New here. My boyfriend is a very depressed alcoholic and I am drowning. I feel alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 40
New here. My boyfriend is a very depressed alcoholic and I am drowning. I feel alone.
Hey,
I'm so glad that I found this place. My boyfriend of 7 years is an alcoholic. He is also incredibly depressed. We have been living together for 6 years and our of those 6, I've been supporting him for 3. When we started living together he had a job but he hated it so much and he started spiraling down into this awful depression and I just wanted to save him and help. We moved to a different location closer to my family and I got a job so that my boyfriend could go back to school. Well that lasted for about a year but then he started getting crippling anxiety about school (even though he is incredibly intelligent and school comes very easy to him) During all of this, his drinking has increased. He was drinking every night when he had the job that he hated but at the time I was naïve and just thought he was blowing off steam. Now that he has no job and doesn't go to school, he is still drinking all of the time.
The thing is, drinking makes him SO sweet and happy! I hear all of these stories where people turn into monsters when they drink. I guess that is the stereotypical "movie" drunk. But for my boyfriend, it seems to be the only time he's really sort of happy. He is super sweet and nice and has been anytime he's drunk for the last 6 years. That almost makes it all harder because it's not like I can say "okay, he's being abusive when he's drinking so I'm out of here."
He is incredibly depressed. He says he's been depressed since about 5th grade and I believe it. He is depressed, miserable and an alcoholic but he is also incredibly funny, sweet, caring and intelligent. I am having such a hard time weighing the pros and cons here. I am supporting us both on almost no income. We live paycheck to paycheck and we barely make ends meet. I have expressed to him many times how stressed out I am and how I can't handle doing everything by myself, and how I need his support and help. We have gotten into MANY fights because anytime I bring it up, he gets stressed out and doesn't want to talk about it. I find myself being VERY resentful towards him. I am also an anxious person but I freaking still work and make things work, because I HAVE to. I have no choice. On the one hand, I know that he is sick. But on the other hand, why the hell does that mean I have to take the brunt of it all?
He is on medication for depression but refuses to get therapy. He is adamant that it won't help and I know that with that kind of attitude, it won't. He went to AA for a while but he really didn't like it (and to be honest, I didn't either) The meetings feel almost cult like. My boyfriend is very science minded and not at all religious or spiritual and so the whole "higher power" aspect was really tripping him up. Even though "higher power" can mean anything from nature to science or whatever you like it to be, it still feels very religious. He was almost drinking *more* when he was going to meetings. And he straight up told me that he was only going for me.
He says that drinking is the only thing he looks forward to. He spends what little money we have on alcohol all of the time. His family lives 4 hours away and no one has any idea what's going on with him. They all think that he's in school. In reality, he stays home all of the time and drinks a lot at night. I am so freaking depressed and lost. I have a lot of my own issues, codependency being one of them. I am terrified to be alone. The thought makes me want to throw up. But I am also almost 30 years old now and I can't imagine this being my life forever.
I don't drive (no license) and so getting to an alanon meeting would be difficult. I could ask my boyfriend but that seems so odd. I am also afraid that I'll have the same reaction to it that I had to AA. AA felt creepy to me, to be honest. I didn't feel comfortable, I felt like the program was way too outdated. It came off as strange to me.
I'm sorry, I wrote so much. I just have no one to talk to about this. My family knows what he's not in school or working but no one has ANY idea that he's an alcoholic. I am keeping this secret and it's eating me up. I have no friends and my boyfriend and family are pretty much all that I have...but mostly just my boyfriend. I put all of my eggs in one basket and my eggs are being crushed.
Thank you if you read all of this. I would love any input.
I'm so glad that I found this place. My boyfriend of 7 years is an alcoholic. He is also incredibly depressed. We have been living together for 6 years and our of those 6, I've been supporting him for 3. When we started living together he had a job but he hated it so much and he started spiraling down into this awful depression and I just wanted to save him and help. We moved to a different location closer to my family and I got a job so that my boyfriend could go back to school. Well that lasted for about a year but then he started getting crippling anxiety about school (even though he is incredibly intelligent and school comes very easy to him) During all of this, his drinking has increased. He was drinking every night when he had the job that he hated but at the time I was naïve and just thought he was blowing off steam. Now that he has no job and doesn't go to school, he is still drinking all of the time.
