Totally worn out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1
Totally worn out
Hi everyone,
My first post here and I am very glad to find your group. I have been having a very hard time with my stepson drug and alcohol addiction. I've been married over 15 years. My stepson has been using pot and alcohol for the last 10 years off and on. He is 25 years old. He has been through rehab since high school, jail time, kicked out of college, couldn't hold down a job, and now he is 1 week sober. Through all those years I went through an emotional roller coaster, fought with my husband, supported my husband, and now I really don't know what's the right thing to do. My marriage is not in trouble, not at all. My stepson is not evil. He is nice and respectful of me. But I am so worn out by his years of drug and alcohol abuse, the financial cost of several rehabs, addiction therapists. His pattern is always the same: whenever there's problem or he feels depressed, he turns to pot or drinking, spent however much money he has, couldn't pay rent, etc. And we ended up footing all his bills. After he's sober, he would show up at our house because he "wants our support" and then the same cycle starts all over again. Each time he shows up, he acts as if everything is normal...that the weeks he spent high and drunk didn't happen, the lie didn't happen. He has never been sober for longer than 6 months. I've talked with him as to why he did this to himself and us. He said that it's already hard enough for him most of the time to not feel like hurting himself. And that his family should have unending love and unconditional love for him. I cried about it as I feel like if he's an obnoxious person, I can feel justified about cutting him off. This last time I am really worn out. And so is my husband. I really don't want to see him anymore and I feel horrible about it. My husband and I have a 5 year old who I am very afraid that the same thing can happen to him. I have asked my husband to not let my stepson back in our house anymore. He can go see him if he wants. But I don't want my stepson around me and my child any longer. I am not afraid that he will hurt us physically. He is not a violence person at all. I am feeling more and more uncomfortable with him when he visited. There was never an apology of the pain he put us through every time he relapses. It has always been "I'm depressed and you all have to be there for me." and the usual, money, rehab, etc. I am tired of walking down that road. I feel like I am an evil person myself for asking a father to not let his son be in the house or even come visit. He wants to come see us again this Christmas after his latest episode with alcohol abuse, us paying for his groceries and rent. I feel like screaming. I feel guilty and very angry..But really, what can I do...what should I do?
My first post here and I am very glad to find your group. I have been having a very hard time with my stepson drug and alcohol addiction. I've been married over 15 years. My stepson has been using pot and alcohol for the last 10 years off and on. He is 25 years old. He has been through rehab since high school, jail time, kicked out of college, couldn't hold down a job, and now he is 1 week sober. Through all those years I went through an emotional roller coaster, fought with my husband, supported my husband, and now I really don't know what's the right thing to do. My marriage is not in trouble, not at all. My stepson is not evil. He is nice and respectful of me. But I am so worn out by his years of drug and alcohol abuse, the financial cost of several rehabs, addiction therapists. His pattern is always the same: whenever there's problem or he feels depressed, he turns to pot or drinking, spent however much money he has, couldn't pay rent, etc. And we ended up footing all his bills. After he's sober, he would show up at our house because he "wants our support" and then the same cycle starts all over again. Each time he shows up, he acts as if everything is normal...that the weeks he spent high and drunk didn't happen, the lie didn't happen. He has never been sober for longer than 6 months. I've talked with him as to why he did this to himself and us. He said that it's already hard enough for him most of the time to not feel like hurting himself. And that his family should have unending love and unconditional love for him. I cried about it as I feel like if he's an obnoxious person, I can feel justified about cutting him off. This last time I am really worn out. And so is my husband. I really don't want to see him anymore and I feel horrible about it. My husband and I have a 5 year old who I am very afraid that the same thing can happen to him. I have asked my husband to not let my stepson back in our house anymore. He can go see him if he wants. But I don't want my stepson around me and my child any longer. I am not afraid that he will hurt us physically. He is not a violence person at all. I am feeling more and more uncomfortable with him when he visited. There was never an apology of the pain he put us through every time he relapses. It has always been "I'm depressed and you all have to be there for me." and the usual, money, rehab, etc. I am tired of walking down that road. I feel like I am an evil person myself for asking a father to not let his son be in the house or even come visit. He wants to come see us again this Christmas after his latest episode with alcohol abuse, us paying for his groceries and rent. I feel like screaming. I feel guilty and very angry..But really, what can I do...what should I do?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, cv1978, glad you found SR. There are many of us here, and we're all glad to share our experience, strength and hope w/you and w/each other. It's a great community, and you can learn a lot and get support for yourself.
I'd like to suggest that you read as much here as you can, so as to educate yourself about what you're up against. Don't miss the stickied items at the top of the page. This thread is from one of those stickies, and you might find it helpful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'd also like to suggest some Alanon meetings for a source of education and support in the real world. Here's a link to help you find meetings: http://www.al-anon.org/ There are many threads here at SR about Alanon and the ways it can help; just search the forum for more info.
Again, welcome. As you learn more, you'll start to see your way clear.
I'd like to suggest that you read as much here as you can, so as to educate yourself about what you're up against. Don't miss the stickied items at the top of the page. This thread is from one of those stickies, and you might find it helpful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'd also like to suggest some Alanon meetings for a source of education and support in the real world. Here's a link to help you find meetings: http://www.al-anon.org/ There are many threads here at SR about Alanon and the ways it can help; just search the forum for more info.
Again, welcome. As you learn more, you'll start to see your way clear.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Well, unless you can get his father to dole out some tough love and pass the consequences with those taters... NOTHING.
Paying rent, buying food, and cleaning up an alcoholic mess is enabling that manchild to continue on with his hand out with wet eyes, crying... YOU SHOULD LOVE MEEEEEEE! Now give me.
Paying rent, buying food, and cleaning up an alcoholic mess is enabling that manchild to continue on with his hand out with wet eyes, crying... YOU SHOULD LOVE MEEEEEEE! Now give me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear cv1978--As someone who has lived what you are going through--I do agree with what BoxinRotz just posted. What would be regarded as support in some situations is actually enabling when dealing with an addict. I used to do it withe the very best of intentions!!! I wish I had learned much sooner than I did.
It is good that you have a solid marriage....I would suggest this: Ask your husband to attend alanon with you. And/or....both of you discuss this situation with a trained alcoholism counselor. And/or---go to some open AA meetings---and find a "longtimer"--someone who has been working their program for 10-15-20yrs. or more--and ask their advice on this. I trust what the oldtimers say.
This is tough on the parents and family. Get help NOW--don't put it off--you will just be prolonging your misery and blocking him from his own consequences. I wish I had done what I am advising you. (I didn't know about alanon or SR at that time).
Keep coming here and learning---knowledge is power.
dandylion
It is good that you have a solid marriage....I would suggest this: Ask your husband to attend alanon with you. And/or....both of you discuss this situation with a trained alcoholism counselor. And/or---go to some open AA meetings---and find a "longtimer"--someone who has been working their program for 10-15-20yrs. or more--and ask their advice on this. I trust what the oldtimers say.
This is tough on the parents and family. Get help NOW--don't put it off--you will just be prolonging your misery and blocking him from his own consequences. I wish I had done what I am advising you. (I didn't know about alanon or SR at that time).
Keep coming here and learning---knowledge is power.
dandylion
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