afraid I might be losing my wife to the bottle
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: böblingen, baden-württemberg
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afraid I might be losing my wife to the bottle
So I am at a loss and don't know what to do. I am in the Army and we recently moved to Germany. Well, my wife isn't handling the move very well to say the least. Have a very rambunctious and moody two year old doesn't help. She has been on antidepressants and sleep aid pills for avout a month now. Which seemed to help her. But she also discovered that she likes German beer. I am starting to come to the realization that she might be becoming dependant on it. She has a history or addictive behavior. Spent several months in rehab before we met 15 years ago, went thru a similar bought with alcohol when we moved to Georgia a while back, but was able to drop it after a few months. Then spent some time lost in online gaming ( yes that CAN become an addiction!) and has smoked weed on a regular basis for about the last three years. Our marriage is typically happy and Healthy, but lately she drinks to nearly passing out at least once or twice a week, and just about everyday has at least three beers, often starting before noon.
I know what's happening and want to do something, but with no family or friends close at hand and a toddler at home with her all day I don't know how best to approach the issue. Sadly I have been enabling by keeping beer on hand to avoid any issues, but something has to change, just don't know what to do...
I know what's happening and want to do something, but with no family or friends close at hand and a toddler at home with her all day I don't know how best to approach the issue. Sadly I have been enabling by keeping beer on hand to avoid any issues, but something has to change, just don't know what to do...
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: London
Posts: 56
I've been reading others posts mostly from our very wise colonial cousins across the pond, this helps to educate me I guess, I have a lot of have decisions to make soon, this education may help me to make the right ones.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Ideally . . . a lot of *us* folks will NOT tell you what and how to do -- but rather help you learn to do for yourself. Just saying ideally. I guess you understand that you have a long-term problem on your hands. That is ok, but just mentioning that so you follow that there is not a quick fix.
I guess you said she had been to rehab some years ago? Do you know if it was any sort of 12 step type program? Asking that because being successful in that in the past leaves it as good option in the here and now? Is there AA locally available for her?
But let's get to you. You need to get your training up in this realm, as well. Is there Alanon available for you?
I guess you said she had been to rehab some years ago? Do you know if it was any sort of 12 step type program? Asking that because being successful in that in the past leaves it as good option in the here and now? Is there AA locally available for her?
But let's get to you. You need to get your training up in this realm, as well. Is there Alanon available for you?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
The spouse of the alcoholic usually needs a lot of support to break out of the patterns in the alcoholic home. Most spouses cannot and do not change their reactions to the alcoholic without either a support group or a counselor to encourage them that they are doing the right things. Because the right things are uncomfortable, scary, often painful, and always get an alcoholic into a tirade of some kind...so the spouse backs off....just the way you keep beer on hand to avoid any issues, which I read as "avoid the wife's anger and resentment."
But it is a firm truth in recovery that unless the status quo in the home changes, the alcoholic will almost certainly continue drinking. The enabling spouse must change. Recovery rarely happens without a change in the spouse first.
So try to find some face to face help there. And get yourself some books on the subject ("Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is a good start). And start doing the opposite of everything you've been doing in reaction to the drinking. Meaning, if she drinks to passing out, leave her there. Don't clean up a single mess she makes. If she's drunk when you come home, with the toddler in the house, consult an attorney about a legal separation. If you continue to look the other way, and hope that an alcoholic will see the light and change her ways, the years will pass, nothing will change, things will get worse, and the child will be raised and damaged by a drunk. And eventually the sh** will rain down anyway.
She will attempt to control you through tears, rages, silent treatment, shifting blame, criticism, withholding sex or affection, and threatening to divorce you and take your child away from you.
Alcoholics, when their drinking is threatened, play dirty.
If she is truly an alcoholic...sounds like she is, given her history...then you are going to need some professional help and some support from people in recovery.
If you try to handle this alone, your home will be a house of pain and secrets and lies. It is no place for a child to grow healthy and happy.
Help is available. But only you can take that step. Alcoholism is a lifetime condition. You will have this issue for life, since she is the mother of your child. So you just have to get some serious help now.