The thing is, drinking makes him SO sweet and happy! I hear all of these stories where people turn into monsters when they drink. I guess that is the stereotypical "movie" drunk. But for my boyfriend, it seems to be the only time he's really sort of happy. He is super sweet and nice and has been anytime he's drunk for the last 6 years. That almost makes it all harder because it's not like I can say "okay, he's being abusive when he's drinking so I'm out of here."
He is incredibly depressed. He says he's been depressed since about 5th grade and I believe it. He is depressed, miserable and an alcoholic but he is also incredibly funny, sweet, caring and intelligent. I am having such a hard time weighing the pros and cons here. I am supporting us both on almost no income. We live paycheck to paycheck and we barely make ends meet. I have expressed to him many times how stressed out I am and how I can't handle doing everything by myself, and how I need his support and help. We have gotten into MANY fights because anytime I bring it up, he gets stressed out and doesn't want to talk about it. I find myself being VERY resentful towards him. I am also an anxious person but I freaking still work and make things work, because I HAVE to. I have no choice. On the one hand, I know that he is sick. But on the other hand, why the hell does that mean I have to take the brunt of it all?
He is on medication for depression but refuses to get therapy. He is adamant that it won't help and I know that with that kind of attitude, it won't. He went to AA for a while but he really didn't like it (and to be honest, I didn't either) The meetings feel almost cult like. My boyfriend is very science minded and not at all religious or spiritual and so the whole "higher power" aspect was really tripping him up. Even though "higher power" can mean anything from nature to science or whatever you like it to be, it still feels very religious. He was almost drinking *more* when he was going to meetings. And he straight up told me that he was only going for me.
He says that drinking is the only thing he looks forward to. He spends what little money we have on alcohol all of the time. His family lives 4 hours away and no one has any idea what's going on with him. They all think that he's in school. In reality, he stays home all of the time and drinks a lot at night. I am so freaking depressed and lost. I have a lot of my own issues, codependency being one of them. I am terrified to be alone. The thought makes me want to throw up. But I am also almost 30 years old now and I can't imagine this being my life forever.
I don't drive (no license) and so getting to an alanon meeting would be difficult. I could ask my boyfriend but that seems so odd. I am also afraid that I'll have the same reaction to it that I had to AA. AA felt creepy to me, to be honest. I didn't feel comfortable, I felt like the program was way too outdated. It came off as strange to me.
I'm sorry, I wrote so much. I just have no one to talk to about this. My family knows what he's not in school or working but no one has ANY idea that he's an alcoholic. I am keeping this secret and it's eating me up. I have no friends and my boyfriend and family are pretty much all that I have...but mostly just my boyfriend. I put all of my eggs in one basket and my eggs are being crushed.
Thank you if you read all of this. I would love any input.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
What struck me most about your post is the fact that you are unhappy.
That the situation that you are in is leading to your own unhealthness.
Your boyfriend has the perfect situation, your support him, you take care of him, he gets to be an alcoholic and not face any of his own issues and you just seem to go along being fine with it.
You are isolated and feel alone, stressed out, and your quality of life is directly effected by what you are allowing.
An alcoholic will not step up unless he/she has to, and even then, the chances of that happening are slim.
You are not responsible for figuring out what your boyfriend needs, but you are responsible for what you need.
Personal counseling may be a good idea for you at this point.
You have a lot of life ahead of you, it doesn't sound like another 6 years of this is will lead you to personal happiness.
That the situation that you are in is leading to your own unhealthness.
Your boyfriend has the perfect situation, your support him, you take care of him, he gets to be an alcoholic and not face any of his own issues and you just seem to go along being fine with it.
You are isolated and feel alone, stressed out, and your quality of life is directly effected by what you are allowing.
An alcoholic will not step up unless he/she has to, and even then, the chances of that happening are slim.
You are not responsible for figuring out what your boyfriend needs, but you are responsible for what you need.
Personal counseling may be a good idea for you at this point.
