Is He Really Just Masking His Regrets??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Is He Really Just Masking His Regrets??
Hello again,
I believe that my ABF and I have come to a crossroads. He continuously told me Sunday night and Monday morning that either I leave or he leaves. I offered to leave because I don't want a large house payment and I really don't want to make him leave that home. I have been extremely kind to him in all of this. He was my first crush when I was 13...I've known him for years and I begged him not to make this ugly...there's no reason we can't stay friends. I actually love him, but I can't live this roller coaster ride anymore. I understand that he has this issue and I know that he's not intentionally an alcoholic...but I also understand that he's not choosing to do anything about it.
I'm just flabbergasted that he's willing to give up his entire family for stupid alcohol...it just seems so idiotic to me. He and his daughter got into an argument yesterday because he was trying to tell her that I was leaving for other reasons and it had nothing to do with his drinking. She responded, "Well, I'M leaving because of your drinking"....and she walked out the door and most likely won't be back for a long time. Shouldn't that have jolted something in him??? What will it take?
The few minutes I saw him on Monday night when he wasn't drunk he said that he didn't want me to leave...I told him we could talk about it when I got back from the store, but he was too drunk by that time (half a bottle of jager within an hour), and I asked to table the conversation until he's sober. He hasn't been since. I just want out...but I dread the road there.
I believe that my ABF and I have come to a crossroads. He continuously told me Sunday night and Monday morning that either I leave or he leaves. I offered to leave because I don't want a large house payment and I really don't want to make him leave that home. I have been extremely kind to him in all of this. He was my first crush when I was 13...I've known him for years and I begged him not to make this ugly...there's no reason we can't stay friends. I actually love him, but I can't live this roller coaster ride anymore. I understand that he has this issue and I know that he's not intentionally an alcoholic...but I also understand that he's not choosing to do anything about it.
I'm just flabbergasted that he's willing to give up his entire family for stupid alcohol...it just seems so idiotic to me. He and his daughter got into an argument yesterday because he was trying to tell her that I was leaving for other reasons and it had nothing to do with his drinking. She responded, "Well, I'M leaving because of your drinking"....and she walked out the door and most likely won't be back for a long time. Shouldn't that have jolted something in him??? What will it take?
The few minutes I saw him on Monday night when he wasn't drunk he said that he didn't want me to leave...I told him we could talk about it when I got back from the store, but he was too drunk by that time (half a bottle of jager within an hour), and I asked to table the conversation until he's sober. He hasn't been since. I just want out...but I dread the road there.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by Becki67 
I'm just flabbergasted that he's willing to give up his entire family for stupid alcohol...it just seems so idiotic to me.
I can't tell you how many jobs, friends nor how much money has been lost to this disease ~
alcoholism & addiction is cunning, baffling & powerful
the great news is that you do not have to live in that hopelessness state with them ~ you can find a better way for you ~
pink hugs
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry. They seem to have no bottom at all the way they are willing to give it all up. Keep posting, you are not alone. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope you are taking the time in all of it to work on you.
God Bless!
God Bless!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Becki, a few days ago, there was a thread about a story in the news. A house was on fire and the firefighters came, the father asked the firemen to get his children out of the house--which they were able to do.......then, the guy ran into the burning house to save several beers.
Doesn't that story just illustrate how the drink is the most important priority?
I wish I could remember the title of the thread......
dandylion
Doesn't that story just illustrate how the drink is the most important priority?
I wish I could remember the title of the thread......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Becki,
I am so sorry for everything you are going through.
No matter how much I read and learn, I continue to be amazed at what active alcoholics will forfeit for their drink. My XA has pretty much lost everything at this point - career, friends, health, me - and he's still chugging.
A 20 yr recovering alcoholic friend of mine once told me his story of getting sober. He started out saying, "I couldn't let my babies see me like that anymore" - and then his program-working self stepped up and said, "Hang on, that's a lie. Actually, I threw a cop down some stairs in a drunken brawl, sent him to the hospital, and was facing time in San Quentin. The judge gave me the option of probation/community service and 90 mtgs in 90 days. I got sober to stay out of jail."
HE DID NOT GET SOBER FOR HIS FAMILY.
The fact that he is on good terms with his kids now, and was able to be a responsible father to them after he got sober, was just dumb luck, in his case.
I am so sorry for everything you are going through.
No matter how much I read and learn, I continue to be amazed at what active alcoholics will forfeit for their drink. My XA has pretty much lost everything at this point - career, friends, health, me - and he's still chugging.
A 20 yr recovering alcoholic friend of mine once told me his story of getting sober. He started out saying, "I couldn't let my babies see me like that anymore" - and then his program-working self stepped up and said, "Hang on, that's a lie. Actually, I threw a cop down some stairs in a drunken brawl, sent him to the hospital, and was facing time in San Quentin. The judge gave me the option of probation/community service and 90 mtgs in 90 days. I got sober to stay out of jail."
