Help for Families of Recovering Addicts - Where do I start?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 79
Help for Families of Recovering Addicts - Where do I start?
My XABF moved out nearly 3 weeks ago after 5 years together. I researched and introduced him to meetings almost 7 months ago and he has been clean & sober since then. At the beginning of his recovery, he wanted me by his side & said he couldn't do this if I wasn't in his life so I stuck around, supported him (financially & emotionally), attended meetings with him if he wanted me to, opened my house to other recovering addicts.........all the while holding down a job, paying the bills, bringing up my 13 year old daughter (from a previous relationship) and trying to get through each day with his highs & lows.
Then he moved out on 8th October! He said he needs to concentrate on his recovery & fixing himself but I shouldn't put my life on hold. He said I should go out & meet people. He said he loves me to pieces but he has to do this and he cant promise that he'll ever be back. I am devastated. What was the point in all my hard work & tolerance?
Now I feel like Im stuck in a rut while he is 7 months ahead of me. He has a programme in his life, guidance and a huge group of new friends for support......................and I have none of that!
They are told not to make any major decisions in the 1st 2yrs, not to work, enter a relationship, etc. but I still have to work, pay the bills, deal with a break-up, bring up my daughter and believe me, I AM STRUGGLING! I don't get 2 years off just to deal with ME!
Im struggling to eat, sleep, concentrate, exercise, work, get out of bed in the morning or even just put a smile on my face.
I tried a couple of Al-Anon meetings but they are difficult to work around my job & daughter. Also, I didn't feel very comfortable in the meetings. This seems to be a very common opinion about Al-Anon, why is that? I wasn't welcomed like they welcome you at CA. I was told there would be no pressure for me to speak (I hate being put on the spot & get very anxious when I have to speak in group situations - especially when they are strangers) but the set up saw around 20 of us seated in a circle around the room and they went round each person telling a bit about our story so I felt pressured to do the same - all eyes were on me.
Is there other avenues I can try? Where do I start?
At the moment, Im finding it impossible to get through each day & see a happy future.
Then he moved out on 8th October! He said he needs to concentrate on his recovery & fixing himself but I shouldn't put my life on hold. He said I should go out & meet people. He said he loves me to pieces but he has to do this and he cant promise that he'll ever be back. I am devastated. What was the point in all my hard work & tolerance?
Now I feel like Im stuck in a rut while he is 7 months ahead of me. He has a programme in his life, guidance and a huge group of new friends for support......................and I have none of that!
They are told not to make any major decisions in the 1st 2yrs, not to work, enter a relationship, etc. but I still have to work, pay the bills, deal with a break-up, bring up my daughter and believe me, I AM STRUGGLING! I don't get 2 years off just to deal with ME!
Im struggling to eat, sleep, concentrate, exercise, work, get out of bed in the morning or even just put a smile on my face.
I tried a couple of Al-Anon meetings but they are difficult to work around my job & daughter. Also, I didn't feel very comfortable in the meetings. This seems to be a very common opinion about Al-Anon, why is that? I wasn't welcomed like they welcome you at CA. I was told there would be no pressure for me to speak (I hate being put on the spot & get very anxious when I have to speak in group situations - especially when they are strangers) but the set up saw around 20 of us seated in a circle around the room and they went round each person telling a bit about our story so I felt pressured to do the same - all eyes were on me.
Is there other avenues I can try? Where do I start?
At the moment, Im finding it impossible to get through each day & see a happy future.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Welcome to the site. I'm really sorry for what has brought you here. Yes, unfortunately parents and partners don't get the luxury of people making sure we are okay and coping with the trauma caused by addiction. Mostly because we often hide it from the people likely to give us the most support. We have to initiate and take those steps for ourselves. You've taken a great first step in reaching out. I have actually found great support through al-anon and have never been put on the spot. It's okay to say "I'm appreciating hearing your stories and will pass on sharing tonight"...perhaps try a different group if you are able. It must be terribly painful having your partner walk away after all the effort you feel you've put in. You have the opportunity now to put the same effort into yourself...with some distance from him you may learn just how much mental space he was taking up. Do your best to turn his leaving into a positive catalyst for you. They say the best revenge is to live life well. You are worthy, so is your daughter. Show her you don't need a man to make you happy...you've got this. Big hug to you today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Exactly! You don't need a man to make you happy! You do have to feel your feelings and go through all of them unfortunately. You will come out a stronger person from all of this. Sometimes I do wish there was a real flash thing like in Men In Black that erases your memory! Unfortunately we have to just go through it. Life will be better on the other side.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hi and welcome.....I can certainly understand your confusion at this point. Dealing with the addiction of a loved one is tough but having them leave the relationship right when you feel you're seeing the "payoff" of your emotional investment......really really hard.
