Why does he try so hard now?
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Why does he try so hard now?
Now that I have left. Now that I’m out. Now that I tell him I want to separate. Why does he try so hard? As soon as I leave he starts detoxing. He goes to the hospital to get help with withdrawals, and from there he gets set up for an outpatient rehab (again). He begins going to AA, and gets a sponsor to where they begin working the steps.
Is this all a show? Does he truly mean it? Why does it take me walking out the door for him to work hard at sobriety?
I have made my decision. I at least want to start with a separation. I have my sights on an apartment that I want. I’m just trying to move around some money and play with budgets to see if I can possibly afford it. I have also applied at many jobs with a higher pay scale, so hopefully something with pan out. He keeps begging me to come back home. He says I will never have to worry about his drinking again. He says that he will do anything, and that we could make it work at home. He will give me whatever space I need he says, but is begging that I don’t get an apartment. He is asking for another chance. Quack quack is all I can think right now. I have heard it all before. I do not believe that this devotion will last if I go home and let the dust settle so to speak. I’m sure he means what he says and he intends to stick with his program, however as time goes by and it’s not as fresh in his mind who knows. There is no crystal ball to predict the future and definitely no guarantee. He has proven to me in the past that his promises get broken. He has proven that he cannot be trusted, and that he can be dry for many months, and then pick it back up again without missing a beat. He has proven to me that he has no problem lying to me and hiding things from me. I feel that he needs to do those things for himself not just to get me back home, and allow me the space to do the same for me.
I asked him why he misses me so much when he didn’t really care whether or not I was there when I was living at home. I mean I have slept alone not by choice for many years. I would go sometimes three days without a conversation with him, because he would drink until he passed out. His response was that he took my for granted. He said he was sorry, and that it won’t happen again. Well, I just don’t get it. It’s like now I’m out trying to focus on making “me” okay he is clinging on for dear life. Why? Manipulation? Is he really sorry? I don’t know.
Is this all a show? Does he truly mean it? Why does it take me walking out the door for him to work hard at sobriety?
I have made my decision. I at least want to start with a separation. I have my sights on an apartment that I want. I’m just trying to move around some money and play with budgets to see if I can possibly afford it. I have also applied at many jobs with a higher pay scale, so hopefully something with pan out. He keeps begging me to come back home. He says I will never have to worry about his drinking again. He says that he will do anything, and that we could make it work at home. He will give me whatever space I need he says, but is begging that I don’t get an apartment. He is asking for another chance. Quack quack is all I can think right now. I have heard it all before. I do not believe that this devotion will last if I go home and let the dust settle so to speak. I’m sure he means what he says and he intends to stick with his program, however as time goes by and it’s not as fresh in his mind who knows. There is no crystal ball to predict the future and definitely no guarantee. He has proven to me in the past that his promises get broken. He has proven that he cannot be trusted, and that he can be dry for many months, and then pick it back up again without missing a beat. He has proven to me that he has no problem lying to me and hiding things from me. I feel that he needs to do those things for himself not just to get me back home, and allow me the space to do the same for me.
I asked him why he misses me so much when he didn’t really care whether or not I was there when I was living at home. I mean I have slept alone not by choice for many years. I would go sometimes three days without a conversation with him, because he would drink until he passed out. His response was that he took my for granted. He said he was sorry, and that it won’t happen again. Well, I just don’t get it. It’s like now I’m out trying to focus on making “me” okay he is clinging on for dear life. Why? Manipulation? Is he really sorry? I don’t know.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sometimes we have to get out of the way....as long as we STAY they get the signal that they just aren't that bad....a lie they've been telling themselves for a long time.
as it is, it sounds like BOTH of you are doing better apart. you are starting to regain direction over your own life, your own wants and needs. as long as you had a drunk underfoot, you couldn't do that.
give time time. keep moving along YOUR path - if he continues to do well, good for him! but don't let that be your benchmark.
as it is, it sounds like BOTH of you are doing better apart. you are starting to regain direction over your own life, your own wants and needs. as long as you had a drunk underfoot, you couldn't do that.
give time time. keep moving along YOUR path - if he continues to do well, good for him! but don't let that be your benchmark.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
He probably really is sorry, but I wouldn't believe that he's not going to do it all again.
There is a good chance he's just trying to get you to come back and would then go back to doing all the same stuff all over again. It doesn't really seem like he's accepted that you're leaving. It does seem like his work at sobriety is more of an attempt to get something from you than it is about a real desire to get sober.
I think you're on the right track looking for an apartment. If you decide you want to give him another chance, it should be because you decide to, not because he is begging you to do so. If he's serious about recovery, he'll stay sober even if you move out and decide you want nothing to do with him.
It seems like there has been a lot of damage and hurt in your relationship. Even if he does remain sober, would you really want to go back. Or would you just be waiting for him to start drinking again or wondering if he was going to? Trust once broken can be pretty hard to get back.
By the way, I love the android guy in your signature. He looks like he's enjoying that apple.
There is a good chance he's just trying to get you to come back and would then go back to doing all the same stuff all over again. It doesn't really seem like he's accepted that you're leaving. It does seem like his work at sobriety is more of an attempt to get something from you than it is about a real desire to get sober.
I think you're on the right track looking for an apartment. If you decide you want to give him another chance, it should be because you decide to, not because he is begging you to do so. If he's serious about recovery, he'll stay sober even if you move out and decide you want nothing to do with him.
It seems like there has been a lot of damage and hurt in your relationship. Even if he does remain sober, would you really want to go back. Or would you just be waiting for him to start drinking again or wondering if he was going to? Trust once broken can be pretty hard to get back.
By the way, I love the android guy in your signature. He looks like he's enjoying that apple.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MtSlideAddict---stay your gound!! You have suffered long and have fought hard to get your head in the right place. It sounds like you are o n to him---please don't let his manipulations wear you down.
He is losing his "soft place to fall". Alcoholics count on us to enable or make them comfortable so that they can continue to drink--he is probably terrified that you are eliminating his comfort zone.
All he is giving are "promises"--an active alcoholic cannot make promises to anyone---they can't even keep promises to themselves. This is still part of the denial that they can control the drinking. They can't control it until they have undertaken a rigorous program long enough to make the changes in thinking, attitudes, and behavioral that enable them to live life o n life's terms. He is fooling himself to think he can do that overnight.
You have fought sooo hard to get where you are---don't listen to the empty promises (words) of an active alcoholic.
dandylion
He is losing his "soft place to fall". Alcoholics count on us to enable or make them comfortable so that they can continue to drink--he is probably terrified that you are eliminating his comfort zone.
All he is giving are "promises"--an active alcoholic cannot make promises to anyone---they can't even keep promises to themselves. This is still part of the denial that they can control the drinking. They can't control it until they have undertaken a rigorous program long enough to make the changes in thinking, attitudes, and behavioral that enable them to live life o n life's terms. He is fooling himself to think he can do that overnight.
You have fought sooo hard to get where you are---don't listen to the empty promises (words) of an active alcoholic.
dandylion
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