HE DID NOT GET SOBER FOR HIS FAMILY.
The fact that he is on good terms with his kids now, and was able to be a responsible father to them after he got sober, was just dumb luck, in his case.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by dandylion
I wish I could remember the title of the thread......
dandylion
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by dandylion
Becki, a few days ago, there was a thread about a story in the news. A house was on fire and the firefighters came, the father asked the firemen to get his children out of the house--which they were able to do.......then, the guy ran into the burning house to save several beers.
Doesn't that story just illustrate how the drink is the most important priority?
I wish I could remember the title of the thread......
dandylion
Doesn't that story just illustrate how the drink is the most important priority?
I wish I could remember the title of the thread......
dandylion
I missed that thread.
Holy holy.....
********
It really is incredible what an alcoholic is willing to lose. And NOT lose.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Becki, an alcoholic, or addict, usually hears "I'm going to leave" but doesn't really process it. They don't think you really mean it...this time. There will always be another way around your defenses and a way to charm themselves back into your heart.
I am still up, way too late, but AH is also up because he usually is. I am off work tomorrow. he is not and i can take a nap after dropping the kids at school and hope he is GONE by then. he is In the basement doing what I don't even care to know but it isn't laundry and it smells like cat down there so he is welcome to it.
What I do know is that he brought into our house tonight our local jack of small jobs who does it because he is also an alcoholic and rakes leaves and mows to buy beer and drugs. This is my husbands one, and I mean one, friend, until the money runs out. I don't really like the guy but don't hate him either. He and AH sped off for ten minutes, probably to get high, and then came back. I am outside enjoying the warm weather when they return. My AH asks loudly "you love me right?" The jack of all trades guy says "nah, man." Husband says even louder"you love me, right?" Almost gets into a fight on the basement stairs over the issue. I looked at my husband and told him "some of the time." And I have told him lately that I love him, somewhere, but really don't like him very much.
And earlier I said I made my boundary, which scared him more than anything. I told him that if he ever again asked me to pay a drug debt or even asked me for money to buy drugs or beer, at any time, even in the early morning, I would wake the kids up and take them to my parents house and tell THEM what he is up to. He doesn't care about his parents. I don't think he cares all that much about my parents. But my parents are the ultimate in normal and my dad, even as a cardiac patient, scares the crap out of AH.
I am still up, way too late, but AH is also up because he usually is. I am off work tomorrow. he is not and i can take a nap after dropping the kids at school and hope he is GONE by then. he is In the basement doing what I don't even care to know but it isn't laundry and it smells like cat down there so he is welcome to it.
What I do know is that he brought into our house tonight our local jack of small jobs who does it because he is also an alcoholic and rakes leaves and mows to buy beer and drugs. This is my husbands one, and I mean one, friend, until the money runs out. I don't really like the guy but don't hate him either. He and AH sped off for ten minutes, probably to get high, and then came back. I am outside enjoying the warm weather when they return. My AH asks loudly "you love me right?" The jack of all trades guy says "nah, man." Husband says even louder"you love me, right?" Almost gets into a fight on the basement stairs over the issue. I looked at my husband and told him "some of the time." And I have told him lately that I love him, somewhere, but really don't like him very much.
And earlier I said I made my boundary, which scared him more than anything. I told him that if he ever again asked me to pay a drug debt or even asked me for money to buy drugs or beer, at any time, even in the early morning, I would wake the kids up and take them to my parents house and tell THEM what he is up to. He doesn't care about his parents. I don't think he cares all that much about my parents. But my parents are the ultimate in normal and my dad, even as a cardiac patient, scares the crap out of AH.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Well, this week has been interesting. He stays in the basement when I'm home and only comes up when I go to bed. I found myself getting totally pis--d off last night when I found that he took the two bottles of wine that my neighbor put into a halloween gift basket for me. I felt a rage and wanted to go into the basement and hit him with one of those empty bottles, but I took a few deep breaths, said some expletives under my breath and continued making my pumpkin swirl cheesecake. After a few vigorous stirs, I started relaxing again. I can't guarantee that I can refrain next time but I'm happy that I did it this time.
You guys are helping me realize that this is something I really don't need an answer to...it's his problem and his loss. There's nothing I can do, so I need to quit trying to figure it out.
Thanks for all your input though!
You guys are helping me realize that this is something I really don't need an answer to...it's his problem and his loss. There's nothing I can do, so I need to quit trying to figure it out.
Thanks for all your input though!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Awesome! When you said it is his problem and you will quit trying to figure it out. You just can't. Ever. It took me ages to come to that conclusion. I will never in a million years be able to figure it out and nor do I want to. It will only make me crazy.
And pumpkin swirl cheesecake is making me hungry. Sounds very yummy.
And pumpkin swirl cheesecake is making me hungry. Sounds very yummy.
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