the post breakup "I miss you" email!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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the post breakup "I miss you" email!
My co-dependency is on a rampage because my ex boyfriend marijuana addict wrote to me after very little contact for about 2 months to say how much he misses me, how he took me for granted, how he misses this or that.
A little backstory - we were living together for about a year. At the beginning I had no real idea how heavy of a weed smoker he was, but he was high most of the time it turns out, and as a result had chronic financial, employment issues and generally lacked empathy and perspective. I became pregnant accidentally and we decided that due to financial and emotional instability that I would terminate the pregnancy. I also quite honestly didn't feel good about trying to raise a child with someone who is high all the time, but of course, at the time of decision I tried to "spare" him of that truth.
Immediately following the abortion he turned on me, told me what a terrible person I was, how weak, selfish etc. We fought on and off (some great honeymoon periods, somehow) for a few months until finally after a fight where he told me he used to want to marry me, but now after what "I had done", he no longer thought of me as a marriagable person. Finally in that discussion he told me he didn't feel the same way, and by some kind of miracle of grace, I didn't fight him and loved him and myself enough to let him go. Throughout the breakup he was often dismissive at best, and sometimes just flat out cruel, calling me an a**hole over text, that type of thing. A few weeks later, I had sold most of my household belongings and put the rest into storage and I have moved to a different country for a few months to learn a new language and to expand on my musical studies/experience.
Two days ago he sent me an email saying how much he misses me, etc. Some of it was quite redeeming, but there was no real mention of his drug use as being a real problem, and no recognition or apology for his lack of support and judgment for me for OUR decision to abort. I waited about a day to reply and worked on a couple of drafts. Finally I wrote to him and was finally totally honest with him. I told him that I think his addiction was in control of his life, and not vice versa. I told him that when I found out I was pregnant, I could not imagine or cope with the stress of having a baby with so little support and with someone who is high all day. I feel awful because I think that will really, really hurt him - he wants to be a father so much. I told him that I didn't blame him at all for the obsessive amounts of focus and energy I put on him, that I was sorry for ever telling him how to live his life and getting angry that he wouldn't change, just because I was scared to leave him and make a hard choice for myself. I told him I was sorry for being co-dependent, more or less. I told him that I couldn't have any kind of relationship or contact with him until he'd been sober for at least 6 months.
And now I am FREAKING out. I feel totally broken. I felt like I wanted to just disappear last night thinking about it. I feel devastated actually. Because now he's really gone. Because he won't ever become sober, and I know this. And now I'll never be in his life again. I know on one level that it's likely for the best, for him and for me. But it's really hard, because I think my email probably really really hurt him. For him to reach out to me even a little had to have been a big deal. And so I feel like a bad person, for kicking him when he was down. But I had to be honest with him, finally, because so few people in his life really are. He's surrounded by enabling friends and family. And so once again, I'm the bad guy I guess.
It also made me so sad, because I WISHED that him just saying he missed me, and missed certain superficial or situational things about me and our relationship, I wished that that was enough for me to go home, and go back to him. But it's just like so far gone now. So I still feel like I'm at the bottom of the well right now. I'm trying really really hard, by creating a new and challenging situation for myself, meeting new people, all of it. I don't think you can do much more than I have to physically move on from someone to be honest. And it's still so difficult. It's the most painful time of my life.
Thanks for listening. Love to all of you for your own struggles.
A little backstory - we were living together for about a year. At the beginning I had no real idea how heavy of a weed smoker he was, but he was high most of the time it turns out, and as a result had chronic financial, employment issues and generally lacked empathy and perspective. I became pregnant accidentally and we decided that due to financial and emotional instability that I would terminate the pregnancy. I also quite honestly didn't feel good about trying to raise a child with someone who is high all the time, but of course, at the time of decision I tried to "spare" him of that truth.
