GypsyLeopard

I have been dating my (sober 4+ yrs) fiance for almost three years, engaged for about 6 months, living together for nearly a year. We each spend time with our own hobbies and enjoy some shared hobbies and vacations together, both doing things with my friends occasionally (never with his), and will be hosting my family gathering this Thanksgiving. He has a strained relationship with local family and keeps his AA life to himself, though I'm willing to attend events with him, should he ever want to take me. He is very loving and affectionate, has a strong work ethic, takes good care of his house, car and yard, and is making plans for retirement in the future. We love each other very much, and have been loyal and trustworthy. For the most part, we get along really well, but once in awhile, I'll ask a question about our relationship, or say something in a way that upsets him, and he jumps to an unnecessarily high level of anger. He yells at me for starting a fight, and if I don't stop talking, even while trying to fix the misunderstanding in a calm way, he'll go to another room. Last night I asked if he could give me a heads up when he knows he is going to a meeting, rather than wait and spring it on me a few minutes beforehand. He vehemently spit out that the reason he goes to meetings is to keep finding reasons not to blow his brains out. I asked him why and he said that's the way he's wired. I was filled with fear, and told him "I am feeling afraid now." His reply was "I don't care, that's life. I DON'T CARE!" Then he got up and said he has to leave the room now, don't follow. I said, "I won't, but why can't we have a quiet conversation about this?" And he began chanting "Shut up, shut up, shut up." I left him alone for over an hour (it was near bedtime), waiting in our bedroom for him to come to bed, which he never did. I have lived through physical, sexual, verbal and mental abuse before, and this doesn't come close to anything I've left and healed from in the past, including a year of no dating to rewire my own codependence issues, setting up my own personal boundaries. I feel that he has not (yet) crossed any points of no return, BUT I fear that is not far away. Is it wrong for me to consider cutting my losses now, before this escalates to physical or other abuse? I have never before seen any reason to doubt his ability to be a responsible gun-owner (we both have pistols, rifles, hunting licenses, like to target shoot), but his comment has put a lot of fear in me, and I can't live this way for long. I see some underlying anger issues, and have felt since I moved in that I often have to walk on eggshells to be sure he doesn't have reason to "get mad at me", something I have been conditioned to look to avoid since childhood. At this point, I am waiting until after church today to see if he will talk with me about my concerns. I think he just put up a huge red flag, and though it sucks that it took nearly three years for me to see it, I have to act on it. Any input would be great.

Leana

Please consider putting your wedding on hold and PLEASE consider separating physically for a while. In my experience, the abuse will get worse after the marriage and if its that bad now, I am really afraid for your safety. You can work on your relationship while living in separate households. He needs counseling. You need counseling. At 4 years sober, I have a hard time believing this is alcohol related (unless he's drinking secretly). YOU NEED TO GET TO A SAFE PLACE NOW.

AnvilheadII

first and foremost, HONOR your fear. there's a very good reason why you are afraid of his sudden outbursts of anger.

second, I have to wonder from what you shared, how he keeps you separate from AA, meetings, any of HIS friends, etc, and out of blue will suddenly need to "dash" to a meeting........is that really where he is going? I could be wrong, certainly has happened before, but it sounds like using again is a possibility.......

you take care of you. whatever that takes. slow things down, get some help for yourself, and consider removing yourself from the cohabitation. we should never FEAR our loved one....

dandylion

GypsyLeopard---I would like to underline everything that AnvilHead just said.

You have very good reason to be concerned. You could be in great danger!!

dandylion

Charmed3

I also agree! So much of what you said is similar to my story.

There were guns in our home. None of them mine, however I had to take the gun away from him numerous times when I caught him playing Russian roulette, I was threatened, using them on my family if they tried to help me get out and even recently threatening to shoot my attorney.

Did he mean it? Does he mean it now? Or is he just doing what he has always done. Trying to scare me. I am just now telling most people about this. But when I started letting details be known 5 months ago, those that I spoke with told me for my own safety - make a plan and get out now while you still have a chance!

Please put your own safety first. It is very hard right now, but the one thing I have is peace and I'm not afraid for my life on a daily basis anymore.

Mightyqueen801

I'm chiming in with the others here. His responses are familiar and disturbing.

It does not magically get better.

lizw

I lived with a sober aa member for 4 years and he was a couple of months sober when we get together. I swear the longer he was sober, the more angrier he got.
I am an aa member myself and am prone to fits of restlessness, irritability and discontentment - this is what the big book of aa identifies as alcoholism.
Drinking is just a symptom.
I dunno if it is because I am a woman (alcoholic) but I don't have violent outbursts like he use too.

Best thing that relationship did for me was get me to al anon where I learned not to react to his temper tantrums and if I were you I'd probably be quite frightened too with what's going on.

neferkamichael

Do your best to figure out how to make him have a serious conversation about blowing his brains out. Make him realize what he is saying and assess weather he means it or is just ranting. Please be careful. Rootin for ya.

LoveMeNow

Often times until we fully heal ourselves and really do some hard, uncomfortable work, we seek out the same albeit different but still the same kind of relationships. Perhaps, you weren't ready yet to get into another relationship so soon after everything you endured.

The great thing is you are seeing and feeling the huge red flags, but now is where the hard but healthy part comes in. Do we ignore, minimize, justify them or act on our own gut instincts???

