Theophania

So here I am again, a beginner to recovery. I have never been a regular poster on the forum but have often lurked. But now I need some support and guidance from people who understand what its like to be me.

I am an alcoholic. I was in AA and sober for 14 months, then I let a resentment and disappointment in another member be my reason to leave. Looking back on it now, I was crazy and my mind was searching for a way out of sobriety and it found one. I can take full responsibility for my actions now but WOW am I pissed off at myself!!! I have spent the last 18 months living a nightmare, don't get me wrong it wasn't all horrible the minute I left AA, I have simply been on a downward spiral that seemed to get quicker and quicker.

At the moment I am getting over a hang over. But I didn't get drunk last night or the night before, no I got drunk on Tuesday night and still I am battling the after effects. I am so anxious that my jaw is aching, my body is in a constant state of high altert, waiting for the danger, there is none. I am becoming depressed again, I am obsessing over my drinking, I don't know if I can get over this, I am utterly hopeless and broken right now.

I went to an AA meeting again on Thursday and stayed for some time afterwards ('the meeting after the meeting') and it was nice to connect with others like me again, but I haven't been able to get back to a meeting since. My children have been sick and my husband works night shift at the moment and my family do not support me being in AA again. I have also not had the motivation to leave my house much...

Sorry for the long rant, I just feel so lost, embarrassed, shameful, disappointed and hopeless

Hevyn

Welcome Theophania It's so good we have each other to lean on. I felt instantly relieved when I came here and shared my thoughts about my addiction. I was no longer alone.

I understand how you're feeling right now - but all those emotions are useless and tend to hold us back from moving forward. I allowed guilt and remorse to send me back to drinking many times - but once I learned to be kind & patient with myself I was able to get on with the life I had in front of me. You can do it, Theo. We are with you.

Bruce292

Wow. What you said really hit home especially these two statements. That was my pattern of thinking for so many years. Especially being on "high alert". You were sober for over a year which is longer than I've been sober so I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. As you detoxify the really bad symptoms will start to ease up .... at least they did with me. I used to just hold my head in my hands and tell myself that I was the worst person in human history. Now I realize that alcohol and drugs had fried all of my serotonin out of my brain. For me alcohol and drugs were very sneaky. I'd get sober for a little while and suddenly it would seem like a rational idea to go off the deep end.

Keep posting. This place is the first place I go when I start feeling like I'm going to bail on my sobriety.

Dee74

Welcome back Theophania

D

least

Glad you're back giving it another go.

Theophania

Thank you all for the responses.

Ugh early sobriety sux!!!! Honestly I don't remember it being this bad the first time. I really believe the universe wants me to feel this pain and remember it so next time maybe I will reach out to others before I reach for another bottle... I want to drink so badly. I think about it most of the day. I don't remember ever wanting a drink this much before.

I am scared.. I am so scared that I am not going to 'get it' this time. I am scared that my last recovery was the only one I was given and that I won't be able to do it this time. I am going so crazy. I have the most irrational thoughts swirling in my head, making me feel like I should be committed!!!

It is getting easier, but I just can't live with this anxiety!!! I am done fighting and I don't know what to do anymore...

Part of me half expected to walk back through the doors of AA and feel as good as I did at 12 months sober But I know I have to start all over again, and I hate that, I am so freaking angry at myself. I was so stupid to leave in the first place, cocky and arrogant, and part of me thinks I am just a lost cause... I just don't know if I can keep going, it all seems too hard...

Ugh I didn't mean to have a big downer post but I needed to get that out, so thank you for that SR

tootsl1

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now drink plenty of water, eat when you can, keep busy, the early days will pass and you know it will get easier. Stick close here, how about joining the Class of November 13? Lot of folk where you are, and you wil be able to advise them on what to expect as well as lean on them for support. Good luck.