You have a lot of life ahead of you, it doesn't sound like another 6 years of this is will lead you to personal happiness.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Ourtown, welcome to SR. There are many people here who have been though the same experience as you and they'll be able to give you some perspective on your situation.
No wonder you've identified yourself as drowning, having been the sole support for your boyfriend for 3 years. I guess you know that it's not sustainable and something has to give, whether you want it to or not? There are a couple of things going on:
- he has untreated depression/anxiety
- he is an alcoholic
Whatever medication he takes for his mental condition, it's not working or more likely his alcohol condition won't allow it to. He's rejected therapy even though he knows you're incredibly stressed. He is making no effort.
Not everyone likes AA; I've stayed away from it because of the emphasis on God, religion etc. but it is the most effective regime around and I'd go if nothing else worked. But you BF hasn't gone on to find another way to stop drinking. Why should he? You're taking care of everything and he can sit back, relax and do what he likes best.
Just one more thing; alcoholics thrive on secrecy and their SOs are complicit in keeping it that way. As long as no-one knows what's going on there's no pressure for him to change. You're bearing all the pressure, isolated, worried and run off your feet, while he carries on regardless.
Seriously, I think Alanon would be hugely beneficial. If he can drive you while sober then get him to do that, or even better, make getting your license a priority. No wonder you're isolated, you can't escape by car in the evening even when you need a break.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it would help a lot if you seek some support and counselling to see how you can improve this.
No wonder you've identified yourself as drowning, having been the sole support for your boyfriend for 3 years. I guess you know that it's not sustainable and something has to give, whether you want it to or not? There are a couple of things going on:
- he has untreated depression/anxiety
- he is an alcoholic
Whatever medication he takes for his mental condition, it's not working or more likely his alcohol condition won't allow it to. He's rejected therapy even though he knows you're incredibly stressed. He is making no effort.
Not everyone likes AA; I've stayed away from it because of the emphasis on God, religion etc. but it is the most effective regime around and I'd go if nothing else worked. But you BF hasn't gone on to find another way to stop drinking. Why should he? You're taking care of everything and he can sit back, relax and do what he likes best.
Just one more thing; alcoholics thrive on secrecy and their SOs are complicit in keeping it that way. As long as no-one knows what's going on there's no pressure for him to change. You're bearing all the pressure, isolated, worried and run off your feet, while he carries on regardless.
Seriously, I think Alanon would be hugely beneficial. If he can drive you while sober then get him to do that, or even better, make getting your license a priority. No wonder you're isolated, you can't escape by car in the evening even when you need a break.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it would help a lot if you seek some support and counselling to see how you can improve this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I agree with other posters. First off, get your license.
You can't go to Alanon meeetings in the evening driven by someone who may
be drunk, or drunk by the time you are done.
What else do you need to do for yourself to feel better?
BF will never stop as long as he is provided for.
Can you keep doing this for even six months or another year?
I think you should consider bringing your family into this by telling them of his drinking.
Another possiblity might be to move home for a little while, rest, and let him sort out
what he needs to do for himself. Only he can make a decision to get treatment.
I'm sorry for your pain and I send both of you positive thoughts. I hope he gets the help he needs, and I hope you have the the courage to step back and let him do it.
You can't go to Alanon meeetings in the evening driven by someone who may
be drunk, or drunk by the time you are done.
What else do you need to do for yourself to feel better?
BF will never stop as long as he is provided for.
Can you keep doing this for even six months or another year?
I think you should consider bringing your family into this by telling them of his drinking.
Another possiblity might be to move home for a little while, rest, and let him sort out
what he needs to do for himself. Only he can make a decision to get treatment.
I'm sorry for your pain and I send both of you positive thoughts. I hope he gets the help he needs, and I hope you have the the courage to step back and let him do it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
WoW, ourtown--you sure have given us a wheelbarrow full of information. It also sounds, to me, that both of you have pushed yourselves into dead-end situations. Like, a burrow with one way in and no way out!!..LOL.
First--It seems that you have, unknowingly (and, with the best of intentions) gotten sucked into enabling him. When we enable the alcoholic--we actually block them from taking the responsibility that they HAVE to--if they are ever going to help themselves.
He is giving all the classic excuses that actually amount to resistance to AA and any therapy--which it sounds like he badly needs.
