New here. Need advice or words of encouragement
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 3
New here. Need advice or words of encouragement
Hello everyone. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who is in denial about his drinking problem (I’m 27, he’s 31). He is a binge drinker, and gets completely blacked out drunk every single weekend. (Friday night into Sunday morning, non-stop.) When we started dating, he hid this problem well. I thought he was a social, gregarious, successful guy who liked to have fun, but I didn’t know the extent of his problem. Like every other person who finds themselves in this situation, it wasn’t until after I fell in love and cared for him I began seeing the ugly truth of his addiction. He has had 2 DUI’s, his license has been suspended, he has been fired from jobs (for sending emails to management/clients on the weekends when drunk), he’s gotten into nasty fights, and has even been to jail for his bad decisions under the influence of alcohol. Despite all of this, he insists it was all “in the past” and now he doesn’t have a problem and yet continues to binge drink every weekend.
When he gets drunk, he teeters between being very sweet, and professing his “undying” love to me and then being downright verbally abusive, but once sober feels guilty and apologizes for his misdoings. One time, and I feel embarrassed to admit this story, he had won a weekend vacation for 2 at a local resort on the beach from work, all expenses paid. Of course, he invited me. I was excited, because I saw this as an opportunity for us to have a nice romantic getaway and enjoy each other’s company. Mind you, he had other plans; and the kicker is that this was at a very expensive resort with mostly wealthy clientele who frequently stay there. Anyway, he ended up drinking the whole time we were there and became belligerent. We went to dinner at one of their nice restaurants and I was so miserable because he had gotten so foolishly drunk (and verbally abusive). As we were getting up and leaving, he knocked over a glass and almost took the whole table down with him. At this point I didn’t want to be seen in public with him, especially at a place like that, so I went back to the room to go to bed for the night. He didn’t want to do that, so he went to the hotel bar and drank by himself until the bar closed and then wandered around the hotel alone after that until one of the concierge people brought him back to our room and told him he had to stay in.
At that point, we got into an argument, and I guess I “pissed him off” so he decided to take a cab back home (we only lived about 30 mins from the place). He left me at the hotel alone, and stuck me with a $400 hotel tab, because he lost the gift card at the bar that was supposed to cover our food/drinks/etc. I broke up with him after that, but he weaseled his way back into a relationship with me and it took him two months to pay me back HALF of the $400. Thinking about that experience makes me feel like an idiot.
Anyway, the problem is, I feel stuck. I see everyone around me getting engaged, married, having kids and here I am in an on again, off again relationship with an alcoholic. I have broken up with him countless times, but he always comes to me telling me how much he loves me, needs me, worships the ground that I walk on…you name it. As much of a mess he is, I have never felt like someone has cared about me (sober) as much as he has. I want to get out, but he keeps coming back, and I guess I’m tired of being single (I’ve spent most of my 20’s pretty much single). Everyone around me says I need to move on, but it’s just a lot harder than I thought. I need advice. The last conversations I’ve had with him is it’s either alcohol or me, but he says there’s no problem with alcohol. So I’m wasting my time. Logically, I know this. I am just having a hard time breaking away.
When he gets drunk, he teeters between being very sweet, and professing his “undying” love to me and then being downright verbally abusive, but once sober feels guilty and apologizes for his misdoings. One time, and I feel embarrassed to admit this story, he had won a weekend vacation for 2 at a local resort on the beach from work, all expenses paid. Of course, he invited me. I was excited, because I saw this as an opportunity for us to have a nice romantic getaway and enjoy each other’s company. Mind you, he had other plans; and the kicker is that this was at a very expensive resort with mostly wealthy clientele who frequently stay there. Anyway, he ended up drinking the whole time we were there and became belligerent. We went to dinner at one of their nice restaurants and I was so miserable because he had gotten so foolishly drunk (and verbally abusive). As we were getting up and leaving, he knocked over a glass and almost took the whole table down with him. At this point I didn’t want to be seen in public with him, especially at a place like that, so I went back to the room to go to bed for the night. He didn’t want to do that, so he went to the hotel bar and drank by himself until the bar closed and then wandered around the hotel alone after that until one of the concierge people brought him back to our room and told him he had to stay in.
At that point, we got into an argument, and I guess I “pissed him off” so he decided to take a cab back home (we only lived about 30 mins from the place). He left me at the hotel alone, and stuck me with a $400 hotel tab, because he lost the gift card at the bar that was supposed to cover our food/drinks/etc. I broke up with him after that, but he weaseled his way back into a relationship with me and it took him two months to pay me back HALF of the $400. Thinking about that experience makes me feel like an idiot.