But it is a firm truth in recovery that unless the status quo in the home changes, the alcoholic will almost certainly continue drinking. The enabling spouse must change. Recovery rarely happens without a change in the spouse first.
So try to find some face to face help there. And get yourself some books on the subject ("Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is a good start). And start doing the opposite of everything you've been doing in reaction to the drinking. Meaning, if she drinks to passing out, leave her there. Don't clean up a single mess she makes. If she's drunk when you come home, with the toddler in the house, consult an attorney about a legal separation. If you continue to look the other way, and hope that an alcoholic will see the light and change her ways, the years will pass, nothing will change, things will get worse, and the child will be raised and damaged by a drunk. And eventually the sh** will rain down anyway.
She will attempt to control you through tears, rages, silent treatment, shifting blame, criticism, withholding sex or affection, and threatening to divorce you and take your child away from you.
Alcoholics, when their drinking is threatened, play dirty.
If she is truly an alcoholic...sounds like she is, given her history...then you are going to need some professional help and some support from people in recovery.
If you try to handle this alone, your home will be a house of pain and secrets and lies. It is no place for a child to grow healthy and happy.
Help is available. But only you can take that step. Alcoholism is a lifetime condition. You will have this issue for life, since she is the mother of your child. So you just have to get some serious help now.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
madc, I am so sorry for your situation. I think there has been a lot of wisdom in the posts you've gotten, and I am sure that more people will come to share their experiences.
I think you have two things going for you in terms of your wife's future recovery. First, she had a problem, went to rehab and recovered for 15 years. That's quite a record, and it means that she understands where she's going if she continues to drink; she knows how to change course; and she has been successful at maintaining sobriety for a long long time.
Second, it seems that her relapse, as it was when you moved to Georgia, may be triggered by a physical move to unfamiliar territory and an inability to cope with all that brings.
That can be dealt with. I would imagine that the Army has resources to help spouses cope with the isolation and dramatic change of moving to a foreign country. I would expect that spouses' alcoholism occurs frequently enough that the Army, to keep their soldiers focused on their jobs, has found ways to help the spouses. There may be support groups on the base for alcoholism. And there may be support and social groups for spouses. Now is the time to get help, not to "keep the secret"; your child's welfare is at stake.
We often tell people new to SoberRecovery the 2 C's:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
You can, however, take charge of your life and your child's life and make them better and safer for your child. A two year old is notoriously hard to manage. It is when they first really learn that "NO!!!!!" is a powerful word and that is the beginning of their separate identity as a person.
There is an older series of books on child development by Louise Bates Ames, one of which is Your Two Year Old: Terrible or Tender. Some of the theories and the context are very dated and not helpful. But what I found to be stunning is the description of the stages that a child goes through in their behavior, when to expect them, and what to expect the child to be doing. It takes away the mystery of why the child is behaving "so badly" and explains why that behavior is necessary in child development. And it gives some great techniques for handling what the child does in productive ways. I just reread it and gave it to my son and DIL for their young twins. You can get it on Amazon as book or Kindle for about $10.
It is really important that your child be first on the list of who gets taken care of. The mischief a two year old can think of in an instant requires constant vigilant care, and if your wife is passed out drunk, that is an accident waiting to happen. Getting proper supervision for your child just can't wait.
Here at SoberRecovery, as in Alanon, there is a distinction made between giving an ultimatum and drawing a boundary. An ultimatum would be "you have to stop drinking or I will do "XY or Z". That leaves us in the passive position, waiting for the alcoholic to take action or not, and tracking their behavior and trying to control them into compliance.
A boundary is a positive statement of what you will or will not live with. An example would be "I will live in an alcohol free house, and I will protect my child so that he is cared for by a sober person". This puts the choice of behavior on the spouse's back, and sets the household priorities right again.
Please come back as often as you want, and post as frequently as you like. People here have lived through every imaginable crisis with their alcoholics, and have a great deal of compassion and support to share.
