He seems...a little different...
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
He seems...a little different...
So..this weekend was the first weekend RA and I have been in the house together. I wasn't looking forward to it at all. I felt like he was imposing on me (even though I complain I've been of carrying the whole load) - I was really on edge thinking about him and I being in the same space for 48 hours straight. VERY on edge. It's much easier to stonewall than to face him.
Long story short. He stepped it up. He didn't come in with a cape on and act ridiculously wonderful or go overboard, but his actions were speaking...softly..We were out and about (by his asking, he was never like that) - and several times I expected him to over react to some things and he didn't. We were at a pizza place, I was holding camp with the toddler, he was at the counter with the big one, and I had to say "what?" twice and I thought for sure by the third time he would have a fit. He didn't at all.
He made some offerings (he'd get up with the kids Saturday morning, asked if I wanted to go to my Saturday meeting). He showed initiative.
I feel like it might possibly be ok for us and that is the LAST thing I want to think. Does that make sense?
Long story short. He stepped it up. He didn't come in with a cape on and act ridiculously wonderful or go overboard, but his actions were speaking...softly..We were out and about (by his asking, he was never like that) - and several times I expected him to over react to some things and he didn't. We were at a pizza place, I was holding camp with the toddler, he was at the counter with the big one, and I had to say "what?" twice and I thought for sure by the third time he would have a fit. He didn't at all.
He made some offerings (he'd get up with the kids Saturday morning, asked if I wanted to go to my Saturday meeting). He showed initiative.
I feel like it might possibly be ok for us and that is the LAST thing I want to think. Does that make sense?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Yes...it definitely does. My AH is doing some different things too. Helping out more. Acting a little different. My fear...too little too late. It is called being on guard. I told him over the weekend that remove me from the equation completely, for him to have a happy fulfilling life w/our children he will have to change. Or don't...up to him. I said in another post...I believe he is quacking and full of BS. But at this point I will take that. I would rather him be kind and helpful any day (even if he is having to force himself to be) than a butt all the time. Long term actions always tell the truth. There is no rule that says I have to live w/my AH while he is proving his actions to me, himself, or anyone else. Time will tell.
For now, during the holidays...I will just take what I can get. As my sister told me the other night, it will not be the holidays forever.
Take care Meg and keep working on YOU...you're doing great!
For now, during the holidays...I will just take what I can get. As my sister told me the other night, it will not be the holidays forever.
Take care Meg and keep working on YOU...you're doing great!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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meggem, do you feel that you are obligated to stay with him, or do you want to stay with him? Are you able to answer this question honestly---to yourself. This is a question for yourself.
You don't have to answer it here---or, even be able to answer it right now.
dandylion
You don't have to answer it here---or, even be able to answer it right now.
dandylion
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Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by meggem 
I feel like it might possibly be ok for us and that is the LAST thing I want to think. Does that make sense?
Yes, definitely I'm noticing RAH behavior is more humble, his communication better, etc since his stupidity caught up with him. That's great, but it doesn't MEAN anything to me at this point.
I noticed, like you, little things - not overreacting when I would've expected it, offering to help out when he'd not before, etc. And then it occurred to me that I can consider his behavior changed when my first, reactive thought isn't something like, "Gee, didn't expect him to handle THAT so well"... but more along the lines of, well,..... no thought at all. Does that make sense?
Like when he is walking into the convenience store & asks if I need anything I shouldn't be thinking, "Wow - he actually thought to ask??" When we get to the point where I don't have a reaction to him asking, we'll have made serious progress.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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remember that was ONE day of behaviors.....hardly a body of work from which to base your future upon. not being negative, just realistic. let's see if he is acting in the same manner CONSISTENTLY thru the holidays, after the holiday, and well into next year.....
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Thanks for your replies - Fire I could really relate to you saying when I don't have an initial thought, then I will start to trust - you are right - so many times this weekend I thought "wow" as it related to an offering or a non-reaction.
It would be nice to "make it" through this. I use that phrase because I don't want to have expectations.
It would be nice to "make it" through this. I use that phrase because I don't want to have expectations.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
There is a slim to zero chance you are actually seeing a real, true genuine change in him. ( Not in such a short period of time) So sorry,, but this is not how this disease functions........
