SteppingStone

I am struggling at the thought of letting my Recovering AXBF go. He said we should cut all ties and have no contact but how do you let someone who has been a big part of your life and whom you love so much go?

I feel like I don't want to go on without him but at the same time, I have to for my daughter.

Why can't we be happy together? I have always supported him through his recovery. I don't get why is is pushing me out.

Someone please HELP!

suki44883

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I know it's hard and seems unfair, but he has to do what he feels is best for his recovery. Your life can now focus on the welfare of your daughter and yourself. It's okay to grieve for a lost relationship, but don't let yourself get stuck there.

jacrazz

It's hard...I'm going through it now. The bottom line is I have bigger fish to fry then worry about him. It did take me a little to feel this way. I start thinking how he is out carrying on an here I am sick over the situation! I did recently hear from him and we did clear something's up, like he still not ready to quit drinking. I told him "you are grown and when YOU decide that you have had enough, you will stop" A's don't to anything for anybody but themselves and the sooner we accept it, the saner we will be. Hang in there! (((Hugs)))

teresasue

I have been hinted to , not by Abf, to cut ties and no contact. No matter what, this has been painful for me and i know it wont be painful for my ABF. I am sorry you are going thru this. I an too. It is 7:30pm and I am already in bed due to the sadness.
I am sure my ABF is either drunk or with another women... cause "that is the way he rolls"....His quote..Ugh!!!

teresasue

I give you hugs too and support. We need this place to seek each other and get thru these trying times in our life...

SteppingStone

I know what you mean Teresa,

Its now 2.10am on Monday morning and I have been in bed since 7pm on Saturday evening.

teresasue

For some reason sleeping for me is so much easier than trying to put on a false face for the day until monday rolls around. i know u r sad. I am sad myself and cry intermittently. Hey at least we wont drown ourselves in alcohol... crying is healthy ...

teresasue

steppingstone, wish we could hug it all away... this pain will pass, this i have to believe...
Love hurts and the Love will heal us, right? by loving ourselves more.

spiderqueen

Hi Stepping Stone,
I had to go on without my XABF, too (mine claims to be in recovery, but it's hogwash in his case).

My daughters are my guiding lights, too, when it gets all dim and murky, and I fall back to thinking maybe we can work things out, maybe I can *help* him, support him.

Our daughters need us at full capacity; not distracted, anxious and worried, "supporting" full grown men who can damn well take care of themselves.

Our daughters are learning from us, Stepping Stone. And we can show them what a strong, self-sufficient woman who takes care of HERSELF and her CHILDREN looks like.

Right there with you,
SQ

csd

I feel your pain, but you know the old saying, if you love someone set them free, if they come back to you work on it, if they go back to drinking, they were never yours to begin with. ( that just probably sounds terrible ) but anyway, I can attest to time makes it easier. best wishes.

LightInside

How are you several days later, Stepping Stone? This sucks a lot, doesn't it?

SteppingStone

Thanks to all for your advice.

LightInside,

I'm so touched that you are checking back on me, it means a lot. I'm having up & down days but I suppose it's better than having all down days. My RAXBF still gets in touch now & then and I know this isn't a good idea but it seems to be getting me through at the moment. Although, I'm now getting to the point that I'm pretty sure I don't want him back - couldn't go back to that life.

I also went to my 1st Families Anonymous meeting 2 nights ago and I felt great afterwards! I can't put my finger on the exact reason why but I couldn't stop smiling when I got home I'm definitely going back next week.

Love & Serenity to you all xx

SherylB

I'm so sorry you're going through this now. My AH left me a week ago yesterday with no contact except an email and a few texts. He hasn't called me or our 9-year-old daughter since he's been gone. I don't understand how these people can just shut off all contact, but they must have to in order to survive. I guess it's too much for them to love us when they don't love themselves. It's very sad and I'm very, very sorry for you and want you to know that I know exactly how you're feeling right now. Everyone here will support you when you need guidance. They have helped me a great deal already in just a short one week timeframe. Hang in there! I'm far from at a good place, but I feel as though I might get there eventually.

hopeful4

SteppingStone...what a difference some time makes! I am so happy to hear you say you cannot go back to that life. Also so happy to hear you say you went to a FA meeting. There have been so many nights I have wanted to skip Celebrate Recovery for one reason or another. I am ALWAYS glad I went. Every single time I have went (and it's been almost 4 years i've been going) I feel better about myself and my life.

Keep up the good work!

Sheryl....I am so sorry for you and your daughter also. It is amazing that they can turn off communication w/their own children. But then again, they are very child like themselves so it should not be so surprising. Addicts are greedy, sneaky and very bad with communication.

Hugs and Many Blessings to you both!

bird13

this is going to sound weird to write, but maybe it helps with the pain. In my case after a year I broke up with him, was missing him and went back after 1 week…. fast forward 2 1/2 years later of even more abuse, drinking, and other very serious life changing matters that happened.. I looked back on that and wished I had stayed away the first time I left. Tried to leave this past summer after realizing that and was just starting to feel OK when I went to see him and BAM. Another 6 months, just as bad!!!!! and harder to leave, looking back thinking why didn't I stay away!!!! Sometimes I wish he would just do this to me to make the agony easier. At least you don't have to doubt a decision YOU made, and they change their mind like they change their underwear. Even in early recovery they are still wrecks so they may just come back tomorrow. The bigger question is what do you want b/c you may very well have the chance to take him back again. Sometimes I wonder, even if he gets sober and I am not with him…. what did I lose? I can marry someone who treats me better, who I never have to worry will " relapse" and have a dependable healthy loyal husband.