ShootingStar1
I think you have two things going for you in terms of your wife's future recovery. First, she had a problem, went to rehab and recovered for 15 years. That's quite a record, and it means that she understands where she's going if she continues to drink; she knows how to change course; and she has been successful at maintaining sobriety for a long long time.
Second, it seems that her relapse, as it was when you moved to Georgia, may be triggered by a physical move to unfamiliar territory and an inability to cope with all that brings.
That can be dealt with. I would imagine that the Army has resources to help spouses cope with the isolation and dramatic change of moving to a foreign country. I would expect that spouses' alcoholism occurs frequently enough that the Army, to keep their soldiers focused on their jobs, has found ways to help the spouses. There may be support groups on the base for alcoholism. And there may be support and social groups for spouses. Now is the time to get help, not to "keep the secret"; your child's welfare is at stake.
We often tell people new to SoberRecovery the 2 C's:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
You can, however, take charge of your life and your child's life and make them better and safer for your child. A two year old is notoriously hard to manage. It is when they first really learn that "NO!!!!!" is a powerful word and that is the beginning of their separate identity as a person.
There is an older series of books on child development by Louise Bates Ames, one of which is Your Two Year Old: Terrible or Tender. Some of the theories and the context are very dated and not helpful. But what I found to be stunning is the description of the stages that a child goes through in their behavior, when to expect them, and what to expect the child to be doing. It takes away the mystery of why the child is behaving "so badly" and explains why that behavior is necessary in child development. And it gives some great techniques for handling what the child does in productive ways. I just reread it and gave it to my son and DIL for their young twins. You can get it on Amazon as book or Kindle for about $10.
It is really important that your child be first on the list of who gets taken care of. The mischief a two year old can think of in an instant requires constant vigilant care, and if your wife is passed out drunk, that is an accident waiting to happen. Getting proper supervision for your child just can't wait.
Here at SoberRecovery, as in Alanon, there is a distinction made between giving an ultimatum and drawing a boundary. An ultimatum would be "you have to stop drinking or I will do "XY or Z". That leaves us in the passive position, waiting for the alcoholic to take action or not, and tracking their behavior and trying to control them into compliance.
A boundary is a positive statement of what you will or will not live with. An example would be "I will live in an alcohol free house, and I will protect my child so that he is cared for by a sober person". This puts the choice of behavior on the spouse's back, and sets the household priorities right again.
Please come back as often as you want, and post as frequently as you like. People here have lived through every imaginable crisis with their alcoholics, and have a great deal of compassion and support to share.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
she is over due (once again)
Originally Posted by macd 
She has been on antidepressants and sleep aid pills for avout a month now.
she also discovered that she likes German beer
She has a history or addictive behavior
antidepressants mixed with beer
I have been there too many times (they don't mix well for long)
before a terrible bottom is at hand
seems best for you to seek help for her
from her past she understands rehab
and
probably deep down inside knows she is over due (once again)
many return to their sin over and over again
before they become truly willing to stay sober
MM
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Macd, I am going through the same issues with my wife. My situation: married, wife was addicted to meds before being married, but had 'kicked' the habit before we were married.
12 years and 4 kids later, her drug o choice is now alcohol(went/going through pain med addiction as well. Diff drug, same place).
And she won't acknowledge she's got a problem(its my problem she told me on more than 1 occasion).
The situation may vary a bit(mines a stay at home mom) but the result is still the same: she can't stop drinking, even at the cost of our marriage and our kids well being.
You're in a good place here, lots of insight and experience that will basically tell you this: we're ALL is a SUCK-BUTT situation and its all because of someone else's choices.
Until she acknowledges the problem and really wants help, there isn't too much you can do for her.
But you can do ALOT for your child and yourself.
There are ALOT of sources here, as well as ALOT of compassionate companions, and you will get some really good feedback, as well as a safehouse to VENT!
I'm sorry you had to have a reason to look for us and come here, but you're welcome all the same.
Your family is my prayers.
12 years and 4 kids later, her drug o choice is now alcohol(went/going through pain med addiction as well. Diff drug, same place).
