Sadconfused

I have came to the realization that I really want to be out on my own. I've never had the chance too, or I never had the nerve to take the chance. I am almost 28 and have never left my parents house. I always vowed too when I turned 18 and to never come back because of my dad and his drinking. I basically stayed with any family member or friend I could from 12 to 16. My grandmother who basically was the only normal person I had growing up died 2 days before my 16th bday. Not long after that my parents left abf move in with us cause he had no where to go. He did, his dad was moving 3 counties away. He couldve went to but being the blindly in love teen girl I was I begged my parents to let him stay with us. It was only suppose to be temporary until he could get his own place there. He was 21 at the time and not an A. I still kinda hate my parents for allowing it to happen. Now that I have a daughter of my own I cant understand how any parent could allow such a big decision to be made by a little girl. I dont care how much she begged, it would never ever happen. So anyways a yr or so passes and my dad had a heart attack, he was told if he didnt quit drinking it would kill him. He quit and for the first time in my entire 17 yrs I had an almost normal home life with my parents. The arguing stopped, the anger, anxiety, and stress was gone. Life was pretty good for once and I stayed.

Now 11 yrs later, life is the way it was before. Almost worse. My mom finally left my dad after he started drinking again. I would be proud of her for this had she not left for another alcoholic man that is way worse than my dad and she still technically lives here, she just comes and goes as she pleases. It creates more stress between her and my dad. She never really stopped the cycle, just gave herself an escape from it when she decides too leaving me behind to deal with my drunken father and abf.

Anyways, I am rambling off topic and my main point is that I never felt I was allowed to go off on my own and live for myself. I have always felt so responsible for everyone. Like it was my job to stay and take care of everyone else, my dad, my mom, abf. I never got pushed out of the nest I guess.

I decided to look at some rentals in a different county. The housing assistance is closed where I am and I have no job so I cant afford anything in the city I am currently in that would allow me to keep the dogs I have. Rent is much cheaper there and I would qualify for assistance. Looking at the house made me really excited, I couldnt imagine what it would feel like to have my own house. My own space with my own rules and peace for me and my kid. To be my own person. It would be scary but omg I wouldnt even know what to with myself......... Then all my doubt sets back in, what would my dad do, abf would never give me any peace, where would he go. I mentioned to my mom and my aunt, both only had negative response. Now I am depressed again. Never any encouragement from anyone in my life. Arent you suppose to want better for the people you love? Isnt a parent suppose to want there kid to be able to maintain on their own? Isnt that the point of raising a kid, You teach them how to live on their own and make a life for them self? No wonder I am so screwed up.........

SparkleKitty

Sadconfused, hurting people hurt people. It's very sad, but it is not a reflection on you. Hang on that excitement you felt looking at houses and imagining a life on your own -- I felt it, too, just reading your words!

I know we're just strangers on the internet, but you have an SR ARMY here rooting for you and supporting you!

amy55

This dream of yours is all possible. It really is. Call the DV #, they can also provide you with job training, and childcare, and can also assist you with finding housing.

Go for your dream, you deserve the best.

Hammer

Crawl, walk, run, fly.

First learn to crawl.

How do you become self-supporting?

Do not have to go anywhere to do that.

Sadconfused

Thats the bad part, I have worked since I was 14, finished high school and have a collage degree in electronic engineering. I have every thing I need to have a successful happy life if I can get past the codependency and go for it. The problem is there isnt a lot of help welfare wise here for daycare, housing, etc because it is a fairly big city and the waiting list have become so long that they have closed most of it down for now.

I am very fearful of calling the DV line for some reason. Im not sure why, I just am. I keep finding excuses not to call, I dont have enough private time, They cant tell me anything I dont already know, blah blah blah. I need to just do it and make that first step, A little courage at a time.

I was wondering, it says they offer an advocate with some counselling. Will they offer that even if I am still with him/dont feel ready to leave? I just need to call and make myself go to an alanon meeting. I cant do this all alone no matter how much I tell myself I can. I know none of this is happening anytime soon with the house but I think this is going to be my first real goal for myself. By the end of the school yr I would like to be in a house of my own with just me and my daughter. It is all really scary but I think if I can do it and prove to myself I am capable it will be a very rewarding fulfilling accomplishment.

Hammer

How does THAT square with THIS?

amy55

Yes they do offer counseling even if you are not living at the shelter. There are a lot of things that they can help you with without being in the shelter. The shelter though is a good step though to getting out.

