patricia68

I got invited to a farewell party on Friday. My social anxiety escalated out of control, I was literally sick about having to go to a social event. The hostess said to bring our own drinks. Many women brought soda, or just water...only 3 of us brought alcohol. I am so ashamed and embarrassed.

The next day I was ready to go back into sobriety when my mother in law called. They were coming for dinner on Sunday...and I just lost it. I am terrified of her. To put it bluntly, she is a bully.

I drank gin, I drank rum, I drank wine. I made an awful dinner...and I lost my balance and dropped a tray with apple pie that shattered all over the kitchen floor...lovely

I am ashamed to come here and confess that I am weak, that I am terrified of people and social situations, that I drunk all weekend long.

I didn't plan ahead, I just panicked and wanted to numb the fear.

I just completely lost my confidence and self esteem during all these years of drinking and I have no idea how to get them back.

lorelei

hey Patricia sorry to hear you had a rough weekend, when I first started one of my earlier sobriety periods I literally hibernated for weeks, avoided all social contact and pressure situations, and I got to 3 months that time, a death triggered me back again, but now I am stronger and know how being sober *goes* I do whatever I have too to protect my sobriety, what Im trying to say is you may have to do that, in order to get thro, and get some support around you, have you thought of AA, spoken to your Dr etc ...sounds like you are drinking to give you confidence, to cope with social situations, like so many of us, the good news is it can change, its can be done x

Bird615

In early sobriety, I wouldn't even put myself in situations like that. If I really had to because there was a very good reason, then I would not go without some support, such as another sober person. A back-up plan to leave the situation if it got too uncomfortable also helped.

That's what worked for me. Eventually, I could attend events where there was drinking, but still only with good reason, not just because it was a social drinking event, and then only if I was feeling stable in my sobriety. Never if I felt on shaky ground.

Anxiety problems may sort themselves out eventually as you get better or you may need to get help with them, (I did) but don't feel you have to force yourself to do things you are not ready for.

Learn from this and think about what you could do differently next time.

alphaomega

My social anxiety was absolutely crippling when I was drinking heavily. In fact, my anxiety in general rendered me homebound for some time.

I found as I log more sober time, both are disappearing.

Be well.

jkb

Hi Patricia,

Just my thoughts but, I have had social anxiety/panic attacks for many years. I have now been sober for over 6 months and my confidence is way up and social anxiety/panic is way down.

The first few months were tough but, so worth it in the end.

Jess

Nuudawn

You're allowed to have an anxiety issue. You're allowed to stand up for yourself and put your sobriety first rather than trying to meet the needs or desires of others. You're allowed to be you and do whatever you need to do for you. You're life and well being is worth it. You're existence in this world is of value. You are as important as anyone else. And in your life? You are the most important being to look out for.

Taking5

You MIL invited herself over? It doesn't work that way. Someone must have invited her. Please elaborate.

duane1

Just as an aside, I feel like it is easier to deal with people who are bullies or strongly opinionated when I am sober. When I was drinking, I could never make strong arguments because I couldn't recall any facts or articulate my thoughts very well and it often left me flustered and looking like a blithering idiot. Now that I'm sober, I am on top of my game and it really is a different ballgame.
You probably weren't ready to put yourself in a situation like this. Only take what you can handle in early sobriety.

jaynie04

Hi Patricia. It helps me to remember that early sobriety is up to two years. It is not spoken about a lot and I understand that when you are trying to put days together it could feel daunting.

I look at it differently. There are benchmarks of withdrawal, I would imagine our neural pathways are rewiring. I am into my 4th month. The first month was great, the next 6 weeks not so great, and then the fog started to lift (I was also using benzos and Ambien).

The reason I mention 2 years is that I see that as my window in which to treat myself gently. I am relearning everything. Just going to the movies sober was a lot, I never realized how loud people sound when they are chewing popcorn.

I haven't put myself into situations that were unnecessary that would make me uncomfortable. I have given myself that window to learn how to live sober in a drinking world. Some relationships/situations will shift, I acknowledge that, but they would certainly shift if I drink myself to death.