And she won't acknowledge she's got a problem(its my problem she told me on more than 1 occasion).
The situation may vary a bit(mines a stay at home mom) but the result is still the same: she can't stop drinking, even at the cost of our marriage and our kids well being.
You're in a good place here, lots of insight and experience that will basically tell you this: we're ALL is a SUCK-BUTT situation and its all because of someone else's choices.
Until she acknowledges the problem and really wants help, there isn't too much you can do for her.
But you can do ALOT for your child and yourself.
There are ALOT of sources here, as well as ALOT of compassionate companions, and you will get some really good feedback, as well as a safehouse to VENT!
I'm sorry you had to have a reason to look for us and come here, but you're welcome all the same.
Your family is my prayers.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,683
Hi, I was the drinker in our house, my husband put up with me and buried himself in his iPad, sometimes we argued but usually when I was drunk so we never spoke of it when I was sober. I'm sure I would still be drinking now if we had not had an almighty row which resulted in him walking out.
It was only then I seemed to wake up from my fog of years boozing.
We reconciled, I am still sober with a different mindset, I'm not sure of anything just yet except not to partake of alcohol.
I know my husband could not get through to me and deep down I knew I had a problem but ignored it and drank more, I'm ashamed to say.
It was only then I seemed to wake up from my fog of years boozing.
We reconciled, I am still sober with a different mindset, I'm not sure of anything just yet except not to partake of alcohol.
I know my husband could not get through to me and deep down I knew I had a problem but ignored it and drank more, I'm ashamed to say.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
You have been given some excellent advice here. And I think it is great that you found SR already.
I just want to add that your wife is a trailing spouse and you are right in noting that that situation can cause a person a lot of stress and loneliness. I pretty much spent my entire married life as a trailing spouse. I sometimes found myself living in places where I really didn't want to be, couldn't connect with people and couldn't wait to leave. It's a lonely and stuck feeling and a person can resent the sacrifices they make for someone else's career, a partner who has lots of support and community from their employment which puts the partners in very different situations.
Even people with no past history of problems can wind up with mental health issues, feeling a loss of identity and the marriage can fall apart. The army must have some support structures in place for your trailing spouse. Can you connect her to these?
That doesn't address the alcoholism necessarily, which you can't cure, but I do know what it is like to find oneself stuck in a place you don't want to be and how that can start to erode a relationship.
I just want to add that your wife is a trailing spouse and you are right in noting that that situation can cause a person a lot of stress and loneliness. I pretty much spent my entire married life as a trailing spouse. I sometimes found myself living in places where I really didn't want to be, couldn't connect with people and couldn't wait to leave. It's a lonely and stuck feeling and a person can resent the sacrifices they make for someone else's career, a partner who has lots of support and community from their employment which puts the partners in very different situations.
Even people with no past history of problems can wind up with mental health issues, feeling a loss of identity and the marriage can fall apart. The army must have some support structures in place for your trailing spouse. Can you connect her to these?
That doesn't address the alcoholism necessarily, which you can't cure, but I do know what it is like to find oneself stuck in a place you don't want to be and how that can start to erode a relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: böblingen, baden-württemberg
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your help and understanding. I would like to clarify one point: she doesn't necessarily pass out, especially during the days I work, but she does go to bed early then has trouble sleeping thru the night. This I know is a symptom of the drinking.
This past weekend she has spent the majority of the days drunk or buzzed. today she had three 1/2 liter bottles before noon! And what's more she doesn't sip, but guzzles those suckers down. It's starting to take its toll in her physically as well. Normally a thin woman some have accused as having an eating disorder (that she doesn't have!) her weight gain has started to become noticeable.
Right now I have not worked up the courage to bring up the issue, the thought of that confrontation terrifies me. I'm going to talk to our base Chaplin on Monday for some advice and maybe work on an "escape" plan for me and my son before taking that step. What kills me is the time of year. I love Christmas, and have been trying to get into the spirit, but.... And top it all off my parents are coming to visit over the holidays... What to do, what to do?
