jacrazz

After about 2 months of no contact after my break up, I spoke to my XABF. We had both done horrible things to each other which is the "dance" that we here on this forums know so well. We actually had an awesome conversation and was finally able to own my part and apologize for MY crazy making in it all. He also apologized and owned his part. He admitted that he isnt ready to quit drinking and I said "You will know when enough is enough" We admitted that in the short time, we really enjoyed each other and the way we ended things was wrong because "I treated him like a king" (His words). I expressed it was more like a mother and son because I controlled him, or tried to anyway....for his own good of course (sarcasm). We laughed about it and im grateful that we are where we are considering everything.

My things is now that we have made amends, so to speak, he feels like its ok to call now and then for small talk...Im just not emotionally ready for this type of relationship. I feel super-woman trying to kick in and save the day, I still love him and want him to be well but I feel myself wanting more....He called a couple of days ago and I knew he was drinking but he denied and was quacking away and it just put me in a bad space.....The past few months have been by far the darkest days of my life and I just dont want to go back there!!!

Springs

If you're not ready to talk to him, you're not ready to talk to him. If you don't want to talk to him anymore, and are willing to carry that out, let him know.

MissFixit

hi

you are strong and amazing and i bet most people here are jealous of your rationality and self respect with this man. i certainly am! wish i had those smarts 10 years ago.

you know what he is doing, right? you detach seem strong and he needs a mommy to care for him. it does sound like you two really care for each other, but he hasnt changed. only more of the same if you go back there.


hugs

marie1960

Just because the phone rings doesn't mean you have to answer it.

Considering, nothing has really changed, he admits he is NOT ready to embrace a recovery program, I would accept the civil moment that the two of you shared as just that......... a moment in time, and continue on your current path.


you are correct when you say you do not want to return to those " dark days." All I can offer, keep the focus on you, thinking less is more at this point.

NWGRITS

He found a weakness and is exploiting it. He admitted he isn't ready for recovery, so why are his words any different now than they were before you went No Contact. He knows he has you now, and will keep at it until you cave. I would cut off all contact again. This isn't going to go anywhere but down, otherwise. (((Hugs)))

Hopeworks

Been there done that and have the T-Shirt with an XA that doesn't want to let go of you in his life but does not want to give up the booze either.

What I found it is hard to shake an alcoholic especially if you remain in contact... I am still talking to my XA and we have been split up for over 2 years and he is 3000 miles away (thank goodness).

I can't say it is good... most of it was torturous because you continue to live the nightmare of watching them self destruct. He is not relationship material as he is an A, currently not drinking but that has always, always been temporary. He is not drinking at this exact moment but he is not in an active, authentic 12 step recovery program so ...doesn't look good.

And there is no future anyway! I am detached and he has accepted that but he still hopes that someday I will take him back. I have only promised that I will meet him in Tahiti if he stays sober for one year and pays for both of our airfares, hotels and food!

That is a high price tag for a guy who hasn't worked in 10 years except sporadically and has never gone a year without drinking (9 mos the longest).

So... this works for me. It's a carrot he could work for but I am not packing any bags lol!

He was the love of my life... really special guy sober... but they just don't stay sober!

So... do you want to be talking to him in 4 years but he is still not relationship material? I am an old gal and don't want another guy so this is not an issue for me but if you want to move on and meet a great guy without an alcohol problem that is emotionally available I would go NC.

jacrazz

I have these "smarts" because I am an ACOA and have an AMAZING, STRONG, LOVING, SMART, BEAUTIFUL mother who chose to stay in a very bad marriage with my AF. I dont want to go through what she has. They are still married and old and ill....oddly enough, they seem to have love for each other though.

I also have all you awesome people here on SR who have given me sooooo much. I learn more and more every day....and every day I get stronger and stronger im my recovery but boy are there some days.....Thank you all for your words of wisdom!