It is not selfish to put your sobriety first, it is actually a very loving gesture towards your family.

patricia68

I haven't seen her in two years. Last time we had a fight that would made Jerry Springer blush...so I've been ignoring her ever since. But now she's approaching her 70s...a few of her sisters died...I guess she is starting to have a few regrets and wants to mend things between us. Who knows?

So yes, she phoned saying she wanted to come visit her grandson

My husband tried to tell her that it wasn't a good time, he wanted me to have more time to be ready I guess. But she insisted, and cried, and play the guilt trip...you know how it goes.

She actually behaved, acted like a "normal" person all evening...but I am still terrified of her

Nuudawn

Hmmm..MIL pushy much? Next time maybe leave her son to deal with her and you go out for a latte and a pedicure : )

ReadyAtLast

I agree with madbird. I would not put myself in any difficult situations in early recovery.Say no to people, decline invites.YOU are important,your needs and wants are important. I would do whatever it took to keep me sober and avoiding social situations would be one of them.

You sound lacking in confidence and with an inability to say no to people. This is something I can relate to but it has got easier as my sobriety period has increased. My confidence has increased, my anxiety has lessened and I've learned that what I want does matter and my feelings are just as important as anyone else's

Mizzuno

Habits are hard to break. Think about how long you have been drinking? This sobriety thing does not come easily, and it is alright. We are human beings. Not perfect creatures and sometimes life gets rough. We all learn along this journey and the one thing that does not help is calling yourself "Weak". To me, weakness is hiding in the problem and not trying to find a way out of it. Here you are though, posting that you are having a hard time and allowing others to be there for you.
Admitting that you are terrified of people and social situations is having strength. You are doing well Patricia.
Allow yourself some time to breath. Nurture yourself and say "no" to the things that jeopardize your health. Keep walking forward.

Ptcapote

Agree with all the above, Patricia. I also do not put myself in positions where I will be tempted to drink or made uncomfortable about drinking. No, this is not foolproof and I have still found myself in such circumstances but I always try to escape as quickly as possible (and have an escape plan at the ready).

As Mizz and Jaynie are saying, a HUGE part of recovery is about establishing boundaries. As addicts/alcholics, we are likely to have none. It's ironic because we can be the most selfish people on the planet when it comes to someone or something getting between us and our "fix" of choice but we also tend to have no "no" button.

Saying "no" made me extremely uncomfortable in the beginning because I was like, "Hey, you're the freak with the drinking problem, not them..." but, after relapsing once and then spending a ton of time being extremely uncomfortable, I starting using the n word.

Now it is second nature to me to turn down situations that might compromise my sobriety. Of course I cannot completely avoid stress and continue to breathe and exist on this planet but I can choose to not put myself in taxing situations. I have also found that people are a lot more accepting of that then I ever thought they would be. Especially since now when I am with someone doing something, I am actually there and present rather than thinking about where my next drink will come from or how to sneak some extra...

Boundaries...they're the new beige.

Nuudawn

OMG...love this.

DoubleDragons

I find the healthier the lifestyle I lead, the more confident I get. I feel better about myself, and thus more protective of the new healthier me.

tpoint

patricia, I too have lost confidence and self esteem due to years of using alcohol as a social prop. I know that sobriety is the only way I can get these back.

I love the Steve Jobs quote in your sig by the way.

Dee74

I think you need time and patience and a little faith Patricia.

We drank for years - it will take a little while for all of that to come back - you need to be prepared for that I think.

I think jumping in and oput of sobriety like you mentioned is a very waring thing to do - I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

Why not give total abstinence a go? clear your calendar - plan ahead...give yourself a few months and try total recovery

D

patricia68

Total abstinence can't be as bad as how I feel today: total hangover

Nixon said "Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain."...I think I want to start climbing up that mountain

Mizzuno

Climbing the mountain can be accomplished.

I like to think of the beginning stages of sobriety like a journey in the dark. We are unsure of where to go and unsure of how to function. Others who have walked ahead will come with their lights and guide you through the unknown. You will never be by yourself on this journey. The more you reach out the more informed you will become. Then you can shine your light for someone else who comes along on the start of their journey.
Keep walking forward and know that you are not alone!