To answer a few of your questions....
1. Although the addict is encouraged not to make major decisions initially, particularly as it pertains to a new relationship, I've never heard anything about not working for two years. Most people don't have that luxury and it would seem to be a pretty unreasonable expectation. Most programs are encouraging the addict to face life on life's terms......working is an important aspect of that concept.
2. Although Al-Anon or Nar-Anon may not be for everyone, it is a good resource. Every new situation is uncomfortable (at least it is for me) so expecting to be comfortable after going to one or two meetings may not be a reasonable expectation. The meetings you attended with your bf were more comfortable because you went together. You can always simply say "pass" when it comes to your turn to speak. And just like NA or AA a person will get out of it what they put into it. It took me quite a few meetings to feel really comfortable.......let's face it.........addiction is a very uncomfortable topic.
3. If you are still not down with the Al-Anon or Nar-Anon environment, there is personal counseling. Personally, I did both. But I now do meetings only and no longer feel the need for private counseling.
SR is a great resource and I hope you stick around.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
To answer a few of your questions....
1. Although the addict is encouraged not to make major decisions initially, particularly as it pertains to a new relationship, I've never heard anything about not working for two years. Most people don't have that luxury and it would seem to be a pretty unreasonable expectation. Most programs are encouraging the addict to face life on life's terms......working is an important aspect of that concept.
2. Although Al-Anon or Nar-Anon may not be for everyone, it is a good resource. Every new situation is uncomfortable (at least it is for me) so expecting to be comfortable after going to one or two meetings may not be a reasonable expectation. The meetings you attended with your bf were more comfortable because you went together. You can always simply say "pass" when it comes to your turn to speak. And just like NA or AA a person will get out of it what they put into it. It took me quite a few meetings to feel really comfortable.......let's face it.........addiction is a very uncomfortable topic.
3. If you are still not down with the Al-Anon or Nar-Anon environment, there is personal counseling. Personally, I did both. But I now do meetings only and no longer feel the need for private counseling.
SR is a great resource and I hope you stick around.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He may be, or think he is, ahead of you in his recovery, but none of that matters now.
This is you, your recovery and it starts today or whenever you say it begins. The past is over, can't change a moment of it, but you can begin today to build a beautiful future for yourself.
Maybe don't give up on the meetings, try others if that one made you uncomfortable. At the Al-anon and CoDA meetings I attended, when they went around the circle and it came to me I could choose to say "I pass" and it was accepted without question. At the end, the topic leader might ask "would anyone who didn't already share, care to do so now?" but that never once meant anyone had to, just left the door open if they changed their mind.
Meetings, SR, maybe read a wonderful book that has helped many of us called "Codependent No More" and begin a solid recovery plan for yourself.
You may just find that when you focus on your recovery rather than his, your own life will become happier and more peaceful and your soul will rest.
Hugs
This is you, your recovery and it starts today or whenever you say it begins. The past is over, can't change a moment of it, but you can begin today to build a beautiful future for yourself.
Maybe don't give up on the meetings, try others if that one made you uncomfortable. At the Al-anon and CoDA meetings I attended, when they went around the circle and it came to me I could choose to say "I pass" and it was accepted without question. At the end, the topic leader might ask "would anyone who didn't already share, care to do so now?" but that never once meant anyone had to, just left the door open if they changed their mind.
Meetings, SR, maybe read a wonderful book that has helped many of us called "Codependent No More" and begin a solid recovery plan for yourself.
You may just find that when you focus on your recovery rather than his, your own life will become happier and more peaceful and your soul will rest.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 102
I wouldn't take this personally. If he is truly working his recovery, you should be happy for him that he is doing well. You need to focus on yourself and your daughter and build that relationship, which probably the most important. You don't get do overs with your kids. Maybe he realizes that and knows that he has taken up a lot of your time and doesn't want to feel guilty about taking you away from your daughter. In life, some people are meant to stay for a long period of time and others only pass through, but they all have an impact or teach us something important that makes an impact on our future. Take all that you have learned and apply it in a positive manner in your life. The time you invested is not wasted because it probably saved another life, his life.
