New here, on my 3rd day of sobriety
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New York, NY
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New here, on my 3rd day of sobriety
Hi all, I just discovered this forum today and I thought I'd chime in.
I'm 39, and I've been aware that I've been drinking excessively for a good 15 years now. Went through a divorce in 2008, largely unrelated to my alcohol problem, although I'm sure there was that element.
My new wife, whom I just married last year, doesn't know all of my history regarding alcohol. We have our little ritual, she has two glasses of wine a night, 3 on weekends, and I match her glass to glass. Only thing is, I've been mostly hiding my addiction from her, but she's obviously not a stupid woman and knows that there's a problem. Recently, she convinced me to see a doctor to get checked out and of course my liver enzymes are sky-high, as well as blood pressure and cholesterol are out of spec, which confirmed her suspicions. I've also had issues with acid reflux and am on Omeprazole to mitigate it. I am pretty sure that it's due to the alcohol intake.
I like to wash the dishes, and the kitchen is around a nook where I am out of eyeshot with her, and it's trivial for me to hide a bottle of hooch in the upper cabinet, and I swig on it the whole time I'm cleaning up the kitchen. She has repeatedly remarked on how she doesn't understand how I'm ending up so hammered because she doesn't see me drink any more than two or three glasses of wine. So, yeah. 3 glasses is just getting warmed up.
Anyway, Thursday night was when it came to a head. I had hidden a 1.5L bottle of wine in the cabinet. I cooked a nice Italian dinner, all the while swigging on the wine. A swig in the pot, a swig down the throat! Maybe a few more swigs down the throat! Dinner came out great, the kitchen was a mess, and I spent two hours getting hammered and cleaning up. I don't remember much else until the morning when I woke up to go to work.
I had slept on the couch, and I went in to get dressed and she was awake, and said "Do you remember last night?"
Me: "Um, yeah." (I do remember something about her being really angry with me but no specifics) "Sorry, I've got to get to work. Love you."
Her daily email to me while I'm at work had a rather terse tone, and was all business. She was asking me about something doctor related but didn't discuss anything else and didn't include any of the regular pleasantries. I knew I was in trouble.
Came home, she was silent. I offered her leftovers from the night before, she said no. We sat next to each other in silence until about 8pm, and finally she said "So are we gonna talk about last night?"
She told me in tears how I had ended up in the bathroom, passed out, wedged against the door. She couldn't open the door (we only have the one bathroom in the apartment) and she didn't know whether I was dead or alive in there. She tried to wake me up for a half hour, and said she was really close to calling 911 to have them come break the door down. At some point I moved enough to let her in, and she couldn't get me to stand up for another 10 minutes or so. She said when I finally did get up, I was belligerent with her.
I am not a violent person and this is not me. She warned me that if I ever got physical with her, I'd be in jail before I knew what hit me. I've never been physically violent with either my ex-wife (as much as we fought like cats and dogs verbally) and I told her "Well I don't have any history of that", but she felt she needed to express it to me anyway. My new wife and I rarely get into any drama on a normal basis, even with my getting hammered every night, I take great pains to keep to myself. Usually my drinking occurs after she goes to bed, but sometimes I jump the gun when I'm having too much of a good time.
So she asked me, "What are you going to do about this? I'm not living like this anymore. My stepmom died of alcoholism, she'd end up inexplicably drunk and would deny drinking, and we'd go around the house and look for bottles she'd hidden. I already lived that life once, I'm not going through that again. So. What are you going to do?"
I said, "Well, there's only one answer. I need to give up the liquor."
She said, "Well are you sure this is what you want to do? I don't want to feel guilty about having my couple glasses of wine, but I will support you in any way you need, and if that includes giving that up, I will."
I told her "No, I need to stop drinking, and that includes learning to live around people who can handle their liquor."
Anyway, so far so good. I realize I have a long way to go, though, and I'm at the very beginning of my journey. Perhaps you notice I am speaking in present tense about a lot of my drinking behavior, because it is not yet in the past. I've gone on the wagon before, my longest period being three weeks several years ago during my previous marriage. (my ex convinced me that I'd kicked it after 3 weeks, and I started drinking again, one of the myriad reasons she's my ex)
Last night I was in a rotten mood (I'm always in a rotten mood the second sober day, that's when the discomfort and moodiness from excess adrenaline is at its height), and was short with her on a number of occasions, but we got through it. The alcoholic voice kept says "If you just have a glass you'll feel better." This morning seems easier. I woke up with a salty taste in my mouth, and I still feel weirdly hungover-but-not-really-hunger. It's weird to be straight on a weekend, somehow it just seems wrong in the back of my head. But I know I need to do this. To save my wife, and to save my life.
