vinny29

Hi all, i really hope someone out there feels my pain. Apologies in advance for the length of this post but i need to get this out within a community that hopefully can relate. I'll break it into sections in case anyone wants to skim through, my main questions are further down in my recovery, but for anyone interested in my addiction story i'll put that in too.

MY ADDICTION STORY

I'm 29, have been a heavy drug user since the age of about 15, and i'm now 5 months clean, yet struggling. I'm not struggling with cravings so much, more with Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) and a bunch of health issues that have arisen since getting clean.

My main drug of choice is weed, and i know a lot of people seem to think it's harmless but i'm positive that it's not. Weed led me to other things, without going into detail i've abused just about every drug on the planet. Weed was always my baseline high for other drugs, or my coping drug for coming down off heavy drugs. I have a long history of abuse.

I have OD'd and woken up in hospital more times than i can count on one hand, in fact i by the time i woke up in hospital off my last OD about 3 years ago i had officially lost count. My girl left me and moved overseas, and I remember having an anxiety attack and then looking down at an empty packet of sleeping pills and realising i had eaten the whole pack, i didn't even know i was eating them until it was already done.

I woke up in the hospital and the nurse said they were convinced they had lost me, and that someone up there must be looking out for me. It was at that point i knew i had to make a change. I continued to abuse drugs for a couple more years but was a lot more careful not to OD, as i had made the decision that i needed to get clean, just wasn't ready yet.

MY DETOX AND EARLY RECOVERY

Then, 5 months ago, i finally hit bottom. I had lost everything i ever cared about, my life was a mess. I was at the end of the road, and i knew it was time. I surrendered to my addiction. By this time i had tapered myself down to just weed, however i was smoking 2-3 ounces a week. There was way too much weed at my disposal, i was in a complete haze.

Since weed withdrawals are not life threatening (as far i know) i went away to a safe house by myself for 2 weeks and detoxed, alone. It was hell. I broke out in constant sweats, couldn't sleep, cried, cried and cried. But i got through it and detoxed.

I then went through the "honeymoon period" for about 2-3 months where i felt great. I was confident, i was hitting the gym, eating healthy, getting things done.

Around month 3 i crashed, hard. PAWS was taking hold, although i didn't know what that was then. I got severely depressed and spent a couple of months in bed all day and night, only getting up to eat, only leaving the house to get basic food supplies. I couldn't understand why i was getting worse. I attempted to work out but pushed myself too hard, and wound up with a shoulder injury (bursitis) that has further hampered my recovery effort.

About a month ago a bit the bullet and moved home with my mum and step dad to get away from my housemate who is still using. My folks really dont understand what im going through, but they are making an effort which i appreciate.

I am really working hard on my recovery but i feel sometimes i have no one to talk to. What i am finding is that this first 6 months has been really tough, particularly the 3-6 month mark.

I am starting a course on monday full time for 4 weeks to upskill myself and increase my job prospects, but i am really nervous that my PAWS will interfere with my abilty to learn. However i am going to give it 100% anyway, because i need to start taking action.

On top of that the shoulder injury is just hanging around, i have been to the physio who told me i'm looking at 6-12 weeks but he cant say for sure, as bursitis can be ongoing and it may flare back up.

CURRENT SELF ESTEEM & CONFIDENCE ISSUES

Perhaps the most depressing thing though is that physically i look worse than i did when i was on drugs. I know that recovery takes time and my body is going through a lot right now, but it really sucks. According to the women i have been with i was an attractive guy, and i was always fairly happy with my appearance, but in the early recovery stages i just look like crap. My face is pale, my skin is really dry and spotty and i am getting painful acne. It's making me really self concious to go out in public as im already feeling strange from recovery in general.

I'm drinking plenty of water, and eating a lot better than i used to, and i guess i just thought i'd start looking better by now, not worse.

So that's my story, if your still reading thanks so much for listening. And if anyone out there can relate, may i ask, is it common to look worse before you look better while your body adjusts to sobriety? I'd like to think that years from now i will look better, i hate the thought that i was more attractive when i was on drugs, and i find this to be a really strange occurrence.

Just working so hard at recovery, and really want to start regaining some confidence and self-esteem.