I did call them, and I have stayed at the shelter.

amy55

They can provide you with shelter and day care while you look for a job and get yourself situated.

Sadconfused

I never got a job after I finished college almost 6 yrs ago so my degree is basically useless now. Even with a good paying job in my field I would have to work overtime to afford rent and bills even in the smallest cheapest places here and thats not counting daycare which is outrageous and with no open assistance available I could never afford it. I had everything all planned out, I was on my way to leaving abf, I had a nice car I was paying for on my own, about to finish college, a job lined up that I loved. Then like an idiot I got pregnant, and believe me now that I have my daughter I would never trade her for the world but it sent me into a bad place. I lost my car, didnt take the job, went into depression and denial. I landed myself in a really bad place. I did all the worst possible things I could do when I was pregnant. I shouldve continue on my plan, stepped up and made a life for me and her instead of hiding but I didnt. I am trying to do that now, its a lot harder than it wouldve been had I done it then but I am trying. I am trying to make my and her life better, I am trying to find a way to happy.

I need to call the hotline, that is my first step. I know nothing will change unless I make the steps to change it. I wish it hadnt taken me so long to get to this point but it did. All I can do now is try to keep taking the right steps.

amy55

Your degree is not useless, just hone up on your skills. Bring it up to date. DV can help you with all of this and help you to find your dream.

You are strong, and you can do this, just take that first step. Pick up the phone.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Also in your dream, weren't you thinking of moving to another area that was more affordable?

Sadconfused

I wouldnt mind relocating, i like it here. All of my family is here and there are a lot more jobs but the cost of living is so high and like i said not a lot of helpl welfar wise is availible so yea I am willing to leave the area because realistically i wont have much choice. Honestly the biggest thing is i have 4 dogs, three of which are 80 plus pounds so it would be hard to find another place here that would allow it in my price range once I could get a job.

amy55

Hey, when I got divorced, no way could I have afforded to live anywhere in New Jersey. I moved to Pa. More or less, somewhat in the middle of nowhere. Bought a house, my mortgage, insurance and taxes were less then $500. per month. Within a half hour of me or 45 minutes of me, there are big companies that pay well.

I didn't want to be far from my family. I guess to some 2 hours is far, but it' OK with me. I can do a day trip there and back in the same day. I could probably have found something closer to them, but I like this area, and I like my peace and serenity, and I have a phone.

So lets talk some more about your dream !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sadconfused

The town i am thinking is somewhere i love. I use to spend a lot of time mountain biking there as they have a few more parks. Its not as huge as the city i am in now but its not as tiny as where I grew up. Only about 45 mins away from here so not all that bad at all. I love the area, its a pretty peaceful town and its the capitol of the state so there are jobs. The cost of living is way lower than here. I can a way nicer house for the same price as here that has a yard big enough for my dogs. I think i would be happy there.

amy55

Yanno, I kept putting things off and putting things off because of the FOG, (fear, obligation, guilt). You are so young and you can have all of this. You can have a good life. Your daughter can have a good life.

Think of that big yard, and those parks that you can take your dogs to, and the mountain biking that you can do with your daughter.

Think of how nice it would be to be free with the wind blowing in your hair, and just going out and appreciating the beauty of life.

I have been following your story, so I do know how hard this is for you.

My advice, today dream, tomorrow do. I'll be here for you.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

amy55

Gotta say, that first call to the DV hotline is hard. I put it off and off till I couldn't take it anymore. My first phone call went like this.

Me: Hi, ummmmmmmm, I don't know why I am calling but I need help

Them: Can you tell me a little about what you are going through

Me: I don't know, I just know I need help.

Them: Are you feeling threatened right now, or do you just need to talk?

Me: ummmmm, I just need to talk, but I don't know what I should say. I don't know if I'm crazy or if the situation I am in is crazy.

Them: Did something happen tonight that you feel you might want to talk about.

Me: It's the same thing every night !!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I am going crazy. I'm just sitting in my garage right now, because I am afraid to go back into my house, he is just screaming at me.

This led to 1 1/2 hour phone call. They gave me the # of the local DV place. They validated that I was not crazy, that I was in an abusive relationship. They told me about the help that was available.

I called the local DV # one month later, when my ex tried to choke me. That was the time that I stayed there.

DV wasn't scary at all, my ex was!!!!!!!!!!!