Anyway, the problem is, I feel stuck. I see everyone around me getting engaged, married, having kids and here I am in an on again, off again relationship with an alcoholic. I have broken up with him countless times, but he always comes to me telling me how much he loves me, needs me, worships the ground that I walk on…you name it. As much of a mess he is, I have never felt like someone has cared about me (sober) as much as he has. I want to get out, but he keeps coming back, and I guess I’m tired of being single (I’ve spent most of my 20’s pretty much single). Everyone around me says I need to move on, but it’s just a lot harder than I thought. I need advice. The last conversations I’ve had with him is it’s either alcohol or me, but he says there’s no problem with alcohol. So I’m wasting my time. Logically, I know this. I am just having a hard time breaking away.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Answer this question:
What will happen in years to come if this man as a husband and father is drunk, passes out while watching your two toddlers while you're at work on a Saturday, or at a seminar, or at a birthday party, and you come home to nobody watching them and some disaster?
There's your answer on a future with him.
See? It isn't possible.
What will happen in years to come if this man as a husband and father is drunk, passes out while watching your two toddlers while you're at work on a Saturday, or at a seminar, or at a birthday party, and you come home to nobody watching them and some disaster?
There's your answer on a future with him.
See? It isn't possible.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Hey River,
You have funny stories -- Like "My Name is Earl."
I am ready to give you bonus points on picking up the Hotel (and bar, right?) Bill.
I vote you stick around and get well(er) with us.
Welcome Home.
You have funny stories -- Like "My Name is Earl."
I am ready to give you bonus points on picking up the Hotel (and bar, right?) Bill.
I vote you stick around and get well(er) with us.
Welcome Home.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Somewhere, Fractured State
Posts: 111
I think you said it yourself. I didn't know my wife was an alkie until we were married and have been miserable. I want her to change and i am sure you want him to change. The bottom line is they aren't until they want to. My wife has admitted the problem and keeps fighting a losing battle to vodka. Your guy doesn't even admit there is a problem. If I knew what I was in for, I probably would have made other decisions. What you have to ask yourself honestly is if you are willing to put up with this inappropriate behavior indefinitely. If not, now that you are separated, RUN!
Good luck with things.
Good luck with things.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You know what to do. Your instincts are on. He's shown you who he is, you believe him now, you've suffered the consequences of his drinking, and you recognize that staying with him will mean more consequences.
We encourage people to go "no contact" with their As to get some emotional distance and avoid the "getting sucked back in" patterns that we tend to fall into.
"As much of a mess he is, I have never felt like someone has cared about me (sober) as much as he has." <---- Pay attention to this. For me, understanding why I was willing to hang my hat on a broken relationship with a broken person was key to understanding how I got here and how to try something different.
I get the wistful feelings about other people's families, but girl, imagine having KIDS with this guy. Imagine all your finances being tied up in his. And then write it off as a bullet dodged and leave him.
We encourage people to go "no contact" with their As to get some emotional distance and avoid the "getting sucked back in" patterns that we tend to fall into.
"As much of a mess he is, I have never felt like someone has cared about me (sober) as much as he has." <---- Pay attention to this. For me, understanding why I was willing to hang my hat on a broken relationship with a broken person was key to understanding how I got here and how to try something different.
I get the wistful feelings about other people's families, but girl, imagine having KIDS with this guy. Imagine all your finances being tied up in his. And then write it off as a bullet dodged and leave him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
You are smart to recognize there is a problem now before you enter into a marriage. Trust me, it wont get any better, only worse. Would you really want to raise a family in that environment? Ask yourself, If your sister of best friend was dating someone like that would you approve? How harmful would it be to your future children to see their father being verbally abusive to their mother and possibly to them on a regular basis?
It sounds as if he is unable to fully commit and be 100 present in a relationship because his first love is alcohol. It clouds his judgment and causes him to do and say things he normally wouldnt when not drinking. Think very very carefully before you get more serious with him. You deserve a person who is willing to be there for you 100 percent of the time (not only when he decides to be sober), treats you with respect (doesnt verbally abuse you) and is able to give you the type of family you envision. Alcoholism is a progressive disease (it will get worse) and it affects all family members (it will affect those future children). You may want to join Alanon. It will help you to recognize his behaviors, how you react to them and just how to process loving someone with an alcohol problem.
