Jeni26

Hello to all.

This is the first time I've posted in this forum, but I think it would really help me to see things from a different perspective. I hope you don't mind.

I'm an alcoholic with 17 months of sobriety, as is my husband. All my life I have known addiction. My Father is an alcoholic, my Mother his codependent enabler. I'm the eldest of 4 children, and all of us have gone on to develop addictions of our own. I have one brother who still lives with my parents at 46 years of age and who is lost in drug and alcohol addictions, and is, I believe, making what little money he has from dealing drugs.

My upbringing wasn't easy. There was a lot of violence and other abuse, but I moved away and built my own life.

Me and my husband have always drunk. I guess it was the only thing I ever knew. I fooled myself for the longest time that because our children were loved and there was no fear or violence in our home, that everything was ok for them. They seem happy well-adjusted kids despite having us as parents.

I needed to give you some background just so you can get the full picture. What I would really like some advice about is our son, who is showing signs of developing his own problems with alcohol.

Now I have no idea what 'normal' is. Do young men ALL get drunk as a sort of rite of passage? He is now drunk every weekend, last Saturday he threw up in his sleep. He is 20 years old and is otherwise a wonderful young man. He is respectful, caring and thoughtful. He loves sport and is out 4 nights a week training and playing football. He has a promising career and works full-time.

I'm honestly beside myself with worry. I feel guilty that this is a direct result of his upbringing. He would have seen me and his Dad drunk many many times. He wouldn't have seen the bad times, we kept those from him, but I worry that he doesn't believe or understand just how dangerous it is for him to drink.

I've talked to him. He knows I go to AA meetings. He has seen the improvements in our family life and in me in the past 17 months. I just don't know how to progress from here.

I do not have access to Al Anon where I live.

Is there anyone who could share their experience with me?

Thankyou.

soberhawk

It is difficult Jeni.

I have two sons almost 20.

I can recognize a lot in how the oldest uses alcohol from myself, it is not that he drinks often. It worries me how he drinks when he drinks. He has also smoked pot at times – which is a drug I dislike a lot. I do see all the families addiction genes in him.

Kids will do their own experiences. I do not think we can stop that. I try to be very open regarding how I see it and what dangerous I see in some ways of using alcohol. I try to do it in a non controlling way. I am not trying get information out of him – I am trying to ensure that he knows where I stand on this and what worries me – and also to get him do make some realizations.

I did convince him to see a counselor that specializes in addiction among young people, just so he (my son) could discuss how he uses alcohol. He went there 3 times and I do not think he has used pot since then, but he has been drinking some week-ends. I do not know what they talked about, but he did find it interesting.

His brother is a year younger, he does also drink – but he does that very differently in my view.

Maybe we can help them with some knowledge and insight so they do not waste as much energy on this as we self.

He is doing a rather serious fitness program right now and set some goals for this summer so that limits the consumption a little this winter.

We have a rotten alcohol culture among the young here it does not help, but we must do what we can to pull in the right direction.

Katchie

I have a 19 year old in college. He doesn't drink. I think watching his dad, who has never been violent, just a crazy driver, he abhors drinking.

I think what you are doing now, in setting an example of sobriety and attending AA meetings, is a wonderful thing. He obviously sees the difference.

Have you offered to take him with you to your AA meetings? Maybe hearing from the others and their experiences would be helpful?

Hammer

I would suggest you do not worry too much regarding Alanon.

mho, even as a devout Alanoner, I think they are pretty much the same thing except AA has "drunk-a-logues" sometimes, and we have "cry-alongs."

As Bart Simpson says -- same crap, different dumpster.

Work your program well -- really, really well. Do Good. It will shine brightly.

Be the Lighthouse. Mark the path.

Your son will see, Pray to God. He will hear you.

Jeni26

Yes, I have offered, but he hasn't wanted to go. I've talked to him about what happens there. I've been as open as I can with him. He knows a little of my childhood. He understands why he has never been left in the care of my parents.

I guess he has never seen the ugly face of alcoholism as I did, so he isn't scared of it. Not that I want that, but the danger isn't apparent to him.

My daughter is 17 and has an anti alcohol stance completely. She has decided (at the moment), that she doesn't want to drink, and for that I'm thankful. She says drink changes people. Ain't that the truth!

Katchie

Jeni, sounds like you're doing all you can right now. I know we are told you can't force someone into AA or alanon. Is he still in high school?
My sons, who are still under my care at home, I recently shared what alcohol abuse will do to them but I also explained they have a greater chance of being an alcoholic than others because of their dad; that it is best they don't touch the fire water or it may be just the trip wire needed to bring on full fledged alcoholism that could destroy them and their future family.
I don't believe there is anything more I can do than educate them short of putting them in a straight jacket, placing them in a padded room and spoon feeding them the rest of their lives. I don't think they'd agree to that. Instead, I will pray for them daily that God will do His perfect work in their lives.