This past weekend she has spent the majority of the days drunk or buzzed. today she had three 1/2 liter bottles before noon! And what's more she doesn't sip, but guzzles those suckers down. It's starting to take its toll in her physically as well. Normally a thin woman some have accused as having an eating disorder (that she doesn't have!) her weight gain has started to become noticeable.
Right now I have not worked up the courage to bring up the issue, the thought of that confrontation terrifies me. I'm going to talk to our base Chaplin on Monday for some advice and maybe work on an "escape" plan for me and my son before taking that step. What kills me is the time of year. I love Christmas, and have been trying to get into the spirit, but.... And top it all off my parents are coming to visit over the holidays... What to do, what to do?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
The spouse of the alcoholic usually needs a lot of support to break out of the patterns in the alcoholic home. Most spouses cannot and do not change their reactions to the alcoholic without either a support group or a counselor to encourage them that they are doing the right things. Because the right things are uncomfortable, scary, often painful, and always get an alcoholic into a tirade of some kind...so the spouse backs off....just the way you keep beer on hand to avoid any issues, which I read as "avoid the wife's anger and resentment."
But it is a firm truth in recovery that unless the status quo in the home changes, the alcoholic will almost certainly continue drinking. The enabling spouse must change. Recovery rarely happens without a change in the spouse first.
So try to find some face to face help there. And get yourself some books on the subject ("Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is a good start). And start doing the opposite of everything you've been doing in reaction to the drinking. Meaning, if she drinks to passing out, leave her there. Don't clean up a single mess she makes. If she's drunk when you come home, with the toddler in the house, consult an attorney about a legal separation. If you continue to look the other way, and hope that an alcoholic will see the light and change her ways, the years will pass, nothing will change, things will get worse, and the child will be raised and damaged by a drunk. And eventually the sh** will rain down anyway.
She will attempt to control you through tears, rages, silent treatment, shifting blame, criticism, withholding sex or affection, and threatening to divorce you and take your child away from you.
Alcoholics, when their drinking is threatened, play dirty.
If she is truly an alcoholic...sounds like she is, given her history...then you are going to need some professional help and some support from people in recovery.
If you try to handle this alone, your home will be a house of pain and secrets and lies. It is no place for a child to grow healthy and happy.
Help is available. But only you can take that step. Alcoholism is a lifetime condition. You will have this issue for life, since she is the mother of your child. So you just have to get some serious help now.
But it is a firm truth in recovery that unless the status quo in the home changes, the alcoholic will almost certainly continue drinking. The enabling spouse must change. Recovery rarely happens without a change in the spouse first.
So try to find some face to face help there. And get yourself some books on the subject ("Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is a good start). And start doing the opposite of everything you've been doing in reaction to the drinking. Meaning, if she drinks to passing out, leave her there. Don't clean up a single mess she makes. If she's drunk when you come home, with the toddler in the house, consult an attorney about a legal separation. If you continue to look the other way, and hope that an alcoholic will see the light and change her ways, the years will pass, nothing will change, things will get worse, and the child will be raised and damaged by a drunk. And eventually the sh** will rain down anyway.
She will attempt to control you through tears, rages, silent treatment, shifting blame, criticism, withholding sex or affection, and threatening to divorce you and take your child away from you.
Alcoholics, when their drinking is threatened, play dirty.
If she is truly an alcoholic...sounds like she is, given her history...then you are going to need some professional help and some support from people in recovery.
If you try to handle this alone, your home will be a house of pain and secrets and lies. It is no place for a child to grow healthy and happy.
Help is available. But only you can take that step. Alcoholism is a lifetime condition. You will have this issue for life, since she is the mother of your child. So you just have to get some serious help now.
So nice to re-read this for myself and remember that we can so easily slip back into enabling them to drink out of fear of the uproar they will have if we challenge them or make ourselves healthier: i.e.: stop drinking with them, stop buying alcohol, stop babying them when they are sick, the list goes on and on, stop taking them on weekend trips with unlimited alcoholic fun! I really needed to read that. thank you.
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