Katie1846

Hello all, this is my first day on here and my 5th day of sobriety. I have gone much longer than this in the past and on a regular basis. I wasn't an everyday drinker, I was a binge 2-3 days on the weekend drinker. I guess the best way to start is to say that I wasn't always an alcoholic. I had my first drink at 18, then didn't touch the stuff again until I was almost 20. I had some fun, but could take it or leave it and was always the one taking care of other people, not the one making a fool of themselves. However, I have suffered from severe anxiety/OCD since I was a small child (pretty much since I can remember). This didn't seem to have much of an effect on my alcohol intake. Then, on New Years Eve heading into 2009, I had a panic attack that changed my life. I literally lost myself for days. I was crying, in the fetal position, and terrified for what seemed like forever. The only tolerable thing I could do was to watch movies and that abated the feeling of wanting to die or feeling like I was (I dk which was worse) temporarily. My boyfriend of over a year did everything he could. He worked in mental health at a hospital and got me connected to a psychiatrist who prescribed me Klonopin. I started taking it, and it helped some, but I still had to quit my job, as I had another panic attack there, and couldn't keep from crying everytime I came back. Around the same time, I discovered that if I was drunk, I couldn't have a panic attack! What a revelation! I was safe. I wouldn't have traded that feeling for a million dollars at that point. However, I quickly began to take advantage of this feeling, and abused it. I had always been an athletic person, and in really good shape. Over the course of 2009, I was drinking at least a 12 pack and then sometimes a 12 pack and a big bottle of wine (you know, the 3 liters or w/e they are). Needless to say, I gained A LOT of weight. I mean like 100 lbs. It was disgusting and depressing and I wasn't myself and my poor boyfriend just sat there, trying to help but feeling kind of helpless at the time. My family was concerned. They asked me, and I was honest with some of them...to a point. Anyway, since then, I cut WAY back on the booze, stopped drinking every night, started working out, and lost 60 lbs. When I DID drink though, I made an ass of myself. I ALWAYS overdid it, and I was also taking Klonopin (although not intentionally to "party" or w/e). My boyfriend who had been silent through my initial demise was silent no more. All of his resentment bubbled up and came out during that time. He asked me to stop drinking multiple times. I told him I could control it. I don't know how many times we had that argument/conversation. Neither does he. Anyway, we broke up for a few months and of course I lost control, started hanging out with the wrong crowd, etc. and almost got a DUI. I quit drinking for 6 weeks, admitted I had a problem, and had a very productive and happy outlook on life for the first time in years. My boyfriend and I (who never really stopped talking), got back together and things were good. Until they weren't. I was still drinking a lot and turning into another person and he hated it. So things came to a head the other day/night and I'm not sure what exactly finally clicked in me, but I woke up and looked at him and the first words out of my mouth were "I'm an alcoholic." I think that's the first time I've ever said it out loud. Anyway, I realized that I can't just try to unlearn whatever behavior I've learned, at least not anytime in the near future. And I can't just try to control myself. Once I start, that's it. I miss the feeling of security and happiness it gave me. I used to go in the back room (my boyfriend's bedroom) with a bottle of wine and a couple of beers and watch my favorite movies. That made me happy. However, it was a very temporary happy and I always felt guilty about it. Also I've been at a plateau with my weight for months and I refuse to quit until I lose the last 40lbs I have to go. My boyfriend and hopefully future husband is more important than the booze. He makes me more happy as well. I want to quit for myself because that drunken wasted idiot is not who I am or want to be. But I have a good motivation also in the form of my loving boyfriend who I don't want to continue to hurt (or lose). The idea of living a sober life for the rest of the time I have on this earth scares the **** out of me, I won't lie. That is my biggest challenge right now. I keep worrying about what I'll do at my wedding, birthdays, vacations, etc. But I'm trying to stay in the now, today, here, and realize that those things will take care of themselves as long as I take care of myself. Sorry for the length, but I think I pretty much covered it lol. Any advice is completely appreciated and good luck to all of you as well!

ChrisBen

Welcome to SR. Good that you have the support of your boyfriend. Keep reading and posting, lots of positive messages and support here. I'm on day 16 and wouldn't be here without the inspiration I get from this site. I love the 24 pledge thread and the September 2013 are an awsome group.
Congratulations on your fifth day of sobriety and keep em coming!!

pinkdog

Hi Katie, welcome. I used to have panic attacks. Withdrawals from alcohol triggered them. I learned a method for relaxing thru them, it is urge surfing. Quitting the alcohol, along with the urge surfing got rid of them. I still have anxiety sometimes, but when I feel it coming on, I break into the urge surfing. It made all the difference for me. Welcome to the site. It's a great place.

gatorgirl67

Welcome Katie! Glad you're here, lots of good people on this site!!

lorelei

least

to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family.

Dee74

welcome Katie
I was scared too, but I learned that all any of us can do is live our lives day by day.

I made a lot of changes in my life so for a long time those kinds of challenges weren't an issue for me. My recovery came first, and I turned down a few invites here and there.

In my experience, by the time I was ready for those kinds of challenges, I really loved being sober.....I really loved the new life I was building, and it really wasn't much of a struggle to stay sober because I wanted to be that way

I hope you'll find the same

D

Hevyn

Very happy to meet you Katie! This is a wonderful place to be. I was able to stop after a lifetime of drinking, thanks to the support & encouragement I found here. You can do it!

Katie1846

Thank you so much for all of your kind words, welcome, and support. I'm glad I found this place! Went to the beach today with some people who were drinking, but my boyfriend didn't drink with me and we played volleyball and had a great time. I'm really glad I'm not drunk right now lol. It would be a lie to say I don't miss alcohol, and wasn't jealous of some of my friends today, but it wasn't all that bad. And I hope it'll only get better.

wakko

Welcome, AA worked for me and countless others

wpainterw

Don't look ahead too much. Focus on the here and now. And keep in close touch with your doctor, since this all started out with self medicating. Tell him/her everything. That's the only way they can help you avoid the panic attacks. And get in touch with other persons in recovery, hopefully with issues like yours. And keep posting here on SR. There's lots of folks who've been just where you are and who can help a lot. You can do this. The world hasn't fallen in beneath you and your boyfriend's there to help you. Just remember that the illness is progressive unless you get help and help yourself. Both are necessary. Help from others and you working some kind of recovery program and getting in touch with other persons in recovery, including some who have some experience with sobriety.

W.

Katie1846

Thanks, I pretty much have the panic attacks under control with the medication. My doctor is aware of everything and we have a good thing going there. My sobriety is the main issue, and I feel good today. I'm trying to utilize this place as a way to get in touch with others in recovery. Especially the advice of those who have been successful for a long time. Not sure if I need AA or a sponsor, although I know it couldn't hurt.

Anna

Welcome, Katie!

I'm glad that you are focused and doing well. It's also good that you can talk to your dr about the panic attacks.

You have made a great choice to come here for support.