Please call.

Sadconfused

Thank you Amy, I really appreciate the advice and support you have given me. And everyone else here. I need to do more research on FOG as that is exactly what holds me back. You hit the nail on the head, I just keep putting stuff off. I know the life I want and now its time to step up and make it happen. He comes home for lunch everyday so after he leaves I am going to make myself call.

I hate the way I feel when I wake up in the morning. Its one of the hardest parts of the day for me. My mind feels tired and foggy and slow. All of my problems and fears are right there as soon as I wake up. I cant help but think I dont want to do this anymore when I first get up, whats the point in getting up if I have no purpose and happiness. I cry almost every morning, the dread of the day is so overwhelming. Thats why I had the affair, at least I could look forward to waking up, at least I had some positive in my life. Sometimes I think it was the worst thing I couldve done because I invested my emotions else where before I fully ended them here and it made everything that much more painful but the other side of me thinks that having that happiness and remembering what it was to actually feel happy and that life doesnt have to be as hard as it is here and now losing it has really given me the push I needed to wake up and realize I dont want this life regardless of how painful it is to leave. It will be way more painful to stay like this for another 5 yrs or the rest of my life.

Anyways of course I get up because I am the only thing my little girl has, it might be easier for me to just give up but it wouldnt make anything easier for her. I noticed this morning those feelings didnt last as long as they have in the previous mornings. I was able to calm myself down and tell myself that I just have to keep doing what I am doing, one day life wont be like this, I am going to make it through this and not fall back to the same old letting him get by and giving up my life because that cant happen if I dont let it. On the other side I still have moments like earlier in my car where I catch myself thinking maybe it is me, maybe i am crazy and this all isnt as bad as it seems.

At least I am somewhat smart enough to instantly tell myself not to go there, not to let his words alter my truth. It all just depends on the time of the day and how much I have had to interact with him. I am really starting to think he had me somewhat brainwashed, still does. Not that he did it on purpose, maybe he did. I have given up on trying to figure out what goes on in his head, it makes me feel crazier but he clearly has a very big role in my person. I got to a place where I have almost made him god, his opinion matters more, what he say goes, its really ridiculous.

He is texting me right now, he calls me at least 20 times a day. But I am seeing his cycle a lot more clearly now too. He blow up monday night, kicked me, hit me across the face with a stuffed bunny and got up in my face like I was a man. He was completely silent for most of tuesday, apologized but claimed to have not remembered it so there acted like it was no biggie. Sorry just makes it all disappear. Last night I could tell he was irritated but he wouldnt say anything, finally when I asked him he told me to leave him alone so I did. He later made a few comments about the affair and he gets no respect here or at work and he is just trying to be.I told him isnt just being kinda what got you here to begin with? I of course get blamed for the abuse, its cause and effect and its just one more reason to justify us breaking up. I just ignored him, he was looking for a fight. Now this morning it is back to I love you, I want you. Its really sad and I need distance from him, I cant function and process my thoughts and emotions when he is around. He is like this giant cloud that covers my brain and alters my feelings. I can feel my head clear up within a hour or so being gone. I cant imagine what a few days or weeks would do for me.

amy55

Good Morning,

I'm still here for you. I also remember those days that I would wake up and the first thing out of my mouth was, "d@mn another day, and I have to do all this all over again. I hated mornings. I couldn't wait to go to sleep, but I hated to wake up.

That's not life is it?

He is blowing up your phone today with these calls because he is feeling some strength in your right now. He needs to keep you were you are, and OK everything is your fault, how can it not be. If anything was his fault, he might then have to look at himself, you know that he can't do that !!!!!!!

I'll be here for you. Let me know how that phone call goes.

amy55

Wow, I missed this, not that I didn't read it, I did, it just sounded so "normal?" to me, that I missed this. This is more physical abuse. You can get a Restraining Order on him.

I can't really give you advise on this. I don't know your financial circumstances. You can get an RO and have him removed from your house, but then you might go into (FOG) with your dad, which will keep you in that same situation. You have more then one situation here.

I feel that your best bet is to follow your dream. For you and your daughter to get out, with the help of DV.

Also wanted to tell you, I lived at home till I was 35. I got married young, had a daughter, got rid of that ex, and was at home. I didn't leave because I couldn't afford childcare, and my mom watched my daughter while I worked. My mom is not abusive or an alcoholic. My dad would come home, and usually he just passed out drunk.