By the time things get really bad--we need support and a "program" as much as the alcoholic does. We get sucked into a "dance" with them--and both parties just spiral down. Taking action and willingness to change is the way to interrupt this and give any hope for recovery.
Helpful hint: We are not required to like a thing that is going to help us. We just have to do it. There are many things i n life that fall into this category--for ALL of us! We don't have to l ike therapy, either--and, we don't have to "like" AA. If we are suffering and something will relieve that suffering (and, do no harm)--I say, go for it.
ourtown, you don't have to "drown" in this, as you say. It may feel like you are trapped with no options--but, SR is here to l et you know that the good news is: this is n ot true.
My suggestion is: 1. Educate yourself about alcoholism and co-dependency as much as you can. Knowlege is power. Reading the "Stickies" at the top of this main page is a good place to start. 2. find an alanon meeting--and, go with an open mind. You will find so much understanding and support, there. 3. Keep posting, here. There is a lot of experience, here, from those who have walked--or are walking--in your same shoes.
By the way---WELCOME!!!!!
VERY SINCERELY,
DANDYLION
First--It seems that you have, unknowingly (and, with the best of intentions) gotten sucked into enabling him. When we enable the alcoholic--we actually block them from taking the responsibility that they HAVE to--if they are ever going to help themselves.
He is giving all the classic excuses that actually amount to resistance to AA and any therapy--which it sounds like he badly needs.
By the time things get really bad--we need support and a "program" as much as the alcoholic does. We get sucked into a "dance" with them--and both parties just spiral down. Taking action and willingness to change is the way to interrupt this and give any hope for recovery.
Helpful hint: We are not required to like a thing that is going to help us. We just have to do it. There are many things i n life that fall into this category--for ALL of us! We don't have to l ike therapy, either--and, we don't have to "like" AA. If we are suffering and something will relieve that suffering (and, do no harm)--I say, go for it.
ourtown, you don't have to "drown" in this, as you say. It may feel like you are trapped with no options--but, SR is here to l et you know that the good news is: this is n ot true.
My suggestion is: 1. Educate yourself about alcoholism and co-dependency as much as you can. Knowlege is power. Reading the "Stickies" at the top of this main page is a good place to start. 2. find an alanon meeting--and, go with an open mind. You will find so much understanding and support, there. 3. Keep posting, here. There is a lot of experience, here, from those who have walked--or are walking--in your same shoes.
By the way---WELCOME!!!!!
VERY SINCERELY,
DANDYLION
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Norristown
Posts: 17
I think the biggest step for you would be to get counseling yourself. Surround yourself with people who are sober and try to do the same with your bf, however if he just downs the situation, maybe revert to going alone. The counseling is going to be your grace, because you need to realize you can stand on your own. You need to build yourself up so you can be strong. Right now your leaning on him and he's leaning on you. The structure is bound to collapse at some point, especially if either of you falls any more, which sounds like he's doing. I know you want to help him, but again my advice? Help yourself first.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Therapy would be great for you and your well-being. It also sounds like your boyfriend is trying to self-medicate his depression with alcohol. I tried to do that for over ten years. It doesn't work. Therapy and meds that work for him would help a great deal, but if he doesn't want to do it, there is NOTHING you can do to change that.
I'm not big on 12-step programs, but as they say I've learned to "take what I need and leave the rest". Please try to put your mental health first. I understand as I've been going through a similar thing with my BF who is also a kind, caring, funny and intelligent person. He's trying to get into rehab right now. That was his decision, not mine. You can't make someone do anything. It also helps that he has a wonderful therapist who has been a huge support to both of us.
Reach out to someone, whether it be a therapist, family member or friend. You are not alone. You may want to check out this thread I posted this morning. It could be helpful if you find that AA an Al-anon do not resonate with you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-program.html
Huge hugs to you. xo
I'm not big on 12-step programs, but as they say I've learned to "take what I need and leave the rest". Please try to put your mental health first. I understand as I've been going through a similar thing with my BF who is also a kind, caring, funny and intelligent person. He's trying to get into rehab right now. That was his decision, not mine. You can't make someone do anything. It also helps that he has a wonderful therapist who has been a huge support to both of us.