But just a hunch, I think the change you are experiencing, is, ALL YOU!!!
You cannot be the doormat, if you are standing upright!!
But just a hunch, I think the change you are experiencing, is, ALL YOU!!!
You cannot be the doormat, if you are standing upright!!
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marie1960 can you elaborate a little on your comment? - are you saying a recovering alcoholic is doomed for life to never have a positive life or be a positive person in there spouses life ever again? in any way shape or form? I'm asking..I mean maybe I will be eating my words and it is true I am greener than green here but it seems as if once an addict always and forever a complete a$$hole. How can that be? There are many recovering people that continue to have fulfilling lives and relationships. Ok I use the word fulfilling with caution. I can be guarded and I can be aware, but can I not have cautious hope? How very very sad for the addict if that is true. I feel a little defensive, but I also am eager to listen to other points of view.
Could it not be that the 30 days of rehab and the work he put it thus far in outpatient therapy has had a teensy weensy affect on his behavior? Not even just a little? I mean clearly he learned something because he displayed several behaviors that were different. That doesn't mean that tomorrow will be the same, or next week will be the same, but...come on.. I don't applaud him and I haven't fallen back in love or la la land. But I have observed.. Perhaps it is will power, perhaps it is the honeymoon phase of sobriety but... I don't know...
Could it not be that the 30 days of rehab and the work he put it thus far in outpatient therapy has had a teensy weensy affect on his behavior? Not even just a little? I mean clearly he learned something because he displayed several behaviors that were different. That doesn't mean that tomorrow will be the same, or next week will be the same, but...come on.. I don't applaud him and I haven't fallen back in love or la la land. But I have observed.. Perhaps it is will power, perhaps it is the honeymoon phase of sobriety but... I don't know...
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
[nag]
WORK.
ON.
YOU.
You will likely find yourself thinking about and considering his stuff much less. Good or Bad.
Either he will come along or not, but you will be in a far better place either way.
[/nag]
WORK.
ON.
YOU.
You will likely find yourself thinking about and considering his stuff much less. Good or Bad.
Either he will come along or not, but you will be in a far better place either way.
[/nag]
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
AA Big Book -- Free online.
Big Book Online Fourth Edition
Especially Chapter 9, The Family Afterward.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
Towards our side of the street . . . .
How Al-Anon Works.
Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
Big Book Online Fourth Edition
Especially Chapter 9, The Family Afterward.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
Towards our side of the street . . . .
How Al-Anon Works.
Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"marie1960 can you elaborate a little on your comment? - are you saying a recovering alcoholic is doomed for life to never have a positive life or be a positive person in there spouses life ever again? in any way shape or form? " (meggam)
No maggam , i did not say this, ^^^ nor was I implying this.
I do believe it is very early in his recovery, and possibly to soon to be forming any conclusion.
I have no real experience with any long term recovery.
While the XA in my life looked me straight in the eye and told me he would NEVER give up drinking. His half attempts to limit/curb his drinking ended in disaster EVERY time.
I remember his mood swings, so unbearable grumpy, uncommunicative , unable to complete a task, very judgemental, yet disengaged with the real world. Short fused, and often just unpleasant and nasty to be around. If he wasn't sleeping, he was on edge, pacing like a cage animal, he was just so miserable in his own skin.
What I tried to express in my post was that perhaps YOU are taking control of YOU and your life.
It's my understanding that recovery is a very long process, there is no magical overnight cure.
I sincerely wish your husband well, I hope he can recover.
I wish you peace, as you continue on your path of your recovery also.
No maggam , i did not say this, ^^^ nor was I implying this.
I do believe it is very early in his recovery, and possibly to soon to be forming any conclusion.
I have no real experience with any long term recovery.
While the XA in my life looked me straight in the eye and told me he would NEVER give up drinking. His half attempts to limit/curb his drinking ended in disaster EVERY time.
I remember his mood swings, so unbearable grumpy, uncommunicative , unable to complete a task, very judgemental, yet disengaged with the real world. Short fused, and often just unpleasant and nasty to be around. If he wasn't sleeping, he was on edge, pacing like a cage animal, he was just so miserable in his own skin.