So, my dad dies, my mother is financially hurting. I get married, and we stay with my mom to help her out. It was a single family home with 3 floors so we did somewhat have our own apartment, except for kitchen and living room.

In a way I think that is why my ex's abuse didn't really show up till 10 years after we were married. Oh sure, the red flags were there, and sure, he was abusing me then, I just didn't realize it.

The first time he physically abused me was 4 months after we bought our own home. He pushed me to the floor, kicked me in the ribs, then went to sleep.

Why am I telling you this????? When you follow your dream and get your own place, please do not under any circumstances allow your abf one step into your place. Your life is bad enough now, I don't know if your abf is somehow trying to still keep his "mask" in place, or if he can get worse. If he can get worse, it will be when no one else is around.

Just know that I really care

dandylion

Sadconfused, please follow Amy's advice and call the dv center. Just tell them your story. they have the resources that you will need at their fingetiips. You will find them to be very kind and nice and will keep everything confidential.

They are there to help people who are in your kind of situation!!

dandylion

Sadconfused

He just left. I was just reading some about FOG and that explains 100% of what I feel when dealing with him. I had him out of the house 2 weeks ago. I told him I wanted to end the relationship right after he found out about the affair. I told him he could stay here for a few weeks until he could save enough for an apartment. He couldnt do that, he stayed in his car at work for 2 nights and of course I feel bad and let him come back. I told him it wasnt because I wanted to be with him, it was only because I felt bad. He did it on purpose, he knew I would cave just like the nights I find him asleep in his daughters playhouse because he was drunk and thought I would chase after him instead of leaving him there which I do. Someone else had said that they thought he was probably glad in someway about the affair because it gives him an excuse for his bad behavior and I think it might be true in some way. It gives him more leverage and reason to blame.

I dont know, anyways here I sit feeling the same old indecisive, stomach full of butterflies, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with myself again. The thought of just having him removed from the house sends me into panics, I almost get defensive. I think I am a lot worse off than I originally thought. I still love the person he was, I know thats not him now but its hard. He has no where to go, no family here, no real friends because he stop making an effort to keep up. All of this is my codependency and FOG, I can see that but just acknowledging that doesnt make it easier to change. I feel like crawling back under my blanket on the couch and crying some more. I feel so helpless at times like these. How can someone go from feeling so strong and capable one min then broken and weak the next. I am tired of all the emotional ups and downs. I can never keep my courage long enough to do anything.

I can handle my dad for the most part, I have been dealing with him for so long, he backs down pretty quickly. I feel no obligation in having to do what he says. The worst that happens with him is if he bugs me too much and I finally tell him to back off he gives me the silent treatment for a day or so. The problem with my dad is that him and abf fed off of each others hostility. I feel like I have to just keep my mouth shut most of the time with abf for the sake not getting him involved because well he is your typical A with a big ego who thinks the world should run the way he sees fit. My dad has actually been staying in the spare room in the garage and only comes in to eat and nag occasionally so I am mostly alone with him in the house.

I dont fear for my life right now with him hear, I can judge his moods well enough to know when to back off most of the time. Monday night was kind of random because we had a good day, I didnt push buttons when he started running his mouth but once he started getting physical I didnt back down, in fact he did. He jumped in my face and I told him nose to nose that he better back off, i wasnt scared of him anymore and I wouldnt be backing down. He passed out after that. I really think he resorts to violence because he feels the need to prove himself as alpha. We have always had that fight, he claims Ive never respected him as a man or boosted his ego. It doesnt matter why, he does it and I have to stop pretending its not a big deal. Its when I leave him that I really fear what he may become capable of. He followed me around town last week with my knowledge in a car he was test driving for work and then bragged about it. Our daughter caught him following us in the grocery store a few days before that while he was suppose to be at work and he played it off as he was just there to surprise us. If he is willing to do this while we are still "together", I cant get a idea of what he might to then.

Just remembering all that makes me feel so stupid for feeling normal when he is here for lunch, for feeling bad for him, for giving him so many chances even after not wanting to be with him when he has done so much damage to me. I am not mentally healthy, no way in hell. I feel like I can be if only I could just be away from him but allowing myself to be away from him seems to hard, almost impossible. I totally feel like if I do what I feel like I need to do then I will be the one making him do the things he will do and it will be all my fault. That is not a healthy perspective. Im sad that I am this broken now, I just want to be a normal different person.