Reach out to someone, whether it be a therapist, family member or friend. You are not alone. You may want to check out this thread I posted this morning. It could be helpful if you find that AA an Al-anon do not resonate with you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-program.html
Huge hugs to you. xo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 40
Thank you to everyone to replied, I really appreciate it.
I am in therapy and have been in therapy for my own issues for a few years now. I only recently told her about my boyfriend's alcoholism but honestly I feel like she may be ill equipped to deal with it? Or maybe not, I don't know. I'm in therapy and getting help but it doesn't feel like enough. I still feel like I'm drowning.
I agree that I need to get my license and I recently called about driving lessons (the reason I don't have it is that I have lots of my own anxiety issues and driving scares the **** out of me) but I'm waiting for them to fit me in to their schedule.
I know that I'm totally enabling him but I'm so terrified of losing him that I'm afraid if I tell his family or ask him to leave, I'll lose him forever. Part of me is terrified by that. Part of me is almost relieved because I feel like this is only going to get worse and I can already barely handle it. I feel way too embarrassed to tell my family. There's just so much shame behind it all. I don't even know why there is on my end, but there is.
I know that if I told his family he would be ridiculously mad at me. I'm afraid to lose him, he's all I've known for 7 years. But I'm afraid to continue down this road. I can't depend on him very much anymore. Not just emotionally but he's my only ride to almost everywhere (which is why I know I need to get my license) and I worry constantly the night before we need to be somewhere that he's going to drink and I'll have to decide between not fulfilling my responsibilities (by not showing up to an appointment or something that was planned) and driving with someone who isn't sober.
I can't stop crying. I feel awful. I really don't want to lose him. But I need support too and I just don't feel any from him, not on the big issues. Everything stresses him out. He can't talk about the fact that we have no money, he can't talk about bills, he can't talk about his alcoholism. I'm harboring so much resentment. I'm paying all of the bills and rent and dealing with everything on my own. But I love him so much. God, I'm such a freaking mess.
I'm paralyzed by my fears and by fearing I'll do something that I'll regret. I can't handle regret, it makes me almost suicidal. I almost want to ask him for a break, ask him to go back to his family for a little while...but I know that I am going to be insanely unhappy if I do that. I am so dependent on him, it's disgusting. The thought of not seeing him, the thought of him dating someone else (although I know that's not the main issue here...) makes me want to throw up. It makes me feel like I'm going to faint. But what the hell? I want some sort of normalcy. I want someone that I can depend on. I feel lik if we break up, I'll be alone forever. I feel like I won't find anyone like him (obviously that's good when it comes to the alcohol but he's so great in so many other ways)
I'm sorry, I'm rambling. He drank again last night after promising me he wouldn't (why do I bother? I'm not naïve anymore but I keep asking for promises...) I kicked him out of bed because I could smell disgusting alcohol on his breath. He's snoring loudly in the other room while I cry in the bedroom. I used to trust him completely. I really did. I KNEW that he would never lie to me...and now he does constantly. I didn't sign up for this.
Thanks again for all of your replies. They mean a lot.
I am in therapy and have been in therapy for my own issues for a few years now. I only recently told her about my boyfriend's alcoholism but honestly I feel like she may be ill equipped to deal with it? Or maybe not, I don't know. I'm in therapy and getting help but it doesn't feel like enough. I still feel like I'm drowning.
I agree that I need to get my license and I recently called about driving lessons (the reason I don't have it is that I have lots of my own anxiety issues and driving scares the **** out of me) but I'm waiting for them to fit me in to their schedule.
I know that I'm totally enabling him but I'm so terrified of losing him that I'm afraid if I tell his family or ask him to leave, I'll lose him forever. Part of me is terrified by that. Part of me is almost relieved because I feel like this is only going to get worse and I can already barely handle it. I feel way too embarrassed to tell my family. There's just so much shame behind it all. I don't even know why there is on my end, but there is.