What I tried to express in my post was that perhaps YOU are taking control of YOU and your life.
It's my understanding that recovery is a very long process, there is no magical overnight cure.
I sincerely wish your husband well, I hope he can recover.
I wish you peace, as you continue on your path of your recovery also.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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meggam, I hope you understand, too, that this is a lifetime disease.
We have cucumbers and we have pickles. We are all cucumbers and some will turn into pickles. Once your pickled, you're pickled. You can't make a pickle into a cucumber again.
He can recover and live a normal life. BUT, he can also go back to his drink and start the pickling process all over again. We never know what can happen. My husband was 20 years sober and then... he did the unthinkable. Once we were married and I found out his deep dark secret, I had to wonder if his 20 years were really 20 years and unbelievably, they were 20 years of sobriety. He left it all go to celebrate a new house, a car, a bike, a job. In the end, he almost lost it all to that celebratory drink. It's very sad.
We have cucumbers and we have pickles. We are all cucumbers and some will turn into pickles. Once your pickled, you're pickled. You can't make a pickle into a cucumber again.
He can recover and live a normal life. BUT, he can also go back to his drink and start the pickling process all over again. We never know what can happen. My husband was 20 years sober and then... he did the unthinkable. Once we were married and I found out his deep dark secret, I had to wonder if his 20 years were really 20 years and unbelievably, they were 20 years of sobriety. He left it all go to celebrate a new house, a car, a bike, a job. In the end, he almost lost it all to that celebratory drink. It's very sad.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Mm. Just a ray of hope here....my RAXH DID change...really and truly did change. The problem for me was that it came much too late and there was too much water under the bridge, which I covered in another (painful )post.
I do not know what his new wife has experienced, BUT I REMEMBER WHAT I SAW IN THE EARLY years of his recover. on way more than one occasion I tried, I really tried to see if I could fall in love with him again, and I could not.
He has been sober close to 20 years now with not one relapse. Your AH could be starting to change, but you need to do the same. Focus on you even if you really want HIM...because he could easily relapse, especially this early. Best thoughts to you and yours.
I do not know what his new wife has experienced, BUT I REMEMBER WHAT I SAW IN THE EARLY years of his recover. on way more than one occasion I tried, I really tried to see if I could fall in love with him again, and I could not.
He has been sober close to 20 years now with not one relapse. Your AH could be starting to change, but you need to do the same. Focus on you even if you really want HIM...because he could easily relapse, especially this early. Best thoughts to you and yours.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I agree with marie1960's posts and reticence.
Many an alcoholic has put on a humble face, become more helpful, and generous during a dry spell, and then the minute he decides to take that DRINK, which he has been obsessing about for weeks or months, he is worse than he ever was, meaner, darker, more dangerous. Especially to the spouse witnessing his fall from grace.
This is why I think spouses should remain separated and largely uninvolved with alcoholics trying to get sober, for at least a full year. Because the relapse....which is statistically very likely to occur....is so terribly ugly.
I caution you to not get your hopes up about this, and to be prepared to move out when he takes the next drink.
He may be one of the small minority who do not go back to the drink. But you cannot even begin to trust him yet. Not yet. Wait.
Many an alcoholic has put on a humble face, become more helpful, and generous during a dry spell, and then the minute he decides to take that DRINK, which he has been obsessing about for weeks or months, he is worse than he ever was, meaner, darker, more dangerous. Especially to the spouse witnessing his fall from grace.
This is why I think spouses should remain separated and largely uninvolved with alcoholics trying to get sober, for at least a full year. Because the relapse....which is statistically very likely to occur....is so terribly ugly.
I caution you to not get your hopes up about this, and to be prepared to move out when he takes the next drink.
He may be one of the small minority who do not go back to the drink. But you cannot even begin to trust him yet. Not yet. Wait.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
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A saying I really like is hope clouds observation.
Here you are feeling like it might be Ok simply because he acted the way you would expect a reasonable person to act, for one weekend. You might want to set that bar a bit higher before you start thinking about hope.
Your friend,
Here you are feeling like it might be Ok simply because he acted the way you would expect a reasonable person to act, for one weekend. You might want to set that bar a bit higher before you start thinking about hope.
Your friend,
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