Immediately following the abortion he turned on me, told me what a terrible person I was, how weak, selfish etc. We fought on and off (some great honeymoon periods, somehow) for a few months until finally after a fight where he told me he used to want to marry me, but now after what "I had done", he no longer thought of me as a marriagable person. Finally in that discussion he told me he didn't feel the same way, and by some kind of miracle of grace, I didn't fight him and loved him and myself enough to let him go. Throughout the breakup he was often dismissive at best, and sometimes just flat out cruel, calling me an a**hole over text, that type of thing. A few weeks later, I had sold most of my household belongings and put the rest into storage and I have moved to a different country for a few months to learn a new language and to expand on my musical studies/experience.
Two days ago he sent me an email saying how much he misses me, etc. Some of it was quite redeeming, but there was no real mention of his drug use as being a real problem, and no recognition or apology for his lack of support and judgment for me for OUR decision to abort. I waited about a day to reply and worked on a couple of drafts. Finally I wrote to him and was finally totally honest with him. I told him that I think his addiction was in control of his life, and not vice versa. I told him that when I found out I was pregnant, I could not imagine or cope with the stress of having a baby with so little support and with someone who is high all day. I feel awful because I think that will really, really hurt him - he wants to be a father so much. I told him that I didn't blame him at all for the obsessive amounts of focus and energy I put on him, that I was sorry for ever telling him how to live his life and getting angry that he wouldn't change, just because I was scared to leave him and make a hard choice for myself. I told him I was sorry for being co-dependent, more or less. I told him that I couldn't have any kind of relationship or contact with him until he'd been sober for at least 6 months.
And now I am FREAKING out. I feel totally broken. I felt like I wanted to just disappear last night thinking about it. I feel devastated actually. Because now he's really gone. Because he won't ever become sober, and I know this. And now I'll never be in his life again. I know on one level that it's likely for the best, for him and for me. But it's really hard, because I think my email probably really really hurt him. For him to reach out to me even a little had to have been a big deal. And so I feel like a bad person, for kicking him when he was down. But I had to be honest with him, finally, because so few people in his life really are. He's surrounded by enabling friends and family. And so once again, I'm the bad guy I guess.
It also made me so sad, because I WISHED that him just saying he missed me, and missed certain superficial or situational things about me and our relationship, I wished that that was enough for me to go home, and go back to him. But it's just like so far gone now. So I still feel like I'm at the bottom of the well right now. I'm trying really really hard, by creating a new and challenging situation for myself, meeting new people, all of it. I don't think you can do much more than I have to physically move on from someone to be honest. And it's still so difficult. It's the most painful time of my life.
Thanks for listening. Love to all of you for your own struggles.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I know it really hard to leave a relationship and feeling that its permanent,
If nothing has changed, drug-wise, its good to keep away. Love in an unhealthy relationship = pain and hurt.
I have always wanted to see the potential in people. Really it sounds like he has but we have to live with what is presented. He is presenting nothing different than what you left.
Hugs to you.
If nothing has changed, drug-wise, its good to keep away. Love in an unhealthy relationship = pain and hurt.
I have always wanted to see the potential in people. Really it sounds like he has but we have to live with what is presented. He is presenting nothing different than what you left.
Hugs to you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Remember...if you allow him to disrupt your life, he will.
If you've had enough of his act, then do what you need to do to protect yourself.
It's really that simple, choosing to be done.
ZoSo
If you've had enough of his act, then do what you need to do to protect yourself.
It's really that simple, choosing to be done.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I’m so sorry you’re hurting, cazer. I have experienced the deep pain of a breakup with an addict/alcoholic. The first time was when my husband left me and our three children, and then again many years later when I fell in love with another addict/alcoholic. In both cases, I felt a level of emotional pain I didn't know existed. It is hellish and I truly am sorry that you’re hurting this way.
First, I want to encourage you to stay strong in your decision to not return to your ex. You said that it is likely for the best, but you are afraid that your email will likely hurt him. I hear you worrying about him. Keep your focus on you. I struggled with hurting my xabf, too. But the bottom line with an active addict is that they are self-centered. While we worry about them, they worry about themselves more than they do us. Please don’t worry about him. He has made choices that have led to consequences—they are his to own, even if they hurt him. You are not the bad guy.