I'm 39, and I've been aware that I've been drinking excessively for a good 15 years now. Went through a divorce in 2008, largely unrelated to my alcohol problem, although I'm sure there was that element.
My new wife, whom I just married last year, doesn't know all of my history regarding alcohol. We have our little ritual, she has two glasses of wine a night, 3 on weekends, and I match her glass to glass. Only thing is, I've been mostly hiding my addiction from her, but she's obviously not a stupid woman and knows that there's a problem. Recently, she convinced me to see a doctor to get checked out and of course my liver enzymes are sky-high, as well as blood pressure and cholesterol are out of spec, which confirmed her suspicions. I've also had issues with acid reflux and am on Omeprazole to mitigate it. I am pretty sure that it's due to the alcohol intake.
I like to wash the dishes, and the kitchen is around a nook where I am out of eyeshot with her, and it's trivial for me to hide a bottle of hooch in the upper cabinet, and I swig on it the whole time I'm cleaning up the kitchen. She has repeatedly remarked on how she doesn't understand how I'm ending up so hammered because she doesn't see me drink any more than two or three glasses of wine. So, yeah. 3 glasses is just getting warmed up.
Anyway, Thursday night was when it came to a head. I had hidden a 1.5L bottle of wine in the cabinet. I cooked a nice Italian dinner, all the while swigging on the wine. A swig in the pot, a swig down the throat! Maybe a few more swigs down the throat! Dinner came out great, the kitchen was a mess, and I spent two hours getting hammered and cleaning up. I don't remember much else until the morning when I woke up to go to work.
I had slept on the couch, and I went in to get dressed and she was awake, and said "Do you remember last night?"
Me: "Um, yeah." (I do remember something about her being really angry with me but no specifics) "Sorry, I've got to get to work. Love you."
Her daily email to me while I'm at work had a rather terse tone, and was all business. She was asking me about something doctor related but didn't discuss anything else and didn't include any of the regular pleasantries. I knew I was in trouble.
Came home, she was silent. I offered her leftovers from the night before, she said no. We sat next to each other in silence until about 8pm, and finally she said "So are we gonna talk about last night?"
She told me in tears how I had ended up in the bathroom, passed out, wedged against the door. She couldn't open the door (we only have the one bathroom in the apartment) and she didn't know whether I was dead or alive in there. She tried to wake me up for a half hour, and said she was really close to calling 911 to have them come break the door down. At some point I moved enough to let her in, and she couldn't get me to stand up for another 10 minutes or so. She said when I finally did get up, I was belligerent with her.
I am not a violent person and this is not me. She warned me that if I ever got physical with her, I'd be in jail before I knew what hit me. I've never been physically violent with either my ex-wife (as much as we fought like cats and dogs verbally) and I told her "Well I don't have any history of that", but she felt she needed to express it to me anyway. My new wife and I rarely get into any drama on a normal basis, even with my getting hammered every night, I take great pains to keep to myself. Usually my drinking occurs after she goes to bed, but sometimes I jump the gun when I'm having too much of a good time.
So she asked me, "What are you going to do about this? I'm not living like this anymore. My stepmom died of alcoholism, she'd end up inexplicably drunk and would deny drinking, and we'd go around the house and look for bottles she'd hidden. I already lived that life once, I'm not going through that again. So. What are you going to do?"
I said, "Well, there's only one answer. I need to give up the liquor."
She said, "Well are you sure this is what you want to do? I don't want to feel guilty about having my couple glasses of wine, but I will support you in any way you need, and if that includes giving that up, I will."
I told her "No, I need to stop drinking, and that includes learning to live around people who can handle their liquor."
