SABee

I have decided last winter ( your summer as am living in the Southern hemisphere) to stick with my loved one after rehab, 90 meetings in 90 days and even after his sponsor told him to step back from our relationship ...
He is still living with me ..he is religiously going to NA meetings, participating in the Na fellowship activities, working ....
He is busy doing his step 4.
We did step back - no more sex - cuddling nothing ..living like 2 friends ..still sleeping in same bed.
I was ready to accept it ...during the first year of sobriety ..that would eventually lead him into recovery.
I was ready to accept - suck it up - smile and wave ...
I was meeting his fellows at their parties, bbqs ...most of them are dating or living with another addict. Guess it was their 13th step.
His sponsor & his best friend are married to normies (like me).
Suddenly for still unknown reason 2 weeks ago he decided without saying anything that would go sleep in another room ( I have a pretty large house

It was just a few days before my birthday (am having difficulties to accept that I do age ...that I am just over 40 pretty much single and without kid).
He did not say why how nor anything ...
I went totally ballistic ..I am a foreigner in South Africa posted in a diplomatic mission, without thinking I started looking for another posting as they say here now now ....
Of course in order to hurt him I immediately told him that I did apply to hop to another country and that my application has been accepted ( which is true). He stayed pretty calm ..at beginning then asked me why ? why the hurry...I went over board ..all my resentment came out, the I need to get laid -I want a baby now - I went to fertility clinic for insemination ( totally false) ...he stayed pretty calm and just said: If you cannot wait, may be it would be better for you to open yourself and try meet someone else ...try to put aside our story and meet someone . I went psycho sally ...and again said just to hurt him that was on an online dating site ( true but just registered ..never went onto a date ). that was my birthday weekend ...we did not talk more. I learnt that he was chatting to my gay best friend and that he told him he really wanted to patch things up. that he was a bit new at the whole "loving" caring ...
Since then we are just meeting at home after work. I work late hours right now, so does he ..then he goes to his NA meeting comes back when I am ready go sleep ...
Last weekend he went to the Regional NA convention. He had great fun- support ...but got back home totally drained ( it was at 600km from home ...they drove for 2 pretty hectic days down there)
Tomorrow a close friend of mine from Europe is coming to visit ..for 3 weeks. We will go to the ocean for a week ...Basically my Tamagotchi & I will not be alone till the end of the month ..
I still do not know why he went sleep in other bedroom - out of the blue
And I do not have the courage to ask why ? guess I am afraid of the reply
I eventually have booked appointments to get help and talk it through ..hope doc will be ok and that I will feel comfortable with her.
I am keeping a diary as she told me ..and writing all thoughts all arguments every morning ..she calls it a dawn journal. It helps ..
It helped me to see how by acting like a psycho sally the weekend of my bday I did all I should not have done ...I do now understand why his sponsor said avoid relationships for a year ... I went on and on not one single day but for about 3 full days of sulking grumping saying horrible things ...
I really love my Tamagotchi - sincerely ..I know he is an addict and will always be. I know that right now his recovery is THE number one .....
How to save us ? we both deeply care for each other - love each other ..
He once said that he does not really know how to express his love and love me ..as till to date love was sex and use ...



sending your lots of love from summery South Africa
Bee

Ann

I think you already know that your relationship doesn't seem healthy or normal, not the way it is now and not when you both shared a bed but no intimacy. That's not how healthy relationships work.

It is probably good that you will be accepting a new posting, keeping your life on hold in this limbo of a relationship is just a waste of wonderful life.

I hope things work out better for you as you move forward with your life.

Hugs

needingabreak

When addicts get clean, lots of things in their life will change because they have changed. it is not unheard of for relationships that were before recovery are now strained or over. For some reason it comes with the territory. I am not sure if it is because it is part of the old life (even though the partner is clean and there for them supporting them)or what. I agree with Ann that maybe your change to another country and a new start would be a new beginning for you. Im sorry you are going through this but you deserve to have a happy fulfilling life.

lizwig

Good Morning, I am sorry you are struggling. Please forgive me if I'm wrong but isn't a Tamagotchi one of those electronic pet toys for children that beep when they need their diapers changed and fed? It sounds like this relationship may be bringing out some behaviors in you that you aren't proud of....threatening, demanding, making up stories etc. It appears the balance is extrememly off. For a relationship to work both sides need to be contributing in some form. This sounds like the perfect situation for him...but what is he giving YOU? I recall your posts from a few months ago. I believe in one of them you indicated there was a substantial age difference, isn't he much younger than you? Are you sure you want to consider having a family with a recovering drug addict who has never supported himself and has unresolved family issues of abandonment? That does not sound like a healthy situation to purposefully bring a child into. A change of scenery may be exactly what you need! New place, new friends, work on strengthening those bits of yourself that led to you being where you are now. He sounds like he is well-focused on his recovery and may not "need" you as much any longer. If you truly love him, then wish him well on his journey and hand it over to the universe. You never know what the future may hold. But it's probably time to open the cage and let him fly.

overit263

I'll say to you what my best friend said to me "you are miserable". You can love someone and still be miserable. I wasn't getting what I wanted from mine- he was using and it took a while to get the evidence thrown in my face, but I knew even before that, that I was unhappy. It sounds like you're unhappy too. We start acting crazed when we don't get what we want from our partners, especially the very most basic of needs. I let mine go, sounds like you need to let yours go and make a change to make yourself happy.