I understand wanting to hear that he missed you. Rejection/abandonment can make us feel deeply insecure. We need to be validated. To hear that we are missed can take away the sting, the pain, but it doesn't get to the root of the problem. He is still an addict. You are still a girl who chose a relationship with an addict. The real healing will begin when you start to look at yourself, for yourself, to learn what caused you to choose to stay with him even after you knew of his addiction. The real healing will be apart from him and can’t happen while you obsess about him or the loss of your relationship. I say that with a lot of love and understanding, because I have been where you are. I still love my xabf, but am happily, peacefully, and willingly out of that relationship now. Stay strong and keep posting here. We are here for you.
First, I want to encourage you to stay strong in your decision to not return to your ex. You said that it is likely for the best, but you are afraid that your email will likely hurt him. I hear you worrying about him. Keep your focus on you. I struggled with hurting my xabf, too. But the bottom line with an active addict is that they are self-centered. While we worry about them, they worry about themselves more than they do us. Please don’t worry about him. He has made choices that have led to consequences—they are his to own, even if they hurt him. You are not the bad guy.
I understand wanting to hear that he missed you. Rejection/abandonment can make us feel deeply insecure. We need to be validated. To hear that we are missed can take away the sting, the pain, but it doesn't get to the root of the problem. He is still an addict. You are still a girl who chose a relationship with an addict. The real healing will begin when you start to look at yourself, for yourself, to learn what caused you to choose to stay with him even after you knew of his addiction. The real healing will be apart from him and can’t happen while you obsess about him or the loss of your relationship. I say that with a lot of love and understanding, because I have been where you are. I still love my xabf, but am happily, peacefully, and willingly out of that relationship now. Stay strong and keep posting here. We are here for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It is classic manipulation.
If you did decide to reunite with him, it would likely be a matter of days before he is "dismissive" and "cruel." He has not changed. Not at a deep level.
It is addict self-interest and self-pity. He misses what you did FOR him.
If you did decide to reunite with him, it would likely be a matter of days before he is "dismissive" and "cruel." He has not changed. Not at a deep level.
It is addict self-interest and self-pity. He misses what you did FOR him.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
EnglishGarden is right: his recent contact with you is classic manipulation... And what you're experiencing now is classic co-dependence.
One of the main things that I couldn't let go of during my 4-year relationship was the feeling that absolutely no one else would ever be able to put up with the behavior of my partner – the guilt that I felt when I thought about leaving was overwhelming because I was worried about HIM. "He'll be all alone because I'm the only one who can handle him." "He's unable to negotiate in the world -- it's too much. I need to be here for him." Stuff like that.
Well, in a way, it was true – although I'm not the ONLY person in the world who can "understand" him, the reality is that only another very sick person like me would willingly put himself into a relationship with my former companion. The lack of empathy, the odd behavior, the anti-social attitude, the hot & cold, the silent treatment, the listless attitude, the abusive language, the degrading comments, the questionable hygiene, the drama, the victimization... <-- THAT is what I felt was what I deserved (and that's without even mentioning the drug use and the absolute insanity that came with that, including quite a bit of physical violence.) Even one of those negative qualities would make a healthy person think twice about a relationship, but not me; I saw it as a challenge. I was so filled with self-loathing that I felt that only by dedicating myself to HIS happiness could I BEGIN to redeem myself.
This is your time to work on yourself, and you've really only just started. There's a long road ahead, but it's leading towards the light. Stay strong and don't look back.
One of the main things that I couldn't let go of during my 4-year relationship was the feeling that absolutely no one else would ever be able to put up with the behavior of my partner – the guilt that I felt when I thought about leaving was overwhelming because I was worried about HIM. "He'll be all alone because I'm the only one who can handle him." "He's unable to negotiate in the world -- it's too much. I need to be here for him." Stuff like that.
