realitycheque

I've been living deep in the land of denial. I started binge drinking when I was 15, and now I'm 41. I don't drink every day, but I've never really tried to quit. My tolerance is pretty high and there isn't a week that's gone by without a social occasion that's ready for a good binge. I'm finding that I really can't stop when I've had more than two drinks. Seems the only way I can stop is 'last call' or running out of booze. The problem is, as soon as the fog of hangover lifts, my resolve to quit drinking evaporates too.

So here we go again...today is the first day of not drinking for a month. I've tried this once before 'to give my body a break' and failed after 3 weeks....but what should I do if I make it to 4 weeks, pat on the back and back to business as usual? Has anyone ever regained their power to control their drinking after its been lost?

Recently, I have begun to think of myself as a functional alcoholic, in that I have some dry days, don't really crave alcohol, never really hit bottom and I manage to keep myself out of trouble (skill or luck, I don't know). Perhaps it's time to just admit I'm an alcoholic when I haven't had a fully sober month in 26 years, and the only time I tried, I failed. Maybe this time I can make it to 30 days, and who knows from there. I suppose once alcohol begins to stop you from doing things that you want to do (eg. training for a long distance bicycling trip, not being hungover at work on a weekly basis), it's time to call it a problem. These couple of paragraphs have been very painful to write...maybe it's pride, maybe it's laziness (in that I'll have to do something about it now)...either way, there it is.

Dee74

Hi realitycheque - welcome

to be honest you won't find too many folks here who'll tell yuo you can take a month off and then be good to go as a 'normal drinker'

I think, once you cross that invisible line from 'take or leave it' to 'crave it', you can't go back.

Maybe you're different, but looking at your record you sound an awful lot like me.

I gave in and accepted my relationship with alcohol was toxic and always will be.

Nearly seven years on, I'm sober, I'm the real me, I'm not ashamed of myself anymore - I've never been happier

D

FeelingGreat

Hi RC, well done on your decision to give yourself a break. Alcoholics come in many shapes and sizes, and many levels of functioning. I never lost a job, never annoyed my loved ones, never got into financial trouble, but I am still an alcoholic because I craved it, couldn't go more than a day without it, and couldn't moderate. Once I accepted that, it became much easier.
A big motivator for me was that in my 50s I could only see my physical and mental health deteriorating, and I didn't feel I could choose that path. I'm much happier sober because I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

pinkdog

Hi cheque, welcome. Stick around. This is a great place for support. Read the other posts. I bet you will find good information.

Jeni26

Hello and welcome to SR. I didn't want to accept I had a problem either at first, and I wasted many years setting myself limits and boundaries. I tried giving up for a month once but I always found an excuse to break it. Functional alcoholic just means you still have a job...I never lost mine either but I turned up hungover on many many occasions.

Giving up completely has been a revelation to me. It's simple, but not easy. I don't regret it at all, life just becomes so much more manageable and all that angst and guilt just evaporates. I can't begin to tell you what freedom that gives you.

Go for it I say!

realitycheque

Thanks for the replies. I will change my plan from 'not drinking for a month' to not drinking for at least 30 days. While I don't particularly crave alcohol, I've proven beyond any reasonable doubt that I am seriously lacking self control to stop once I catch that buzz. I'm not doing this just for myself, I also want to save my relationship. I've blacked out and said things I've regretted too many times.

gaudi

As someone else said "stick around". Keep reading stuff on this site. It is brilliant. I too tried giving up before giving up. I managed about 10 weeks but business as usual returned, and escalated. So, no, you will never be a normal drinker.

Please don't forget that you can die after only one drinking binge. Choking on vomit; heart failure; a fall or any number of other issues. So please think on.

instant

Welcome. It was not until I tried to change that i realised how out of my depth I was. Your experience may be different.

Mags1

Welcome Realitycheque. You're amongst friends here and I recognise what you're saying I've regretted, binged and foggy headed. It becomes a lot clearer without fuzzy heads from hangovers, wondering when next drink is etc. well done for getting here on SR.

ImperfectlyMe

Welcome, if giving it a month helps you do it then tell yourself that. It's often pretty excruciating in the beginning to accept forever. No one here will tell you what's right for you, however after 1 month of sobriety you will not yet feel how amazing it is to live a life of complete sobriety.
Take it one day at a time and stay close to SR

Welcome aboard! Good luck

HeadLump

Hi realitycheque. I was a binge drinker. Generally, I could take it or leave it, but once I started all bets were off. Eventually, the days in between bouts got fewer and fewer and I began drinking almost every day - and almost always into oblivion or as near as I could get before the booze ran out.

