Post thanksgiving thoughts
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Post thanksgiving thoughts
I think my thanksgiving turned out better than I expected.
I took my three year old son to my hometown and we stayed with my sister, her husband, and kids at her house. It was crowded and cramped but I felt so much love and warmth.
On Thanksgiving morning, my XABF was also in town (this is his hometown too) and he requested to see our son for breakfast. This is extra time outside of the custody schedule, but I obliged. He showed up, but brought a random friend with him instead of his wife. During breakfast, my XABF asked if my son and Me could visit Mexico with him and that he would pay travel expenses and that we could stay at his family's house Coincidentally, both of our families are from the same part of Mexico as well, so I would also be able to visit my side of the family as well. BUT this has "red flag" written all over it!!! Right, SR? My ex also mentioned he had a dream about me, that he dreamed that I got in a relationship with one of his best friends and that he woke up "pissed off." I didn't comment. He just doesn't make any sense. I have learned to not engage with his quaking at all. At the end if the day, he is still an active alcoholic. And, In true active A fashion, he said he would visit his siblings but failed to do so because he went to hang out with his drinking buddies after breakfast.
After that, I went to my parents house. However, my alcoholic father disappeared about three days ago and hasn't contacted my mom or any of my siblings. My mother is in the process of obtaining a restraining order against him and she is getting help from a women's shelter. I think my dad got wind of this and decided to stay away. And truthfully, I am glad he wasn't there. There weren't any arguments and he wasn't sitting there getting drunk like he always has in the past. I am proud of my mom! My mom is being very strong and I am glad she is taking the steps to protect herself.
Next, I went to my Ex's family house. My Ex's sister's husband also has some substance abuse problems (alcohol and weed) but he is in recovery. Unlike other years when he would stay in his room away from everyone during the holidays, he sat with everyone at the table and then talked and laughed with everyone in the living room while we watched a movie. He was PRESENT and I was truly stunned at the difference in his behavior and I even noticed the improved family dynamics among them as well. There is always hope, if, and only if, they choose to seek help and get better.
I overheard my Ex's mom talking about all the problems my ex and his wife are having, that he often leaves her on the weekends, that they get into huge fights constantly, that he says he is starting to see his wife "for who she really is" and that he doesn't like it. His mom and sister both mentioned they would also like to visit Mexico at the same time my ex is going, but they do not want his wife there. I didn't engage. I keep telling myself, everything is as it should be right now, that there is a plan for me, that I will rise above all this garbage. At the end of the night, my Ex's mom told me that she loves and cares about me and my son very much, and to keep on keeping on. It was nice to hear, but I'm not putting too much stock in it. I am cultivating my own network of support from family and friends that I have chosen.
My son's dad has overnight visitation this weekend and he told me that, "we (his wife and him) bought our son a Christmas tree, we are going to decorate it together, we bought him pajamas, we bought him this and that, we are taking him to a Christmas theme park, blah blah blah." A part of me still hurts, because my ex never married me, we never lived together, and we never did any of those things as a family with our son because he was off drinking and partying. As an ACOA, all I ever wanted was a family and there is a part of me that hurts, that he didn't want me, but he wanted a family with this woman that he cheated on me with and now they get to have the family I always wanted.
But the reality is that my ex is a cheating, emotionally and physically abusive, active alcoholic who was not there for our son, from his birth, until very recently when he starting taking advantage of his court ordered visitation. His true colors will show soon enough, either with a DUI or a domestic violence arrest or something. In the meantime, all I can do I is keep working on me and walking my own path.
I took my three year old son to my hometown and we stayed with my sister, her husband, and kids at her house. It was crowded and cramped but I felt so much love and warmth.
On Thanksgiving morning, my XABF was also in town (this is his hometown too) and he requested to see our son for breakfast. This is extra time outside of the custody schedule, but I obliged. He showed up, but brought a random friend with him instead of his wife. During breakfast, my XABF asked if my son and Me could visit Mexico with him and that he would pay travel expenses and that we could stay at his family's house Coincidentally, both of our families are from the same part of Mexico as well, so I would also be able to visit my side of the family as well. BUT this has "red flag" written all over it!!! Right, SR? My ex also mentioned he had a dream about me, that he dreamed that I got in a relationship with one of his best friends and that he woke up "pissed off." I didn't comment. He just doesn't make any sense. I have learned to not engage with his quaking at all. At the end if the day, he is still an active alcoholic. And, In true active A fashion, he said he would visit his siblings but failed to do so because he went to hang out with his drinking buddies after breakfast.
