eagles

Hi all, new here, please can you help...

For years and years my Dad has had the same pattern of not drinking for months on end, then having a couple of drinks, which leads very quickly to a one or two week binge where he takes himself off to bed and drinks solidly until he is too ill to continue then sends another couple of weeks to recover.

Each time he is extremely remorseful and swears it will never happen again - and it doesn't - for 3, 6 or however many months. Then he's back on the roller coaster.

I know he has tried some meetings, but feels they are irrelevant to him as when he's newly sober he's so convinced he's beaten it - till next time.

He's 80 now and has had heart problems for many years, with a quadruple bypass some 15 years ago. This time round he had a major heart attack and needed an angioplasty to remove the clot from his grafted artery. There were many clots present, mainly due to him not taking his warfarin during his binge. He's still in hospital now and is recovering well.

I know he can't control his alcoholism and have stopped taking his binges personally - the eye opener to me was when he hit the bottle when I was in hospital with my son, who has a devastating form of childhood epilepsy.

This time round I felt SO angry when I first went to see him in hospital, only to be overwhelmed by guilt at the suddenly old man I saw when I got there. I know at 80 he IS old, but he's generally quite robust and jolly. Now that he's recovering, and is back to joking again - I just want to slap him!

The consultant at the heart hospital he's at have offered him long term alcohol input / support, but he's just said he'll leave it till next time, cos there won't be a next time and he really means it this time!!!

I feel that the next time will kill him, yet I feel so impotent to help. I have good support from my two sisters and I thought we'd all come to terms with his addiction, but this time round we're all overwhelmed.

I'd appreciate any advice you could give.

Many thanks

eagles

eagles

Darn it - I automatically signed my name and now can't work out how to edit the thread to remove it for anonymity sake! Bit late now I guess!

ladyscribbler

First off, prayers for you and your son. I can tell you're a devoted mother, and a devoted daughter.
Anger is something I also struggle with, only to be hit by the other side of the coin- pity- when I realize I'm angry at someone who is helpless as a child is helpless. Only its an adult, and they should know better and you NEED them and they disappear into a bottle and and and...Then you're angry again.
This might sound harsh, but have you considered not visiting him in the hospital after his next bender? It seems like you need some distance from him and his disease. Don't let guilt make you do something that is unhealthy for you just because it seems like the right thing and he's your dad and he's elderly and and and...
Try setting some boundaries like that. You and grandkids only see him when he's sober, no hospital/emergency visits for reasons relating to his alcoholism. Stuff like that.

Best wishes,
Adrianne (there, I did it too- solidarity)

Seren

Hi Eagles, Welcome to SR!

I took care of the name in your post. I hope you don't mind

I sooooo wish I could tell you that there were some magic thing you could say to your Dad to make him really see and understand what he is doing to himself. Unfortunately, there are no such words.

One post that really helped me when I first arrived at SoberRecovery is this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

It is possible to be happy whether or not the alcoholics in our lives are drinking.

Welcome, again! Please make yourself at home here.

eagles

Thanks both for your replies - both really useful. Thanks for editing my name out too!

Ladyscribbler - we already steer well clear of our Dad when he's drinking - he'd given up again 5 days before his heart attack, which was obviously still linked to his previous binge. He's now out of hospital and back home, and still quite convinced that was his last binge - bless him for his naivety!

Seren - that was a really useful thread thank you - I'll go over it a few times I think! Also the lack of "magic wand" is so true - I've come to accept that where my son's epilepsy is concerned, but never really accepted that my Dad's alcoholism is much the same - a chronic illness that I have no control over.

Thanks again both x