Spinner-007

I was handed this book by a customer, and fellow Believer, this evening, and it was laid on my heart to share what follows here, for everyone here on this site. It's written by June Hunt. While the book doesn't specifically deal with addiction, I've found everything I've read so far really hit me in the heart as I'm dealing with my wife's addictions.

'Question:
If I forgive those who offend me, I'll be a classic enabler. Why should offenders change if there is no consequence for their offensive behavior?

Answer:
Forgiveness is NOT enablement. If a man borrows money from you and later refuses to repay it to you, still you should forgive him. Release both him, as well as the offense to God - for your sake, if no other, so that you do not become bitter. But you should NOT enter into another monetary relationship with him.

Do not give irresponsible people more opportunities to be irresponsible with you.

Enabling others mean that by not establishing a boundary or by not establishing a consequence for when others violate a boundary, you enable them to continue in their bad behavior.

Enablement puts you in a position to be offended again and again.

Enablement never helps offenders change, but further ingrains their bad habits. However, one consequence to your offenders is that they will not have other opportunities to use you or offend you again.

Enablers are classic people-pleasers who do not say 'no' when they should say 'no'. If you say 'yes' to irresponsible people when you should say 'no', you are actually saying 'no' to Christ. The apostle Paul said:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10). '

The section of her book on 'Why Should We Get Rid of Unforgivenenss' read like an irrefutable indictment of my very own heart, and i so do not want that for anybody, here or elsewhere, whatsoever. We've all suffered so much in dealing with addicted loved ones, and I only pray that everyone here doesn't allow their hearts to harden as I've just realized just how much mine has.

In His Love, Spinner.

Seren

That's really nice, Spinner! Thank you for sharing it.

MsPINKAcres

thanks for posting

Forgiveness for me has truly been a blessings ~ it means I don't condone the other person's action but I let go of the need for revenge or even for the other person to make an amends to ME.

It means I acknowledge to myself there was a wrong done and today I a wiser, healthier person that will take greater action to protect myself if I can. That person doesn't have the power to continue to hurt me, because the past is behind me.

The God of my understand is healing those scars and together He & I are going to be ok, regardless of any action of the other person.

Forgiveness is a great gift ~ to ourselves. For me I know I couldn't have done it without the help of my HP, who is the God of my understanding.

just my e, s, & h ~

pink hugs!

Hammer

Yeah, had to . . . nope, my choice to . . . go through something like this for my own PTSD/Abuse Recovery stuff some 14 years ago.

I settled on thinking about it sort of like the banks wound up doing with the recent economic collapse. "It" -- the bad stuff -- has already come and gone, and not likely to be undone. Ok. Acceptance.

THEN, I figured out, I can CHOOSE (again ME, my choice) to not it hold against *them.* Like a bankruptcy. Still bad, but I do not have to carry it around as a bad balance on my books.

I do not have to give the Bad Actor a new line of credit with me, but that clears this HUGE liability I am carrying around on my books. And that leaves ME free to fill that bad up with good.

*They* still do not have "good credit," and I am not likely to let a Bad Actor *them* to get "in debt" or do more bad to me, but I do not have to carry their bad in the accounting of my heart.

Makes room for Happy, Joyous, and Free.

atalose

I'm 4 months out of a 13 year relationship with an addict and to be honest I am not at the forgiveness stage YET. I certainly don't wish him harm and I include him in my daily prayers but to be honest, a part of me still wants him to feel the hurt and disappointment and grief that I do. I know this will pass and I will reach forgiveness but that is not today.

I’ve forgiven many – cut those emotional ties I had with them that was keeping me prisoner to my own anger and resentment. Forgiveness is definitely for US and allows us to free ourselves from ourselves.

But only 4 months out I’m not quite there yet. I do have way more good days then bad but that anger creeps in to visit every now and then and I’m thankful it doesn’t stick around to long.

MsPINKAcres

((atalose))

you are right were you are suppose to be in your journey - my peace with my past, the pain and the people from that past didn't come over night either ~ it was a process, working the steps wth my Sponsor, praying, journaling and with the help of my HP - the healing came in time ~

Don't give up - you deserve the miracles ~

pink hugs!

Spinner-007

Atalose, I know exactly what you're feeling on wanting the other person to hurt.

I think it's when I consider all the mental and emotional gymnastics the kids and I go through that gets my temperature up, and I want to shove it all into her face and say "SEEEE???? THIS is what you're DOING TO US!!!!!!!!!!".

And then I return to that book, in a section that reads 'What is forgiveness NOT?'. The passage that struck me most was this:

'Forgiveness is not letting the guilty 'off the hook'. It's moving the guilty from your hook to God's hook'.

It feels pretty liberating to me when I read this.

In His Name, Spinner.

Recovering2

I love that passage Spinner, will remember it!!!