Peace & Love to all, i read these boards for a while before finally joining and i have to say, i feel your struggles.

mkintexas

Hi. I am not able to offer you much advice. But. Well done. 14 year drug run and you are 5 months sober. What an accomplishment. A lot of people that far gone are just that. Gone. But NO you chose the TOUGH way. Take some strength from that. Certainly don't undervalue 5 months.

vinny29

Thanks for that, it was a long run i know, a lot of destruction, but i got there finally.

wiscsober

Vinny

keep reading and posting

SR is part of my recovery along with F2F AA and Alanon

I have noticed there are quite a few members from Australia.

NJKitty

Congratulations on 5 months. I don't have any great words of wisdom except that it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Keep coming here and reading and posting. Dont' worry about physical appearance right now. That's easy to fix. Its the inside that takes work. Best wishes.

mkintexas

Also keep in mind man 14 years of altered brain chemistry is quite a long time. Your brain will right itself but it will not happen overnight. It is having to retrain how to balance your mind out using its own chemicals. So do your brain a solid and don't put in mind altering substances so it can figure things out for itself

vinny29

Thanks so much all, it's so cool to hear from people who know the hold of addiction 1st hand. All my friends are still addicts so i'm keeping my distance, and my family have no idea what i'm going through, it's a lonely journey. Sometimes i forget how close i came to death, and that i'm lucky to even be alive. I was given a second chance at life and i'm so grateful, just finding it tough to look in the mirror lately i guess, not really diggin what i'm seeing looking back at me. I'm still trying to forgive myself for what i've done, and the damage is clear. Maybe i should avoid looking in the mirror so much, it's prob not helping scrutinising myself like that.

scotchbotch

Sometimes you just have to get sick enough of who you've become in order to make a change. I don't like looking in the mirror sometimes... but I know that realizing that this can't go any farther is the best thing that can happen.

Look in the mirror and realize that 'this' is NOT who you want to be. Make the change and do whatever it takes.

vinny29

Thanks scotch i needed that. much respect.

TiredEnough

Vinny, are the any underlying health reasons for the physical attributes you see? Have you been to a doc?

Congrats on five months!

Dee74

Hi Vinny

I was a daily pot smoker for 30 years or so so I agree it's not harmless.

I probably looked a bit rough for a week or so, but after that I can't remember looking any worse after I quit.

Maybe, like others have suggested, a full check up could be in order?

D

vinny29

The main health issues are basically to do with my shoulder and the deep depression i went through a couple of months ago. I'm still mildly depressed but don't wanna take meds, as i'm assuming it's due to PAWS and i'm slowly coming out of it. I think the physical stuff may just be stress related, as the challenge of recovery is really taking it's toll on me. I'm sure spending 2 months in bed sleeping 15-20 hours a day can't have helped either. I know the mind body connection is so strong that stress and depression can have this effect. Thats another reason why i'm doing his course, gives me somewhere to get up and go to, get my mind and body active and stimulated.

I've been seeing my doc but he hasn't recommended a full check up. That being said, i agree i should get a proper check up. I'll get onto it ASAP.

October75love

Vinny, so proud to hear you are 5 months sober. Do not get down on your appearance now, your body is still adjusting to all the changes. It may take some time but let your body naturally adjust. Continue to diet, and exercise however which when you can. Also, Vitamins!!!!! keep up the good work!

vinny29

Thanks October, that means a lot. I've been to hell and back these last 5 months. Biggest challenge of my life so i know it has taken a toll physically. I'm getting back out in the world tomorrow and starting my course, so i think being active in society, interacting with other people and getting physically and mentally active will help. Hiding away in my room getting no sunlight or social interaction is bound to effect physical appearance. I just started fish oil and spirulina supplements and i'm going to add a multi vitamin to the mix. And as for my shoulder, i'm taking it really easy to help it heal, and i'm going to focus mainly on running.

Thanks again everyone!

ZoomZoom8

Congrats on five months! That's great! As far as the acne, my best friend quit drinking after years of being na active alcoholic and he broke out like crazy! It went away after a month or so. We weren't sure if it was related to the stress hormones with WD or what, but hang in there and don't worry too much about it. The biggest thing to focus on is your recovery.

vinny29

Thanks! Yeah i'm pretty sure its stress related, got to keep pushing on as its fairly early days yet and i'm at a peak with the PAWS atm. Also i think my body is taking a while to fully adjust physically, everyones different, this is just my journey i guess. I'm thinking long term anyway, slowly implementing healthy habits bit by bit. Many years of abuse to recover from.

ZoomZoom8

You can do it. I know it has been a years long habit, but you are stronger than it is. I know that is cliche, but if you take as much energy that you put into finding the drugs and put it to being clean, all of this struggle will be behind you.