It sounds as if he is unable to fully commit and be 100 present in a relationship because his first love is alcohol. It clouds his judgment and causes him to do and say things he normally wouldnt when not drinking. Think very very carefully before you get more serious with him. You deserve a person who is willing to be there for you 100 percent of the time (not only when he decides to be sober), treats you with respect (doesnt verbally abuse you) and is able to give you the type of family you envision. Alcoholism is a progressive disease (it will get worse) and it affects all family members (it will affect those future children). You may want to join Alanon. It will help you to recognize his behaviors, how you react to them and just how to process loving someone with an alcohol problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 3
Oh my, thank you all for your helpful replies. I think one of the challenges for me is breaking all contact with him. That is absolutely what I need to do, though. I just have such a hard time doing that because I've been on the receiving end of being ignored so many times in my life, and I know how much it hurts. But I also know I'm being too concerned with his feelings and not acknowledging my own. I have definitely thought about marriage and children with him, and how much I would like to have that, but not with him the way he is right now. I do not want my children to have an alcoholic father. I'm too forgiving, and he's walking all over me. It's just when the loneliness sets in that I start missing him and let him come back (because he always comes back.) Nonetheless, I am going to try and go no contact and ignore his attempts to reconnect instead of caving in. Thank you again for your suggestions and perspective. I really do appreciate it, this is something that I don't talk even about with the people who are closest to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
A little starch in your backbone will go a long way to helping you go no contact with him and figure out a plan for the rest of your life. If you are clinging to him because he's better than being alone, it's time to rethink that idea. You are far better off alone with yourself and living in the way you'd like to live than being with a drunk that brings you down.
You can start by getting a new phone # and dont tell him what it is.
You can start by getting a new phone # and dont tell him what it is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Go NC, also search for "no contact" here on the forums, we have some good threads about it.
Get ready, what I mean is, surround yourself with friends, family, alanon, SR, etc. It's going to be hard at first but well worth it. There are lots of single guys out there who aren't alcoholics and aren't as dumb as they were back in their 20s now that they are in their 30s *COUGH*.
haha =). Seriously, this many break ups really means it hasn't been working for a long time but you are jumping back in because of whatever reasons, work on those reasons.
If it's loneliness how about fostering a dog or having a girls sleepover? Change your patterns up. You used to goto the park at 5pm after work? Now go hike somewhere else.
Get ready, what I mean is, surround yourself with friends, family, alanon, SR, etc. It's going to be hard at first but well worth it. There are lots of single guys out there who aren't alcoholics and aren't as dumb as they were back in their 20s now that they are in their 30s *COUGH*.
haha =). Seriously, this many break ups really means it hasn't been working for a long time but you are jumping back in because of whatever reasons, work on those reasons.
If it's loneliness how about fostering a dog or having a girls sleepover? Change your patterns up. You used to goto the park at 5pm after work? Now go hike somewhere else.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I'm 50 years old.
I read these stories from you young women and want to scream will you get yourself a good life before there isn't that much life left anymore!
Why sign up for a shitlife?
Don't you think life will be hard enough without an alcoholic?
Here's my question...just to drill my point in further...do you want to be 50 with a man passed out from a bender all day?
That was my day today.
I read these stories from you young women and want to scream will you get yourself a good life before there isn't that much life left anymore!
Why sign up for a shitlife?
Don't you think life will be hard enough without an alcoholic?
Here's my question...just to drill my point in further...do you want to be 50 with a man passed out from a bender all day?
That was my day today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 11
Let me tell you a little story...
I met my husband 12 years ago and we literally had a love at first sight experience. He was kind, sweet, thoughtful, mysterious and extremely handsome. He still is all of these things to me. I was 20 and he was 27. We drank together and had alot of great times. Just he and I. We were inseparable. After we were married and into the "responsible" years of our marriage is when I quickly realized how his drinking had become a problem. I could not drink and be completely fine, but he drank every single weekend. When a surprise pregnancy hit us- I remember him literally holding my pregnant belly and crying to me that he would get past this before his son was born and he truly wanted to...Fast forward 12 years...He is now drinking every single day, having 3-4 day drink binders, I am making sure he is breathing at night when he is past out asleep. He doesn't want to have more children because he says he couldn't live with himself if there were anything wrong with the baby. So we suffer and suffer some more for his drinking. Loving the man of my dreams has been the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. He wound up putting himself into a rehab. He has been there for 3 weeks now. I have thrilled and scared to death at the same time. The rollercoaster of emotions has just begun. My son and I go visit him on Saturdays. I am a single mom doing everything on my own.
On the last visit I had to wipe the tears from my 9 year old sons face and explain to him that his dad that he adores is an alcoholic and needs to get healthy.
So.... what do you think would be harder- Walking away from an alcoholic boyfriend or wiping the tears from your child's eyes because his dad (the love of your life) is an alcoholic?