Anyway, so far so good. I realize I have a long way to go, though, and I'm at the very beginning of my journey. Perhaps you notice I am speaking in present tense about a lot of my drinking behavior, because it is not yet in the past. I've gone on the wagon before, my longest period being three weeks several years ago during my previous marriage. (my ex convinced me that I'd kicked it after 3 weeks, and I started drinking again, one of the myriad reasons she's my ex)
Last night I was in a rotten mood (I'm always in a rotten mood the second sober day, that's when the discomfort and moodiness from excess adrenaline is at its height), and was short with her on a number of occasions, but we got through it. The alcoholic voice kept says "If you just have a glass you'll feel better." This morning seems easier. I woke up with a salty taste in my mouth, and I still feel weirdly hungover-but-not-really-hunger. It's weird to be straight on a weekend, somehow it just seems wrong in the back of my head. But I know I need to do this. To save my wife, and to save my life.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
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Welcome!
A lot of us feel so sneaky about our drinking. Like we're smarter than everyone else so we can get away with it. Or we get off on the thrill of drinking in secret.
I did the exact thing you did in my last relationship. If my girlfriend had 2 drinks, I would have 2 as well. But then I'd go drink a pint of vodka in the bathroom while I was "brushing my teeth."
We can never hide our drinking forever. Be grateful she is giving you an opportunity to help yourself. But this is really about you. Do you want to have to live this double life for the rest of your existence?
Judging by the fact that you haven't drank today, I would say so. Just keep it up!
A lot of us feel so sneaky about our drinking. Like we're smarter than everyone else so we can get away with it. Or we get off on the thrill of drinking in secret.
I did the exact thing you did in my last relationship. If my girlfriend had 2 drinks, I would have 2 as well. But then I'd go drink a pint of vodka in the bathroom while I was "brushing my teeth."
We can never hide our drinking forever. Be grateful she is giving you an opportunity to help yourself. But this is really about you. Do you want to have to live this double life for the rest of your existence?
Judging by the fact that you haven't drank today, I would say so. Just keep it up!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK (England)
Posts: 2,782
Welcome GetBusyLivin74, Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to many aspects of what you said. No one understood why i would end up hammered after having a "couple" of glasses of wine with them either. Little did they know that i would have already finished a bottle of wine by myself first. That changed in the end though and everyone caught on to what i was doing. Sobriety is so much better. Its nice not having to sneak around anymore. Lots of support on SR. Glad you are here. 
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 7
digdug and hayley86: Yeah it gets really complicated, sneaking bottles in, finding and protecting their hiding places, moving stuff around to avoid detection. I'm a master at it. I shouldn't feel good about this, ugh.
With my first marriage, I drank like a fish in front of/with my wife (she didn't drink as badly as I did, but she was also a lush). I didn't have do much sneaking around with her.
My new wife is a lot more sensitive and obviously cares a whole lot more for my well-being, which I am keenly aware of. Unfortunately that dynamic drove me to go underground. Apparently I'm pretty good at hiding things because I still haven't owned up to her completely. I expect that will be part of my recovery, all in good time. I need to kick the physical addiction first, then I can work on the relationship stuff. One thing at a time.
I've done a lot of reading, and have attended an AA meeting or two in the past, read the Alcoholics Anonymous book cover to cover, etc., so I'm familiar with all of the things that are required to accomplish this monumental task at hand, but I am equipped to do it.
The biggest step for me so far was to tell my wife I'm quitting. She will help me with it, she's good like that.
She dragged me kicking and screaming to get my credit score improved, and believe me that was tough for me, because it brought up a lot of personal **** from the past and my first marriage that I hadn't dealt with.
I imagine this might be a similar journey. This is far more important than my credit score, though.
With my first marriage, I drank like a fish in front of/with my wife (she didn't drink as badly as I did, but she was also a lush). I didn't have do much sneaking around with her.
My new wife is a lot more sensitive and obviously cares a whole lot more for my well-being, which I am keenly aware of. Unfortunately that dynamic drove me to go underground. Apparently I'm pretty good at hiding things because I still haven't owned up to her completely. I expect that will be part of my recovery, all in good time. I need to kick the physical addiction first, then I can work on the relationship stuff. One thing at a time.
I've done a lot of reading, and have attended an AA meeting or two in the past, read the Alcoholics Anonymous book cover to cover, etc., so I'm familiar with all of the things that are required to accomplish this monumental task at hand, but I am equipped to do it.
The biggest step for me so far was to tell my wife I'm quitting. She will help me with it, she's good like that.