I know that if I told his family he would be ridiculously mad at me. I'm afraid to lose him, he's all I've known for 7 years. But I'm afraid to continue down this road. I can't depend on him very much anymore. Not just emotionally but he's my only ride to almost everywhere (which is why I know I need to get my license) and I worry constantly the night before we need to be somewhere that he's going to drink and I'll have to decide between not fulfilling my responsibilities (by not showing up to an appointment or something that was planned) and driving with someone who isn't sober.
I can't stop crying. I feel awful. I really don't want to lose him. But I need support too and I just don't feel any from him, not on the big issues. Everything stresses him out. He can't talk about the fact that we have no money, he can't talk about bills, he can't talk about his alcoholism. I'm harboring so much resentment. I'm paying all of the bills and rent and dealing with everything on my own. But I love him so much. God, I'm such a freaking mess.
I'm paralyzed by my fears and by fearing I'll do something that I'll regret. I can't handle regret, it makes me almost suicidal. I almost want to ask him for a break, ask him to go back to his family for a little while...but I know that I am going to be insanely unhappy if I do that. I am so dependent on him, it's disgusting. The thought of not seeing him, the thought of him dating someone else (although I know that's not the main issue here...) makes me want to throw up. It makes me feel like I'm going to faint. But what the hell? I want some sort of normalcy. I want someone that I can depend on. I feel lik if we break up, I'll be alone forever. I feel like I won't find anyone like him (obviously that's good when it comes to the alcohol but he's so great in so many other ways)
I'm sorry, I'm rambling. He drank again last night after promising me he wouldn't (why do I bother? I'm not naïve anymore but I keep asking for promises...) I kicked him out of bed because I could smell disgusting alcohol on his breath. He's snoring loudly in the other room while I cry in the bedroom. I used to trust him completely. I really did. I KNEW that he would never lie to me...and now he does constantly. I didn't sign up for this.
Thanks again for all of your replies. They mean a lot.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OurTown--It sounds like you m ay have huge abandonment issues.
There totally is help for you!!!!!
Perhaps, you do need a new therapist--maybe one who is more directive and has experience with abandonment issues. Could you discuss this with your current therapist?
Still, the usual advice for being in an alcoholic relationship still apply.
I think it is soo true that we have to be agents of our own change. It always begins with a single step. Baby steps...Baby steps......
dandylion
There totally is help for you!!!!!
Perhaps, you do need a new therapist--maybe one who is more directive and has experience with abandonment issues. Could you discuss this with your current therapist?
Still, the usual advice for being in an alcoholic relationship still apply.
I think it is soo true that we have to be agents of our own change. It always begins with a single step. Baby steps...Baby steps......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Alanon sounds like a really good idea too honey.
You need support, you might ask your counselor if she can refer you to someone in the field that has a good understanding of the alcoholic co dependent relationship.
You are stronger than you think, you happiness is important to us, it really is.
love to you Katie
You need support, you might ask your counselor if she can refer you to someone in the field that has a good understanding of the alcoholic co dependent relationship.
You are stronger than you think, you happiness is important to us, it really is.
love to you Katie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 40
I have huge abandonment issues. My dad died when I was young and that only made them worse (they were already there before)
I'm a pretty big mess of a person. I always feel like I'm just barely scraping by, emotionally. I don't know how to be alone, I don't want to be alone. The idea terrifies me more than anything. I feel frantic at the thought.
I'm taking everyone's advice to heart. I'm not very good at expressing everything that I need to express right now, I feel like I'm falling apart. But please just know that your replies do mean a lot and I'm considering everything that is being said.
I'm a pretty big mess of a person. I always feel like I'm just barely scraping by, emotionally. I don't know how to be alone, I don't want to be alone. The idea terrifies me more than anything. I feel frantic at the thought.
I'm taking everyone's advice to heart. I'm not very good at expressing everything that I need to express right now, I feel like I'm falling apart. But please just know that your replies do mean a lot and I'm considering everything that is being said.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
You don't sound like a mess to me,
sounds like you have identified some issues and you are reaching out, wow, that is huge.
Keep posting, we care about you, takes some time to put a plan in action for your own healing, give yourself some time
sounds like you have identified some issues and you are reaching out, wow, that is huge.
