pattyG

After reading other threads, especially one from Hammer, about Happy list/Crappy list...I decided to start something concrete to help me through this break-up. Often, i get caught up in magical thinking. I started at the top left of the page and listed Happy - listing feelings/things to feel good. I had:
1. loved unconditinally
2. Respected, admired
3. Valued
4. Wanted -on many levels, attractive, smart, good listener
5. a good parent
6. financially secure
7. a good friend

Reading these now it looks like attributes, but honestly, it is about feeling those things about myself and directly related to how my partner feels about me in those areas.

Crappy list
1. Belittling
2. my feelings disregarded
3. Unattractive
4. lonely
5. Hatred
6. lied to, betrayed
7. Not trusted
8. Unable to express my feelings d/t feelings of retribution


In the middle of the page I put my fears regarding carrying through with ending this relationship:
1. Will miss out on something good- she will magically love me, treat me well, be a good partner
2. Will be alone forever
3. Will get over my anger and realize I made a mistake
4. Will be stuck in despiration, depression, crying - unable to handle my life
5. Will lose my job, lose everything
6. Will never love again


Then I looked at each again, using reality:
1. I have given this relationship >5 years, if things were going to improve/work out they would have by now. I have invested enough of myself/my life.
2. I have good friends, children that adore me..a bad relationshp is worse than being alone.
3. Mistake how? Things were not working. I was lied to over and over, proving there was no trust. Everyone in her life hates me based on her perception/stories.
4. Live in the present. Allow myslef 15 minutes of "wallow" time when the urge strikes, then back to the here and now.
5. I am financially stable and can weather any storm if necessary.
6. There are 40 more years left to my life. It is better to be unattached and single - but have a healthy self esteem than be in an abusive relationship


Then on the back i listed all the things I did, or we tried...ie. counseling, more family time, vacation, sex, etc and the outcome of each of those attempts.

Then I made a list of the positives of the relationship (3) and the negatives (10). My next step is to list what I like/want in a good relationship, and am planning on reflecting back on the relationships before this one. Tat is to help keep things realistic. I can list a bunch of pie in the sky attributes, yet if I have never experienced them...is it attainable? yet those I have had: my gf that ran me a bath every nite and sat with me talking, or the one who had a loving/safety message (please lock the door when I leave, I love you) are real. They happened. It becomes hard to remember these after being treated like crap for so long.

Hammer

wow.

I hate being lapped on the race track.

But sure admire it when I see it.

wow.

Go, Girl, Go.