butterfly2013

I wanted to ask for some suggestions or experience others may have with letting go and minimizing/eliminating obsessive thinking (a form of stinkin' thinkin').

I was recently speaking with one of my XABF's family members because we were trying to schedule when I could take my son to see my ex's family over the Thanksgiving break. (My family and my ex's families both live about seven hours away from our current city. Due to my ex's limited visitation, he cannot take our son that far to see his family. However, I feel that it's important for my son to see his dad's side of the family, which is why I am the one bringing my son to visit his family.)

The family member mentioned offhand that my XABF has been going to visit his hometown quite frequently, and without his wife. Then last weekend, a friend told me she saw my ex on public transportation on his way back to our hometown (they were on the same bus), without his wife.

Unfortunately, this has been at the back of my mind since then. Why is he taking so many trips? Why is he going without his wife? Does that mean they are having problems? What does that mean for the new overnight visits my ex has with his wife as supervisor? Will they fight in front of my son?

At the same time, I know this all DOESN'T MATTER DOESN'T MATTER DOESN'T MATTER! My ex is living rent-free in my head yet again.

I am trying to be kind to myself, and I know our recoveries are about progress, not perfection. But I still feel disappointed, like I should be further along in my recovery or something.

Experience, thoughts?

ladyscribbler

Awareness is a good first step. I struggle with this kind of ruminating myself, and if I catch myself doing it, I visualize myself taking all the dirty, smelly thoughts and putting them into a dumpster. Sort of satisfying to toss that stuff into a gross dumpster- like a really nasty one, behind a Long John Silver's or something. Then I replace it with something- a silly song I can whistle, decorating my future home, a date with Jude Law, whatever. It's an everyday thing for me, but it has gotten better as I become aware and make a conscious effort to shut it down.
Now if you'll excuse me, Jude's at the door, don't want to keep him waiting.

butterfly2013

I love this dumpster visualization exercise! Thank you for sharing, ladyscribbler. It's good to know this is a daily struggle for others as well and that I'm not alone.

pattyG

One of the few exercises that helps...it to be in the present. The way it was described to me is to focus on being aware of the here and now....what does the air smell like? How warm is the room? Who is talking? if you are with your children...what are they doing? are they trying to get your attention? look at the trees, the buildings, etc. Anything that brings you to the present. I do this when my abandonment trauma hits full swing.

jessicajoe

When I was about ten years old and having obsessive thoughts and bad dreams about a scary movie my dad taught me a visualization trick that I use to this day.
If you're old enough to remember "slides" that went in a slide projector and then projected onto a wall or white sheet that's how it was taught to me but I used files in a filing cabinet when I taught my kids and they tell me it works.
What you do is make a picture in your head of the thought that is bothering you (butterfly that might be your X on a bus or in his home town or whatever picture represents the worry) Then you put the picture on a slide (or in a file) and put it at the back of the box. Yes its real and yes you might get around to thinking about it but you have to view the slides in order and the first four or five have things like Christmas morning or summer vacations on them(hey I was ten, use whatever makes you warm and fuzzie)
What you end up with is an imaginary box of slides (filing cabinet?) in your head with good things for thinking about at the front and right at the back (behind about 100 other vague thoughts on slides) the weird,nasty,bad or obsessive stuff.
If it comes up, well some silly person filed it in the wrong place and right to the back it goes. If something worse comes up it gets the back slot. If you absolutely have to think about it (at the attorneys or Docs or whatever) you can go dig it out.
Sometimes I can make this work. I've no idea if I explained it properly or if you now think inside my head is a really weird place.
Good Luck

wellnowwhat

I read somewhere that when stinkin' thinkin' starts, you have 90 seconds to call a quick halt to it before it becomes a full blown obsessive rumination. So I now try to be super aware of when I start the stinkin' thinkin' and sometimes even just scream "stop" in my head and actively search another topic to think about, before I get deeper into the thought process, which is harder to dismiss.

I found this helps a lot. I feel better knowing I have a tool to use.

Florence

I stay busy and exercise a lot. It gives me all the feel-good chemicals, and gives me things to do to keep out of my head. When I really get going and can't stop, I visit SR.

m1k3

What everyone has been describing are variations on mindfulness. It is a great tool with a lot of scientific backing. You can search for it on the internet and find all sorts of techniques, from what I have read you can even change the way your brain is wired so that the unskillful ways of thinking are no longer your default process.

For me I've been using it for a little over 3 years now and it has made a huge difference. I use a Buddist chant. Namu Amida Buddha. It means I take refuge in the Amida Buddha.

Whenever I find myself climbing into the hamster wheel in my head I start to silently repeat the chant. The practice does 2 skillful things. 1, it helps me pay attention to what I'm thinking and 2 it gives me a tool to derail the unhealthy thoughts.

After a while I noticed that the chant would almost start on its own before I am even aware of the stinking thinking starting up. I highly recommend mindfulness as a practice.

Do a little reading on neuro plasticity as well. It will give some amazing information on how the brain can literally rewire itself.

You friend,

Hammer

hmmm.

Yes.

I kind of like Public Transportation.

Especially trains.

"ding, ding," goes the trolley!

Welcome to Mr. Hammer's Neighborhood.

Hammer

knock, knock.

ladyscribbler

OK, I'll bite-

Who's there?

Hammer

Jude Law, of course.