Well, in a way, it was true – although I'm not the ONLY person in the world who can "understand" him, the reality is that only another very sick person like me would willingly put himself into a relationship with my former companion. The lack of empathy, the odd behavior, the anti-social attitude, the hot & cold, the silent treatment, the listless attitude, the abusive language, the degrading comments, the questionable hygiene, the drama, the victimization... <-- THAT is what I felt was what I deserved (and that's without even mentioning the drug use and the absolute insanity that came with that, including quite a bit of physical violence.) Even one of those negative qualities would make a healthy person think twice about a relationship, but not me; I saw it as a challenge. I was so filled with self-loathing that I felt that only by dedicating myself to HIS happiness could I BEGIN to redeem myself.
This is your time to work on yourself, and you've really only just started. There's a long road ahead, but it's leading towards the light. Stay strong and don't look back.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
cazer, i've no doubt your email will be a shock to him, after all you've moved out of your assigned role. He's supposed to be one who points out the faults in your behaviour, not the other way around. If he has some insight into himself your email might help him, but don't count on it. Years of drug use and enabling friends who shield him will have affected his brain.
Just interested, do you think you could have written that email without a healthy distance between the two of you? Healthy for you I mean. Has the time given you a chance to heal from your codie behaviour?
Just interested, do you think you could have written that email without a healthy distance between the two of you? Healthy for you I mean. Has the time given you a chance to heal from your codie behaviour?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 17
It's been a strange few days since this initial email. He responded as best I could have hoped to my brutally honest email - he admitted he has a problem and says he's seeking help. I have no idea if that's actually true, because as I mentioned, I'm very far away. We exchanged a couple of loving "I'm sorry" and "I wish things had been better" emails. And then yesterday he told me that he hoped that one day he could thank me. And, while I appreciate the sentiment, it also made me very angry. I never wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to have a partnership...so badly. I don't need to be thanked for waking up another man. I would like to be chosen by someone who knows himself, not thanked by a guy who blundered his way through things with me and later regrets it. Screw thank yous. And that was more or less the tone of my last email to him. So, I suspect that's it for contact. I know that that's for the best. He has so much work to do, and none of it may work for him in the end. He might choose to keep using. He might not be a better person without the drugs anyways. I know that my journey has to continue, regardless of his. It's been a really painful few days though. I've been thinking about him so much again and missing all of the good aspects of our relationship again, which was something I'd gained some space from before he contacted me. To be honest, I think his initial email was an attempt at manipulation. I think my response shocked the hell out of him and maybe, just maybe, actually shook him up a little and brought his behavior to his attention. I really hope so. Otherwise this is the most elaborate bit of ******** I've ever been a part of.
In response to FeelingGreat, I think time and physical distance has given me some time to at the least recognize my codie behavior. I think I was starting to wake up to it a few months before we broke up, where I realized how obsessive I had been with him at different points, and I was realizing that he wasn't necessarily a fixture in my future, and so I'd better start getting busy making some choices that were just for me. It was very surprising to me that after we broke up, I made zero attempts at reconciliation or contact "to talk" about things (classic ways to try and get back in, right?). So I think a part of me has been trying to disentangle myself from my codependence for a while. I have a lot of self awareness. Unfortunately, the hardest part about healing from codependency, I think anyways, is developing more self-love and self-esteem. No one who genuinely feels worthy would ever tolerate living with an addict. So now that's where my battle is. I'm trying to find ways to develop more esteem and love for myself, and I'm quite scared at how difficult that really is for me.
In response to FeelingGreat, I think time and physical distance has given me some time to at the least recognize my codie behavior. I think I was starting to wake up to it a few months before we broke up, where I realized how obsessive I had been with him at different points, and I was realizing that he wasn't necessarily a fixture in my future, and so I'd better start getting busy making some choices that were just for me. It was very surprising to me that after we broke up, I made zero attempts at reconciliation or contact "to talk" about things (classic ways to try and get back in, right?). So I think a part of me has been trying to disentangle myself from my codependence for a while. I have a lot of self awareness. Unfortunately, the hardest part about healing from codependency, I think anyways, is developing more self-love and self-esteem. No one who genuinely feels worthy would ever tolerate living with an addict. So now that's where my battle is. I'm trying to find ways to develop more esteem and love for myself, and I'm quite scared at how difficult that really is for me.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I just had a brutal email exchange with him. I asked him if some of his recent guilt was due to infidelity - there were a few questionable instances that never felt ok with me. And he totally freaked out, told me absolutely not, for the last time, he's never cheated on me. And that I could take his apology or leave it, he doesn't care, I'm out of his life now.
