Welcome, thistwoshallpass
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 3
Welcome, thistwoshallpass
Hey guys - could really use your help. A little over a month ago I found out that my husband (who was almost 20 months sober) was cheating on me with a girl from his AA group. I kick him out. He relapsed and has been going down that pass of destruction now for 5 weeks. He is living with this girl and her mother who are both alcoholics. I have turned off his phone and have tried to completely detach from him. However, he has been texting our son from the girls phone. He keeps telling him that he is going to go get help yet, hasn't gone yet. He was a first texting me crazy messages like he was going to kill himself. I never responded. I have blocked all the calls/text from the phone he is using so he can't contact me. I'm trying to let go and let God! But I can't seem to stop the worrying. It's controlling my mind and I hate it. I have prayed and prayed. I know I have to stay out of the way and let God do his work. And I do. While I have detached physically from him I just can't seem to let go emotionally. Any advice? I'm going crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR. You have a great screen name! It is very fitting, because this too shall pass. But for now, it just plain old hurts. What a betrayal! Cheating and relapsing. Yeesh!
Advice on what to do - well, do you attend Al-Anon? That's the first thing I'd recommend.
Second, do you have support around you, i.e. trusted people you can lean on and vent to? If not, find some. Buy a notebook and keep a journal. Post here. Anything to get it out of your head helps to slow the cycle of obsessing.
Reading about alcoholism helped me further detach, by allowing me to see a mental illness at work here that was bigger and stronger than me. It helped ease the feelings of personal rejection, too. There are a lot of good books out there - a good one to start with is Under the Influence. A great daily reader that really helped me is The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie.
Allowing yourself to feel these emotions without acting on them is also important. There is no quick fix here, but emotions don't last forever; they come and go like clouds. Or bad weather!! I would tell myself each day "this too shall pass", and almost 1.5 years post divorce, I can tell you it does pass! And I love who I am, my life, and the new healthier choices I am making, including those related to men and relationships.
Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
Advice on what to do - well, do you attend Al-Anon? That's the first thing I'd recommend.
Second, do you have support around you, i.e. trusted people you can lean on and vent to? If not, find some. Buy a notebook and keep a journal. Post here. Anything to get it out of your head helps to slow the cycle of obsessing.
Reading about alcoholism helped me further detach, by allowing me to see a mental illness at work here that was bigger and stronger than me. It helped ease the feelings of personal rejection, too. There are a lot of good books out there - a good one to start with is Under the Influence. A great daily reader that really helped me is The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie.
Allowing yourself to feel these emotions without acting on them is also important. There is no quick fix here, but emotions don't last forever; they come and go like clouds. Or bad weather!! I would tell myself each day "this too shall pass", and almost 1.5 years post divorce, I can tell you it does pass! And I love who I am, my life, and the new healthier choices I am making, including those related to men and relationships.
Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
Hi Thistwo,
You sound like you have been very strong, putting a lot of boundaries in place and sticking to them--that takes true courage and grit. As far as letting go emotionally, it does take time. Al-anon helps a lot of people. Have you thought about seeing a counselor or therapist? It helped me a lot during the transition time after I filed for divorce from my XAH.
In the meantime, if you find yourself worrying too much, try to think about yourself and your son instead of your AH. Think of ways that you can enrich this time with your son. Think of things you might like to do for yourself, make some plans for something fun or meaningful that you like to do. If you have specific worries, try writing them down and then putting that piece of paper in a drawer somewhere, to be looked at another day. Try to get some rest and take care of yourself.
Wishing you well
~ B
You sound like you have been very strong, putting a lot of boundaries in place and sticking to them--that takes true courage and grit. As far as letting go emotionally, it does take time. Al-anon helps a lot of people. Have you thought about seeing a counselor or therapist? It helped me a lot during the transition time after I filed for divorce from my XAH.
In the meantime, if you find yourself worrying too much, try to think about yourself and your son instead of your AH. Think of ways that you can enrich this time with your son. Think of things you might like to do for yourself, make some plans for something fun or meaningful that you like to do. If you have specific worries, try writing them down and then putting that piece of paper in a drawer somewhere, to be looked at another day. Try to get some rest and take care of yourself.
Wishing you well
~ B
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi TTSP, what an awful time of your life, no wonder you're feeling miserable. The whole thing is only a month old and it's natural that you would be thinking it obsessively. I'm not sure how long you've been married but you can't detach overnight, so give yourself a break.
Some suggestions that might help; ask your son not to pass on any news about his father unless it's practical, such as arrangements etc. But none of this stuff about promises, what he intends to do and so on. Also start a journal where you can write your feelings, have a good cry and let some emotions out. You might consider giving yourself a project that will help occupy your mind.
Hope one of these will resonate with you.
Some suggestions that might help; ask your son not to pass on any news about his father unless it's practical, such as arrangements etc. But none of this stuff about promises, what he intends to do and so on. Also start a journal where you can write your feelings, have a good cry and let some emotions out. You might consider giving yourself a project that will help occupy your mind.
Hope one of these will resonate with you.
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