Jeni26

No, he left school at 17 and has been working for the past 3 years. He was never an academic kid, unlike his younger sister, and dropped out of school a year early.

He works hard though and is doing really well in his career. I'm proud of him and this breaks my heart.

No, I don't know what else I can do. I guess praying for him and showing him the right way to live will need to be enough.

LifeRecovery

Jeni-

I just want to say welcome, and how impressed I am with you, your growth and your development in the last 18 months.

I hope you can appreciate how far you have come in a short period of time.

That does not make posting here easier, less scary etc, but it does mean that your son has seen your success and it is not a do as I say, not as I do situation.

soberhawk

I do not know AA, but I did not think that would be the right place for a youngster that might get problems with alcohol.

What does worry you Jen?

Is it to often or does he go over the top when he drinks?

Do you suspect that he is dissatisfied with other aspects of his life?

Jeni26

He goes over the top I guess. He doesn't drink at home but arrives back very drunk after he has been out with his friends. His girlfriend is studying in another country for a year and he's missing her. He goes out on a Friday and Saturday night most weeks. He never drinks during the week or when he's playing sport. It is making him ill on Saturdays now.

I still think it might just be a phase, but I am worried he may be more at risk than most because of his background and family history.

Thanks Soberhawk.

Jen x

jessicajoe

Hi Jeni

To be honest I drank like that at that age. So did all the friends I hung out with. I don't "think" any of the group I'm thinking of have problems with alcohol now in our mid forties.
It may well just be a "rite of passage" with him.
I'm not saying its good or right or clever only that it isn't (in my opinion) necessarily indicative of later alcoholism.
Is he more at risk because of the other factors you mentioned ? I don't know but I didn't want to ignore the fact that they were there. I grew up with an alcoholic father and neither myself or my brother drink much these days. My dad thinks his father may have been an alcoholic (he died when my dad was five) My dad lost his sister to alcoholism. I don't know.

Leana

I have 2 adult children, both did the fraternity/sorority thing in college which usually means a lot of drinking. Just as Soberhawk said I see a difference in the way my daughter drinks versus the way my son drinks. While I can count on 1 hand the number of times I have seen either of them drunk, my daughter's drinking scares me. She seems to need alcohol as a way to open up and have a better time, like she doesn't like who she is without the alcohol. My son on the other hand, has self confidence and didn't "need" to drink. I am probably not explaining this very well so my advise would be...go with your gut feeling.

hopeful4

I drank in college as did my husband, who is an alcoholic. This is what he says. "We both drank but you (meaning myself) were able to stop and move on to the next phase of our life. At that point I could not stop."

This is quite correct. I drank all the time but the difference is it was only during social times. I did not sit home alone and drink. I did not think if I missed a day I was going to freak out. I did not NEED to drink, I CHOSE to drink and I chose when to stop.

There were many times of hangovers and throwin up. I hate to say, it is pretty common in the college life and that stage of life. I think you should be able to observe the pattern.

I did not have alcoholic parents so my risk was lower. I read somewhere that if you have an alcoholic parent you are 50% more likely to have alcoholic kids. I freak out about this all the time b/c my husband is an alcoholic.

I advise you to keep a very close watch on things with him and as the poster above said, I think you will be able to tell the difference between social drinking and a binge or alcoholic problem.

Good luck and God Bless!

Ruby2

Jeni, congratulations on Your sobriety. That is fantastic. I am also an alcoholic with children so understand your concern. No one wants their child to go through this, ever.

I think most young men and now women test the waters with drinking. I certainly did back then...way back then. Binge drinking and heavy drinking was not uncommon. Most people did not become alcoholics and grew out of it. Some of us were not so fortunate.

My biggest concern was when you wrote that your son threw up in his sleep. This could be extremely dangerous because he could aspirate/inhale his vomit or choke to death. I would put that in front of him.

Hugs. This is hard.

soberhawk

Children of alcoholic have higher risk of several psychological problems, not only alcoholism. I would focus on the whole not only on how much he drinks.

I do not think either of us have been abusive towards our kids. But if we have used alcohol to numb some feelings, at least influenced us to not to be balanced persons – we have not been good mirrors for our kids when they developed their ability to handle emotions. I am at least aware of this aspect in my own sons. We can not change the past but we can be open concerning such things.

Being young with the girlfriend out of town – it could be a bad habit and nothing more. I would discuss it with him as such.

Jeni26

Thank you all so much. I will monitor things and see if or how they develop. We have talked about alcoholism and addiction very openly.

As for how he drinks...I don't know. He doesn't drink at home. We don't have drink lying around (for obvious reasons). He does it when he's out with his friends. He was fairly shy as a young boy, but now he just seems..normal. He is popular and fairly outgoing. I wouldn't say he is an extrovert, but he doesn't have the crippling under confidence I did growing up. It's just that when he does, he gets drunk. And it's happening more and more.

It doesn't help that my H doesn't see any problem with his behaviour. We will see I guess.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.