Need help in understanding my wifes lack of love and desire to leave marriage
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: charlotte
Posts: 3
Need help in understanding my wifes lack of love and desire to leave marriage
I have been sober for 6 months, 11 days and feel I have listened to every aspect of what I did not achieve in the marriage prior to my dry date. I have addressed each aspect and have made changes and advancement in each category and there have been times when things seemed to be advancing and the past two weeks we have gone so backwards that separation is now on the table and I don't know how we went so backwards so fast.
To explain one thing that I did not do very well is controlling my jealeoousy. During the first 4-months my wife made it clear she was leaving to go back home and take another job and collect retirement at the same time. I held fast to AA and went through all the highs and lows in understanding what she went through and what path I needed to travel. I did so but in the ned she was leaving at this point and I have to prepare myself for that moment, it did not happen.
Now during the past two months plus I continued my aa and worked on what she requested were my personal relationship faults. We had good and bad times but for the most part good.
During this period I just felt she had one foot out the door and my jealeously just got the best of me and when I confronted her about my feeling and crazy thoughts it just made things worst and she mentioned separation, which we agreed not to do.
Over the past 3-weeks my need for effection and emotions hit a wall and told her at was ready to bail because I had no idea what to do anymore. This was all discussed along with my thoughts, again, about her having a cyber attraction to someone.
During my statement separation came up again and since this time it came from my lips, the first 3-time came from her, she has decided to jump on the idea and that is where we stand.
We had planned after her job opportunity and moved failed, we would still look to buying a place near her family and work on getting her home and continue working on us as she got settled in.
I feel the negative ending would have happened with any negative discussion we may have had whether it was now or later.
I don't know what went wrong as we have spent more quality time together over the past 4-months, regardless of the situation at the time. Along with doing home improvement projects, house searching, spending more time with her son and family, ect.
I am miserable with out affection and now I have to go through the waiting process for her to leave again, if in fact she does or changes her mine.
I don't know how I am going to do this time around. Staying sober is the most important thing.
Is this torcher process normal.
Thanks for your advise
To explain one thing that I did not do very well is controlling my jealeoousy. During the first 4-months my wife made it clear she was leaving to go back home and take another job and collect retirement at the same time. I held fast to AA and went through all the highs and lows in understanding what she went through and what path I needed to travel. I did so but in the ned she was leaving at this point and I have to prepare myself for that moment, it did not happen.
Now during the past two months plus I continued my aa and worked on what she requested were my personal relationship faults. We had good and bad times but for the most part good.
During this period I just felt she had one foot out the door and my jealeously just got the best of me and when I confronted her about my feeling and crazy thoughts it just made things worst and she mentioned separation, which we agreed not to do.
Over the past 3-weeks my need for effection and emotions hit a wall and told her at was ready to bail because I had no idea what to do anymore. This was all discussed along with my thoughts, again, about her having a cyber attraction to someone.
During my statement separation came up again and since this time it came from my lips, the first 3-time came from her, she has decided to jump on the idea and that is where we stand.
We had planned after her job opportunity and moved failed, we would still look to buying a place near her family and work on getting her home and continue working on us as she got settled in.
I feel the negative ending would have happened with any negative discussion we may have had whether it was now or later.
I don't know what went wrong as we have spent more quality time together over the past 4-months, regardless of the situation at the time. Along with doing home improvement projects, house searching, spending more time with her son and family, ect.
I am miserable with out affection and now I have to go through the waiting process for her to leave again, if in fact she does or changes her mine.
I don't know how I am going to do this time around. Staying sober is the most important thing.
Is this torcher process normal.
Thanks for your advise
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not sure if jealousy is the problem that's causing your separation or not, but for now, it seems you need to accept what is. It sounds like your wife has made a decision, at this time. You have no control over anything but yourself, and that includes your wife and your marriage. All you can do is to stay sober, continue to recover and grow and show your wife that you are changing. Try to believe that things are working out as they should
to SR! There's a lot of support here. I hope we can help you get thru this difficult time sober. Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
I can tell you from a women's perspective that returning affections towards someone who has hurt me so badly is a really really hard bridge to cross back over. It would be, in my opinion the last thing you could be expecting.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Welcome gofred 
I'm not sure I have any advice either - sometimes relationships are so damaged it really goes beyond who did what or said what....I've been there twice.
Maybe it's best to focus on your recovery for now and trust that whatever happens - whether you reunite or not - will be the best in the long run for both you and your wife.
D
I'm not sure I have any advice either - sometimes relationships are so damaged it really goes beyond who did what or said what....I've been there twice.
Maybe it's best to focus on your recovery for now and trust that whatever happens - whether you reunite or not - will be the best in the long run for both you and your wife.
D
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I can't give advice from a distance. It sounds as though things are a roller-coaster mess right now.
I work with couples frequently and am usually thrilled to do it. Most people find excuses not to work in couples therapy, and the relationship then tends to collapse under the weight of all the conflicts and disappointments.
I strongly suggest that you make an appointment for a consultation. There are few things that are as heartbreaking as the thought or regret that begins with the words "If only I would have tried...(fill in the blank)."
I work with couples frequently and am usually thrilled to do it. Most people find excuses not to work in couples therapy, and the relationship then tends to collapse under the weight of all the conflicts and disappointments.
I strongly suggest that you make an appointment for a consultation. There are few things that are as heartbreaking as the thought or regret that begins with the words "If only I would have tried...(fill in the blank)."
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