She dragged me kicking and screaming to get my credit score improved, and believe me that was tough for me, because it brought up a lot of personal **** from the past and my first marriage that I hadn't dealt with.
I imagine this might be a similar journey. This is far more important than my credit score, though.
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I was a closet drinker, too and I couldn't believe how exhausting it was. In the end, it was such a relief to just stop drinking.
I'm glad you're ready to do this and I know you will find lots of support here.
I'm glad you're ready to do this and I know you will find lots of support here.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by Anna 
I was a closet drinker, too and I couldn't believe how exhausting it was. In the end, it was such a relief to just stop drinking.
I'm glad you're ready to do this and I know you will find lots of support here.
I'm glad you're ready to do this and I know you will find lots of support here.
Yeah it's a huge weight lifted off me, to be sure. I would always worry about whether she had found my stash, or would catch me sneaking a swig off my secret bottle. That's completely gone now. No more stress about that anymore.
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Great post GetBusy! Very happy to meet you - I think SR will be very helpful.
I agree with Anna - it was much harder to keep trying to control what I drank than to quit. Wish I hadn't continued into my 50's insisting I could use willpower to have 'a few'. It never worked once. It feels so good to be free of it. I'm glad you want that for yourself - you can do this!
I agree with Anna - it was much harder to keep trying to control what I drank than to quit. Wish I hadn't continued into my 50's insisting I could use willpower to have 'a few'. It never worked once. It feels so good to be free of it. I'm glad you want that for yourself - you can do this!
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Originally Posted by GetBusyLivin74
Thanks, it looks like a good place to be.
Yeah it's a huge weight lifted off me, to be sure. I would always worry about whether she had found my stash, or would catch me sneaking a swig off my secret bottle. That's completely gone now. No more stress about that anymore.
Yeah it's a huge weight lifted off me, to be sure. I would always worry about whether she had found my stash, or would catch me sneaking a swig off my secret bottle. That's completely gone now. No more stress about that anymore.
But then I remember I didn't tell any lies or have any reason to worry about getting caught. All my secrets are out in the open. I have nothing to hide now.
I'm proud of you for having the courage to open up to your wife like that!
to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family. Member
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I always hated the "do you remember what you said to me last night?" My heart always sank when asked that question. I also hid bottles from my wife, hell sometimes I would sneak a swig practically right in front of her and she wouldn't see it.
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Oof, day 3 is almost over, I think. I'm up way late. BP is running high... 150/99 71 pulse. Been in a quick-to-anger mood since Saturday, snapped at the wife today for no reason this afternoon. I realized right away that my reaction was inappropriate. I haven't apologized to her about that. I should. I will tomorrow, it's bothering me.
I think I experienced the "fog" today, either that or it was an OD on caffeine. I drank a bunch of really strong black tea this morning, the caffeine buzz was fun for a bit, but that was a mistake. I felt lightheaded and couldn't think straight. No evidence of DTs, no shakes or anything like that. Just checked again, hands are steady. No caffeine tomorrow. Will check BP again in the morning.
I cooked a nice dinner, chile verde with beef, tried a new idea I had, she said it tasted great, the best one I've made thus far. Success! Her cousin in AZ makes the best chile verde ever, so she's tough to please with that. Did all the dishes as normal, sipped cranberry juice and then hibiscus tea out of my usual wine glass. Was wishing I had some vodka to spike the glass. Isn't the same, but it looked nice and red and gave me sort of perverse comfort because it looked like a glass of nice cab. Wife stopped by to make sure it was just juice and not spiked with booze--I encouraged her to check up on me. I love her. No hard booze in the house, only the wine she drinks, and some collector's craft ale we are saving for a special occasion. Well, I guess she's saving now, ugh. Can't touch the good stuff without severe repercussions, not even considering it. She'll notice it missing.
I slept okay last night, but tonight I'm not even tired. Alcoholic voice keeps whispering into my brain "One glass of wine then go to sleep, just one. It'll be fine. She won't know, she's in bed and you're out here on the couch. One glass never hurt anyone." ARGH. Anxiety.
I'll keep reading the forums until my eyes can't stay open anymore. It helps to write this down.