I was once married to a cocaine addict, my childhood sweetheart. I was with him for ten years, growing up, getting him through all the ups and downs. At that time, I had no support from anyone, no access to drug treatment, meetings, etc. I did what I could, never left him. I thought in the end we would live happily ever after. Then one day, we spend a wonderful day with our three kids and that night he is killed at our home by someone he had stolen from or whatever happened. I felt so cheated out of all the hard work and time invested, now I was all alone at almost 26 years old with three kids to raise on my own. It was sad. As I drove to work one day, a song came on that reminded me of him, and I start crying. At that moment, I realized that I was not put on this earth to teach him a lesson or teach him how to be a better person, he was done with his purpose here, and it taught me something. Maybe he was put here on earth for a short a amount of time to teach me how to be a stronger person. I raised three kids on my own, put myself through college, made a very good career, all while also taking care of my mother, etc. Now my qualifier is my 23 year old AS. Why me??? I don't know, but I have to be strong and have faith that I, we, will get through this. Your time invested in anything you believe in is not wasted.
I was once married to a cocaine addict, my childhood sweetheart. I was with him for ten years, growing up, getting him through all the ups and downs. At that time, I had no support from anyone, no access to drug treatment, meetings, etc. I did what I could, never left him. I thought in the end we would live happily ever after. Then one day, we spend a wonderful day with our three kids and that night he is killed at our home by someone he had stolen from or whatever happened. I felt so cheated out of all the hard work and time invested, now I was all alone at almost 26 years old with three kids to raise on my own. It was sad. As I drove to work one day, a song came on that reminded me of him, and I start crying. At that moment, I realized that I was not put on this earth to teach him a lesson or teach him how to be a better person, he was done with his purpose here, and it taught me something. Maybe he was put here on earth for a short a amount of time to teach me how to be a stronger person. I raised three kids on my own, put myself through college, made a very good career, all while also taking care of my mother, etc. Now my qualifier is my 23 year old AS. Why me??? I don't know, but I have to be strong and have faith that I, we, will get through this. Your time invested in anything you believe in is not wasted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
My XAH quit his job while in rehab, before he was even done with the program. Apparently they told him his hours aren't conducive to his recovery. He worked in a kitchen, but had the best hours possible with a corporation that gave us health benefits and sent him through two rehab facilities within 3 years. Unbelievable. I found out from his boss that he had quit. So yes, a lot of stuff that happens, really doesn't make sense. He told me that I make him miserable and that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. So he made two major decisions while in the "care" of a rehab facility. I still don't get it, but I was done with his addict behavior anyway. Don't make yourself crazy trying to figure out why he's doing what he's doing. Does it matter anyway? You need to focus on taking care of yourself and that has to be priority number one now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by Lotusangel 
Take all that you have learned and apply it in a positive manner in your life. The time you invested is not wasted because it probably saved another life, his life.
I am so sorry for your loss. You are so inspirational for what you have achieved under such tough circumstances. If I come out of this with half of your strength, Ill be doing okay.
Thank you & everyone for your kind, encouraging words.
Please feel free to PM me.
Big hugs to everyone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I can understand how you must be feeling betrayed. You hung in for the worse only to be left when things might take a turn for the better.
There emotional state, for the first year, can be delicate. If there is an underlying mental health issue...that can come to light after the drugs are gone. Sometimes irrational is still a part of their life.
Move on the best that you can....get some individual counseling with a good person. Basically, in whatever way, gain support. You will need it.
hugs to you
There emotional state, for the first year, can be delicate. If there is an underlying mental health issue...that can come to light after the drugs are gone. Sometimes irrational is still a part of their life.
Move on the best that you can....get some individual counseling with a good person. Basically, in whatever way, gain support. You will need it.
hugs to you
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have posted this here several times on different posts, I am not trying to push this just want to let you know there are alternative meetings. I attend Celebrate Recovery which is similar but religious based. Been going almost 4 years and have found so much support there. I mention it only when someone says they had an issue with Alanon or are looking for something else. I am in no way degrading Alanon, I just think it depends on the group of people and everyone should find somewhere they can BE THEMSELVES and get support from.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Good Luck and God Bless!
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