WalterFane

I'm still working laboriously through the unethical guidance of my PM medical prescriber. The tyrant had me covinced that if I didn't remain on my 210 mg daily dose of OxyContin, I would lose feeling in my right leg again. Notwithstanding my pleas to taper or begin a cessation regimen including Clonidine, Phenegran, Valium, etc., I was contested and warned that if I challenged his advisement, I would be let go as a patient. The very thought of detoxing terrified me, and I refused to suffer the loss of my leg a second time. I now know that the acute pain was due to my own persistence to pull away from a drug that had stolen everything that made me who I was, who I am. As an author, my inability to write, putting it graciously, saddened me, leaving me feeling dejected and worthless.

Though typically and exceedingly social, over the past year and a half, I became dissociative, avoiding friends and family. My heart began to agonize over the exploitively high dosage, sending exquisite stabs across my chest then down my arm. When I notified my PM doctor of this disconcerting sensation, the unscrupulous man insisted it was simply indigestion. Lies.

I fancy myself a fairly learned individual, so placing my pride aside, I reached out to a friend -- a PA and her overseeing physician. They have been invaluably during my recovery, and I will never be able to thank them fully. If I reach out, my fingers just graze the end of this very dark and sinister tunnel, which is a notion I once imagined unobtainable. Four weeks of supervised, four-day complete abandonment of my medication, followed by a drop in the milligrams, has rendered me at two days without Percocet HCL ... though the suffering has yet to cease. My head is still a jumble of loss and realization.

I gather that what I intend to gain from this grouping is both support and sage advice; moreover, I would be remiss if I didn't help another throughout their own agonizing journey toward sobriety. There were times, come five AM on day three, when I knew that one little pill would end my torment. I wished for someone who could empathize, understand completely, and thus walk me though the weak moments, bolstering my resolve.

I realize this is lengthy, and I indeed hope that you've taken the time to read my cri de coeur.

Thank you!

WalterFane

It's rounding on 8 in the morning, and I haven't slept but three hours over two days past, regardless of having taken both Clonidine and Valium. For two days, I've denied my tortuous desire to take just one little OxyContin, but I sense a lapse mounting! This process has a way of breaking you, making you feel weak of will. I always conjectured that I was stronger, and, when the time came, I would forge through all the discomfort involved. Discomfort: What a kind word for what we experience during cessation.

finaltime

First Walter welcome. You coming here, getting clean, sharing your feelings shows you are ready to make this big step. If you can't sleep or are looking to see how someone else's journey with opiates has been, read my past threads.

You will notice a lot of us on here have had horrible relationships with opiates. I know not sleeping is the horrible, but you must know it gets better. IT TRULY DOES if you DO NOT pick up again. If you pick up again you will have to do go through this all over again. Stay strong my friend. Please don't pick up. YOUR body will heal. In all honesty my pain is a million times better off the drugs then on. For some reason my addict brain tricks me into thinking how bad the pain really is.

Stay strong. Write more.