overit263

Thank goodness for being able to find the humor in everything. I was laughing with my friend about some of the idiot things my AXH said in active addiction, and now - which may still be active addiction, I have no idea. I can now laugh at some of the statements he made like asking me for things after he skipped town. What are some of the great lines you've heard that you can laugh about now that you've been through the process and aren't hurt about anymore?

One of mine was when I found out about the first of two relapses. I saw his kit in the car and the first thing he said was "it's not what it looks like!" Uhhhmmm I saw needles, are you insane, it's exactly what it looks like- at the time it was incredibly traumatic and I screamed at him to take me home and to get out of my house and that I was not safe with him. Or him selling all my stuff and asking for a file from my laptop that he pawned for drugs. Sure, let me get stuff for you after you just tried to destroy my life. It's all funny now, but it definitely was NOT at the time!

Lily1918

I love how he would give me money to hold, steal it back, make me think I lost it, and help me look for it. hahaha

dizzle00

This is isn't exactly funny, but just an example of the bizarre lies I've been fed. I once tried giving my heroin addict husband a weekly cash allowance and the next day he went and withdrew money from an ATM. I asked him what happened to the cash I had given him and he told me he had taken it out of his wallet and left it at work because he didn't want to be running around with that much cash in his wallet (I had given him less than $100 and he withdrew twice the amount). It's insane how easy it is for them to pull out these ridiculous claims on the spot. I just laughed and went to bed.

SilentLove

Haha wow. This made me laugh really hard. I know in reality it's not funny but it really is!!! Lol

SilentLove

Idk if this is funny or not but...

The day that I caught my ex fiance, he had just pulled in of the drivewayand he came out in swears and a big t shirt. I asked him if he wore that to class and he said yes. I thought to myself "maybe he didn't understand my question." I asked two more times and he said yes again. I thought I was crazy! He would never even wear that to target, why would he wear that to class? Ha.

Jend719

When I suspected my daughter was using again she disappeared overnight. She had left the night before to go to an NA meeting. When she came home I was angry asking why she couldn't even call to say "hey I'm alive not coming home". This was her excuse:
"The person who runs the meeting never showed up. So we went back to (friends)'s house and made dinner. Then she tried to take me home and the car wouldn't start. No one had a phone. I couldn't get home until now because her just started again."

Really?

lizwig

I think it's quite humorous they actually think we will buy this nonsense....but often times we have. It just let it go to avoid a fight.

My son tried to convince ME to give him money because he had communicated with someone in Africa by email who said he had distant family that wanted to give him a large sum of money if he would send them some so they had his bank info. I told him it was an internet scam and he argued with me. He then told me "I'll pay you back" (which is another funny one)...I reminded him our family arrived in England with William the Conqueror...he's known this for years...our lineage has been traced. He then went on to say how every one of us is from Africa originally and blah blah. I finally just said "you know how silly this all sounds, right?" Sheesh

Twofish

This isn't exactly too funny either but I will tell ya anyway,
My 22yr old AD said her $120 moped motorcycle helmet fell off her head whilst mopeding around campus. Hummm, it fell off? Ya she said her sister wore it and stretched it out, those helmets are rock hard...so I asked her why she didn't go pick it up? She said she was going 65 mph and the car behind her ran it over and popped it. So I asked why didn't you stop then? She said because the person who ran it over popped his tire and she didn't want to pay for it. Hummm, going 65mph on campus(maybe 25 mph) then she asked me for $150 for a new helmet, inflation mom, those helmets are expensive! I did end up getting her another helmet, but from my brother for free. She was really ticked, she wanted the cash to get the drug she wanted. Sorry little girl. TF

stucna

When I asked my xabf why he haven't pick up my phone calls he replied week later "I lost my iPhone in a cab and taxi company just found me now and gave it back to me today"

Or my favourite one: when i was calling him at 2-3am at night asking where is he "I can't talk! I'm at library studying! It's 24h open!" Also what I fun hilarious he always was taking his laptop with him a a proof. Honestly I don't even believe he ever studied!

SilentLove

I remember his parents were visiting for the weekend because I had told them about him using. They stayed until Sunday morning when my ex fiance had left for church. They called me on their way home saying that he was going to meet with his pastor after the service to talk about what had happened. So service ends at noon and I assumed he was going to talk to his pastor for 3 hours max (because he wasn't very expressive so I didn't see why he would even talk to them for an hour). I texted him at 330 asking if he was still talking but he didn't respond. I called at 4 to see what he was doing but he didn't pick up. I get a text at 430 saying that he was going to take a shower and go back to church. I thought.. Evening service doesn't start til 6 and he takes a 10 min bath... I instantly knew something was up. I asked him why he didn't call me back and he said he was on the phone with his pastor.... I thought.. Really? On top of spending 3 hours talking to him, you also spent time on the phone? Something was definitely up.