GypsyLeopard

Thank you all for your thoughts and cautionary messages. We have been talking today, and I have gained a better understanding for what was going on in his head. We will be doing some counseling in the near future to work on some issues, together and separately. I am comforted by the realization that his colorful choice of words was the extreme way in which he chooses to remember why he goes to AA... apparently, that reflects how he felt when he last had a drink. I will continue to monitor this situation very closely, and any wedding plans are indeed postponed until communication improves. Thank you again!

CarryOn

Hi Gypsy...I'd like to add a recommendation for you to go to AlAnon. Though your ABF is not active, I think the tools of the program do apply. Your situation is similar to mine. My RAH was several years sober when we met & married. He had a total of 17 years of sobriety before relapsing about two years ago. I was completely blindsided - I didn't understand this disease or the effects it could have on the people around it. The feeling of walking on eggshells is a sign to me that you are being effected by his alcoholism...maybe he is more of a "dry drunk" than an RA...the program will help you deal with that. One of the big things I did, that I now believe contributed to the dysfunction in our relationship, was to accommodate him so I wouldn't aggravate him...it was easier to let him have his way. In so doing, I put my wants & needs to the side so that his were met. AlAnon & Counseling are helping me keep my wants & needs front & center for myself so that I don't lose myself again.

Good for you to postpone the wedding & get some counseling. I'm very concerned that you are fearful of him. No need to make a snap decision on things, but please make sure that all your concerns are fully addressed & you feel safe before starting up wedding plans. More will be revealed.

GypsyLeopard

Thank you Carry On; your words really spoke to me. I have wondered about going to Al-anon despite the fact that I have not lived with him when he was an active alcoholic. I am familiar with the program, and am reading One Day at a Time in Al-Anon. I've suspected that my "walking on eggshells" is enabling behavior, and as you inferred, while avoiding confrontation, I'm not taking care of my own wants and needs. I'm good at defending the fact that "not enduring fighting and yelling" is a valid want of mine, but I'm mature enough to accept that I might be obtaining that the wrong way. My plate is rather full right now with Church responsibilities, but I'm going to look into Al-Anon meetings in my area... there are definitely more tools there that could be added to my relationship toolbox!

I would also like to make sure that readers of this post understand that I am no longer feeling unsafe. I believe now, after some therapy, that this was my RA's way of opening up to me, to stress to me the importance of his meetings. I reiterated to him what I said when we first began dating, that I'm aware that his sobriety has to be Number 1; I'm glad he is going to meetings regularly, doing step work, and helping others through the program. I also have a magnified need for security and am hyper-vigilant, so I'm confident I will continue to monitor this situation appropriately.

Thanks again to everyone for contributing!

OnawaMiniya

Hi,

LISTEN TO THAT LITTLE VOICE INSIDE OF YOU.

When have you ignored it, and had everything work out ok?

I'm concerned for you....

Take good care of yourself, Hon.

Peace.

OnawaMiniya

None of that addresses any of this:

"For the most part, we get along really well, but once in awhile, I'll ask a question about our relationship, or say something in a way that upsets him, and he jumps to an unnecessarily high level of anger. He yells at me for starting a fight, and if I don't stop talking, even while trying to fix the misunderstanding in a calm way, he'll go to another room. Last night I asked if he could give me a heads up when he knows he is going to a meeting, rather than wait and spring it on me a few minutes beforehand. He vehemently spit out that the reason he goes to meetings is to keep finding reasons not to blow his brains out. I asked him why and he said that's the way he's wired. I was filled with fear, and told him "I am feeling afraid now." His reply was "I don't care, that's life. I DON'T CARE!" Then he got up and said he has to leave the room now, don't follow. I said, "I won't, but why can't we have a quiet conversation about this?" And he began chanting "Shut up, shut up, shut up." "

That behavior of his isn't ok, it isn't healthy, it doesn't show you that he values you, didn't show you that he's in any way stable, and is abusive, frankly.

Please, please, just listen to that nagging voice inside you that never quite feels ok with this, deep down.

"I don't care, that's life, I don't care"??? That WILL be life with him...

I don't say any this to you out if judgement, I say it with real concern and fear for you.

Hugs.

Peace.

Hammer

oh, poor baby. That is so sad. I did that for years. Kept me on a sort of Crazy Defcon alert. Like a lone LT sitting on the bottom of an ICBM silo, ready to nuke the family if "the relapse" happened.

Her relapse happened anyway. Nothing you or I can or will be able to do about it.

Ever look at the defense and planning put into the Maginot Line?

Maginot Line - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The enemy just drove around and jumped over and shot them in the back.

Please come to understand what they mean by, "cunning, baffling, powerful."

This is God and the Angels' fight. Not yours.

AA Big Book -- Chapter 5, How It Works, Page 58:

"Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful!
Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all
power that One is God. May you find Him now!"

HealingWillCome

Only a month ago, these were your words. Today you say you are no longer feeling unsafe. A month is a very, very short period of time for your fiance to undo the rage that would allow him to spew threats of blowing his brains out.

I'm not judging you, just asking you to please, please not minimize the above. I hear you minimizing his behavior after a short (very short) period of therapy. Please don't ignore your instincts, which I believe you have, but are burying right now because you love this man. Don't forget to take care of and protect yourself.