The good news for me, and for you too it seems, is that I wasn't physically dependent. I was still an alcoholic but the cravings I had for alcohol were psychological not physical ones. For me, cravings mainly took hold after that first drink. I've found that if I don't have that first drink it's relatively plain sailing and the benefits are enormous!

If you're the type of drinker I was, you'll find that your obsession with drink only ever gets deeper. On the odd occasion that you are able to moderate you'll find it so frustrating and dissatisfying that going without is actually easier.

Good luck with it, realitycheque. Whatever you decide to do, stick with us. There is a huge amount of support, experience, wisdom and compassion on this site

Croissant

Welcome Reality Cheque.

Whatever path you choose is up to you. It's great (and confronting) to really explore our relationship with alcohol. Tough, heartbreaking...but being present,really being able to make choice based on a clear mind is unimaginable until you take that first step.

A month felt insurmountable in the beginning for me....it was baby steps...let me get past 5 o'clock, let me have a plan for tonight/this weekend, let me get through feeling bored when I would normally have a drink in my hand.

We are all here and you have so many threads of stories....and support when you need it. Go for it!

Louise82

Welcome, realitycheque. As you say, your opening post was painful to write so I admire you and thank you for your honesty and for your courage in reaching out.

DoubleDragons

Hi, RC. Welcome! I am 42, drank since I was 15, never really took any time off from it (except pregnancies). I haven't had any ramifications from my drinking except some embarrassing episodes and I just finished a month sober and I don't see myself ever going back to drinking. The upside to drinking just isn't that big compared to the upside of living sober. I did these 30 days through the wonderful help of the people at SR (essentially the only sober non-drinking people in my life other than my children) and tons of reading.

I wish you the best!

dizzychainsaw

Welcome

unchartedxo

This is me in a nutshell. I have gone months without drinking... but once I did drink again, I am not a "have a few and leave it" kind of girl. and I too have made my relationship suffer from my drunken irrational fighting with my s.o.

I read someone say this once: It doesn't matter if you drink a little everyday or drink a lot once in a while, if you don't have control over alcohol... if alcohol has control over you, then you are not a "normal" drinker. That rocked my world. It doesn't matter if I can abstain from drinking for a long period of time, because I know when I drink again I will drink until unconscious.

realitycheque

Day 2 was much harder than anticipated. I felt like a cornered rat. Everywhere I turned, there were traps set for me. All day I just wanted to go home from work and do nothing last night....was feeling a bit depressed and anxious. I bailed on an evening work function, bcs I knew there would be free drinks. The alternative was a small social gathering at home that my partner had organised sometime ago. Drinks offered, but declined...but I so wanted one (whatever they were bottles of). Just a sip. Fortunately, one of my non drinking friends was there and we had a brief chat about not drinking. I found my desire to drink went up when I was bored with the other conversations. Drinking from boredom was what I started when I was 15. Hopefully the weekend will be better...I will skip any drinking functions and Ive scheduled an exercise challenge for Sunday. Yes, hangover Sunday will now be used for something that I want to do.

gaudi

Well done Realitycheque. You are doing really well. Yes, I remember Day 2. Tomorrow is better. After one week it is better still. You will have blips but you will conquer them. You should be really proud of yourself.

I'm afraid conversations are quite boring when you are used to drinking through them! Also when other people have been drinking they can get more boring than usual. Grin and bear it. This, too, gets easier.

Keep it up. And very well done.

Louise82

Well done realitycheque. Yes, using my Sundays to actually do what I want to do is a great benefit of my sobriety!

trudgingagain

Great job RC! Glad you posted and I do know how painful that can be. I, too, was a "functional" alcoholic....never lost my family, my house, my car, my job, etc....but at the end of the day, I was still an alcoholic. Thank goodness, I have not really hit bottom (yet), but alcohol has impacted my life in many ways. Numerous blackouts, saying/doing things I regret, binge drinking, etc. I know what sobriety feels like since I have, in the past, put many years of sobriety together. Now I am on day 16 (again) and gotta say, it is so much better not to drink than to try to moderate or have "just one"...never worked for me. Hang in there...it does get better!