I feel really stupid, because I was hoping that one day we could be together again. But I'm realizing he doesn't love me at all, not really. Because he just turned, on a dime. One minute he was writing with compassion and what seemed like empathy, and then as soon as I raise an eyebrow, he lashed out again. It was back to the same stuff - him telling me I'm insecure and ****** up.
I wish I felt like I knew how to be happy. I don't feel like I do at all. I feel really stupid for continuing to make the same mistakes, with different people sometimes, but in this case, all with the same guy. I can't believe I let him in as much as I did because of an email.
I feel really stupid, because I was hoping that one day we could be together again. But I'm realizing he doesn't love me at all, not really. Because he just turned, on a dime. One minute he was writing with compassion and what seemed like empathy, and then as soon as I raise an eyebrow, he lashed out again. It was back to the same stuff - him telling me I'm insecure and ****** up.
I wish I felt like I knew how to be happy. I don't feel like I do at all. I feel really stupid for continuing to make the same mistakes, with different people sometimes, but in this case, all with the same guy. I can't believe I let him in as much as I did because of an email.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
We lose our innocence in the course of our encounters with addicts. Do not be ashamed because of the hard realities which continue to shake you up. It is part of the awakening process, and necessary for your growth. With each disillusionment, you become clearer about what is real, what is not, and better able to discern others' real motives. Most of us here have placed on other people in our lives qualities they do not really have, and assumed they felt emotions they did not really feel. This sets up a dishonest relationship from the start, and eventually, the illusions will be shattered.
But the outcome, if we accept the reality we finally see, is that we are clearer about who we are and what kind of people are good for us, for our lives, and worthy of committing ourselves to.
So many codependents commit to the potential they see in another person. The long-timers here repeat that truth, but when someone is lost in romantic illusions, the cautionary statements are usually dismissed by the newcomers who are dealing with addicts for the first time.
The basic fact is that addiction is a condition which distorts a human being to the core and disqualifies that person for intimate relationship. And it is a lifelong condition. And many addicts--most addicts, it is said--do not get well enough to be good partners. Addiction interferes with the capacity to attend to another person's soul.....and anyone in relationship with an addict for any length of time will tell you how lonely it is to share a life with someone who is so completely self-absorbed.
The goal for you and for all of us is not so much to "know how to be happy." It is, I think, to be able to accept reality and deal with it. Happiness comes and goes. Life is hard and hard work. And often the reason we feel so much pain is because we cling to someone, or to a life, which we should have let go of.
You're growing and learning about life. There is no reason to be ashamed for any wrong turns. Most of them have had a purpose.
But the outcome, if we accept the reality we finally see, is that we are clearer about who we are and what kind of people are good for us, for our lives, and worthy of committing ourselves to.
So many codependents commit to the potential they see in another person. The long-timers here repeat that truth, but when someone is lost in romantic illusions, the cautionary statements are usually dismissed by the newcomers who are dealing with addicts for the first time.
The basic fact is that addiction is a condition which distorts a human being to the core and disqualifies that person for intimate relationship. And it is a lifelong condition. And many addicts--most addicts, it is said--do not get well enough to be good partners. Addiction interferes with the capacity to attend to another person's soul.....and anyone in relationship with an addict for any length of time will tell you how lonely it is to share a life with someone who is so completely self-absorbed.
The goal for you and for all of us is not so much to "know how to be happy." It is, I think, to be able to accept reality and deal with it. Happiness comes and goes. Life is hard and hard work. And often the reason we feel so much pain is because we cling to someone, or to a life, which we should have let go of.
You're growing and learning about life. There is no reason to be ashamed for any wrong turns. Most of them have had a purpose.
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