butterfly2013

Hi everyone,

I have been posting about my situation with my XABF and custody. He recently had his supervised, daytime visitation extended to one supervised overnight every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of the month. I am upset by this, especially because he admitted he is still actively drinking and I submitted printouts of his FB pics that demonstrated him drinking alcohol. (The judge decided to increase his visitation because my ex did not post those pictures *during* visitation. SO FRUSTRATING!)

Since my ex still has limited weekend supervised visitation, I will have my three year old for the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc). However, I do think it is in my son's best interest to visit with his father on those days. BUT...I really don't want his wife to come along.

Is that just terribly selfish of me? But on the other hand, she recently called me a "crazy b*tch" and threatened to physically harm me online. When I told her that was unacceptable, she simply rolled her eyes, laughed in my face, and walked away. I'm trying hard to work through my anger at both my ex and his wife, but it's been a long, difficult process. (My ex cheated on me with her when I was pregnant with my son and the affair continued for a while after he was born. Then, a few months ago, they got married without my knowledge.)

I also have a related question. Since my ex's first supervised visitation (with his wife as moderator) is coming up next weekend, I think I should have a short conversation with them regarding my expectation and guidelines, especially because my son has lived with me since his birth and this will be a huge change for him. I want to go over his routines, bath time, food, and so on.

On the one hand, this conversation seems like it will be a waste since my ex has demonstrated time and time again that he always takes the laziest route when it comes to parenting. Additionally, I still cannot bring myself to take his wife seriously either, due to her threats against me AND the fact that my ex insists he simply married her in order for her to obtain a Green Card. His exact words: "I'm not in love with her, I don't want to be with her forever, I just did it as a favor." In other words, their marriage seems like a fraud and a mess already.

I am thinking that the best thing to do is suck it up, put on a pokerface, and stick to discussing parenting guidelines. However, when I did this several months ago when supervised visitation first started, the wife kept insisting, "[My XABF] make each other better, we help each other." Errr....I highly doubt marrying an active alcoholic makes anyone's life better. Actually, her level of denial seems quite frightening.

Any experience from others?

Off-topic: It is sunny and gorgeous outside, I think I will take my little one to his favorite museum today!

FireSprite

I'm no expert with this kind of stuff - when AH & I were separated for 2 yrs he was the kind of A that didn't fight for visitation because it cut into his drinking time.

I do not blame you ONE BIT for feeling the way you do - it would be hard not to feel devastated after the way he went about breaking your heart, IMO.

However, I think that anything beyond discussing parental stuff regarding DS's safety & wellbeing will be taken as inappropriate. I truly think your best bet is to lay off and let things develop without your intervention.... you really can't dictate the terms of her not being around for the holidays, especially now that they are married. If you keep pushing with stuff like that, you'll only force them closer together, allied against you as their common enemy. Sure, give them the info about DS's routine & the things that comfort him, but don't be surprised when they insist on doing things differently. Work on letting go of that ahead of time, knowing it's likely to happen & completely out of your control.

As difficult as it is, leave this one up to karma - I heard she's a real B!

butterfly2013

I do want to clearly communicate my son's daily routine/schedule to them for their upcoming supervised overnight visits, but then again, thanks for pointing out that they probably won't follow it. I think I also still need to accept powerlessness over this new custody arrangement, but I am worried, especially since my ex is still an active A and my son has always been in my care and stayed overnight with me ever since he was born (well, except when I've been out-of-town for work conferences). What should I do if she talks about how great her marriage is again, like she did last time when I was discussing parenting issues? During our last conversation, she also told me "she used to drink too much," so I have been worried about her possible alcohol problems as well. Overall, I guess I will have a hard time holding my tongue and completely accepting the situation as it is.

In terms of Thanksgiving and Christmas, my son will be with me. However, I was thinking I could give my ex extra time with our son on those days, perhaps I can meet him in a public space somewhere so he can visit with our son for a little bit. According to the terms of the custody court order, any extra visitation outside the weekend overnights are completely at my discretion. But then again, if I arrange these extra visits, I don't want his wife there...ughhhh. I should be mature and invite her too, but she hasn't apologized for her name calling or threats

FireSprite

My heart goes out to you & all the other parents that have to worry about your kids while they are in your Ex's custody - like I said, I have little experience with it & even that drove me to madness.

I'm sure it will get easier in time - aside from having distance & time to heal, things get much easier once the kids get big enough to speak up for themselves somewhat too.

It sounds like the wife is trying to get a rise out of you one way or another all the time. How very insecure of her, no? I've never known a truly confident person need to so constantly verbalize just how OK everything is for them.... especially to their spouse's ex! It's snide & spiteful without a doubt. I would interpret it as: the more she builds up just how wonderful things are, the more likely it is that they really aren't. She sounds like a very sad soul, IMO.

butterfly2013

Thanks for your support, FireSprite. That's a good way of putting it, it does seem like she has been wanting to get a rise out of me. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so I suppose I should just brace myself for whatever ridiculousness she is going to tell me regarding the conversation I want to have with my ex and her about their new overnight visits.

But what should I do about my boundaries? I don't want to hear about her alcohol problems or what she thinks about her so-called "wonderful" marriage to my XABF. And, I don't want to give her the chance to laugh in my face again, knowing that she won't apologize for her threats. If she does any of that, should I just end the conversation or just re-direct the focus to parenting guidelines only?

butterfly2013

And I agree, she does seem to be to be very insecure to repeatedly tell me how great her marriage is...which is, again, why I am having such a hard time biting my tongue whenever I'm around her, because I know all the cruel things my ex has said about her behind her back.

Like another poster around here said, not my monkey, not my circus. (Regarding their marriage, anyway.)

FireSprite

Yeah, I think you're right about just redirecting the convo back to DS. The more she tries to bring it back to off-topic, biting comments the more she proves the point we're assuming anyway - that she's in hell & trying to convince you it isn't hot. The more she carries on, the more I'd "mmm hmmm", "oh, really?", "ya don't say" her to death - just drop the rope & keep my composure.

After I left however, I may be tempted to throw rocks, break glass, scream out loud rock lyrics at shattering decibels in my parked car or scream in a closet just to let the aggression out. But I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing it get to me. Her denial is strong enough to make her as sick as him - they are in a power struggle for control of dysfunction.

You know that old deodorant commercial, "never let 'em see ya sweat"? lol That's what this reminds me of.