spiralingup

Ugh. Here I am again. (This is a very nice place though. : ) I am grateful it is here.)

So my as, who I thought was doing good, is not doing good. : (

I was checking the laundry basket and well, found some para (can't spell it...). I called him up and just lost it.

I feel bad about that and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did.

He had been going to meetings and I thought he was doing good.

I just needed to vent a little. (My writing here.)

I know I should have kept myself more in "control", but it just "spewed" forth and it makes me sad. (The rant I did on the phone.)

I will go back to my meetings tomorrow. I am sorry if this is a stupid post. I just can't believe I didn't control myself. It has sent my pain level through the roof.

So sad.

su : (

Leana

So sorry and yes I agree, so sad

What did he say? Did he admit relapse?

And as for your rant, you were disappointed and upset and let him have it, it happens.

lizwig

I'm sorry spiraling up....nothing like getting kicked in the gut. So hard when we think we are seeing positive change only to learn we are still being deceived. I think we can all relate to that. Does your son have a sponsor? If so..You could encourage him to reach out to him...he's better equipped to advise than we are. It's okay to tell your son you didn't react the way you hoped you would and that you hope he will reach out for help. Progress not perfection right? For both of you. Big hug to you.

AnvilheadII

sometimes the best thing we can do when we've "lost it" is to wait until we are calm and then review the incident and ask, what things can I do different?? it's never a mistake if we learn from it. the mistake is NOT learning and doing the same thing over and over again.

anotherfool

Sorry you did that spiraling up. But sometimes we're just humans. Prone to silly human mistakes. Be kind to yourself.

Tinks65

no apology necessary .. we've all been there. It's good that you have meetings to go to. One day at a time and ditto to anotherfool "be kind to yourself"

spiralingup

My last post feels like a lifetime ago to me... : \

I want to thank you guys for your words. Thank you. : )

*sigh* So I found out last night that the das has no money left. *poof* All gone. (He has a dogbite settlement.) So this is the third time.

He was crying this morning as he left to go to work. He says he "hates" himself for what he's done. : ( I told him "just get through the day and do what you have to do". He has been going to meetings sporadically. He says he's trying and has been being "good". Yesterday I called him a "liar" again.

I told him he really needs to go away and get help. How do you make them go? He does not want to do "away" for some reason. I guess he's scared?

I know I should not react. I am trying. It really does hurt to see your child this way. I know you guys know that too. Prayers for all.

Have to go get ready for work. I just wanted to write a little. One of my friends on fb told me I could message her and "talk" to her which is very nice.

I hope that all have a lovely day and a wonderful Thanksgiving and Happy Hanukkah as well.

Take care all.

su : )

Txhelp

I do the exact same thing....when things jump out at you. Finding paraphenalia; leaves; vomit; ugh. This is why I can't have my kids live with me. I keep repeating this to myself to remind me not to let them live with me....again!!!!

I know they have shame and feel horrible about themselves. They will bring us all down. Even if they do drug use 3 days a week...it messes with their brain chemistry and fuels there depression even more.

Usually, I can't tell when they first begin to use...it's a few weeks to a month later and the signs are there. Just at the time, where you are hoping that "this time" it will stick.

I am with you. We all are...

hopeful4

Gentle hugs. Give yourself a break, you are a great parent. Hope you are going to those meetings and working on YOU! You cannot control his actions but you can choose how to react.

glitterdeva

I can relate, I am sorry for what you are going through. I lost about 2 weeks this months when I have discovered that AH has been using. I have screamed, accused, went all nuts, had panic attacks, started drinking lots of wine, etc. This forum is such a wonderful place + my meetings and doing the steps. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And that's it. I pray every morning for this serenity, courage and wisdom.

Twofish

Hello Spirlingup, Sounds like to me that your child is not ready to give up his friend, drugs. Addiction can take hold of our kids and refuse to let go . The AV will tell them to do many uncharacteristic actions. The lies, stealing , manipulation, using, denying and it does drive us mammas crazy. These are our children, our babies, we feel guilty and start to obsess, why? Why did addiction pick my family. Your son needs some type of support, inpt or outpt, but he has to be ready to want it, accept it and desire sobriety. I think most of us mammas at first refuses to believe our kids have issues with drugs or alcohol. We are in denial. When he is ready, that's the time to start the journey hand in hand back to the life of recovery. A lifetime of resisting temptation. Don't be so hard on yourself. Keep reading, look at the stickies, have those boundaries ready. Keep us posted, know we care. Gentle hugs and I wish you a peaceful,Thanksgiving! TF

spiralingup

Thank you guys for your words. : ) I appreciate them so much.

You hope so much they won't end up with what went on with the parents. I have been clean from drugs and alcohol for approximately 17 years now. He had the chaos of having a crack addict/alcoholic father until age 11 when we were made homeless because of that. I know that he is damaged from that. I also know that when his father came back here it was not gonna be good. My son certainly should not be hanging around this person, but he does. His dad apparently "nags" him about the issue as well. And I know when the father is drunk that can't be good. My son says he's not gonna hang out with him, but he ends up doing it. He feels bad about it somehow. I just don't understand it...

Anyway. I just needed to type some today. I had another little "talk" at around 4 this morning. The das said he wasn't doing anything... *sigh* I am so afraid that if I really do throw him out that he is going to do something bad to himself. He has said that he just feels like "killing himself" a couple of times. We have had that devastation in our immediate family and it is something that never is forgotten.

I am very appreciative of this wonderful place. I know I am not alone. Thank you all so much again. I have to go to work early today but I will be reading more tomorrow. (I wish I could stay and read today. : ) )

I hope that everyone has a lovely holiday. : )

Take care.

su : )