I then asked him via text why he was going back to church and he said it's good to go back to church! I drove over to his house and lo and behold, he was laying in bed watching tv with glazed eyes. I smelled the spice. I smelled it all over his room.

Ugh

KeepinItReal

"What did you spend the $20 on?" his response, baked ziti from the italian restaurant. Me, "Why isn't there any garbage from the food?" (he always leaves a mess) His response, "Oh I was really hungry and ate it in the car on the way home and through the containers and everything else out the window." Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm ok!!
We lived 2 minutes from the italian place. Totally unbelievable. He knew he was caught with that one.
Or when I accidentally walked into the bathroom (at night after cleaning the bathroom before I went to sleep) and he was sitting in there with a bottle of water, a tie, and jumped a thousand feet. I asked him, "why is there a tie and a bottle of water in here?" His response was it was behind the garbage and he was cleaning up.. must have been the kids. HAHAHA
It's funny - but really it isn't.

hopeful4

We have a little change thing in the shape of a box that we put change in for the church (or I do). I found it half open one day and everything gone but the pennys. I blamed my kids, actually yelled at them that that $ is for church not for us. He sat back and let me YELL AT HIS KIDS for this. Later admitted yes, it was him that took it out to go buy a 40. Nice.

rubyclaire

my ah was outside our house and I was inside with the kids, getting them ready for bed. I thought he had gone to the neighbors to chat. I was getting tired so I went to bed myself. Two hours passed and I finally texted him asking where he had gone. After awhile he responded that his friend had come by and kidnapped him and he was unable to find me (in our HUGE three bedroom house) to let me know). I told him I was really glad his hands were finally untied to bring the beer can to his mouth. Sometimes I can't help myself.

interrupted

My sister sold my new refrigerator. She said she "didn't realize that I wanted it". Unbelievable. Somehow my mom managed to twist it into my fault because I "expected too much" from my sister. If expecting her to NOT sell all of my stuff counts as "too much" then I guess she's right. There were many other things stolen/sold as well, but that one was just too ridiculous. I don't even know where all the food went. lol

zoso77

Oh, where to start...

What I will always remember fondly is the day my AXGF left. After she had sent me a picture of her and her new BF, after she told me she had boinked two other men while she was with me, she told me at long last she had grace and dignity, things she never had with me.

And I swear to God, it was funny then. The complete and utter lack of self awareness was remarkable. Nearly two years clear of that day, it's hysterically funny.

Grace and dignity, my a$$...

ZoSo

overit263

My AXH came home from work when I was out walking the dog. He came down to meet me and he was slurring so bad that I said "what THE HELL are you on, you HAVE GOT to be on drugs because you are talking like Anna Nicole Smith!" He told me "I'm not on drugs, I'm exhausted from work!"

Uhm, his boss told me that he was leaving work all the time with crazy excuses, but this was after the fact.

Dude111

This reminds me of all the excuses or text messages I would get from my AXGF. It's like a text to truth translator. "I will be home in ten minutes" = I will be home in three days. "Sorry, I didn't call, I was at Sarah's her boyfriend broke up with her" = I did heroin again. I can't recall exactly what was said but no one in a healthy relationship would have these kinds of ridiculous situations. It wasn't funny then but it is now. It is also amazing how good we become at detecting ******** and know exactly what the truth is when these people in our lives lie to us.

Jend719

Oh yea....someone was ALWAYS needing my daughter for advice or to "talk". She'd come home hours later. Like she's everyone's therapist all of a sudden!

Last week: "hey my bf has this clarinet he wants to sell...I figured since my sis plays the clarinet u might want to own one"
Me:" no sorry just finished paying off the one we were renting"
AD :"but I have some kind of fee for court"
Me:"what fee...what's it for? U will have to tell them that u are destitute...maybe community service?"
***picture the scene and the tantrum that ensues because her and the bf don't get their money for a fix***
PS: found out tonite that they stole his little sisters clarinet and tried to sell it to me!

allforcnm

I still have trouble wondering why my husband really thought I would believe he was working late so many nights ... until 2, 3 am. He works in an office, and all the years I knew him there was never a crisis that took him there until 3am. Of course sometimes, he admitted they (the other innocents who also had to work that late) had decided to get dinner, have a drink making him arrive home late....he never could tell me consistently what they were working on; it was usually related to a country outside the USA where it was day in the middle of our night.

jacrazz

He wanted to switch cars (I live in another town).......I asked why? He quacked that he didnt want to put so many miles on it and save on Gas (SUV)......The real reason was that the REPO man was coming!!!