After that, I went to my parents house. However, my alcoholic father disappeared about three days ago and hasn't contacted my mom or any of my siblings. My mother is in the process of obtaining a restraining order against him and she is getting help from a women's shelter. I think my dad got wind of this and decided to stay away. And truthfully, I am glad he wasn't there. There weren't any arguments and he wasn't sitting there getting drunk like he always has in the past. I am proud of my mom! My mom is being very strong and I am glad she is taking the steps to protect herself.
Next, I went to my Ex's family house. My Ex's sister's husband also has some substance abuse problems (alcohol and weed) but he is in recovery. Unlike other years when he would stay in his room away from everyone during the holidays, he sat with everyone at the table and then talked and laughed with everyone in the living room while we watched a movie. He was PRESENT and I was truly stunned at the difference in his behavior and I even noticed the improved family dynamics among them as well. There is always hope, if, and only if, they choose to seek help and get better.
I overheard my Ex's mom talking about all the problems my ex and his wife are having, that he often leaves her on the weekends, that they get into huge fights constantly, that he says he is starting to see his wife "for who she really is" and that he doesn't like it. His mom and sister both mentioned they would also like to visit Mexico at the same time my ex is going, but they do not want his wife there. I didn't engage. I keep telling myself, everything is as it should be right now, that there is a plan for me, that I will rise above all this garbage. At the end of the night, my Ex's mom told me that she loves and cares about me and my son very much, and to keep on keeping on. It was nice to hear, but I'm not putting too much stock in it. I am cultivating my own network of support from family and friends that I have chosen.
My son's dad has overnight visitation this weekend and he told me that, "we (his wife and him) bought our son a Christmas tree, we are going to decorate it together, we bought him pajamas, we bought him this and that, we are taking him to a Christmas theme park, blah blah blah." A part of me still hurts, because my ex never married me, we never lived together, and we never did any of those things as a family with our son because he was off drinking and partying. As an ACOA, all I ever wanted was a family and there is a part of me that hurts, that he didn't want me, but he wanted a family with this woman that he cheated on me with and now they get to have the family I always wanted.
But the reality is that my ex is a cheating, emotionally and physically abusive, active alcoholic who was not there for our son, from his birth, until very recently when he starting taking advantage of his court ordered visitation. His true colors will show soon enough, either with a DUI or a domestic violence arrest or something. In the meantime, all I can do I is keep working on me and walking my own path.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Originally Posted by butterfly2013 
But the reality is that my ex is a cheating, emotionally and physically abusive, active alcoholic who was not there for our son, from his birth, until very recently when he starting taking advantage of his court ordered visitation. His true colors will show soon enough, either with a DUI or a domestic violence arrest or something. In the meantime, all I can do I is keep working on me and walking my own path.
I hope that he's not tugging at your heartstrings, making you wonder if things could be different, because, yes...
...he is waving ginormous, industrial strength, fields of crimson red flags...
Do not go to Mexico, do not pass 'Go', do not collect $200. The man is married and trying to charm you. He's testing the waters to see if you're still swimming in his pond. What a schmoozer, liar, and cheater.
Congratulations on your cozy, cramped, warm, and loving holiday with your family. That's a true vacation.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Thank you kindly, everyone! 
I struggle with my ACOA issues and codependent recovery and the custody situation with my XABF every day, but my mindset is much healthier than before I hit my codependent "rock bottom."
Yes, the Mexico trip has "bad news" written all over it. I have been itching to go for years, but this proposed trip with my ex and his family is not the ideal situation to visit by any means.
My heart still hurts for the family that "could have been," although I know that a healthy family is impossible with someone like my XABF. The pain is slowly wearing off and I trust that one day my heart will fully catch up to my mind. In the meantime, I am enjoying and living my life.
I struggle with my ACOA issues and codependent recovery and the custody situation with my XABF every day, but my mindset is much healthier than before I hit my codependent "rock bottom."Yes, the Mexico trip has "bad news" written all over it. I have been itching to go for years, but this proposed trip with my ex and his family is not the ideal situation to visit by any means.
My heart still hurts for the family that "could have been," although I know that a healthy family is impossible with someone like my XABF. The pain is slowly wearing off and I trust that one day my heart will fully catch up to my mind. In the meantime, I am enjoying and living my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Also, for me, not engaging in quaking/bs and staying out of other people's business/choices (even when I strongly disagree with them) is not only the best for my own mental health, but also, strangely, things are working out for the best. For example, I'm so proud that my mom has found the strength to handle things with my dad. Our health and self-care takes work every single day, and while there are set-backs, things really do get better.
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