finally learning what life WITHOUT addiction can be like.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Vancouver Canada
Posts: 37
finally learning what life WITHOUT addiction can be like.
Its strange isn't it? You get so used to the madness that you forget what life is like without it. Its a long weekend here in Canada (Remembrance Day, how fitting) and so Friday I spent time with my 2 young nephews, something I wouldn't have done with the addict in my life (He doesn't do well around kids and would've left the house so I wouldn't know what he was doing). I spent half my pay cheque paying off debts and getting much needed tires for my car (something I could never afford to do with him since I was the financially responsible one). Then to top it off, I spent yesterday going for a long stroll along the river with my dog, followed by a therapy session, pedi and mani and finally dinner with my xabf's sister and her spouse (who is also struggling with his own addiction so she gets it).
How is it I forgot how important I am? And I don't mean that in a snotty way, but my god: its not just the addicts that go crazy, its us too. Sure I felt guilt I wasn't home with my dog, but my mom had her and was encouraging me to stay out. Not every weekend will be like this, I know it was probably a one off; but its amazing how your guides will give you what you need when you need it. I'll see my xabf today since I'm moving the last of my stuff out, so it was shown to me now to help me stay strong.
Mysterious ways and all that.
How is it I forgot how important I am? And I don't mean that in a snotty way, but my god: its not just the addicts that go crazy, its us too. Sure I felt guilt I wasn't home with my dog, but my mom had her and was encouraging me to stay out. Not every weekend will be like this, I know it was probably a one off; but its amazing how your guides will give you what you need when you need it. I'll see my xabf today since I'm moving the last of my stuff out, so it was shown to me now to help me stay strong.
Mysterious ways and all that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
You said that so well!
I don't think that the addicts in our lives have any idea that more than anything we miss the normal, mundane, things in life. More than anything I want peace. It's Sunday morning and I am laying on the couch with my dogs nuzzled at my feet watching reruns of Top Chef and I couldn't be happier.
Unfortunately, the addict in my life is my child, unlike a spouse or parent, I don't think a mother can ever totally sever a child from her life. Mine is doing well now but I am cautious and thankful she is living elsewhere. A few months ago my Sunday morning would have been filled with a hungover young adult acting like a 2 year old. At least for this morning, its peaceful.
Thanks for your post!
I don't think that the addicts in our lives have any idea that more than anything we miss the normal, mundane, things in life. More than anything I want peace. It's Sunday morning and I am laying on the couch with my dogs nuzzled at my feet watching reruns of Top Chef and I couldn't be happier.
Unfortunately, the addict in my life is my child, unlike a spouse or parent, I don't think a mother can ever totally sever a child from her life. Mine is doing well now but I am cautious and thankful she is living elsewhere. A few months ago my Sunday morning would have been filled with a hungover young adult acting like a 2 year old. At least for this morning, its peaceful.
Thanks for your post!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 48
It is indeed strange and unsettling how much you can forget what normalcy can feel like. I went through a battle with myself and my ex (meth abuser) trying
To reclaim my freedom an space. Certain triggers, like knowing he was homeless or in need, would send me back into a whirlwind of wanting to help. Then I thought I could help while he wasn't using, but it wasn't long before he was again and the cycle restarted.
On Friday, I received some bad news at work and minutes later my phone rang. It was my ex wanting to know if he could stop by for a shower and to wash clothes. In my distracted state, I said yes. I immediately kicked myself for saying yes but I couldn't call him back because he currently doesn't have a phone. Sure enough, he shows around 7pm and sure enough he manages to fall asleep on my couch. I told him he could stay for the night since I was just going to sleep. By morning, I found myself not wanting to get out of bed and enter the living room. And then he started repacking his bag very slowly with his clean clothes. I say speechless just waiting for him to leave. I guess he got the hint and finally did.
Yes, I know that he was headed back onto the streets. And about 6 months ago, I would not have been able to handle that and would have invited him to stay. But this time, only relief. Just pure relief that he was no longer in my space.
It is very hard to get to a place where you can emotionally deal with the fact that a loved one is on the streets. But once you do, it is a beautiful peace you find and really nothing will allow you to let go of it. To those struggling with that, hang in there, the time does come.
To reclaim my freedom an space. Certain triggers, like knowing he was homeless or in need, would send me back into a whirlwind of wanting to help. Then I thought I could help while he wasn't using, but it wasn't long before he was again and the cycle restarted.
On Friday, I received some bad news at work and minutes later my phone rang. It was my ex wanting to know if he could stop by for a shower and to wash clothes. In my distracted state, I said yes. I immediately kicked myself for saying yes but I couldn't call him back because he currently doesn't have a phone. Sure enough, he shows around 7pm and sure enough he manages to fall asleep on my couch. I told him he could stay for the night since I was just going to sleep. By morning, I found myself not wanting to get out of bed and enter the living room. And then he started repacking his bag very slowly with his clean clothes. I say speechless just waiting for him to leave. I guess he got the hint and finally did.
Yes, I know that he was headed back onto the streets. And about 6 months ago, I would not have been able to handle that and would have invited him to stay. But this time, only relief. Just pure relief that he was no longer in my space.
It is very hard to get to a place where you can emotionally deal with the fact that a loved one is on the streets. But once you do, it is a beautiful peace you find and really nothing will allow you to let go of it. To those struggling with that, hang in there, the time does come.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
RedSoxGirl, your story is very inspiring! I really identify. I was so surprised when I broke up with my cocaine-addict XBF a few years ago that the aftermath was actually the easy part! It was all those months I spent agonizing about how he would survive without me and postponing making a break that were the really low part for me. Once he was gone, I felt a twinge or two of guilt and anxiety, but mostly it was just sweet relief! I hope you keep enjoying the freedom to live a peaceful life! 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