Keep posting, we care about you, takes some time to put a plan in action for your own healing, give yourself some time
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Just a few facts, for digestion:
Alcohol is a depressant. Drinking it makes one more depressed, and also dependent. Now the drinker is dependent, and drinks MORE depressant. One CANNOT determine a level of depression while under the influence of a depressant, due to the presence of a depressant.
For a person with innate anxiety issues, living with an active addict is about the worst thing possible. A perfectly strong, confident person will be destroyed trying to live in the midst of active addiction; moreso by leaps and bounds if the starting point is a person with issues already.
Two wrongs do not make a right. For either party to get healthy in this process, they must not immerse themself in a partner relationship with a toxic, ill person. Good mental health will not happen under these circumstances. It's like planting a seed in salted down soil. No matter how carefully you tend and water the seed, the salt in the soil will kill the seed or prevent it from thriving.
Please know that in a partnership, YOU are 50% of the situation. You have chosen a lot of things that have led to this situation. You have choices you could make to change things.
You always have choices!
Sending support,
CLMI
Alcohol is a depressant. Drinking it makes one more depressed, and also dependent. Now the drinker is dependent, and drinks MORE depressant. One CANNOT determine a level of depression while under the influence of a depressant, due to the presence of a depressant.
For a person with innate anxiety issues, living with an active addict is about the worst thing possible. A perfectly strong, confident person will be destroyed trying to live in the midst of active addiction; moreso by leaps and bounds if the starting point is a person with issues already.
Two wrongs do not make a right. For either party to get healthy in this process, they must not immerse themself in a partner relationship with a toxic, ill person. Good mental health will not happen under these circumstances. It's like planting a seed in salted down soil. No matter how carefully you tend and water the seed, the salt in the soil will kill the seed or prevent it from thriving.
Please know that in a partnership, YOU are 50% of the situation. You have chosen a lot of things that have led to this situation. You have choices you could make to change things.
You always have choices!
Sending support,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I'm glad you are reaching out.
You are not a "mess" but a work in progress.
You will find a way forward that allows you to heal and grow and gives your boyfriend room to do the same. Start small but do something everyday to get there.
Keep posting and educating yourself about addiction, anxiety, codependency, and depression. Lots of us have been depressed and trapped just like you. We can and will support you in your journey.
You are not a "mess" but a work in progress.
You will find a way forward that allows you to heal and grow and gives your boyfriend room to do the same. Start small but do something everyday to get there.
Keep posting and educating yourself about addiction, anxiety, codependency, and depression. Lots of us have been depressed and trapped just like you. We can and will support you in your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 21
I read some much of my own story in yours - except I married the guy... and had a baby with him. I found a few hidden bottles when we were living together, but he explained it away that he was just used to hiding bottles from when he lived with his mom. Once it was out in the open, it seemed ok. Then as his responsibilities in life increased (marriage, home ownership, baby), his drinking escalated. My alcoholic is also too scientific for AA, and he denies a problem, and he has depression - which he's on meds for but that's counteracted with the alcohol, and he goes to counseling because I make him but he only talks about work or needing friends (he's a loner)... nothing about the real issues, nothing about his drinking. And, I moved out for a few weeks because on top of all that, I also caught him using inhalants. He agreed to work on it, so I moved back, but he's not trying. I'm finding more bottles than ever now and still finding inhalant containers around. He doesn't want this life I put on him. I see that now. I also see my mistake in this. I am also codependent but more than that, I approached marriage/parenthood as a plan I had for myself - insert guy here and make him conform. He was never meant for this life. I didn't understand that at the time. And like you, he's not abusive so it makes it harder to leave. But, what he is is selfish and neglectful to his daughter and me. When he drinks, he isolates himself. He won't give it up to save his family. That says alot. So, I'm trying to figure out how and when to pull the plug on this marriage. Please don't follow in my footsteps. I know you probably feel very 'committed' already because you have lived together for so long, but get out now. Make a plan. Find a way. It's much harder to get out the more legally entangled you get. Trust me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I'm so glad you're here. I see myself in some of your comments. I'm 42 & have been married for 22yrs. I met my AH when I was 17 and we've been together every since. He is literally all I've know; I've been w/him longer than I was with my birth family. The thought if making healthy for me changes scares the bejeezies out of me. Since we married I haven't worked outside if our home; my job has been to raise our 4 sons and keep the home & I've done that well. I'm scared too but the things I see happening, which has taken time for me to stop denying, are too much to ignore.
