and I feel better. I feel stronger.
You will too!
I've relasped so many times I've lost count, but each time I do, I learn a little more. Over the past few days I've experience several occasions where I felt weak or angry or just tired of trying. I come here and I feel better. I feel stronger.
You will too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: brunswick
Posts: 6
Thanks!
Originally Posted by Johnston
Had 19 years here, still proud of all I accomplished in that time. Now I'm even more proud of my almost 2 years second time around. Hang in there. A lot of us have relapsed in the past.
Thanks!!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Originally Posted by Snginga
I want the old days back when the kids where little and daddy was sober, we had so many good time....sigh
While you can't go back to those days, you certainly can be that daddy again. You will always have those 15 years, and can learn and grow from where you are now. Making you an even BETTER dad to your kids
Its not our stumbles that define who we are.... but the GRACE that we get back up with. Glad you found us! Welcome to the crew!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: brunswick
Posts: 6
Thank you so much
Since my marriage and my daughters were born --I was born again --it was like I was a kid again. A 32 years old kid --they say you begin to mature where you stopped growing when you began using --I began at 11, and stopped at 30. So I was alike a kid.
Life was so new!! Oh man I remember whistling behind the wheel just waiting at red lights , or in line somewhere. I was high on life and full of joy and boundless energy. We moved thousand miles away and started are own family.
1998 -- 2006 Those were the good years. 2007,8 is when I began the slip, and now I have been full blown addicted to opiates and benzos for three years.
I just turned 50, and I am as much the addict today as I was when I was 20. BUT, I do have the memories of a sober life. A life where you didn't need all the time, and drugs was the farthest thing from my mind. I could go down any crack street and forget I was even in the wrong neighborhood cause I took the wrong turn, and never once . not even a tiny bit, was pang of want. I had absolutely, hands down, zero desire to EVER want to pick up or use ever, it simply wasn't in me . The vice was gone.
Then in 2005 I had to go on interferon treatment, self dosed injections (I was a needle addict) and riberveran and some other meds that made you feel like death twice warmed over.
I lost my mind. All my joy was gone, I lost everything material as well, house, job, life savings, faith in God --I was so mad at God.
Now I can live again, I can see the mistakes made and where the grace was handed to me, I can look back and count God's blessings through those dark years.
And now the addiction has me in its grip. No excuses, simple as that, my brain has been rewired so many times who knows what they'll think when they do the autopsy.....but now its wired for opiates and benzo's. Without them I can't function --I need the drugs just to be "normal", I went back to college and graduated, I hold a high level position in a state college. I have more responsibilities over others lives and influence that is a huge, huge weight. The Valiums keep the panic away, I can't sleep, I don't have the energy to get out of bed without a pill to make it through the week -- I work sometimes 70 hours a week, then have a house and teenagers to raise. My poor wife, God she is a saint.
If I quit my career, I think I would have a fighting chance at kicking the dragon, I just don't know how I will slay this dragon and not lose my career, home, and irreparable damage to my family. But I'm 50 years old, I have 5 more years to go for full Teachers retirement benefits. My pension, and I can't see myself doing my old job again --this is my second career. I worked as a mechanic for 27 years before I went back to school and got a white collar job.
I have to sober up...I have to. my family, my career, our lives...honestly though, alone I will never do it. I know that. AA and NA won't help because I lost faith. Step one and Two, without a faith, without God...it is impossible.
Sorry for the lengthy replay, you made a bright spot in my day. You identified with those feelings of the :the joy of being sober, and brought back those memories to me --thank you
Life was so new!! Oh man I remember whistling behind the wheel just waiting at red lights , or in line somewhere. I was high on life and full of joy and boundless energy. We moved thousand miles away and started are own family.
1998 -- 2006 Those were the good years. 2007,8 is when I began the slip, and now I have been full blown addicted to opiates and benzos for three years.
I just turned 50, and I am as much the addict today as I was when I was 20. BUT, I do have the memories of a sober life. A life where you didn't need all the time, and drugs was the farthest thing from my mind. I could go down any crack street and forget I was even in the wrong neighborhood cause I took the wrong turn, and never once . not even a tiny bit, was pang of want. I had absolutely, hands down, zero desire to EVER want to pick up or use ever, it simply wasn't in me . The vice was gone.
Then in 2005 I had to go on interferon treatment, self dosed injections (I was a needle addict) and riberveran and some other meds that made you feel like death twice warmed over.
I lost my mind. All my joy was gone, I lost everything material as well, house, job, life savings, faith in God --I was so mad at God.
Now I can live again, I can see the mistakes made and where the grace was handed to me, I can look back and count God's blessings through those dark years.
And now the addiction has me in its grip. No excuses, simple as that, my brain has been rewired so many times who knows what they'll think when they do the autopsy.....but now its wired for opiates and benzo's. Without them I can't function --I need the drugs just to be "normal", I went back to college and graduated, I hold a high level position in a state college. I have more responsibilities over others lives and influence that is a huge, huge weight. The Valiums keep the panic away, I can't sleep, I don't have the energy to get out of bed without a pill to make it through the week -- I work sometimes 70 hours a week, then have a house and teenagers to raise. My poor wife, God she is a saint.
If I quit my career, I think I would have a fighting chance at kicking the dragon, I just don't know how I will slay this dragon and not lose my career, home, and irreparable damage to my family. But I'm 50 years old, I have 5 more years to go for full Teachers retirement benefits. My pension, and I can't see myself doing my old job again --this is my second career. I worked as a mechanic for 27 years before I went back to school and got a white collar job.
I have to sober up...I have to. my family, my career, our lives...honestly though, alone I will never do it. I know that. AA and NA won't help because I lost faith. Step one and Two, without a faith, without God...it is impossible.
Sorry for the lengthy replay, you made a bright spot in my day. You identified with those feelings of the :the joy of being sober, and brought back those memories to me --thank you
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
You haven't lost your faith... You've just lost your way. You've made a huge step in posting here and being honest with yourself. Is a temporary medical leave possible? This really will require a full medically supervised detox program, in my opinion.
Don't set up your obstacles before looking at your options! I'm really sorry for your circumstance, I really feel for you!
Don't set up your obstacles before looking at your options! I'm really sorry for your circumstance, I really feel for you!
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