Daughter of Alcoholics
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 1
Daughter of Alcoholics
My family is a little different than most- my dad is 15 years older than my mom, my mom was told she couldn't have kids, so they adopted my older sister (who is 13 years older than me). Then, me and my younger sister come along as a surprise. My family is close but not that close- there are a lot of secrets. For a long time, all I knew was that when my older sister was ten, my mom went to rehab for six months for alcoholism. Growing up, I knew my mom had been an alcoholic and she had been sober for awhile. My dad drank- he wasn't an alcoholic, he was more of an alcohol abuser (as in, he didn't wake up needed alcohol, but if he drank he would be wasted). He would quit for awhile, and then start up again. But, as far as I was concerned, my life was fine- my mom wasn't drinking, and while my dad would get drunk (I hated him drunk), it still was a good upbringing.
But that changed about four years ago. I studied abroad in South Africa, my mom and I did a train trip for a week before I started, and on the train it was free alcohol. My mom drank wine a couple times, all the time telling me it was okay as long as it was wine. She only ever had a glass at a time, and I believed her. At that point, I thought she would be okay. She never drank around me for awhile, and to be honest I never thought much of it. About two years ago, she started to want to drink more- at first, it was just on trips- we would get a four pack of the little bottles and split. She still never got drunk (that I could see), and it seemed to be okay. I guess I was innocent then. About 8 months ago, her and I went to Cabo and did an all inclusive hotel. She mostly stuck to wine but she did have bloody marys by the pool (she said that as long as she stuck to wine she would be okay, I don't know why I didn't see the signs then).
Basically, about three months ago, things got bad. For awhile, she would have a glass of wine a night or two glasses- not ever night from what I could tell, but now I don't know. But, three months ago, my little sister picked up my mom from the airport drunk- she had been drinking bloody marys the entire flight- and then my mom asked my sister to take her to the store to get more wine. About three weeks later, when I was home, both her and my dad were drunk, and then got in a huge fight over nothing. Then about two weeks after that, both my parents visited me. During the day, while my dad was taking care of my car, my mom started to sneak vodka out of my freezer- I saw her do it and yet said nothing. I was still in denial. During all this time, my older sister (S) had been suspicious about my mom. I always thought S had it in for my mom, but now I know she was right.
It accumulated about a week ago- I called my parents at 4 PM on Friday to talk to them about my exam I had just gotten feedback on. I had to repeat to my mom three times about why I was calling, she was rambling and talking about random things. I ignored the facts of her being drunk, but now I accept it.
Two days ago, I got a hysterical phone call from my older sister about how my mom had relapsed. S said that she came over to my parents house, my mom knew she was coming, and my mom was passed out drunk in her bedroom with the door locked. S had to take the lock off the door, because even though she had been banging on the door my mom did not answer. My mom was delirious, she repeated the conversation multiple times and was lying to S. S even talked to my dad about it, but my dad is in denial- he doesn't want to deal with it, doesn't know what to do, won't give up drinking to help my mom. They both have problems, they both need treatment but they won't do it.
So, I know it's a long story. I am angry at my mom- she had been a role model to me, someone who could overcome this disease- but she relapsed. I am angry at my dad because he is letting it happen. I feel angry. I feel guilty. And I don't know what to do. And every day I am scared to death I am going to turn into my parents.
But that changed about four years ago. I studied abroad in South Africa, my mom and I did a train trip for a week before I started, and on the train it was free alcohol. My mom drank wine a couple times, all the time telling me it was okay as long as it was wine. She only ever had a glass at a time, and I believed her. At that point, I thought she would be okay. She never drank around me for awhile, and to be honest I never thought much of it. About two years ago, she started to want to drink more- at first, it was just on trips- we would get a four pack of the little bottles and split. She still never got drunk (that I could see), and it seemed to be okay. I guess I was innocent then. About 8 months ago, her and I went to Cabo and did an all inclusive hotel. She mostly stuck to wine but she did have bloody marys by the pool (she said that as long as she stuck to wine she would be okay, I don't know why I didn't see the signs then).