Someone above said to make small steps everyday, perhaps one small step a day. My first step was walking into the door of an alanon meeting--that was freaking hard!! That was my admittance w/action behind it for the first time! Very hard! After a couple if weeks if alanon, I gained the courage to google careers I might be interested in. After that step, I looked into what it would take to go back to school...then I visited my local community college...then I told my husband I did that...that was very hard for me! But each one of those things took place over a few weeks time.
All of this is to say, take one step at a time & it doesn't matter how long it takes to take each step. With each step you are doing something good for you, and I believe in the long run good for your BF even if he doesn't understand it. You can do it!! You really can. Love yourself first, you're so very worth it.
Someone above said to make small steps everyday, perhaps one small step a day. My first step was walking into the door of an alanon meeting--that was freaking hard!! That was my admittance w/action behind it for the first time! Very hard! After a couple if weeks if alanon, I gained the courage to google careers I might be interested in. After that step, I looked into what it would take to go back to school...then I visited my local community college...then I told my husband I did that...that was very hard for me! But each one of those things took place over a few weeks time.
All of this is to say, take one step at a time & it doesn't matter how long it takes to take each step. With each step you are doing something good for you, and I believe in the long run good for your BF even if he doesn't understand it. You can do it!! You really can. Love yourself first, you're so very worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Ourtown 
I'm afraid to lose him, he's all I've known for 7 years.
I think it's BRILLIANT how painfully honest you are in your posts. This deep honesty - including naming your worst fears - is a huge step toward your own healing and recovery.
You are grabbing for a lifeline, honey. Whether your BF has the will to live and thrive or not, you clearly do, or you wouldn't have found us.
Make sure you are being as honest with your therapist as you are here; describe the feelings of drowning, paralysis, panic, suicidal thoughts. Any mental health professional worth their salt will immediately address this, and/or refer you to someone else if it's out of their league. Please advocate for yourself!
Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
You said you are terrified that he will leave you forever and then a few sentences letter say you are crying and so unhappy.
A question to think about: Do you see anything wrong with that? Why are you terrified of leaving someone who makes you miserable? Are you afraid of the "what ifs"? Afraid of being alone? Think about what your motive is for staying.
A question to think about: Do you see anything wrong with that? Why are you terrified of leaving someone who makes you miserable? Are you afraid of the "what ifs"? Afraid of being alone? Think about what your motive is for staying.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Dear Ourtown;
You are not a mess; you are in pain, confused, and have big abandonment fears. I know that feeling and it took me a long time to admit to myself I was terrified of leaving my boyfriend. My boyfriend was also a pretty good guy; there was no violence, no verbal abuse. He was also deeply depressed and couldn't handle simple life responsibilities. I wanted to end the relationship almost 18 months ago, but the fear of being alone would set me off into a panic. The fact that you acknowledge this is huge and insightful. You are not a mess, you are responding the way ALL of us respond when in a long term relationship with an addict. It's confusing and provokes our issues. And if we didn't have issues before, believe me, we have them now. I still have not told my family about my ex-boyfriends alcoholism; I am still dealing with the shame. I am pretty new to the recovery process, so like you, with good therapy, reading, posting and reading here, the shame is something both of us can get over.
You are not a mess; you are in pain, confused, and have big abandonment fears. I know that feeling and it took me a long time to admit to myself I was terrified of leaving my boyfriend. My boyfriend was also a pretty good guy; there was no violence, no verbal abuse. He was also deeply depressed and couldn't handle simple life responsibilities. I wanted to end the relationship almost 18 months ago, but the fear of being alone would set me off into a panic. The fact that you acknowledge this is huge and insightful. You are not a mess, you are responding the way ALL of us respond when in a long term relationship with an addict. It's confusing and provokes our issues. And if we didn't have issues before, believe me, we have them now. I still have not told my family about my ex-boyfriends alcoholism; I am still dealing with the shame. I am pretty new to the recovery process, so like you, with good therapy, reading, posting and reading here, the shame is something both of us can get over.
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