KeepinItReal

I have been writing and speaking to my AH in jail and his set date to get out is November 15th. He was asked to write a letter stating why he should get in and he did. Hes been telling me how much he wants to go into it. I'm hoping there isn't a large amount of time for him in between Bc his sister likes to see him fail. Very dysfunctional.
I know him coming out and staying with me wouldn't be good for us but if its just for a short time until he gets into long term rehab?
I told him he couldn't stay with us and hopefully rehab has a spot right away. He has no car (Bc he sold it) no way to get to anywhere... I'm just considering it as long as its on the condition hes not using (which is now obvious to me)
Even if he goes to his dads where his sister also lives he will only be 20 minutes away. I don't like going there Bc of her drug use and seeing her and her bf high all day. He will literally be going back to a drug house. I know its not my problem but he is my husband... and if hes going to a program and is staying sober until he gets in...I don't see the harm... any advice?

allforcnm

I think it is a personal choice. In all honesty, as long as I thought it would not harm our son - then I would let my husband come home for the length of time in-between. Actually I guess I did do this. We delayed his entry into rehab because he wanted to spend some time with me, and his infant son. Our son was a huge motivator for his sobriety (his words, not mine). But as I said, our son was only an infant so there was no confusion or anything when he left for 3 months of rehab.

I don't think it is a matter of obligation, just what you desire, and what you think is best for your family. Maybe if you took some time and thought about the things that worry you regarding his coming home then you could better sort them out. If it becomes more of a real possibility, then maybe ground rules could be put in place to ease some of those fears. I always feel better when I have a plan in place, know the next step as much as possible.

KeepinItReal

I am also a planner. I feel much better when things are planned. I guess i'm concerned more for my kids getting use to him being home. They are 3 & 7 and then him leaving for 14 months. I also don't want my AH to lose his spirit about going by thinking about what he's leaving. I know I can't control his thoughts.. and he's going to do what he wants to do either way... but him staying in the house makes it easier to stay in the house if he chooses not to go.
I have told him he cannot stay and hoping that he can get into a sober house in the meantime (if there's a waiting period). I'm of course worrying in advance. Once his letter gets to the intake coordinator there's a chance he will get his date of entry and there will be no "waiting" period.
I'm probably worrying for nothing.. and I should just trust that things will work out the way they are suppose to. It's a long time for him to go away to treatment and I know that i'm going to miss him. The kids already miss him terribly. They only know that he's sick and needs to go away to help himself.
I'm probably going to stick with my initial plan unless it's only for a few days before a committed intake date. If he's just put on a waiting list with no actual date i'm going to tell him he needs to go to a sober house. If not... I don't want to stay in contact because I know how toxic his fathers house is because of the other active users that live there. It's like having an alcoholic set up a couch in a bar and telling him not to drink
Thanks for the advice. It's comforting to know it's not a black and white choice.

Kindeyes

Yes. It does. It's good that you realize that. Your eyes are wide open and not clouded by denial on that issue.

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And all of the worry will be living a potentially "bad experience" that hasn't happened yet.

That sounds like a good plan/boundary if you can hold to it. He can still visit the children while living in the sober living arrangement so that covers those concerns.

I understand your fears and trepidation. When someone is getting out of a treatment program or jail/prison, there is concern on what will happen. I think that's pretty normal. But worrying obsessively (I've done my share of that) accomplishes nothing but it does erode your time and peace of mind.

I hope that your mind can be put at ease and you can do something nice for yourself today.

Time will reveal more......it always does.

gentle hugs
ke

KeepinItReal

Yes, my worrying obsessively (not only about him) is something that I would like to face in counseling. Maybe some coping techniques to change this behavior. It's something I just can't shut off. It's not only surrounding him.. but my kids welfare also and many other aspects of my life. At one point I thought I should get get medicine for it... but i'm sure that this will only add layers to the issues and not solve them. Some days I am fine. Others I can't shut the "worry" off. Lately it's been worse because i'm moving into my new apartment on Monday.