I met my husband 12 years ago and we literally had a love at first sight experience. He was kind, sweet, thoughtful, mysterious and extremely handsome. He still is all of these things to me. I was 20 and he was 27. We drank together and had alot of great times. Just he and I. We were inseparable. After we were married and into the "responsible" years of our marriage is when I quickly realized how his drinking had become a problem. I could not drink and be completely fine, but he drank every single weekend. When a surprise pregnancy hit us- I remember him literally holding my pregnant belly and crying to me that he would get past this before his son was born and he truly wanted to...Fast forward 12 years...He is now drinking every single day, having 3-4 day drink binders, I am making sure he is breathing at night when he is past out asleep. He doesn't want to have more children because he says he couldn't live with himself if there were anything wrong with the baby. So we suffer and suffer some more for his drinking. Loving the man of my dreams has been the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. He wound up putting himself into a rehab. He has been there for 3 weeks now. I have thrilled and scared to death at the same time. The rollercoaster of emotions has just begun. My son and I go visit him on Saturdays. I am a single mom doing everything on my own.
On the last visit I had to wipe the tears from my 9 year old sons face and explain to him that his dad that he adores is an alcoholic and needs to get healthy.
So.... what do you think would be harder- Walking away from an alcoholic boyfriend or wiping the tears from your child's eyes because his dad (the love of your life) is an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Hi River,
Ya, being in love with an A is a lousy place to be. I'm sorry it's been so hard for you.
My AH is a binger and between the drinking episodes and the hangover time we probably have 2 good days a week together. Point is I'm alone even though he's here. And I feel single most of the time too. So what's the difference between feeling alone and single and being alone and single? Less head ache!
If he's not able to admit that their is a problem, you could have a really long tragic road ahead. You only have two years into this, so many of us on this forum have 10 - 20 years with their As and wish we could go back to being in your shoes and change our futures. IMO, run as fast as you can and don't look back.
Wishing you all the best!
Ya, being in love with an A is a lousy place to be. I'm sorry it's been so hard for you.
My AH is a binger and between the drinking episodes and the hangover time we probably have 2 good days a week together. Point is I'm alone even though he's here. And I feel single most of the time too. So what's the difference between feeling alone and single and being alone and single? Less head ache!
If he's not able to admit that their is a problem, you could have a really long tragic road ahead. You only have two years into this, so many of us on this forum have 10 - 20 years with their As and wish we could go back to being in your shoes and change our futures. IMO, run as fast as you can and don't look back.
Wishing you all the best!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
Blueskies1 - oh you got it so right!!! I am of your vintage and dont know why these young women put up with assholes. I did go thru the same thing in a way of cant be without a man, settling for a crap husband first time around...tho he wasnt a drinker. I remarried at 30 to an awesome man who truly loves me, doesnt have any bad habits and I feel complete. I settled once and I'd never settle again. I'd live alone first.
What is it with us when we are 20-ish that makes us settle and give up our lives for jerks of all stripes? Women - you dont need to do this! There's plenty of good men out there, dont settle for the losers!
What is it with us when we are 20-ish that makes us settle and give up our lives for jerks of all stripes? Women - you dont need to do this! There's plenty of good men out there, dont settle for the losers!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Somewhere, Fractured State
Posts: 111
Thank you to the members that posted trying to help her dodge this bullet but please remember that this disease affects both men and women. i have an aw and trust me when i say this - we are all feeling the effects of our spouse's drinking. i am seriously considering divorce. i want a good healthy marriage and kids but im starting to fear i will never have that with her. i dont know if i have given up on her yet but i left last night and only went back to check if she was alive today. this sucks but my boundary is when her actions affect me. i got to chat with the police last night after coming home from therapy. blood was everywhere and i think she may have broken her nose in yet another binge. she refused medical treatment and detox. i decided i will not let her actions hurt me and though i pay all the bills and everything is mine, i left. hotel living today and yesterday and then off to friends and family until shes out via her own decision to seek recovery or the courts decision to remove her and evaluate her. regardless, im alone tonight...again
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Sorry for your situation but glad you are here.
He has made it quite clear he is in denial by not even admitting he has a problem.
Until such time as he does & takes action towards sobriety I think there is very little you can do.
Try to educate yourself as much as you can on alcoholism & put the focus back on yourself.
He has made it quite clear he is in denial by not even admitting he has a problem.
Until such time as he does & takes action towards sobriety I think there is very little you can do.
Try to educate yourself as much as you can on alcoholism & put the focus back on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Riverphonemic 
. I have broken up with him countless times, but he always comes to me telling me how much he loves me, needs me, worships the ground that I walk on…you name it. As much of a mess he is, I have never felt like someone has cared about me (sober) as much as he has.
I really know how you feel but I'm willing to bet there are others who could love and worship us the same way who arn't also dishing up years of misery.
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