Toomutch

I went to the gym today with every intention on coming home and getting drunk on the vodka I had hidden. Thank God I didn't drink it... I instead poured in down the drain.

Although I am glad I did so; I am now having a panic attack. I'm not sure why... I do have a lot of change going on in my life right now and under a great deal of stress. So maybe that's why.

I know the vodka would have taken the panic away for awhile until I sobered up and felt even worse. I have been drinking while my boyfriend was at work and then getting in bed to take a nap about an hour before he was due home. He thought nothing of it because I have fibromyagia and need naps most days anyway. When I would wake up groggy and out of sorts I would tell him it was because I needed a full dosage of pain meds, which I have a prescription for and he didn't question it.

Last night I ruined dinner by not cooking the chicken before putting it in the casserole among many other mistakes. He ended up cooking dinner because I burned myself. I had an awful night as did he. I was extremely moody and felt like crap.

Anyway... For today I won't drink. I want him to come home to the bright eyed woman that he has grown to love instead of this monster inside me when I drink.

I never drank by myself early in the day before I sobered up for 5 years and now that I am drinking again I am and it scares me to death.

Hopefully this is a start to total abstinence again, time will tell. All I know is at least I am sober for today.

Jeni26

Well done for chucking it away. I understand that feeling of anxiety, it's like losing a crutch that you have learned to rely on. Thing is, for me, the worst anxiety I ever had was when I woke up in the morning after drinking to blackout the night before. There has been nothing to match it, even in my most difficult days of recovery.

You were sober for 5 years, something must have been working for you. I hope this is the first step in your way back to that.

KDBnSLC

Kudos to you for dumping it out!!!! I'm on day 10 and you just inspired me to stay sober.

Bird615

I was getting scared myself this time when I started doing all the things I used to do when I drank before. I knew what came next: doing things I'd never done yet and never dreamed I would ever do.

That's the progression, and I couldn't fool myself that I wasn't headed that way.

Good for you for turning around.

lorelei

huge well done toomuch, I know its scary, like someones taken away a crutch from you, but thats a massive step, you want to get well, big hugs xxx

ScottFromWI

I reached a point in my life where I started doing a lot of things with alcohol that I had never done either. What they were really isn't important, but i did sober up for a while and though I was OK. Then I went back to "moderation" and things went downhill even farther, and I did even more things I never thought i'd do. Bottom line, for just about everyone it seems things get worse every time - so I'm very glad you have decided that you don't want to go there anymore. Let us know how we can help, and I think your plan to just worry about today is perfect.

SoberChristy

That's really brave of you, Toomuch. TODAY is the most important step.

Anna

I've heard of many people saying the same thing. You pick up where you left off, and for me, that would be a nightmare. I'm glad you got rid of the vodka.

least

Good for you for dumping it down the drain. You don't need it anyway. Allow the sober you to be in charge now. The sober you is a happier person.

serious

great job of not giving in.
this is no small victory...

you know what it's like to be sober and you know what it's like to be the "monster when you drink". i hope you continue to make the right choice.

freshstart57

I poured out my vodka one day too, and it was almost all of a 60 oz bottle. I chose the toilet rather than the sink, I thought it was appropriate. And I. Was. Terrified.

But, underlying this fear, there was a feeling of freedom, of release, a feeling of relief. I decided that I didn't have to drink any longer, and that I was not going to drink again. I hope you too feel that you are free, and that you never have to go back to drinking. Ever.

The fear soon left me, replaced by a solid determination, and a solemn commitment to getting and staying sober. You can do this too, TooMuch. You can be free, and be free for good.

Serenity1972

Pouring the Vodka down the drain is a huge step in the right direction. You had 5 years of sobriety and you can get that back. You did it once, you can do it again. Alcoholism is progressive and it only gets worse each time we go back out and pick up that first drink. I am wishing you the best and I hope to see you around the boards more often.

misspond

You're not stupid and neither is he. He loves you anyway so why not pull him on-side and have him help you? I wish you all the best and know that you can do this xx

Toomutch

Just woke up from a nap and was so relieved that I woke up clear headed without that dreadful feeling that I had yesterday and other countless times.
There was a period of time this afternoon when I was wishing I hadn't dumped it out and was actually contemplating going out to the liquor store to buy some more.
Waking up in this happy frame of mind makes me thank God I didn't. I can actually go cook a nice dinner without burning myself and ruining everything. I am looking forward to a peaceful night without anger and drama.

jaynie04

Toomuch....boy I identify! I have fibro too. I don't work, would drink after i got my daughter from school, then take a nap before my husband got home. Then while I was cooking dinner I would play hide the ever re-topped wine glass. I was completely preoccupied with that glass. I would move it around while I was cooking from inside the stove to behind the microwave or way down inside a vase holding a potted plant. Then I would lose it and have to pour another one.

I would hide the next one, behind the drapes in the dining room, or behind a leaning picture, in a drawer I knew no one would open....

Someone on SR was talking about taking a trip today. Right away my brain flashed to a big black suitcase open on the floor with 2 bottles of white wine laid in there before I started packing. Not 3 because that would have made the suitcase too heavy.

I realized I have a wine screw in my makeup bag for when I would travel....

I just hit send by mistake....I was going to scrap this because it is so embarrassing. Maybe I need to look at these behaviors and not hit delete....because the insanity of the way I was living is glaring....

nettles

jaynie, I've found bottles and remnants of my use in the craziest places. Broiler pans, buffet in the dining room, behind books in bookshelves...I'm glad you didn't delete your post. We all do the same things. Bringing these things out in the open heals us.

Notmyrealname

No worries, jaynie, forum is anonymous! Also your behavior is pretty standard stuff for our kind. I used to have gin in my golf bag, and gin in my jacket pocket in the closet (open the closet, rummage around, take a big shot, close closet, "hey what's goin on!"), and booze in my underwear drawer, and in my file cabinet in the computer room, and in my bedroom closet, and in the cupboard in the laundry room, and . . you get the idea.