I think I experienced the "fog" today, either that or it was an OD on caffeine. I drank a bunch of really strong black tea this morning, the caffeine buzz was fun for a bit, but that was a mistake. I felt lightheaded and couldn't think straight. No evidence of DTs, no shakes or anything like that. Just checked again, hands are steady. No caffeine tomorrow. Will check BP again in the morning.
I cooked a nice dinner, chile verde with beef, tried a new idea I had, she said it tasted great, the best one I've made thus far. Success! Her cousin in AZ makes the best chile verde ever, so she's tough to please with that. Did all the dishes as normal, sipped cranberry juice and then hibiscus tea out of my usual wine glass. Was wishing I had some vodka to spike the glass. Isn't the same, but it looked nice and red and gave me sort of perverse comfort because it looked like a glass of nice cab. Wife stopped by to make sure it was just juice and not spiked with booze--I encouraged her to check up on me. I love her. No hard booze in the house, only the wine she drinks, and some collector's craft ale we are saving for a special occasion. Well, I guess she's saving now, ugh. Can't touch the good stuff without severe repercussions, not even considering it. She'll notice it missing.
I slept okay last night, but tonight I'm not even tired. Alcoholic voice keeps whispering into my brain "One glass of wine then go to sleep, just one. It'll be fine. She won't know, she's in bed and you're out here on the couch. One glass never hurt anyone." ARGH. Anxiety.
I'll keep reading the forums until my eyes can't stay open anymore. It helps to write this down.
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Well, I made it through the night without falling off.
Once I got to sleep, I slept okay but now I'm up and have to get into the office early today (big day at work today), and I'm already feeling some anxiety. I'm normally a very laid-back person who doesn't stress about much of anything so this is a little different. Hopefully it passes soon, not a nice feeling.
BP is down some, 142/94, 70 pulse. Hands are still steady.
Once I got to sleep, I slept okay but now I'm up and have to get into the office early today (big day at work today), and I'm already feeling some anxiety. I'm normally a very laid-back person who doesn't stress about much of anything so this is a little different. Hopefully it passes soon, not a nice feeling.
BP is down some, 142/94, 70 pulse. Hands are still steady.
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Thanks for the encouragement folks, it helps to hear that, really.
Made it through another day. Mood is much better. Still have the voice nagging me "Just one glass of wine, it's okay." BP is 155/99 63 pulse... argh!
I am tired now so I think I'll try getting some sleep. Night.
Made it through another day. Mood is much better. Still have the voice nagging me "Just one glass of wine, it's okay." BP is 155/99 63 pulse... argh!
I am tired now so I think I'll try getting some sleep. Night.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
for me it was never just one glass of anything alcoholic ... after an hour , a day , a week , a month , i'd end up drinking till i couldn't drink anymore ... sometimes it's good to "think the drink through" on several timeframes
Stick with it GBL
Bestwishes , m
Stick with it GBL
Bestwishes , m
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Hi there, haven't logged in in a few days, just thought I'd post a followup.
Welp, I fell off a bit on Tuesday night. Gulped down 3 glasses of wine out of the last part of a boxwine bag after the wife went to bed. Woke up without a hangover, and I've been on the wagon since. If we subtract out Tuesday, I'm at one week of sobriety. Not bad. I'm feeling a lot better, my BP was 135/97 this morning which is far better than it was earlier in the week! The alcoholic voice in my head is a bit quieter now. Still there, but not shouting at me nearly as loudly. I'm thankful for that. Irritability is mostly gone.
On the medical side, I went in for a CT scan Tuesday and results came back yesterday showing a fatty liver. So it's real, now, I've done some damage. Definitely need to stay off the sauce to get my liver back to good health. I'm seeing the doc Monday to go over results.
Welp, I fell off a bit on Tuesday night. Gulped down 3 glasses of wine out of the last part of a boxwine bag after the wife went to bed. Woke up without a hangover, and I've been on the wagon since. If we subtract out Tuesday, I'm at one week of sobriety. Not bad. I'm feeling a lot better, my BP was 135/97 this morning which is far better than it was earlier in the week! The alcoholic voice in my head is a bit quieter now. Still there, but not shouting at me nearly as loudly. I'm thankful for that. Irritability is mostly gone.
On the medical side, I went in for a CT scan Tuesday and results came back yesterday showing a fatty liver. So it's real, now, I've done some damage. Definitely need to stay off the sauce to get my liver back to good health. I'm seeing the doc Monday to go over results.
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