Basically, about three months ago, things got bad. For awhile, she would have a glass of wine a night or two glasses- not ever night from what I could tell, but now I don't know. But, three months ago, my little sister picked up my mom from the airport drunk- she had been drinking bloody marys the entire flight- and then my mom asked my sister to take her to the store to get more wine. About three weeks later, when I was home, both her and my dad were drunk, and then got in a huge fight over nothing. Then about two weeks after that, both my parents visited me. During the day, while my dad was taking care of my car, my mom started to sneak vodka out of my freezer- I saw her do it and yet said nothing. I was still in denial. During all this time, my older sister (S) had been suspicious about my mom. I always thought S had it in for my mom, but now I know she was right.
It accumulated about a week ago- I called my parents at 4 PM on Friday to talk to them about my exam I had just gotten feedback on. I had to repeat to my mom three times about why I was calling, she was rambling and talking about random things. I ignored the facts of her being drunk, but now I accept it.
Two days ago, I got a hysterical phone call from my older sister about how my mom had relapsed. S said that she came over to my parents house, my mom knew she was coming, and my mom was passed out drunk in her bedroom with the door locked. S had to take the lock off the door, because even though she had been banging on the door my mom did not answer. My mom was delirious, she repeated the conversation multiple times and was lying to S. S even talked to my dad about it, but my dad is in denial- he doesn't want to deal with it, doesn't know what to do, won't give up drinking to help my mom. They both have problems, they both need treatment but they won't do it.
So, I know it's a long story. I am angry at my mom- she had been a role model to me, someone who could overcome this disease- but she relapsed. I am angry at my dad because he is letting it happen. I feel angry. I feel guilty. And I don't know what to do. And every day I am scared to death I am going to turn into my parents.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Welcome to SR saintssw, there is a lot of information and support here.
First you father is not letting it happen anymore than you are. Your mothers problem is her own just as your fathers is his own. You are not the cause or the cure. Your father could stop drinking today or your mother for that matter, that will not cause the other to quit. They have to want to quit for themselves.
It is difficult knowing and accepting there is nothing you can do for either. They have to at some point come to that decision on their own and in their own time.
In the mean time all you can do it take care of yourself and not let their actions control your life. Take it easy and take care of you.
First you father is not letting it happen anymore than you are. Your mothers problem is her own just as your fathers is his own. You are not the cause or the cure. Your father could stop drinking today or your mother for that matter, that will not cause the other to quit. They have to want to quit for themselves.
It is difficult knowing and accepting there is nothing you can do for either. They have to at some point come to that decision on their own and in their own time.
In the mean time all you can do it take care of yourself and not let their actions control your life. Take it easy and take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I am so sorry. My mom has become an alcoholic, too. I understand how stressful and sad and hopeless you must feel. I have gone to a few Alanon meetings and it has helped me a lot. I also quit drinking (I think I was more of a problem drinker like you Dad, but I didn't want to progress like my mom has progressed). Although, I cannot cure or control my mom's drinking, with me not drinking, she seems to be "watching" more, at least around me. I wish you the best!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Awe sweetie I am so sorry you are going through this.
What you are saying about your father means he is a binge drinker. They are also alcoholics. Your mom is an alcoholic and her saying as long as it is wine is fine? That is a cover up and denial. They are both still in denial. As the above poster said, you are not responsible for your parents actions. They are. They need help but as long as they are in denial they will not take it as they are not ready. They have to WANT to get help.
As far as you turning out like them, you are obviously articulate and wise beyond your years I would guess. As long as you are aware of this situation and truly don't want this for yourself it will not happen. I am happy to hear this fear because it will keep you aware that this is not what you want in your own life.
Please please get into Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or some sort of group that you have an outlet and support for yourself. You are not in this alone and don't have to take the weight of the world and your parents on your own shoulders.
Many prayers and hugs to you! Keep posting, you are not alone!
What you are saying about your father means he is a binge drinker. They are also alcoholics. Your mom is an alcoholic and her saying as long as it is wine is fine? That is a cover up and denial. They are both still in denial. As the above poster said, you are not responsible for your parents actions. They are. They need help but as long as they are in denial they will not take it as they are not ready. They have to WANT to get help.
As far as you turning out like them, you are obviously articulate and wise beyond your years I would guess. As long as you are aware of this situation and truly don't want this for yourself it will not happen. I am happy to hear this fear because it will keep you aware that this is not what you want in your own life.
Please please get into Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or some sort of group that you have an outlet and support for yourself. You are not in this alone and don't have to take the weight of the world and your parents on your own shoulders.
Many prayers and hugs to you! Keep posting, you are not alone!
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