The Aftermath
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 76
The Aftermath
So today my AH is still clean and has begun his 90/90 meetings. Still waiting to hear from a rehab with an open bed. However this post is about the destruction left behind.
Back in July while I was away on a mission trip my AH signed a contract with a good friend to renovate an attic and add a new bathroom. All parties knew that I was not for this - but did it anyway. I left on Sunday, and Monday am my friend calls to say..."I just gave your husband $3000.00 to do this job, will that be a problem?" While I told her I wasn't happy about it, it was already done, so I prayed that he would complete the job. When I returned on Saturday she told me that she had given him another $1000.00 and he hadn't done any work. I helped him work at demo a bit over the weekend, and Monday she gave him another $500.00. Regardless of how many times I told her to stop giving him cash, she was afraid he would get mad and leave the job, so she would give him more money.
The job was to be done by Aug 17. Here we are the 29th of October and the attic was 95% completed, the bathroom was never done. At one point I threw my AH out of the house and she let him move in to hers (while she had thrown her ABF out) in that same time, she allowed him to use the car that her ABF had been using. What she didn't know was that the ABF cancelled the insurance on the car. Well guess what....my AH wrecked the car. They did not call the police, and now the car is parked at my house. AH realizes that he needs to take care of these problems, but is currently just trying to work on sobriety at the moment. He has asked her to give him until the end of the week and he will talk with her. She instead calls and text me non-stop telling me all the money I owe her.
I have so many emotions regarding this situation. We have been friends since we were 4 years old. She recently got out of a 20 year marriage with an alcoholic and moved a "recovering" addict into her house. We both grew up in homes with alcoholic parents. I got really angry this morning and screamed at her. I then called back and apologized for my angry words, but tried to explain to her that this is a mess my AH needs to clean up, I cannot do it for him. She has to work it out with him, besides which, I have no money to pay her. I know that I have come a LONG way in my recovery, and trying not to fix my AH's problems is big for me, but I also don't do well when others are angry with me. I could fix his problem, and in turn fix mine, but I want her to feel the consequences of dealing with an AH - not out of spite, but out of love, because I am trying to work recovery.
Just really needed to put this in writing and vent - so thanks for reading!
Back in July while I was away on a mission trip my AH signed a contract with a good friend to renovate an attic and add a new bathroom. All parties knew that I was not for this - but did it anyway. I left on Sunday, and Monday am my friend calls to say..."I just gave your husband $3000.00 to do this job, will that be a problem?" While I told her I wasn't happy about it, it was already done, so I prayed that he would complete the job. When I returned on Saturday she told me that she had given him another $1000.00 and he hadn't done any work. I helped him work at demo a bit over the weekend, and Monday she gave him another $500.00. Regardless of how many times I told her to stop giving him cash, she was afraid he would get mad and leave the job, so she would give him more money.
The job was to be done by Aug 17. Here we are the 29th of October and the attic was 95% completed, the bathroom was never done. At one point I threw my AH out of the house and she let him move in to hers (while she had thrown her ABF out) in that same time, she allowed him to use the car that her ABF had been using. What she didn't know was that the ABF cancelled the insurance on the car. Well guess what....my AH wrecked the car. They did not call the police, and now the car is parked at my house. AH realizes that he needs to take care of these problems, but is currently just trying to work on sobriety at the moment. He has asked her to give him until the end of the week and he will talk with her. She instead calls and text me non-stop telling me all the money I owe her.
I have so many emotions regarding this situation. We have been friends since we were 4 years old. She recently got out of a 20 year marriage with an alcoholic and moved a "recovering" addict into her house. We both grew up in homes with alcoholic parents. I got really angry this morning and screamed at her. I then called back and apologized for my angry words, but tried to explain to her that this is a mess my AH needs to clean up, I cannot do it for him. She has to work it out with him, besides which, I have no money to pay her. I know that I have come a LONG way in my recovery, and trying not to fix my AH's problems is big for me, but I also don't do well when others are angry with me. I could fix his problem, and in turn fix mine, but I want her to feel the consequences of dealing with an AH - not out of spite, but out of love, because I am trying to work recovery.
Just really needed to put this in writing and vent - so thanks for reading!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
What a mess!!!! And I think you are right - it isn't YOUR mess. You were asked and told them not to do this, repeatedly. You don't have to fix it. You can't fix it.
All you can do is hope that at some point somebody can direct their anger to its real target, the people who made the mess and not towards you.
ShootingStar1
All you can do is hope that at some point somebody can direct their anger to its real target, the people who made the mess and not towards you.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are correct, it is not your mess. I would be a bit more sympathetic however, she moved him into her home and let him drive her car? Those were HER choices. I'm not saying he does not need to take care of it, obviously he does. What I will say is that you do not need to take care of any of it, it is not your doing. After being w/an alcoholic family, she should absolutely have known better.
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