penelope222

Ive recently joined and found this to be very helpful. Ive started going to alanon which also helps but unfortunately cant make a meeting this week. Ive started going through the twelve steps of codependency and for the first time they have made sense in my heart. I admit i am an addict too and trying to fix someone for my own benefit so as i coild feel good and worthy...without having to ever examine myself. Well ive examined myself. Needy controlling desperate for love and acceptance, afraid, a victim, a dictator...totally confused. Never allowed myself to feel my own emotion but only blend in with the emotion of the other. Wanted sympathy while insisting i didnt want sympathy. More than anything wanted admiration. And i actually thought that helping people find themselves ( usually boyfriends) was my purpose on earth even though im on addict number 3 with no fixing in sight and previous addicts 1 and 2 were none the better off for having the glory of my helpful presence in their lives. I thought i had failed! Now while feeling i was failig again i finally understood in my heart that im powerless over others and my life had truly become unmanigeable. For the first time ever i felt a relief! He is not my job. Its finally hit home. Im happy...now im scared too for i dont know what to do in this relationship with the emotionally unavailable father of my child whos either out of his head or recovering from it....silence...or a short answer to everything. He minds the child while i work and shes growing up to see that mom and dad never talk and dad is always gone at weekends. Ive lost interest in what he does...its his problem..but for her growing up watching this??

jjj111

Wow, Penelope, it sounds like you have gotten real with yourself, I admire your ability to be so honest about your own role in the cycle of codependence! It sounds like you are getting to a new level of detachment and self awareness. I'm sure that the hard work you have been doing will soon help you to figure out what is the best path forward for you and your children and the courage to go down that path.

Ann

Good for you for thinking of your child. You must be her voice, her protector, her mother.

You are doing well reaching out for your own recovery. I can suggest nothing better than that.

Hugs